[Ch. 25] ‘Til My Last Breath
// Ayanna's Point of View
To be in his arms was a very overwhelming feeling, a feeling I wouldn't be able to explain. It was something I never expected to happen but something I dreamt for. Kuya Paolo, or should I say Paolo, was one person I never thought I'd be in love with. Looking back on how we met again makes me smile.
Natatandaan ko pa kung gaano ako ka-kabado noong panahon na iyon. Mahilig siyang mang-asar at madalas niya akong pagtripan. And guess what? He's starting to be like that again. I don't know if I'd be happy to always see him smile though knowing that he's thinking of pranks for me again. Paolo's sweet too. Sa mga sinasabi niya? Minsan nacocorny-han ako pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasang mapangiti. You know why.
Naalala ko tuloy si Ian, sweet din kasi yun. This weird question suddenly popped out of my mind: 'kung hindi kaya tumira si kuya sa bahay namin, will I love Ian so much by this time?' Indeed a weird question.
"Aya," he embraced me tightly for both of us were lying on his bed. "Alam mo hindi pa rin ako sanay na tawaging kang Paolo," I said as I looked at him. Look, I used to call him ‘kuya’ ever since. He looked at me then gave me a smirk. I didn't really know what that smirk was for.
"You don't want to call me Paolo then?" he finally asked.
It took a moment before I finally answered, "Hmm, that’s not what I meant. Hindi lang talaga ako sanay.”
He seemed to be thinking. "Then call me babe, honey, love, mahal ko, sweetheart---" I pinched his nose until he begged me to get rid of it. Ha ha, he looked really cute. Bahagya naman akong naguilty dahil pag tanggal ko ng pagkakakurot sa ilong niya, kitang kita ang pamumula nito. He looked even cuter so that's okay!
"Sabi ko nga kasi Paolo na lang eh. Ang corny corny pa niyang iniisip mo!" protesta ko sa kanya. He pouted because of that. Natawa naman ako sa itsura niya. I’m not accustomed seeing him like that… but I guess I should.
"You look gay!" I shouted in front of his face though he didn’t really look like one.
"Do you remember what happened the last time I was called gay?" I saw him grin. Matapos kong makita ang kakaibang kurba sa labi niya, naalala ko yung araw na hinalikan niya ako sa may beach dahil sa mga 2nd degree cousins namin. Feeling ko namula yung pisngi ko ng dahil don.
"Ewan ko sayo!" hinilamos ko yung kamay ko sa mukha niya. Umupo ako mula sa pagkakahiga namin. Kumunot naman ang noo niya. “Don’t tell me you’re planning to make me stay here?” tanong ko sa kanya. Tumawa ako, wala naman kasi akong balak na matulog sa kwarto niya. It’s not that I don’t trust him! Ayoko lang namang maabutan kami ni Mama sa kwarto niya na tabi matulog Okay, we’re cousins, yes, but still… you know what I mean. Hindi tama.
Funny, I’m thinking what’s right when I’m actually doing something forbidden.
“You may if you want to,” seryoso niyang sabi.
“K, I’m out!” I said as I walked to the door.
Ѽ
March 8 came too fast. I’m at school and I was having my lunch with Ella, Paolo, Francis and Liz. For the first time Francis joined us. It was actually as though we were having a double date plus Ella… but no, they do not anything about me and Paolo being together nor do I have plans of telling them so.
“Teka ah, bibili lang ako ng juice,” papatayo na sana ako nang hawakan ni Paolo yung galanggalangan ko. “Ako na.” Tumayo siya at nagpunta sa pila sa counter. Nakita ko namang medyo mahaba ‘yung pila. Woah, buti na lang sabay yung breaks namin kay Paolo ngayon. Pao saved m—or maybe not?
“Boyfriend mo?” Napanganga ako sa tanong ni Francis.
“Hindi boyfriend ni Bes yun, ano ka ba?” natawa si Ella. “Oh? Eh kasi kng makatinggin at maka-lapit kasi kay Aya, akala mo boyfriend,” natawa siya. “So he must be your suitor?” he directed the question to me.
“Ah that one? We-we’re just really close. Alam mo na, he’s protecting me, ganun talaga siya ever since eh. Napag-awayan na rin namin yan but nah, I’m used to it.” I looked onto Francis’ eyes then I smiled, “and besides, what you’re saying is impossible. Paolo and I can’t be romantically related. ‘Coz you know what... He’s my cousin.”
“Oh I see, kaya pala. Akala ko naman kayo, so that makes it okay na ipakilala kita sa friend ko?”
“Oo nga, Aya. Kilala ko yung friend ni Francis na crush ka… and he seems nice!” dagdag naman ni Liz.
“Wait wait…” medyo naiinis ako sa pinagsasasabi nitong dalawang ‘to. “Look, Liz, I have a boyfriend! What’s the point of being close with that guy you two are talking about?” tinuro ko silang dalawa. Si Ella naman ay nanahimik lang sa tabi ko. Silang dalawa kasi ni Paolo yung nakatabi ko but Pao’s still in the counter.
“Your boyfriend in Los Angeles?” giit ni Liz. “Aya, oo, boto kami kay Ian dati. But look, if he really loves you he should have been with you… rito sa Pilipinas. Pero asan siya? Sa LA? Do you even know what he’s doing there? Baka sa susunod na lang mabalitaan mong hindi ka na niya girlfriend.” I didn’t expect that to come from Liz. Liz was always on Ian’s side before. Napansin ko na lang na para bang nabilaukan si Ella. Uminom siya ng tubig then she looked fine kaya muli kong binaling yung atensyon k okay Liz.
“Yeah, malayo siya. He’s in LA, given. I don’t know what’s he’s doing, okay. Pero hindi pa naman dumarating yung araw na sinasabi mong ipagpapalit niya ako so why would I do that?” Napalunok naman ako sa sinabi ko. Okay, Aya, what a liar you’ve become. “And just because he’s afar doesn’t make it right to…” hindi ko na pinagpatuloy yung sinasabi ko. That’s enough; I know they fathom what I meant.
“Kaibigan mo rin si Ian, Liz… I don’t wanna’ hear that from you again,” yumuko ako. I know I’m just using Ian again so that I wouldn’t have to meet that guy they were talking about. Syempre ‘no, baka magalit pa sa akin si Kuya. Okay, let me call him kuya at times, hindi talaga ako sanay eh.
“Did I just hear the name ‘Ian?’” nilapag ni Paolo yung juice sa harap ko then sa gitna ay nilagay niya yung chips. “What is it that concerns my cousin’s lovely boyfriend?”
Natawa ako sa sinabi niya kahit mukha siyang seryoso, “did you just call him lovely?” Tumawa ulit ako. “No, I called him horrible. So what’s about him?” he shrugged.
“Eto kasing pinsan mo ipapakilala ko sana sa ka-team kosa basketball kaso ayaw eh, loyal daw siya sa boyfriend niya,” sagot ni Francis. Narinig kong bumulong siya “na malamang nambababae sa LA” Si Ella naman ewan ko ba pero natahimik na lang siya nung si Ian na yung pinag-uusapan. Baka miss na niya? Syempre, close na rin naman sila.
“Nah, you should try seeing other guys then,” he said as he hit the chips. Nanlaki naman ang mata ko. Like seriously, is he throwing me away just like that? Aish! Naiinis ako! Bahala siya, I hate him.
Kinuha ko yung juice ko at umalis sa table na ‘yon. Nantitrip na naman ba siya o ano?
“Hey, wait.” Naramdaman kong may humawak sa balikat ko mula sa likuran. Of course, it was him. Sino pa nga ba?
“What?” pasinghal kong sagot sa kanya. Naiinis ako sa kanya. I hate him! It was like he gave me away. Kung ikaw ba matutuwa ka?
“Ano bang kinagagalit mo?” he asked. He was serious and he seemed really confused. Gusto ko sanang pitikin yung noo niya pero masyado akong naiinis para idikit yung daliri ko sa mukha niya. Whatever, I just hate him. Gamit iyong kamay niya na nasa balikat ko, hinarap niya ako sa kanya. “Look, ako nga itong dapat magalit eh.” Napataas naman ang kilay ko sa sinabi niya.
“Did you just hear what you were saying about Ian a while ago? You seemed in love with him and the funny thing is that I’m h… nah, never mind.”
“You? You heard what we were talking about?” Medyo humina ang boses ko noon, kasi naman ‘di ba, yung mga pinagsasabi ko. Hindi naman kasi niya gets eh, sinabi ko lang iyon kasi syempre si Ian yung alam nilang boyfriend ko… at ayoko namang ipakilala nila ako ron sa friend daw ni Francis. Ganun nga ba?
“Unfortunately, I did.” He looked emotionless.
Napayuko ako. It was my fault, I know. How could I make him understand that it’s not that way? “Hmm, Pao, ano kasi… ganito kasi yun---“ Hindi ko natapos yung sasabihin ko dahil he sealed my lips using his thumb.
“You need not to explain. All you’ve got to do is to answer me, do you love him?” Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko. Laking pasasalamat ko na lang nung umalis agad si Paolo nang hindi man lang naririnig yung sagot ko. Maybe he’s giving me time to think?
Dismissal time and I did not see him around waiting for me. I did not bother going to the car park, maybe he’s not too good to be with me for the rest of the day. I understand. I did not also bother over-thinking about his question; I know the answer anyway. Yes, Ian’s special to me but that’s all. But remembering what I was feeling a while ago when they were accusing Ian of having somebody else in Los Angeles? I felt the urge to defend he’s not like that. Argh! I thought that question was easy but I guess not?
Umuwi akong mag-isa pero bago pa man ako makapasok sa subdivision ay nakasalubong ko si Knave. I asked him where was he going and he said he was just having a stroll. He accompanied me home and we headed straight into the family hall. I badly need him right now.
“étrange! Bakit hindi mo kasabay si Salvatorre?”(strange) he asked. Good start to start the conversation?
“Actually, Knave,” nag-aalangan kong sabi sa kanya. Where to start? I really didn’t know. I am lost. Really. “Paolo asked me if I loved Ian…” I said in a low voice.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero tumawa siya. Kailan ko nga ba nalaman yung ibig sabihin ng mga kilos niya? Never. Knave could just be so unpredictable. “You answered…” sabi niya na parang hinihintay niyang dugtugan ko yung sinabi niya.
“Umalis agad siya. I think he’s giving me time to know the answer.”
“Still Paolo Salvatorre,” he simpered. “You should have known the answer, shouldn’t you? Or you’re havin’ a change of mind, copine?”
“No! Not that way,” sabi ko. Alam na rin naman kasi ni Knave yung tungkol sa amin ni Paolo. Sino pa ba yung mapagsasabihan ko, ‘di ba? Only Knave. “Hindi ko lang maintindihan… I chose Paolo. No, that’s an understatement! I love him but I didn’t know why there’s this feeling in me that cares for Ian still.” Kwinento ko sa kanya ‘yung nangyari kanina, wala, nakinig lang siyang maigi habang tinititigan ako sa mata. Medyo awkward nga pero hindi ko na pinansin. You know how weird he is!
“Bakit ganun, Knave? Bakit ganun pa rin ako towards Ian? ‘Di ba dapat nagmamadali na akong makipagbreak sa kanya dahil nandyan na si Paolo para sa akin? Pero hindi ko magawa,” naluluha na ako. “It’s Ian’s and mine’s day tomorrow. 9th day of the month, sabi ko hindi ko na paabutin sa araw na ‘yun pero—“
Knave smiled, “It’s because of love.”
Napatingin ako sa kanya. “Love?” ulit ko.
“Yeah, love, amour, pagmamahal, 愛, lieben, 사랑. Kärlek, whatever you call it.” Okay, love at pagmamahal lang naintindihan ko ron. “Wh-what do you mean?” tanong ko. “Are you telling me that I love Ian?” I was hoping he’d answer ‘no’ but…
“Celine…”
***
Huminga ako ng malalim. Kanina pa ako nasa harapan ng pinto ng kwarto niya pero wala pa rin akong lakas ng loob na kumatok.
Okay, Aya, you can do it. I knocked on his door. 1st knock, 2nd knock, 3rd kn—
“I’ve been waiting for you,” he said and led me into his room. Hindi siya tumitingin sa mata ko. Hindi rin niya ako iniimik matapos iyon. Bakit mo ako natitiis ng ganyan, Paolo? gusto ko sanang sabihin sa kanya.
Nakaupo kami pareho sa kama pero malaki yung pagitan namin.
Sabagay wala na namang masama kung ganyan siya. Basta sasabihin ko na yung totoo. Kahit masaktan pa siya, mas ok na yung alam niya yung totoo kaysa maglihim ako. Eh sa ganun talaga yung nararamdaman ko eh. Wala naman akong magagawa.
Thanks to Knave for helping me realize everything.
Sorry Paolo.
“Huy,” I extended my arms para umabot yung daliri ko sa tagiliran niya para sundutin siya roon. “Di mo ba ako kakausapin?” tanong ko. Still continuing what I was doing.
“You—“ humarap siya sa akin. “You’re going to answer my question, aren’t you?”
I sighed. Huminga ako ng malalim. “You know what, Paolo, aaminin ko, medyo naguluhan ako sa tanong mo.” I looked away. I know what I said pinched a part in him. He frowned, I saw it. Pero mabilis din niyang binawi iyon at binalik sa emotionless niyang mukha.
“Alam mo kung bakit?” I asked him. Wala akong nakuhang sagot, nakatingin na lang siya sa akin. Emotionless, the old Paolo. Sorry, Pao. You deserve to know.
“Si Ian?” huminto ako at ngumiti habang inaalala yung mga sandali na nagiging close pa lang kami. Yung mga times na kinikilala ko pa lang siya. “Sweet siyang tao. Kahit tahimik yun, nako! Pag kinakausap niya ako parang hindi siya si Ian Valmonte ‘the MVP’,” tumawa ako. “Akala kasi ng marami ay masungit si Ian. Bad boy and such but no, he’s the total opposite.” Naalala ko na naman lahat ng ka-sweet-an niya.
“Lagi niya akong sasalubungin sa umaga para tulungan akong dalhin yung mga gamit ko mula sa locker hanggang sa room. Minsan nga dinadalhan pa niya ako ng breakfast pag alam niyang late ako nagising.” Tumingin ako sa mata ni Paolo, hindi ko mabasa kung anong iniisip niya pero kailangan kong ipagpatuloy ‘tong sinasabi ko. Pinasok ko ‘to eh, kailangan ko ring ayusin.
“Mas matindi pa nga kay Mama kung mag-alala yung lalaking yun!” sabi ko. “Pag may sakit ako, todo paalala siya na magpahinga ako at uminom ng gamot. Alam mo ba, si Ian yung unang lala—“ Hindi ko namalayang nakatayo na pala si Paolo sa harap ko. He looked fierce if you’d ask.
“Pa-pao—“
“Aya, kung mahal mo nga wag mo ng i-pamukha! Wala namang ‘why’ sa tanong ko eh, kahit nga ‘explain briefly’ wala eh. So why bother explaining?” he was shouting. Natakot ako? Hindi. Bakit ako matatakot? Kung noon siguro yan baka natakot na naman ako sa kanya pero ngayon? Hindi. Napangiti pa nga ako eh. Yie, selos siya kay Ian.
“Kahit kailan talaga napaka-epal mo. Atribida ka!” tumawa ako at napakunot naman yung noo niya. I didn’t let him speak. “Patapusin mo muna kasi ako.” Hinatak ko siya at pina-upo sa tabi ko. Inayos ko yung pagkaka-upo ko para makatingin ako ng diretso sa mga mata niya.
Ngumiti ako bago muling magsalita, “Si Ian yung unang lalaki na nagpakita at nagparamdam sa akin na importante ako in a romantic way. Sabihin na natin na sakanya ko unang naramdaman yung ‘kilig’ na ‘yan. Siya yung taong lagging pinaparamdam na special ako. You’re asking me if I love him, right?”
“Well, the answer is… I fell in love with…,” huminto ako at hinawakan ang kamay niya. His hands were cold or at least that was how I felt it. “… with what he was doing for me. As simple as that at hanggang doon lang iyon.”
“The truth is, Aya, you don’t love him, you just love the feeling of being loved. No more, no less.” Naalala kong sabi ni Knave sa akin. He’s right. Mahal ko lang yung binibigay na importansya sa akin ni Ian but that didn’t have to mean I love Ian, too. You’re still one of a kind, Knave. Thank you.
“Princess,” he called me. Tumayo ako at hinalikan siya sa pisngi. Naramdaman ko namang ang init-init ng pisngi niya… pero malamig yung kamay niya kanina ah? Weird! But I was sure he wasn’t sick. “Good night, my Prince.”
Agad akong lumayo sa kanya at nagpunta sa pinto palabas ng kwarto niya. Pipihitin ko na sana ‘yung door knob nang bigla niya akong tinawag muli. “Na-napanuod mo na yung movie, yung sa dvd na binili ko?” tanong niya. Did he just stammer?
“Napanuod ko na,” mahina kong sagot. ‘Til my Last Breath’ that was the title of the movie. Syra, Arthon and Ciana.
“I’ll love you,” sabi niya. Nilingon ko siya at tinignang mabuti. What’s with the future tense?
“I’ll love you… ‘Til my last breath.”