song: Trouble- Cage the elephant
SEPTEMBER:
The plot of the return of my father, lessons in manipulation, and a train ride later, I am back at Hogwarts.
Finally, the game is afoot.
I had one goal this year, to help bring back a part of my father's soul to give him more strength. I decided to dedicate my time to studying the Dark Arts, easily accessed by the restricted section. Other than that, I was forced into mind-numbing conversations with Draco. Theodore was bearable, he did not talk much but when he did, it was stimulating.
"I can't wait for Scarhead to see these brooms," Draco is holding his broom as if it is the only thing he ever loved. It is quite funny how we attach so much value to a broomstick.
"Should we give you two some privacy," asked Theodore who was lounging on the couch, slightly lifting his head to observe us.
I could not help but laugh, Theodore smiled back at me.
"You think you're funny? Just you wait-" I interrupted Draco mid-sentence, his face flushed red with annoyance
"Wait until your father hears about this?" I snicker, I don't feel compelled to stick up for Theodore, I just like to see Draco in his place.
Once again, we burst into laughter. I take a seat next to Nott and he sits up, "Are you sure you can do this?" his mix of green and brown eyes unreadable.
"What exactly are you implying?" I sit back lazily on the couch. If I do not act a certain way things will get complicated. My strange behavior reported to Bellatrix and Snape. Punishment. It is not myself I fear for, and they know that. One by one they will harm those close to me, to teach me a lesson.
"I am implying that you stay away from anyone who isn't a pureblood." he glances in my direction.
"Is this about Y/N?" I sit up again, alert.
"I did not say it was, but this information is...particularly... useful." he sighs and stretches again, picking up a nearby book. Without hesitation, I swat the book out of his hand.
"You really think I would ever enjoy the company of someone so desperate for attention?" the words taste bitter on my tongue. This is the only way to protect her. I have developed a soft spot for her, but I would be lying if I said it did not anger me sometimes. Such innocence and kindness, after all that has happened? I do not care for pleasantries or friendship, but she makes me see the value in it, in not being alone. That is what angers me.
He chuckles, "Fair enough."
"Speaking of attention, want to take some away from Golden Boy tomorrow? Show off a bit?" Squeaked Draco.
I smiled, "Why not?" I sometimes find myself stuck in the habits of my family. I don't always mean what I say, it is as if it is being said for me. I don't want to be bad. I don't want to be this person, but I am. Why should I be any different than what I was taught to be?
Eventually, I decided to go to the library, sneaking into the restricted section might just offer me some silence. Luckily, during the holidays I taught myself the Disillusionment charm, so it is much easier to sneak in than it was last year.
I pace between the dusty old books, I cannot help but admire the knowledge that surrounds me. These words fill up pages and pages, cascading onto each other like a waterfall that has never gone through a drought. That is the beauty of books, they just are. People have a need to want more, to need more and that is what these rectangular-shaped papers offer us. Something we do not have in reality, comfort.
I notice a large and tattered book that has gold embroidery, "Secrets of the Dark Arts" I decide to go and sit by my usual spot to read it, not as if there is anything more for me to learn. I casted Crucio last year. Bellatrix said it was important for me to know how to put Mudbloods back where they belong.
The lessons were, challenging. I could not cast it for weeks, Mother started getting impatient, and... every time I failed...
I am interrupted by a whisper. I cautiously look to see Y/N. A piece of me warms when I see her. She gives me hope.
That is when the idea strikes me to teach her. If I cannot protect her, she should be overqualified to protect herself. Not that she can't, I have seen her in class, she only receives "Outstandings" and "Exceeds Expectations", I mean so do I but that is not the point.
My mouth opens and I feel absolutely dim-witted the moment the suggestion leaves my mouth, "Let's practice Defense Against The Dark Arts together." I try and sound as calm as ever.
Before I know it, I see her fidgeting. She does that often. I have noticed it comes from nervousness or pure absent-mindedness. I am assuming it is not the latter, considering the suggestion I just made. I probably sound like an absolute idiot. But I want to set her mind at ease, I want her to be able to do that... with me.
"I know you have no reason to trust me but do...please." The last part comes from desperation. I know what is going to happen this year, and I need her to be capable of handling a Basilisk, or at least, defend from it.
She takes me to, what I now know as, the "Room of Requirement."
And for the next 3 hours, we talk.
"I mean the Dursleys aren't the best, but I think they are doing what they think is right? " she speeds through her sentence
"They sound stupid to me," I can't believe she is trying to stick up for them.
"Sometimes, I mean they made me put my cat, Merlin, into a cage, next to Hedwig, and that took some time getting used to." She snorts, "but what about you? You have barely told me anything about your family."
I stiffen, "Yes, well they make the Durselys look like a field of pansies next to mine. So I would rather not." I dismiss the subject quickly.
"How?" she questions me and I am not sure if she is choosing to ignore the hint or being oblivious.
"Let's talk about something else." I dismiss it this time more forcefully.
"Okay, what form of magic do you most want to learn?" she puts me on the spot again. And this time I allow myself to put my guard down...a little.
"I want to learn everything. Non-verbal magic, wandless magic, Legilimency. I mean who wouldn't want to have that? I always found it quite daft that we don't learn these things. In combat, you lose your wand, and all of a sudden you're utterly useless. And legitimacy should be paired with Occlumency. If you want to read minds you should be able to defend someone from yours as well. I have always wanted to know what others were thinking. I can read them very well but seeing how accurate I am would be interesting, you know?"
She looks at me. And I am trying exceptionally hard not to smile. Trying not to say how nice it is to be listened to, to just talk and not think.
All good things come to an end and I retreat back to the dungeons. I stayed up all night thinking about her.
Eventually, the sun rose, and there I lay in my bed, just enthralled by the irreproachable beauty that was not being alone. Loneliness was a reliable friend that seemed to comfort me in times of uncertainty.
I get ready and throw on a hoodie and some jeans. I go to wake up Draco, he was going to sleep in if it weren't for me.
"Draco, I'm just letting you know that you missed practice. Marcus Flint said you are off the team." I lie
"WHAT? NO! I AM GETTING UP, I WAS JUST-AH- I WILL TELL MY FATHE-" he is running all over the show like a ferret, and starts to wake up the whole dorm. He falls over while getting dressed, stopping him mid-sentence.
"OI! SHUT UP YOU TWO!" I start to laugh at Theodore's words and Draco is not happy with my antics.
As we make our way down to the pitch, I see the Gryffindor team. I stand at the back observing what will result in a conflict.
I guess I don't need to have mind-reading. Not even a few moments later Draco starts insulting Hermoine, and the next thing I know I watch Y/N dangle him in the air by his ankles.
He does deserve it.
Suddenly, McGonnagal arrives from outside, "Y/N Potter, Draco both of you have detention!"
Leaving these two in detention alone would be a disaster. And I am not entirely against the idea of.... never mind.
"Expelliarmus!" her wand is jolted out of her hand and into the air, and then I hear McGonagall shout "You too Mr. Riddle! What has gotten into you children today?"
I smirk and accept my fate. I get scathing looks from Harry and the Gryffindors.
"You leave her alone Riddle!" Harry draws his wand.
"Do you want detention too Potter? One of you is enough." I roll my eyes.
That evening we sit in the transfiguration classroom writing lines "I solemnly swear I will be good" over and over again.
"You three may continue, I am heading to Professor Snape's office, do not make a sound or there will be consequences."
The moment she leaves Draco opens his mouth, I cannot help but admire his inability to back off, "You know if I had been prepared I would have bested you in a duel Potter!" he sneers
"Guess we will never know," she retorts
"Children please, can we do something else?" I laugh at the both of them
"No, we are supposed to be quiet. And I wouldn't want to burden you any further, seeing as I am intolerable." Y/N says this and I feel terrible.
"I only said that to get your brother to back down," I am offended that she believes I do not enjoy her company.
"Why does it bother YOU, do you like him,Potter," Draco is seriously immature
"Shut up Malfoy," we say in unison. He just laughs, "I bet 5 galleons you two are in a relationship by the sixth year," he says
I try not to blush.
"You're on!" I hear Y/N say determined.
And I have this pain in my chest, a gnawing feeling, not on my heart, on the capillaries and arteries leading to the muscles that mechanically beats and for the first time it feels like work as if I must force it to do its job. Its supply has been cut off and I just blink and laugh it off.
Why did that bother me?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HALLOWEEN TO CHRISTMAS:
I have just come back from an encounter with Y/N. I feel I should tell her that the girl's bathroom is actually an entrance to a secret chamber that houses a giant snake that kills you if you look at it, but then again, would she believe me?
I have a duty to do. My own convictions are overshadowed by the presuppositions of my family. Am I what I choose or am I what I was told? Or are they the same thing?
"I wonder how long it will take for everyone to stop thinking Draco is the heir of Slytherin," laughed Theodore
I couldn't help but laugh too, it was rather ridiculous, but soon enough the name "Riddle" and its origins will be known.
"Oh, we will truly be the Kings of Slytherin," said Theodore in a doting manner.
"Being the son of the Dark Lord is not a tool or an advantage, you would find it most advantageous to remember that." I say rather sternly
"Oh lighten up, just because you're Voldemort's son doesn't mean you have to be so gloomy all the time, I mean that guy," he points to Draco, "is your cousin, that's the worst part of all this. The rest of it, so bloody what?"
I stare at Theodore in confusion and so is Draco. I don't think we have ever heard him say so many sentences.
"How many butterbeers have you had?" I tease.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE DIARY:
"Mattheo, don't lie to me!" she's pacing. She is not angry, she is confused and I don't blame her.
"I AM A LIAR! I AM NOTHING MORE THAN A FOOTPRINT IN THE SAND. I AM WASHED AWAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I CREATE NEW VERSIONS OF MYSELF TO SUIT THE PERSPECTIVE OF EVERYBODY! AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT I TELL MYSELF. IT'S A LIE. THESE VERSIONS KEEP ME SANE. CRUEL? KIND? SINNER? SAINT? WHAT DIFFERENCE IS IT?! "
All the words I wish to say but never will. I pretend I am unbothered, unyielding to her pleas. Each step she takes shatters, my soul. I am the reason she is doing this.
I say I don't know him, technically I don't. That's a soulless speck of dust. Nothing more but a shadow of his former self.
I hate this. This feeling I can't shake, she makes me want to be good. To do good. And I am... after Collin Creevy was petrified, it all became so real and the memory of my actions haunts me, I had to do something...
I remember sitting there in the great hall, scared and scheming with the "trio" and the questions plagued my mind, how must I do somthing without making the problem worse? If Tom realizes I have betrayed him... if he knows why... she will be dead. I cannot protect her alone, but I can get someone strong enough to.
With heavy steps, that echo the empty corridor, I walk towards the office, I knew I would have to face it someday.
"Lemon Drop", what a terrible password I cannot help but think.
I watch as the gargoyle turns and the staircase emerges. I hesitate, for a moment. I consider my life following the steps of my father. Those thoughts wash away. I am better than that... I think. Before I can even knock on the door, an old voice speaks, "Finally Mr. Riddle, I was beginning to think you would never show."
I enter and remember to pull my shoulders back and try to look more serious and mature than I am.
"They are going to suspend you. Soon." greeting him back would be futile, we are long past pleasantries.
"I assumed as much," he stares off into the pensieve that illuminates his face with a blue light, "the attacks will worsen?"
"I believe you know the answer to that," I dare to walk closer, "but I do have... a proposition, of sorts" I gesture my hand slowly in the air.
"And what do you think, Mr.Riddle, would make you so arrogantly think I would accept?" He lifts his head slowly, looking into the reflective mirror, watching me in the background.
I take another step closer, not breaking eye contact, "Because I have what you need."
"And what is that," he turns around leaning against the pensieve, staring back at me
"I will tell you everything. When attacks will occur, how to prevent deaths, you got lucky the first time, but the rest? I don't think so-"
"Miss. Y/N Potter... and here I thought you were just as loveless as your Father..." gazing mysteriously off now, at a collection of vials.
"I do not...love," I cough, "Y/N. I only want to help." Im not sure how to feel anymore.
"Mattheo, could you walk to that shelf and hand me the second vial to the left," confused I do as he says, maybe old age is getting to him.
I reach for the top and hold onto the hope that what they say about growth spurts is true, lazily I turn the green bottle over, "Veritaserum?"
Dumbledore nods, "Join me for a drink won't you?" He walks over to his desk and pulls out a chair for me.
"Is this for you? Odd choice of drink, but who am I to judge? Some firewhiskey for me please," walking to the chair that looks rather uncomfortable I take a seat.
"It's the opposite way around. If I am to trust...you... I will need insurance." he pauses and I search his face. This bespectacled old bat was testing me. I wait.
1. I want to do the right thing
2. For her, no for, the people?
3. This is stupid.
"What do you want to know?" I take a gulp from the potion and listen as I make an absolute fool of myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE HEIR OF SLYTHERIN:
"Don't you ever get tired?" I look around to watch Draco and Theodore as they ponder my question
"Tired of what exactly?" Dracoo starts pacing, "I'm wonderful, nothing to be tired of," he says quite confidently
Theodore raises his hand, "I get tired of him does that count?" he laughs
"You're all jealous, that's all..." Taking his seat Draco starts straightening his uniform
"Okay, as much as I love messing with his ego, can we be serious?" I ask, "Being destined for being a death eater and all that rubbish..."
"Not like we have a choice mate," he sighs," and besides aren't you going to be leader of the death eaters?" he jests sarcastically
"I don't always agree with my father's ideals..." Draco trails off and seems to get lost in his mind full of thoughts.
"Neither do I."
We all sit in silence for a moment. I can hear our hearts beating against the rib cage which is the only thing containing us from exploding. We all realize we have contradicted our duties. Betrayed the values we are supposed to care about. We all know Ginny might die tonight, and that Voldemort might be closer to returning. We could stop this.
We all look at each other
"I'll distract Snape" Draco shoots off
"I'll distract the prefects," grins Theodore
"I will go to the Chamber"
We all smile and then set off to complete our quests. Maybe we could be better.
I make my way down to the second-floor girl's bathroom and as I make my way down the hallway, I see her.
Dammit Y/N. She just HAD to get involved. I was hoping she wouldn't figure it out. I thought Dumbledore was going to protect her and now here she is, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out why.
I hear mumbling, "Giant snake, imminent death, the usual." I try and stifle a laugh at the last part, but also know I must protect her.
My mind flashes back to what Dumbledore said a few months ago, when I met him in his office, "She will figure it out. What then Mr. Riddle?"
Under the effects of veritaserum, I was as honest as I could be, "I will protect her."
"Miss Potter wants to prove her abilities, she will not go down without a fight."
My mind feels fizzy as if any possibility of not sounding absolutely idiotic is zero, "I will find a way to keep her away from all that darkness. I would rather watch the world burn than let her go into the Chamber." I want to slam my head into the desk. THIS IS STUPID. I have never been so vulnerable and I am mortified that the person who is hearing this is DUMBLEDORE.
There is a twinkle in his eye, "I may have an idea," he stretches his long fingers out and taps them gently on the desk, "Mattheo, will you tell me before the Basilisk attacks? When I leave, will you do everything in your power to ensure not one student dies?"
"I would make the unbreakable vow Sir." I stretch out my arm. This is bad.
He stretches out his arm and the charm is performed.
"That will be all Mr.Riddle" he tries to dismiss me
"What about Y/N?" I refuse to leave without asking at least one question and having an honest answer in return.
"You leave that to me."
From there, I have had to use people like pieces in a chess game. Ensuring Nearly Headless-Nick was at the right place at the right time. Setting a mirror in the right place so Penelope Clearwater would see it through the reflection. Warning Y/N, knowing she would tell Hermoine, thus also only seeing it through a reflection.
Being rushed back into the present, I see I must do everything I must to stop her from endangering herself, even if she hates me for it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE TRIP BACK:
"You should have seen Snape's face when I barged into his office! I started talking about how if I was the Heir Of Slytherin I would have been much more efficient." He holds in a laugh
"And how long did this last?" I ask him
"About an hour, he tried to force me to leave, but I insisted or else my father would hear how he is treating his ONLY son."
"I can't believe he fell for that, my approach was more messy..." he trails off
"You didn't have to use Melofors on those prefects Theodore," Draco seems to find it hilarious
"Oh, don't be so serious, they ran around for a bit before clearing the corridor and heading to Pomfrey."
The compartment erupts into laughter.
"At least we didn't get the beating of our lives-"
"I deserved it" I interrupted, "It was part of the plan. If that didn't happen the way it did..." I shudder at the thought, "but at least you two had fun."
"WE GOT DETENTION FOR A WEEK!"
I laugh again. When the train suddenly stops.
We quiet down, knowing that our antics were reported and some form of punishment awaits us back at home. At least, they don't know the motivations.
With an atmosphere of sorrow, we get our things.
"Mattheo?"
I turn around to see Y/N. We haven't had time to really talk since... that night.
She pulls me in for a hug. My heart explodes. I don't think she realizes that no one has ever given me a hug. I've never been touched out of love. I am so used to touch meaning hurt, pain, deceit that I freeze.
"Thank you," she says
Thanking me? Why? I am frozen at this moment. I slowly raise my arms to return the hug, almost too afraid to break this delicate moment. As if my touch would shatter her. So, I hover my hands just above her shoulder blades. Not touching. This is too perfect to ruin.
I scan the crowd and see the Malfoys. They look disgusted. I know what that means...