~~~
You only know what I want you to
~~~
Conversations are inherently human .
Regardless of the fancy words we pepper them with, conversations revolve mainly around the task of delivering information, albeit with bias and emotion and influence blended in. But perhaps that's the trouble - for all their intrinsic emotion, conversations can be just as treacherous as Moments - conveying one thing and encapsulating another, and one can only wonder if words are as much our friends as they are our foes.
Interestingly, it is in this game of words that most important things come to pass, most celestial plans come to fruition, and most wandering minds choose a definite path. Undeniably, inherently human.
...
"Why would he say that?" Amelia cried out, and Emily searched for the appropriate words.
"Umm", was all she could come up with in the moment.
Visibly distraught, Amelia moved past her and collapsed on the couch, her fingers weaving through her hair in frustration as Emily silently dithered beside her, at an absolute loss.
If conventional friendships had a set route map, theirs had followed a seedy back alley and lost all sight of their destination.
Breathing deeply, Emily attempted to distract herself from such thoughts of discomfort and settled meekly beside the brunette, and put a tentative arm around her shoulders.
"Ames, calm down."
Judging by Amelia's widened eyes, it wasn't the right thing to say.
"Calm down? Calm down?" Calming down a little, Amelia pressed on, "Did you hear what he said? 'Take care, Amy across the Atlantic' - why the fuck did he have to say that?"
...
"Why the fuck did you have to say that?" Sarah said loudly, almost upsetting her coffee mug.
"Why the fuck didn't he have to say that", Armin said in an undertone. Sarah swatted him on the arm in response.
Adam stayed silent, his arms folded across his chest.
"Did she say something?" Sarah asked with wide-eyed wonder, as Armin rolled his eyes, "Get over it Montgomery, she's gone." he shot back contemptuously, not noticing the pain that passed over Sarah's face.
...
"He's gone, I'm over it - I mean, I get it." Amelia muttered, more to herself than anyone else, and Emily leaned in closer.
"Ames, it's okay if you're hurting."
"But it's not", Amelia shot back tremulously, "it's been two years;I left him!"
...
"It's been two years; she left him", Armin continued, oblivious (not uncharacteristically) to Adam stiffening beside him, staring at slack-jawed Sarah who stood silently gaping at him, "Maybe it's time we stop treating her name like taboo and taking her side in every argument, yeah?"
Sarah lowered her head, defeated, and Armin pressed on, relentless, "You should've seen the look on her face, Sarah - like she'd seen a ghost; that's what he gets for a take care? It's been two bloody meetings - not once did she stay back to even utter hello - that's what we get after all this time? But no, nobody gets to talk about Amelia Barnett because she used to be Sarah's best friend, no matter what she - "
"That's enough Armin", interjected Adam, quietly but firmly, and Armin (not uncharacteristically) complied.
...
"It's enough," Amelia said in a hollow voice, and Emily sat mute beside her, "I get it, he hates me. Does he have to rub it in my face? I've been giving them their space after each meeting too, isn't that clue enough?"
"I've noticed", Emily said, subdued, reflecting on how Amelia would slink out of the room after each meeting just as soon as the handshakes and see-you-next-Friday's would start. It had never quite occurred to her that it was done for his benefit, rather than hers.
Amelia ran her hand through her hair again, and Emily cast around for something appropriate to say.
"Amelia?" she finally found the courage to say.
"Yes, dearest?" Amelia asked wearily.
"Why did he call you Amy across the Atlantic?"
Amelia sighed, pulling out the cushion from behind her back and settling it in her lap, and Emily could tell that it was an old, if not long, story.
"Well, Adam and I - when we first met, I introduced myself as Amelia and he asked why he couldn't call me Amy instead..."
...
"Why did you call her Amy? Why not just - just Amelia?" Sarah asked quietly, her wary eyes on Armin's back, as Adam sighed beside her and looked at his hands instead.
Adam looked up and trained his eyes on Armin's back, who was now fiddling around in the tiny kitchenette in the studio loft, while Sarah waited patiently by his side. After a considerable while, he spoke, "I...I don't know."
Sarah said nothing, her silence gnawing.
"I just..." Adam paused again, his brow furrowed, "I wanted to get a reaction," he said, "I know what you're thinking, it's silly and it's juvenile and a little spiteful too - but you weren't there Sarah - she'd been avoiding eye contact and she'd throw us these cold looks like - like we were infringing, by being there, somehow. And I - I just said it."
"How did she react?" Sarah asked, her voice just as low, her hand resting on his forearm.
"She said nothing," Adam said, scoffing, "she just raised her eyebrows in that way she had and she walked right out of the office."
Sarah said nothing, only lowered her gaze, and Adam never saw the shame and disappointment in her eyes.
...
Emily thought she detected something like shame and disappointment in Amelia's eyes, but kept her opinions to herself.
Amelia, to her credit, sat with her chin up, gripping at the frayed edges of the cushion.
"Should I pull out?" Amelia finally spoke up.
"Er... excuse me?"
"Pull out of the project - I mean it's no use having an architect that none of the UAI members want to work with -"
"Amelia, no!" Emily exclaimed, unable to believe her ears, "There's no way - no way in hell are you quitting that job. You're the project manager - you can't back out -"
"I'm not backing out," Amelia interrupted loudly, her eyes flashing, "I'm just offering the position to someone better suited to bring the project to completion - it's nothing personal."
Emily remained silent for several seconds, and then decided to do what she did best - tell the truth.
"It is personal - you're afraid, Ames", she spoke, her voice echoing in Amelia's sparsely furnished living room, and Amelia visibly cringed at her words.
...
Sarah visibly cringed as Armin shuffled into the room and threw a backhanded comment about The Bitch before settling down with his sandwich.
Adam glowered at the blond, but didn't say a word.
She decided to stay silent, but words squirmed within her like a can of worms. So she turned to Adam and whispered, "It's time you forgave her Adam."
Adam turned to face her and replied just as quietly, "What makes you think I haven't?"
"Adam, please -"
"When someone tells you that you love them too much, and that it's killing them, you don't forgive them, Sarah," Adam said just as quietly as before, "you forget them and you move past it. Unless they come barging back and pretend to have never met you. In that case, you remind them of what they used to be and hope for a satisfying reaction."
Sarah sat numbed by his response, a chill running down her spine.
...
Emily sat numbed by her response, a chill running down her spine. How could anyone be so heartless?
"I know what you're thinking", Amelia responded, laughing without a trace of mirth in her voice, "I'm heartless. But I can't change what I did - I told him I couldn't take it anymore and I left within the next two hours. And that was that. "
"This was two years ago?"
On our first anniversary, said Amelia, her fingers grasping at her hair, a haunted expression on her face.
Emily recoiled (just a little bit). She really didn't know Amelia as much as she thought.
...
Sarah recoiled at his words - shocked at his words and hurt at the realization that after all these years, she didn't know Adam as well as she thought.
She longed to say something, anything, in defence of Amelia and all that she'd done. But the fact of the matter was that Amelia had quite literally disappeared from their lives without bothering with an explanation, and all the joy she'd felt two months ago when Adam told her in no uncertain terms that he'd run into Amelia at the Met exhibition had evaporated just as soon at the vitriol in his voice and the disappointment in her heart. Some stories were better left unfinished.
But here she was, again, thrust back into their lives inexplicably and Sarah didn't know what was worse - Adam's luck at having to see her again and again without ever really wanting to or her own misfortune at never getting the chance to communicate with the girl who owed her so many answers.
Her head pounded with the momentum of all the unanswered question - if only Amelia could've left a note.
...
"I left a note," Amelia continued in a hollow voice, "I had - we had friends; my college roommate had a sister - Sarah - who had her own studio. He was working there when we first met; she introduced us. And she played cupid for months," Amelia pressed on, a sad smile on her face, I had a falling out with Abby - my roommate - but Sarah always had my back. The day I left, I left behind a note asking Sarah to meet me at our favourite coffee shop so I could explain everything. The next day, I waited for hours, but no one turned up. And I'm not complaining - she chose his side and I get that - but it'd have been nice to get to keep one friend, you know? It's like our world was ripped right off the seams of where my self ended, and I got to have none of it."
Emily sat quietly, aware that Amelia was talking more to herself than to anyone else, her mind oddly blank. There was a part of her that wanted to comfort the grieving girl - a part who, despite a total lack of understanding, could yet sympathise with the brunette and offer soothing words of wisdom. There was another part that wanted to shake her by the shoulders and demand why on earth would somebody leave someone else behind for loving them too much.
The third, rational part of Emily decided to stay out of the matter and debated whether she should stop by the grocery store on her way back home or not.
...
"I'm going to pick up some groceries", Armin announced, having finished his sandwich, his back turned to Sarah and Adam as he washed his plate in the sink, while the two maintained a nondescript silence, "You guys wanna come along? Cos I'm not lugging back cartons full of Cheez-Its on my own," he said, chuckling at his own joke, glancing back at Sarah who managed a weak smile, and shook her head.
"I think I'll just stay home" she said, and Adam followed on cue "I have to go over the site map of the Visual Arts Centre - Thompson & Lowell expect us to come up with design ideas in the next meeting."
"We can do that later tonight", Armin interjected, his brow furrowed.
"I'd better get to it right now", Adam said firmly," you go on ahead, you can catch up later tonight."
Armin stood uncertainly in the doorway, his eyes travelling from Sarah to Adam and back again, and he sighed and walked back towards them, settling down on a stool with a laden expression
"Guys, it's just..." he cast around for the right words to say, "You can't let her do this to you, not all over again"
"It's not about her, Armin" Adam said emphatically, not making eye contact.
Armin bit back the retort that sat on the tip of his tongue and said placatingly, "Okay, my mistake. Let's just forget work for a while, yeah? It's Friday night, what are we doing still indoors? Let's go out for drinks!"
Sarah bit her lip, watching Adam from the corner of her eye, and then said with as much enthusiasm as she could muster, "That's a great idea! So, Callaghan's?"
...
"There's this bar, you know, Callaghan's," Amelia spoke out of the blue.
Emily gazed at her, waiting for her to continue
"It's an Irish bar - lovely collection of whiskeys they've got," Continued Amelia, not making eye contact, playing with the frayed seams of the cushion, "if you'd like, we can go there right away - drinks on me." She looked up with a strained, albeit sincere smile, and Emily felt her affection for the brunette grow considerably. "How about", Amelia spoke deliberately, "we head down to 2nd and 34th street and treat ourselves to some fine Irish camaraderie?"
"And by camaraderie, I'm guessing you're talking about the gorgeous barkeep?"
Amelia chuckled, and Emily smiled at the sound, "I'm hopelessly transparent, aren't I."
"Not so much, as Trey is a total catch. My girls and I used to go there all the time after classes," explained Emily, at the Amelia's look of surprise, "we even tried chatting him up, but he's got a steely resolve and absolutely no mercy on us, so he remained just as elusive as we'd like."
"Trevor Ellis, an elusive man?" Amelia laughed, as Emily shot her a questioning look, "His name is Trevor? Why'd he always go with the oh-so-douchey Trey?"
"Trevor likes keeping appearances", Amelia said lightly, getting off the couch and walking into her room, as Emily followed her, "I believe he also spouted random facts about movies and talk about my boy Reg all too much."
"Wait, just how often have you been to Callaghan's?"
"It used to be our haunt", Amelia said quietly, but without the sadness that had tinged her voice for the last hour - her voice seemed hopeful, something in its lilting cadences that indicated a secret that Emily didn't yet know.
"You still go there?"
...
"When was the last time we even came here?" Sarah asked, the light from the neon sign bouncing off the lenses of her spectacles as she scrunched up her face looking up at the marquee. The Callaghan's looked bigger somehow, louder and more boisterous than they remembered, with even the green neon sign brighter and snazzier than they remembered.
"Two years and three months - give or take a week." Adam replied nonchalantly, and Sarah fidgeted uncomfortably at the edge in his voice.
"I wonder if that Ellis chap is still here", Armin said, unaware of the palpable tension, and stuffed his hands in his jacket and entered the crowded bar. Sarah and Adam glanced at each other, and followed him in.
...
"So tell me about George", Amelia said lightly, and Emily smiled at her almost gratefully, happy with the change in the tone of the conversation as well as at Amelia's generosity in the face of her own misery.
"George's alright", Emily said coyly, wondering what on earth was good enough a statement about her boyfriend of almost four years, and with a heavy heart, settled on the most trivial details she could safely divulge.
"Well, he's an accountant with this very fancy law firm - his job is to manage the company finances and iron out mergers and acquisitions for clients who hire him for auditing - it's a very important job", Emily said, unaware of how earnest she sounded, as Amelia listened to her with a warm smile on her face, the two of them walking on the sidewalk, "He's actually going to be promoted in a few months, tops - he's been working so hard for that - and he went to Syracuse too and was op of the class there, you know."
"He went to Syracuse?" said Amelia's her interest piqued.
"Yeah - graduating class of 2011, majored in finance."
"Oh...that's the same year as me," said Amelia, racking her brain for a George Connelly on campus, but gave up the search within seconds as she realized she barely knew anyone in her own major to begin with.
"That's fantastic! I'll tell George I've found his fellow Orange!"
"Now when you put it like that it's mildly embarrassing", Amelia said, chuckling, "but I'd sure like to meet him some day."
"You'd like him", Emily responded demurely, and Amelia could see pride colour her cheeks - she really did love this George of hers. "He makes the most amazing pancakes - come over for breakfast sometime? Why don't you?"
Amelia smiled and nodded as they finally reached the pub, letting Emily take the lead as they weaved their way through the crowd, all the while trying to figure out where she'd heard the name George Connelly before.
...
"I keep telling Abby she'd got to do away with this guy - he's just no good for her, but you know how she is, she never listens to me..." Adam nodded dutifully to Sarah's rant, his mind elsewhere. He followed Armin with his eyes, heading straight to the bar, and took up the task of finding themselves seats. With Sarah in tow, still waxing eloquent about persistent boy-trouble of her little sister's, Adam finally spotted an empty table towards the back. Taking Sarah by the hand, he made his way to the table, missing it by a bare few seconds as a blonde appeared from the side and deposited her hand bag on the table instead.
Adam made to turn, already on the lookout for another seat, when something made him turn right back. Two things, in fact.
Firstly, the blonde was fairly reminiscent of someone he'd seen earlier that day - wasn't this Emily Something from the Met?
Secondly, the blonde was followed by the last woman he wanted to see that night. Sweeping her long dark hair over her shoulder, Amelia deposited her own, far more expensive looking bag on the table, and had barely pulled out a chair for herself when she spotted Emily's taut expression.
Emily Something, who'd spotted Adam and Sarah a few feet away, now looked at them like a deer caught in the headlight. It was nothing compared to Amelia's reaction though.
Amelia turned towards them, her mouth hanging slightly open as her gaze travelled over his face, and then closing determinedly as it stopped on Sarah's, when she visibly gulped. It would've been comical, had it not been for all the heartache.
It's interesting to note how ubiquitous yet redundant conversations truly are. Conversations can relay information, manipulate, conceal it and simply will it out of existence as well, but it can never do so with raw emotion. It was a lesson both Adam and Amelia would learn that night, if they hadn't learned it before.
Sarah stood silent for a full second, biting her lip and staring with wide eyes at Amelia, who visibly shrunk within the aforementioned second. Unable to fathom a coherent sentence, the brunette stepped towards the blonde with a meagre "Sarah, I..."
But Sarah was quicker; she stepped forward at a speed that may have astonished them all had they been paying attention to things like that and grabbed Amelia by the hand, smacking the brunette's arm as hard as she possibly could. The next second, she hugged her.
Amelia, for lack of a better word, was dumbfounded.
Sarah wasn't.
"You bitch - how could you - two bloody years - not even a note - do you have any idea how much I missed you?"
~~~
Author's Note - I apologize for the delay! This should've been up by Friday evening but life, alas, got in the way. Perhaps the very first chapter where all my characters made an appearance one way or another. Also some not-so-subtle foreshadowing - any guesses what it could be?
And just throwing this out there - what are your thoughts about Hailee Steinfeld as Amelia and Liam Hemsworth as Adam?