summary: you've spent four years trying to understand the complicated mess of thoughts that make up kate bishop. after dealing with the pain of her absence, and the more significant pain of her return, you finally get it right.
warnings: none; light angst with happy ending; childhood best friends to idiots in love who are too stubborn to admit it; my writing style changing every other paragraph
wordcount: 2.8k
a/n: this very loosely follows the events of hawkeye up until the day before the christmas party. it's also heavily inspired by babyblue by xana. you don't have to listen to it for the fic but it's an incredible song and i can't recommend it enough. enjoy! <3
* * * * * * *
People say absence makes the heart grow fonder but you call absolute bullshit on that.
Although to be fair, the problem isn't the saying. The problem is Kate Bishop.
You're definitely not the first person to think that, and you certainly won't be the last considering the kind of person Kate is, but that doesn't mean you can't be upset about it. Especially considering the years that have passed.
You've always given her the benefit of the doubt, not because you think she deserves it but because you would have driven yourself crazy from the amount of unanswered questions Kate left behind. Or more specifically, from the fact that she left you behind with no explanation.
Kate deciding to leave you and Bishop Security behind to go to university outside of the city wasn't surprising. What was surprising was her refusing to tell you about her decision until the day she had to leave, making sure to tell you how unambitious she thought you were for taking the job her mom offered you as her secretary.
You still didn't know what hurt more, her disappearing from your life or the insults she hurled your way before she left. Kate Bishop has many flaws and being an overachiever is definitely near the top of the list. Hence the amount of effort she put into shoving you out of her life.
It should have made working with her mom incredibly uncomfortable but Eleanor seemed to understand your pain better than you could have imagined. Being left behind by the young archer wasn't an experience that was unique to just you and yet it didn't make you miss her any less. You're usually good at ignoring the pain her absence left inside you but tonight is different. You look around the bustling party, the smallest of frowns on your face.
This was definitely the worst part of your job. You didn't mind the long meetings, the stacks of reports you had to look through every day or even the miscellaneous tasks that Eleanor assigns you because you're the only one who won't complain about having to bring her another cup of coffee every few hours.
All of that was nothing compared to having to go to stupid galas with even stupider people. You'll never understand why your boss insists on you accompanying her to every Bishop Security gala considering the lack of something to do. You have a sneaking suspicion it's her way of trying to get you to interact with more people to hopefully find a way to get over Kate but you've never questioned her about it.
You catch sight of your boss while scanning the room for something to take your mind off a certain purple archer and she calls you over to her. You force a smile onto your face as you approach her. "Is everything okay?"
"You don't have to sound so formal, y/n," Eleanor says with a small smile. "We're out of the office."
"Right. My question still stands though."
She affectionately rolls her eyes at your insistence. "Yes, everything is fine. I just wanted you to hear the news from me. Kate is home for the holidays...and she's coming tonight."
You force yourself not to react even though your first instinct is to run as far away as possible from the party. You try to be calm but your voice comes out a tad harsher than intended. "And I'm supposed to be interested in that information because?"
"Because she's been looking your way since I called you over."
Your eyebrows raise in surprise and even though you really shouldn't do it, you lift your head up and scan the room for Kate Bishop. You don't have to search for long. Even with the years gone by, your eyes are immediately drawn to her tall, suit-clad frame. She meets your eyes from across the room and you swear everyone else disappears until only the two of you remain. You notice the clench in her jaw even from this distance and you hate yourself for finding it extremely attractive.
Some things never change.
"You should go talk to her."
You tear your gaze away from Kate to stare incredulously at Eleanor for even suggesting that. "I'd rather get fired than spend five minutes with her."
"Then you're lucky we're not at work," she says with a playful glare. "Come on, y/n, how long has it been since you've seen her?"
She already knows the answer. She was the one you called to pick you up from Grand Central Station after Kate left you behind to chase after...whatever it is she was hoping to find out there. You're not sure if you're hoping she found it or not.
"That doesn't matter. She's visited New York how many times since she started college?" You let the question hang in the air for a few seconds to avoid sounding as bitter as you feel. "And how many times did she come to see me?"
The older Bishop woman raises her hands in mock surrender. "Alright, alright, I get it. I won't push. Just think about it?"
She walks away from you with a small smile, probably going off to find Jack to tell him all about yet another failed attempt at getting you and Kate back on speaking terms again.
When you turn back, Kate's gone and you do your best to ignore the ache her absence leaves inside you.
You decide to go back to your apartment a few minutes later which means you successfully miss the drama that unfolds. What you don't miss is the news report recounting the events or the text from Eleanor telling you you don't have to go to the office for the next few days. You find it strange but you're not about to say no to some much-needed time off.
That does mean you miss Kate's surprising return to Bishop Security which leaves you completely unprepared when she shows up at your door with a ridiculous request and an even more ridiculous outfit.
"I need you to take care of my dog for a few hours."
That's the first thing she says when you open your door. No greeting. No apology. No explanation as to why she has the audacity to ask you for a favor after avoiding you like the plague for almost four full years.
Unfortunately for you, your anger is momentarily forgotten at the sight of the adorable golden retriever standing happily at the brunette's side. "Since when do you have a dog?"
"Since last night," she replies with a shrug. "I saw him outside of the party yesterday and my heart wouldn't let me leave him behind."
You have no doubt that she was trying to be cute with that reply but all it does is make you remember all the reasons why you should slam the door in her face. She seems to read your mind just from the shift in your facial expressions because she 'accidentally' lets go of the dog's leash and lets him run straight into your apartment.
"Listen, I can explain, and I will, just not right now. But I promise you it's important."
Of course.
You were kidding yourself if you thought Kate had actually changed. It's always been this way with her. There's always something to chase that's infinitely more important than you. So important, in fact, that she can't even stop for five seconds to explain what the hell is going on.
"You haven't changed a bit, Kate." There's a flash of something in her eyes, maybe it's regret or maybe it's disappointment, but it's gone just as fast as it came. She opens her mouth to say something but you interrupt her before she can dig herself into a deeper hole. Yet another habit that you're sure she hasn't learned to break. "It's fine, just go."
She hesitates for a second before giving you a small nod and walking away. You watch her go just like all the other times before. Except this time there's an excitable dog waiting inside your apartment. You try not to think about how badly you wish the furry companion by your side was Kate instead as you go about your day.
To no one's surprise, you don't hear from the archer for the rest of the day. You would be disappointed if you weren't so used to it. At least this time, Kate's broken promises only result in you having to take care of the golden retriever, who you've affectionately started calling Lucky, and nothing else...or so you think.
It's not until late morning the next day that your door receives another urgent knock. Lucky immediately reacts, jumping down from the couch and running over to the door, his tail wagging rapidly as if he can tell his new owner is waiting on the other side. You chuckle despite yourself before following after him. "I don't think you're getting this dog back, Kate."
The smile on your face disappears once you take in her appearance. Her face is littered with small cuts and you can see the outline of a bruise forming on the side of her jaw. Your eyebrows furrow the longer you look at her but the answer is given to you by the purple costume she's wearing. Even without a bow in her hand, it's obvious what her outfit represents and you can literally feel your heart sink into the depths of your stomach.
"y/n-"
"No. Save it." There's a mix of concern and frustration in your tone but you don't have nearly enough time to figure out which feeling is stronger. "Just take your dog and go."
"I can't," she says, tinges of desperation painting her voice. "I owe you an explanation."
You scoff. "Oh, you owe me much more than that. You have no idea what the last four years have been like for me."
The brunette takes a step forward, clearly asking a silent question. "Then tell me what I'm missing. Help me make it right."
"I'm not a stupid Avengers mission, Kate!" You hate the way your voice breaks under the weight of your repressed emotions. "If you're looking for someone to save, you're in the wrong place. I don't need you. Not anymore."
You're ready for that to be the end of the conversation and you reach out to grab hold of Lucky's leash. You're about to hand the leash over to Kate when her next words stop you in your tracks.
"What if I need you?"
You stare at her with wide eyes almost not believing what you've just heard. Four years of silence and absence. That's what it took to hear those words you've desperately longed for.
But it's not enough.
"You're a little too late."
She wants to fight back against your words. You know her well enough to recognize that spark of determination in her eyes. Despite what you've just said, a part of you hopes that's what she's going to do. That this time she'll fight for you.
Instead, all you get is a mumbled apology as she snatches Lucky's leash and walks away again. You shouldn't have expected anything different...but you did. You expected whatever mess she seems to be in to be more than enough motivation to fix what happened between the two of you.
Kate Bishop is many things but predictable isn't one of them.
The next few days go by far too slowly for your liking. Eleanor denies your request to go back to work (multiple times) and without a place to travel to for the holidays, you're stuck in the one place you'd rather not be. You don't think there's a single corner of New York that won't remind you of the one person you don't want to spend any more time thinking about.
It's not until the day before the Christmas party, a party you helped arrange even though it's definitely not a part of your job description, that you run into the purple archer once again. Or more specifically, she runs into you.
You're on your way out of your apartment despite the heavy rain that falls outside. You open your door expecting to be met with an empty hall only to find a soaking-wet Kate Bishop standing on your doorstep, looking like the world's largest golden retriever. You do your best to ignore the way your heart skips a beat just from the mere sight of her. It takes a few seconds for you to get over your shock but you manage to find your voice. "Kate? What are you doing here?"
"I'm sorry, I know I'm the last person you want to see right now."
You briefly consider slamming the door shut in her face but decide against it. For the moment. "That didn't answer the question, Bishop."
"I just..." She sighs. "I had to see you again."
"So you decided to walk here in the pouring rain?" You're stuck between wanting to call her an idiot and wanting to admit how cute she looks. Yeah, you're still a sucker for her puppy dog eyes.
"I know I don't deserve another chance after everything I've done but please. I can't keep this inside any longer. I need to talk to you."
A long moment of silence goes by before you make up your mind. You might be signing yourself up for more disappointment but you have too many unanswered questions to let her walk away again.
"Come in before you catch a cold," you say as you open the door wider for her.
She wastes no time in complying and you're almost certain the shakiness of her hands has less to do with the rain and more to do with her nerves. You take a deep breath to calm your racing heart before shutting the door and following after her.
She stands awkwardly in the middle of your living room, her eyes scanning every picture frame and random poster that adorns your walls. You can tell the realization she comes to by the subtle slouch of her shoulders. There's not a single thing in your living room that carries the memory of her. No pictures, no posters, no trace of the role she played in your life at some point.
"Let me get you a towel or something." You start to walk away but a hand on your wrist stops you. You let her turn you around, not putting up any sort of fight as she pulls you in closer to her.
You wait for her to say something but all she does is stare into your y/e/c eyes, her grip on your wrist tightening ever so slightly. You can practically see every thought that flickers through her mind and you want nothing more than to spend the rest of the day deciphering the walking contradiction of feelings that make up who she is.
"y/n..." Her voice trails off as her blue eyes travel down your face. You've never seen that look before but you're almost certain you know what it means. And it makes your head spin. "I shouldn't have walked away. Not the first time, not the last time. But I...I'm so afraid of hurting you. Again. I thought dealing with my feelings would be easier if I was away from you but I was wrong. All it did was make you a stranger and you have no idea how much I regret that. How badly I want to make things right between us because I...I love you. I always have. And I can't go another second without you knowing that."
You're stuck between who you've been and who you want to be.
You've spent the better part of four years cursing Kate for leaving you, regretting the love you couldn't help but foster for her, wishing she had never stepped foot into your life. But now...with her standing in front of you, looking at you with sincere eyes strong enough to make any other girl weak in the knees, you accept the truth you've been pushing away for so long.
You don't blame Kate for leaving. You don't regret the years you spent by her side. You don't wish you never met her. You don't hate her.
You love her.
It's been that way since the day you met her and no amount of stupid mistakes or misunderstandings can ever change that. Hell, not even both of your stubborn personalities could change it.
"Say something," she whispers. "Please."
She leans in toward you. It's a small move but you pick up on it immediately. Your breath catches in your throat before you do the only thing you can think of.
You close your eyes and take a leap, trusting Kate to catch you.
And she does. For the first time, you embrace the uncertainty that makes up your strained relationship and she doesn't leave you hanging. She meets you halfway and the feeling of her lips against yours holds a promise you know she'll fight tooth and nail to keep. She's not leaving.
This time, and every time from here on out, she's staying. And that's all that matters.