RAIN POV
He held my hand as we went upstairs, and once again, he stopped right in front of my room.
I just stopped with him, letting him do his thing.
'Wanna go in?' I ask
'What's in there?' He turns to me
'Open and find out.' I smile a little. 'It's safe.'
He slowly reached for the handle and opened the door, walking inside equally slowly.
His eyes were darting around quite a bit before he decided to talk.
'This is your room, isn't it?'
'Mhm.' I confirm. 'Or.. it was. It still is, but I only use it for the closet. If I'm not stealing your clothes.'
'You wear my clothes?'
'This shirt sure isn't mine.' I smile as I look down at myself. The black, baggy shirt falls almost to my thighs.
'That's mine?'
I looked up at him, nodding in confirmation.
'If it makes you feel uncomfortable, I'll change.'
'No need to do that. It's okay.' That was the tiniest of smiles, but it was a smile
'Did... did something happen in here?' He asks, looking around again
'I mean... a lot of things happened here.' I giggled at my own joke, and he just smiled a little
'But... this is where you told me you loved me for the first time.' I added a bit more quietly
He didn't know what to say to that, and I don't blame him. He doesn't remember, and whatever he feels at the moment, it's not love.
'It's okay.' I force a smile. I don't want to worry him for no reason. He's got bigger problems than my feelings right now
'It's not. It's anything but okay.' He mumbles. 'I see it on your face that it hurts you. These things that I can't remember... Even if you say it's okay, you don't Iook like it is.'
Maybe he does know me better than he thinks.
'Jimin, none of this is your fault.' I kept my voice soft as I took a step closer to him. 'You didn't choose this, and no one blames you for any of this. Especially not me.'
Again, silence. He was looking down, avoiding looking at me.
'Maybe you can't remember. Maybe you won't get it back either. But maybe.... just maybe... you can learn to love me again.'
'And if I can't?'
'Then I'll accept the pain that comes with it. But I still won't blame you. You can't control how you feel any more than I can.'
'It would have been better if they just killed me.' He was looking down again, his voice almost cracking
In a way, he's right. They took his life away from him. They took him away from me. Even though the man in front of me is the one I fell in love with, he's also not. But at least he's here.
'Please, don't say that.' I threw myself at him, trying to hide the tears in my eyes as I hugged him. 'If you die, I might as well die, too.'
'I'm not worth all this effort.'
We were both shocked at the slap that landed on his left cheek. But maybe it will set some of those loose screws back together.
'Don't ever say that again.' I am trying to sound threatening, but all I'm doing is chocking on my tears
What is wrong with me? I can't take my feelings out on him.
'I thought it was safe in here.' He tried to joke, but he was rubbing his cheek lightly
'I'm sorry.' I went back to him, hugging him around the waist. 'I'm so sorry. I just don't wanna lose you. I'd rather have you alive and not knowing me than dead.'
'This pain seems familiar. I assume I received a few of these before.' He hugged me back, joking again
'Twice. Both times when you told me to leave you.' I admit. 'Both times in this room.'
'I knew there was something about this room.' He keeps teasing
'Come on. You need to get some sleep.' I sniffle, pulling away from him
'Almost did just now.' He teases again
'Idiot.' I wipe my tears as I walk away. I heard him snicker a little as he followed after me, closing the door behind him.
We got to his room, and he went over to the bed, picking up a bra from it, raising his eyebrow at me.
'Sorry. I slept here.' I took it from him quickly, putting it away. 'Do you wanna change or..?'
'I usually sleep-'
'Only in your underwear. I know.' I nod, cutting him off. 'I won't touch you, so you don't need to worry about that. I'll sit there if you want me to stay away.' I point to the chair a few feet away from the bed
'Can you... could you stay with me? On the bed?' He is so sheepish, and it's kind of adorable
'Of course.' I smile a little
'Can I have one of my shirts? I think I'll sleep in that.'
'I don't know why you're asking. It's your closet.' I chuckle
'Right.' He sighs
He walked over to his closet and opened it, looking into the darkness of his clothes. Black, black, and more black. 'I really need to learn what a colour is.'
'You had to lose your memory to get that.' I sigh. The number of times I told him this...
'I'll change and be back.'
It's weird seeing him go change in the bathroom, but I get it.
I sat down by the pillows on the bed, hugging my own knees as I waited for him to come out. It took him a minute or so, but he came out without his trousers. Only a shirt and his boxers.
Ignoring the muscly thighs and a bulge that he was never really able to hide, my eyes jumped a bit lower, right above his knee.
'Does it hurt?' I ask, looking at the wound on his leg that is practically healed right now. Almost.
'No. I forgot I had it.' He looked like he really did forget about it
He came over to the bed, getting on top of it.
'Why are you sitting? You're supposed to sleep.' I chuckle
'You're sitting up, too.' He argues
'I'm supposed to be looking over you. You're the one who needs the rest.'
'Please, just... lay down with me.'
I nodded and stretched out my legs, pulling myself lower down. He did the same, finally laying down properly.
'Can I hold your hand?' His voice was so quiet. He is exhausted and is already falling asleep after only seconds.
Without a word, I placed my hand in his, feeling him tighten the hold a tiny bit.
There is not much light even though it's morning. The thick dark curtains that were pulled on haven't been moved since last night. The only light is the side lamp that I left on this morning, but it's more than enough to see him.
Not even a minute passed when I heard that familiar sound of deep, steady breathing.
Watching him like this, it almost feels like he never left. His angelic sleeping face is burnt in my memory. Sleeping next to me, holding me... it all seems like it happened yesterday, but it also feels like it was another lifetime.
I couldn't sleep. Besides not being sleepy at all, I didn't wanna miss a second of this. Watching him. He looked so peaceful, at least for a while.
He would twitch a little bit and would grab my hand tighter. And soon enough, I saw what he was so afraid of.
I watched as he got more and more restless. Sweat coated the skin on his face, glueing the hair to his forehead. His breathing became a lot more incosistent; he would breathe deeply and steadily, then would become erratic all of a sudden. And the more time passed, the more his shirt got drenched in sweat. It was sticking to his shoulders and chest as he started moving about.
That peaceful face of his was anything but peaceful right now. He looked like he was in pain, grunting and mumbling in his sleep. Even if he was moving, he wasn't letting go of my hand, holding onto it like his life depended on it.
'I'm sorry... I'm sorry...'
He was almost crying, huffing in suffering. I don't know if I should wake him up or not.
'Rain-' He cut himself off with a grunt, but he clearly said my name
'Rain, please wake up. I love you.'
He was definitely crying now. The tears came through the sweaty face. But this was just a shock and a half. I should be happy to hear this. But I am just about to cry instead. He is in so much pain. I can't watch this.
'Jimin.' I squeezed his hand, calling his name. 'Jimin, wake up.' I used my other hand to hold his face gently. I don't want to give him a heart attack.'
I called his name and shook him 10 times, but it's in vain. He is not waking up. What the hell do I do?
All of a sudden, he just jumped up, sitting up straight. Struggling to catch his breath, he was holding onto his head.
'Jimin?' I call his name, and he probably forgot I was here. Or where he is. Or both. He looked at me still in that messed up state
'Rain?' He looked ready to cry again, pulling me almost on himself with how tightly he hugged me. He was drenched in sweat. If I didn't know, I'd say somene threw a bucket of water over him.
'You're okay. You're okay.' He kept repeating kind of to himself, his face hidden in my neck as he spoke in a cracked voice
'I'm okay. I'm okay.' I confirm, hugging him back, stroking his damp hair
'Are you real?' He is about to cut off my air. Or my circulation.
'I'm real, Jimin. I'm real. I'm here.' I placed a kiss on his head and felt him relax a little, his breathing becoming better
'You're okay, baby. I'm right here. Just breathe. It's only a dream.' I kept whispering
'I saw that same dream again. The one where I torture you.' He broke down and started crying on my shoulder, his fingers almost digging into my skin through the shirt.
'I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.'
'Shhhh, it's okay. I'm okay.' I have to stay strong for him and not cry, but this is killing me
'Will you ever be able to forgive me?'
'Jimin.' I call his name softly, pulling his face up to look at him. He barely looked at me. His eyes were red, almost swollen. 'I think you need to forgive yourself.'
'How?' He weeps
'You just need to let it go, my love. You don't have to feel guilty. I'm more than okay. I'm here, aren't I?'
His bottom lip was trembling as he tried to hold himself back from crying. This guilt is eating him up even after all this time. Even if he can't properly remember it.
'You are here. You are alive.' I think he is trying to convince himself. His eyes darting all over my face like he's making sure that he can truly see me. 'You love me.'
'I do love you.' I smile, brushing back a bit of his hair that was stuck to his face
'And.. I- I love you?'
'You do.'
These dreams are actually killing him. This is insane.