You trail after Draco and your aunt as they make their way over to the train. You have no desire to speak, especially to your aunt. Not after she stood by and said nothing.
"I suppose I can't stay at school during the winter break?", you ask as Aunt Cissy makes sure that not a hair on Draco's head is out of place.
You turn your head away as your aunt tries to hug you. A look of hurt flashes on her face before she smiles sadly. "I'm afraid not, honey."
With nothing else left to say, you board the train. As you make your way towards where you usually sit with Draco's friends, you stop. Before you can discreetly turn around and spend the rest of the trip alone your eyes meet those of Theodore.
He straitens up in his seat, even raises to his feet. His eyes are almost hopeful and his lips parted. Practically begging you to come to sit next to him. Begging you to talk to him.
You haven't answered a single letter Theodore had sent you after that dreadful day. Because you realised that now you bear that mark, you aren't safe for him. Voldemort must know that Theodore means something to you. Merlin knows he can dangle Theodore's life before you if you don't do what he says.
And that can't happen.
So, you've decided to cut all contact with Theodore. And as torture, you've kept all letters. Even the single letter he sent to Draco, asking him to talk to you. To make you talk to him. You've made Draco lie and say that you've received no letters.
Those letters have kept you sane in a house filled with Death Eaters. And you've brought them with you. You feel them in the inside pocket of your jacket. And they weigh you down.
Averting your eyes, you turn around and hurry towards the other end of the train. You don't hear your name being called or feel him follow you. Good. Great even.
You pass a closed compartment, but its door slides quickly open and your name is being called. Hermione stands in the opening, a genuine smile on her face as she invites you in.
She makes Ron sit next to Harry so you can sit next to the window. That way there is no easy escape for you.
"How was your summer?" You're quick to ask the question, so you don't have to answer it yourself.
The trio give each other looks. "Eventful", says Harry eventually. You raise your eyebrows and Harry tells you about how he was attacked by Dementors, how he was expelled for using the pratonus charm, and the hearing at the Ministry.
You shake your head. "In the name of Slytherin's monster. Is your cousin okay?"
Harry shrugs. "Dunno. I left for Grimmault Place quickly thereafter."
Leaning back in your seat, you notice how hot it is on the train. Sliding off your jacket, the letters slip out of the inside pocket and spill all over the floor.
"Shit", you mutter and crouch down to grab them.
Hermione goes to help you but gasps as soon as she sees the bandage on your left arm. You quickly pull down your sleeve — which has ridden up with picking up the letters.
"What happened to you?!" She wants to reach out, but you pull your arm towards your chest.
You can't say what truly happened. That would mean your death. You're sure Harry would strangle you with his bare hands. "I tried to bake last week but I burned my arm on the doors of the oven. It's pretty nasty."
Ron raises his eyebrows sceptically. "Why didn't you get a healer to fix it?"
Shit. Right. "I'm not actually allowed into the kitchen at home..." Good safe.
The truth behind your bandaged arm is that you don't know how else you could hide the Dark Mark.
The redhead seems to be satisfied with your answer and drops the hostile position.
You give Hermione a smile, but she looks concerned. "Are you sure you're okay? You look... tired." She gives your shoulder a reassuring squeeze that says that you can tell her anything.
But you can't. At least not this.
"Yeah, no. I'm fine. Just tired. And happy to go back to school."
The subject of you gets dropped after that. The trio understand — with all that they went through — when someone doesn't want to talk about it. And you're glad they do.
You walk with them towards the carriages that take you to Hogwarts when you encounter your cousin and friends. He tries to intimidate Harry, but the boy quickly advances towards the boy. If Ron didn't hold him back, you were sure Harry would have punched Draco.
Theodore slows in his steps and looks at you. You meet his eyes and quickly look away. A guilty feeling gnaws at your heart at the hurt look on his face.
"What's with you and Theodore Nott?", asks Hermione as she catches the silent exchange. "You two seemed so... happy before summer."
You look sadly at the back of the boy's brown curls. How can you explain that Voldemort has taken residence in your home and that, in your mind, the only thing you can do to protect Theodore from the Dark Lord is pushing him away?
You contemplate your words as you wait for a carriage, Neville catching up to you four. As you want to answer you hear Harry question what is pulling the carriages. You turn around and gasp out.
What once was pulled by magic, now stands a black, leathery creature with white eyes and looks so meagre, it's almost emaciated.
"It's beautiful", you whisper, stepping closer to the black... horse? You reach out a hand and touch the beak of the creature.
You've heard about the creatures before. Only people who stared death in the eyes can see them. The petrified look of the dead muggle flashes through your mind and you clamp your eyes shut, willing the tears not to spill.
"Don't worry, you're just as sane as I am", says a dreamy voice from into the carriage and all five of you look up. Luna Lovegood. Pale hair and even paler skin. A Ravenclaw girl a year below you. And that's all you know about her.
The ride to the castle is spent in silence with Luna trying to start a conversation but is met with awkward silence. It doesn't seem like she minds.
You dread the moment you have to go to the Slytherin table for the feast. Sitting as far away from your cousin, you watch how some toad-faced lady from the Ministry is introduced as the new DADA professor. She interrupts Dumbledore's speech, and a soft gasp makes its way through the Great Hall. Umbridge's speech makes one thing clear, and that is that it is another year with a worthless teacher.
Just when you need a decent one the most.
"You've been ignoring me." A bag drops on the table you occupy in the library. It's the farthest one away from everybody, on the top floor in between bookshelves nobody uses. And it annoys you that someone has found you.
Term has been going on for a handful of weeks. The new DADA teacher, Dolores Umbridge, is a worthless teacher and only gives theory lessons. She says that there is no need for you to practice the spells. Sucks to be a practical learner I guess.
So, you've taken the need to study more as an opportunity to avoid Draco and his friends.
"I'm not ignoring you, Draco. I'm just busy studying for the O.W.L.s. Like you should do." You glare at him before turning back to read the same page over since he dropped into your space.
Draco's posture seems to slump a bit before he leans closer. "You should talk to Nott. He's been going practically crazy ever since you've been giving him the cold shoulder."
Slamming your book shut loudly, you turn angry towards your cousin. "Drop. It", you hiss between teeth. "You know why and you know it's for his own safety."
Draco rolls his eyes. "Please. I would feel honoured to bear it."
Sudden anger boils in the pit of your stomach. You don't know what possesses you, but you angrily take Draco by the front of his blouse and pull him closer to you. "You don't know how it feels. I feel it. I feel it slither under my skin, pulsate and burn. I feel him. His lingering presence, breathing down my neck.
"So don't tell me what to feel. The only thing I feel is anger and the want to cut my fucking arm off."
You release him and collect your books. The wide-eyed scared look brings satisfaction to you as you stomp out of the library.