What We Do In the Shadows: "The Fiendish Plot of (human) Laszlo and Nadja Cravensworth"...
Summary: Back in the regular but sort of AU universe of WWDITS, you thought the season was about Guillermo. It wasn't. (Well, in this AU anyhow.)
Part I...
Laszlo, oddly in nightgown and nightcap, on sofa with Nadja, occupied currently by the human soul of Nadja.
"Well, alls well that ends well." Laszlo notes. "Colin Robinson's demonic essence or soul...Maybe that dratted thing is his soul for all we know and he has no demon...Is returned to his own decrepit, energy-draining, and quite boring host and Nadja is free again."
Nadja, waving... "The bitterness about Colin Robinson is a tinge of jealousy Laszlo my darling is faking for my benefit. He actually enjoyed the sex with the two of us."
"Yes, well..." Laszlo, frowning. "Of course her demonic essence is still stuck in the doll's form, pity about that." he notes.
"Yeah...How could such a terrible thing happen?" Nadja, chortling. "Ah, well. Life is full of such shit. You're a virgin gypsy, ya get bit by a crumbum of a vampire...Your soul gets booted into the void and your demonic essence runs the show for three hundred years." Arch look. "Though she did introduce me to the love of our existence." Fond hug to Laszlo.
"Now, now pet. Lets not be cruel." Laszlo pats her. "Oh, and Nadja is gradually returning to her human form...Note that her fangs...Show the crew your fangs, my darling...."
Nadja, exposing retracting fangs now barely protruding...
"She can tolerate human food again and we estimate within the week she will be fully human again." Laszlo notes.
"Daylight, food, etc...Great. Aging, not so good." Nadja sighs. "But, on the whole...Short life and a merry one, baby, yea!" raises arms.
"Of course no one else, not even poor demon Nadja knows anything about this gradual transformation, nor of the fact that human Nadja intends to stay right here." Laszlo notes, patting a beaming Nadja. "And we'd take it as a kindness if you good folks would, in the spirit of your objectivity, avoid spilling the beans."
"Of course you might be wondering...'Why Laszlo? You fiendish baby transforming when bored vampire you. How could you be so unfaithful to your demonic mate as to let her be the victim of such shenanigans? Why it almost seems as if you schemed with human Nadja to lure your poor demonic homicidal maniac of a wife to leave her body and take up residence in a doll? And you would be right...Except..." smile, nod...Glow.
"I am not the Laszlo you usually interview, but in fact the ghost of poor murdered Laszlo Cravensworth, social activist and third son of the Cravensworth line. " arch look. "And back to claim what is rightfully mine, body...And bride."
"Ghost of human Laszlo Cravensworth" now appears below shot of Laszlo on couch...
"Hee-hee!" Nadja clapping hands.
"Yes, our souls once joined a while back have conspired to regain our lives...Together..." Laszlo notes. "For in fact we are and always have been soulmates."
"Soulmates who now can fuck!!" Nadja, delightedly. "Well, almost...Sort of."
"Yes...Sort of. Until I regain my body and kick that f-ing pompous demon of mine back to Hell. Oh, I don't mean Las demon is really such a bad fellow, apart from his nature of murder and killing. He's a fine chap in many ways..." Laszlo nods. "How could he not be, being my darker side." Smile. "But, he's had his time...And made time with the body of my poor wife...And now, it's our time. Even if, as humans, it may be short. We're entitled to it."
"Entitled." Nadja nods. "Oh, and tell them the best part, Laszlo, darling."
"Well..." Laszlo begins...
The Doll, occupied by demon Nadja enters... "What, you going to bed early, Laszlo? Can't you keep out of my body's pants for one night? I feel used. And you're giving interviews with human-soul girl?"
"Uh, sorry my darling." Ghost Laszlo hastily. "The folks just needed some stuff on your soul/essence exchange. Filler for this segment...It's been a boring year so far."
(Cut to Guillermo's trials as a stuck human/vampire)
"I suppose." The Doll notes. "But lets watch the f-ing, eh? Besides she's a human soul...It's a bit creepy to have a vampire do it with a human souled...Wait." Eyes narrow. "Damnit, I smell developing human. You!" Eyes Nadja who blanches a bit. "Show me your teeth! Now!!"
"Nadja, dearest." Laszlo sighs.
"What do you want with my teeth, you freak?" Nadja frowns..
"Ah, ha!!" the Doll, triumphant. "I knew it! You are turning human! Human! Laszlo! We must stop this at once! I must get back in and then of course you must get back in me. Come, we'll go tell the others and....Mmmuphff." As Nadja, human-souled, grabs her and covers her mouth.
"Careful, she's starting to grow fangs!" Laszlo notes. "You've no idea how I wish I were corporeal enough to assist here, my dearest."
"I've got the little vamp bitch!" Nadja, triumphantly holding the Doll, covering mouth with a couch arm cover after it tried to bite her, but lacking full fangs failed to break skin.
"To the furnace with you!" she raised the Doll, squirming in her grasp.
"Dear, not only a bit cruel for a human, but we've no way to know how it would affect you." Laszlo, urgently.
"Me? Oh. Well." Nadja reluctantly sits back on couch, tightly restraining doll. "Well, what do we do?"
The Doll, struggling, looks to Laszlo, who sighs.
"My dear, please know I'm not betraying you. I'm the ghost of your husband, but very much in love with my soulmate here..."
"That's me, bitch!!" Nadja beams, waving arms. As the Doll, restrained by her, stares in horror.
"And I will...We will...Always be grateful to you for causing us to find each other. However...I think you can see we can't allow demonic essences to possess our bodies any longer, now that fate...Fate with capital F...Has given us a chance to return. To live the lives we should have had."
"Ok, we've expressed our gratitude...Now, what to do with the thing?" Nadja noted. The Doll struggling in her grip. "When do we send them both to Hell? F-ing murderous bitches."
"Dear, lets not be cruel. They can't help what they are." Laszlo notes. "In fact, given what they are, I'd say they'd done their best to be reasonably good citizens...My essence has been a good friend to our neighbor, Sean. Sheany! Yes, we do hover and receive impressions from the essences using our bodies, to explain how we know what's been up with them." He notes.
"Fine...Hopefully they'll have a ball in Hell forever." Nadja frowns. "But until we can send them we have to do something with Dolly here."
"Yes...Well, it may be a bit callous but I think the best thing to do is put her...In the Box."
The Doll looks in horror. The Box!
What the hell is...The Box?
"The Box? What the hell is that?" Nadja asks.
"I mean the Box the Doll came in." Laszlo notes. "She's an antique. It's a sturdy wooden thing that can be sealed. We tie her up, gag her, place her in...The Box. And put...The Box...In another box in the attic. Problem solved, temporarily. Then, my darling you must use all your acting skills and perhaps a pair of fake vampire fangs to deceive the others into believing your soul re-entered the Doll, you returned to your body and all is, from their point-of-fiendishly demonic-view, hunky-dory."
"Hmmn...Deceive the others, including our semi-human familiar/bodyguard?"
"Especially him. As I said, we're in touch with events, via our connection to our essences. But, unless they wish to know what's up with us..." Laszlo notes.
"And the selfish vampiral bastards don't..." Nadja notes.
"...They don't. It does require a bit of effort, plus we are the original body owners which gives us home court advantage." Laszlo beams.
"Nandor's soul? I've no idea. I think he's quite happy with his horse." He shrugs.
"Oh, and as to that 'best part'..." Laszlo begins.
"Laszlo! Laszlo is coming... I sense him. Begone for the moment, my darling! Before it's too late!" Nadja urges. "And know if I fuck him again, it's cause, God, your body is just so fine."
"Right. Sorry, fellows." Laszlo vanishes.