The whole process of telling my family about the conversation I had with Annabelle was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. And for a girl that's had a life like I've had, that says a lot. From my earliest memories, the one thing I can always remember is how protective my brothers have always been, and that hasn't changed as I got older. Instead they became more protective with the older I got. Telling them about our sister, my twin sister Emery, was the most soul crushing thing I've ever done. Seeing the men that have been almost indestructible to me, crumble into a broken mess was gut wrenching. Having to go through the death of their little sister, to discovering that she was very much alive, to then learning that their sister did in fact die but not the one they thought. The one they had never known about. The one they never knew existed.
Their faces were paper white with a tinge of green. They looked as though they were going to throw up yesterday's dinner. The lifeless look in their eyes mixed with a look of overwhelming guilt was haunting. Of course they had nothing to feel guilty over, it was no fault of their own that they didn't know about Emery and they can't possibly blame themselves for her death. But that doesn't change anything. On the surface the circumstances are ugly and horrible. Something no family should ever go through. However when you start thinking deeper into things, it hits so hard that you feel as though someone is driving a stake through your heart over and over again.
My sister lived twenty years of her life alone. She had no older brothers to protect her, she had no sister to go to when she needed a friend. My sister had no one except her mother who left her when she was sixteen. My sister was living a life relying on strangers when she could've had her entire family with her. Who did she go to when she was upset? Who took care of her when she was sick? How would she celebrate the holidays? Were they lonely? Did she get every toy she wanted? Did she get bullied in school? Did she have friends to look out for her? Who did she share her happinesses with? When she'd want a hug in the middle of the night did she have anyone to go to? When she'd want snacks or someone to stay up with her who would she go to? What was her favourite Disney movie? What were our similarities and differences? How did she feel when she found out she had a whole family thousands of miles away? Did she know who we were and what we looked like? Did she hate us? Did she hate me?
All these unanswered questions just circling my mind a millions miles a second making me dizzy.
The first thing I did the second I managed to get a hold of myself was order a new headstone for Emery's grave. The least I could do was make sure that everyone knew about her. My sister wasn't going to just be removed off the face of the earth. The second thing I did the second I managed to get a hold of myself was send a message in the family group chat calling a family meeting at dads. Seeing our entire family gather together for a meeting I had called only duh the knife deeper than it was. Emery never got to call a family meeting. She never got to meet her nieces and nephews. She never got to see our family get together like we do.
I barely managed to get the first word out and I was a sobbing mess. The sight of me alone was enough to raise a panic and that only made me cry more. Did my sister have lots of people to worry for her? Despite all the hardships my family and I went through I still had them, I was never completely lonely. But what about her? My brothers were going crazy asking me a million and one questions. My sisters were trying to get me to stop crying. And Mason was stood in the corner on the phone with the guard from the institution trying to find out what had happened and what Annabelle and I had spoken about.
A part of me wishes I could've kept the entire thing to myself. And if it wasn't wrong of me to do so I would've. My family needed to know about Emery, she wasn't about to be a forgotten memory of someone we never knew because she was more than that. She was the girl who got killed because of me. My twin sister died because of me.
When the words came out of my mouth it was like time had frozen in place. Not a single person said a word. Not a single person moved. Not a single person breathed. We were all frozen in place. A minute passed. Then two. Then five. Then ten. And by the twentieth minute, it was like someone pressed play and everyone went crazy. Question after question after question. I could see the cogs turning in their brains as they yelled their questions at me searching for some sort of answer but it was like I was mute. I would try to open my mouth to say something and not a single sound would come out.
It wasn't till dad wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest that I became a jumbled mess. I told them the entire story that Annabelle had told me but the only difference was that not a single word I said made any sense. I was a mixture of sobs and muffled words all jumbled into one that I barely said an actual word.
All it took was an entire bottle of water and an hour for me to tell them the entire story properly so that they could understand what I was saying. It was their turn to become a jumbled incoherent mess. My four brothers were all talking over one another asking a hundred questions a minute at a time trying to wrap their heads around the situation. It wasn't happening. They couldn't understand why they had never known that they had a little sister, or that Annabelle was pregnant with twins. They were convinced that I read another silly book and had a weird dream and needed to sleep it off. However when they saw that that was so far from the truth, they crumbled.
Elijah was the first to leave, he refused to let a single tear fall and stormed out of the house with his phone pressed against his ear. Aiden was next, he made a beeline right for the backyard and slammed the door so hard behind him that I was afraid the glass would shatter. Austin, being the more emotionally present brother, was a crying mess as Mason tried to console him. They have a cute bromance going that I learned developed while I was gone, but I'm glad he has that with Mason. Dad held onto me the tightest he possibly could. I didn't miss the way he scanned my entire face as though he was imagining how Emery would've been through me. There have been a lot of moments that have hit dad, but this had shaken him up so much that he refused to let go of me.
"I wish I knew her." I croaked out, my voice barely audible from all the crying.
"I wish we did too." Dad whispered, I could visibly see his body shaking with his hard he was trying to hold it together.
"Why don't we go visit her? At least that way you can feel as though you're talking to her?" Mason suggested, handing Austin a box of tissues which he gladly took.
Nodding in agreement, I looked over at Mason and silently asked for him to get Aiden. I would much rather go myself, and I feel like that's the better choice, but I can't just let go of dad. Not when he's holding onto me as though I'll vanish into thin air the second he lets go.
Mason patted Austin's back before walking right out into the backyard. I turned around to watch and instantly saw Aiden yelling at Mason while Mason stood unfazed. He stood there and listened to Aiden yell at him and push him away in anger. It was till Mason pushed him back that Aiden buried his face in his hands and fell to the floor. I watched as his body shook and I instantly felt my face go numb. The one thing I can never watch for the life of me is seeing the men in my life cry. It wrecks my heart in ways I can't possibly describe.
Just as I was about to let go of dad and go out to Aiden, I watched as Mason pulled Aiden up off the floor and hug him before bringing him back inside. I quickly looked away and glued my eyes to the floor knowing not a single cell in my body could convince me to look up at any of them.
"Ready?" Mason asked and I nodded and walked towards the front door with dad.
Mason got into the drivers side before Aiden had the chance to. Aiden looked as though he was going to argue but decided against it and got into the passenger seat. I squeezed myself in the middle with dad and Austin sitting on either side of me. Not once in my entire life did I ever anticipate this situation. But then again who could ever anticipate such things?
The drive to the cemetery was excruciatingly slow. Every red light we stopped at delayed us by a couple more minutes and it only made the pit in my stomach grow larger. By the time we got there I could feel my heart beating in my ears. The five of us were stood in front of the large iron gate, waiting for someone to make a move and take the first step in. It wasn't till we heard the sound of a car approaching that we snapped out of whatever daze we were in and turned around to see Elijah hop out of a Range Rover. Ashton, his best friend, got out of the car and followed Elijah towards us. Looking at his face I could tell he knew what had happened, but he didn't mention anything. Instead, he gave us a small reassuring smile before turning around and getting back into his car. I waited for him to drive off, but instead he just sat there and patiently waited.
Taking in a deep breath, I took one for the team and pushed open the large iron gate before stepping onto the stone pathway. Mason was by my side in an instant leading me towards the grave while my brothers followed behind. I could hear their dragging footsteps as we grew closer and closer and before I could even blink I already knew which one it was. The lantern surrounded by white lilies and roses was a big give away.
"We need to replace that." Aiden whispered.
"Already done." I said, sitting down in front of the headstone.
This is my first time visiting and it feels so...strange. Seeing my name carved into the stone with my babies birthday as my death date. A bone chilling feeling runs down my spine as I shake it off and hug my jacket tighter around myself. Mason sat down besides me and put an arm around my shoulder while my brothers all sat down around us.
The first couple minutes soon turned into half an hour which then turned into two hours. We all just sat there. We all sat there in complete silence, the only sound coming from the whistling wind blowing the leaves around. I think we were all having our own private one sided conversation with Emery and it was very much needed. All these years every has been coming here talking to 'Everly' but really it's been our sister this whole time. She'd laugh at us if she were here, I just know it.
The grey cloudy sky turned pitch black giving us a sign that it was time to leave. The six of us stood up and looked up at the sky before turning around to leave. As we were leaving the wind blew harder than before and it could be my delusional mind speaking, but to me that's a goodbye from Emery.
As expected Ashton was waiting in the exact same spot we had left him, showing no signs of annoyance or impatience. Watching us approach his car, he got out and walked towards us.
"All good little C?" He asked me, ruffling my hair as I forced a smile and nodded. Turning over to the guys the five of them walked over to the side and started talking.
"Do you want to stay over at Ben's tonight?" Mason asked and I instantly shook my head. The last thing I want is for the kids to feel as though something is off and a last minute sleepover will do that. They're smart kids, it's almost impossible getting anything past them.
"Let's just go home, I need to sleep this off." I whispered. Nodding, he lead me towards the car and opened the passenger side door for me. Once I was in he leaned into the car and buckled my seatbelt before closing the door.
I watched as he approached the guys and exchanged a few words with them before coming back to the car. I'm assuming Ashton offered to drop them all off home because the second Mason got into the car we were driving off. The last two weeks have been a rollercoaster of negative emotions. Yes, I did keep this fun fact to myself for two weeks and because there was no way I was going to pop out of nowhere and drop this nuke on my family. In these two weeks I just about managed to wrap my own head around everything that had happened and for the first time in years I felt like all the pieces of the puzzle have been put together.
"Ashton was saying he found Emery and Annabelle's house in Canada. He asked his sister to pack everything up and ship it over." Mason said after a couple moments of silence.
I felt my lip wobble and my eyes burn, and for the millionth time today I burst into tears. I pulled my feet up and buried my face in my hands, sobs racked through my body as I cried and cried. Maybe it's just me feeling a little extra emotional, but this hit a lot harder than I had expected. It could be the fact that everything is becoming more real for me, Emery isn't just a person that has been mentioned to me but she was a real person that existed. She had her own life just like we have ours but she doesn't anymore. The last two weeks I've been somewhat coping because I'm a weird way I was convinced that Emery is just a figment of my imagination. However the more it's mentioned, and more that we all know about her, the more real it's becoming and I can't run from it. It's catching up to me and I'm getting tired of running.
The sound of my seatbelt being unbuckled was muted over my cries and it wasn't till I felt myself being moved from my seat and onto Mason that I looked up to see him right in front of me. He was holding my face in his hands, his eyes looking tortured as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest. Here we are parked in the middle of nowhere while I bawl my eyes out. As if I haven't cried enough.
"I know you wish it wasn't real but it is. Give yourself time to grieve the sister you lost and never had the chance of knowing and move on. Your sister wouldn't want you to spend your life regretting and living in guilt that you didn't know her. Live for her, live your life for the both of you." He said, gently running his hand through my hair while rubbing my back.
"Every time I think we're getting a break from all the heartache and something pops up. When will it be our turn to just look ahead into our future? All we seem to be doing is turning back and seeing the absolute mess of a life we've had. As if we're not meant to move on from any of it." I whispered, growing frustrated by the second. It's so exhausting dealing with the yesterdays when all I want to do is focus on the tomorrows.
"The past is what makes us and it's what has gotten us to where we are. Yesterday makes tomorrow and without that we have nothing. What we make of it is our choice." He said, pulling away from the tight hug he had me in and held my face in his hands. "Our tomorrow has so much waiting for us, so much that we haven't even thought of and it's up to us to take it." He smiled.
Seeing the hope in his eyes gave me hope. He truly believes that we won't be stuck in this exhausting and draining mess for the rest of our lives and I believe him. We need to stop focusing so much on yesterday and start looking forward to tomorrow.
"What happened to us, to Emery, to our family, and to you was the most heartbreaking thing to ever have happened. And with new things coming up it only makes it hurt more, but that hurt will only last so long. Pain isn't permanent so why should we let it take over?" He said softly and a small smile made its way to my face.
"I've known you since we were sixteen, and I never expected you to be so...perfect. Why is it that you always know what to say? You always just know how to keep me afloat when I feel like I'm drowning." I sniffled, wiping my eyes with his shirt as he let out a soft chuckle before handing me a tissue.
"I've made it a habit of saving your life since then, I can't just give it up now can I? My mother raised me better." He winked as I rolled my eyes, trying and failing to fight off the smile he always somehow manages to get from me.
"Saving me from falling off chairs isn't saving my life." I snorted. I can't believe he still remembers that.
"Firstly, that wasn't the only time. And secondly, what if you had fallen and hit your head on the corner of the coffee table? Miss 'I go to med school and consider myself a fully qualified doctor'. I'm sure the nineteen seasons of greys has taught you enough to answer that." He asked with a raised eyebrow. How dare he challenge my medical knowledge.
"I wouldn't have died thank you very much, my instincts wouldn't kicked in and I would've saved my head from hitting the coffee table. And even if it did hit it wouldn't be the end of the world because I didnt fall from high enough." I huffed, his eyes lighting up in amusement. "And next time you want to question my medical knowledge, just know that I know fifty-eight ways to kill someone, and I know how to make half of those look like an accident." I said, trying my best to be intimidating before moving off of his lap and onto my seat.
"You should threaten my life more, it's hot." He winked as I bit back a laugh and rolled my eyes. He's so stupid sometimes. But it's the same stupidity that somehow makes me feel so much lighter.