I hope you enjoy this!
Before we start, this one will get a bit intense. And I'm no therapist, I'm actually professionally a pharmacist 🤣 anything I'll be writing here won't be all psychologically or practically right, so just bear with it.
This is longgggg around 7.7K chapter I hope you don't get bored yeahh and do let me know what you think about the chapter through your lovely comments they mean everything to me! :)
Font- MSD, Virat, Sakshi, Anushka, Virat's Therapist, MSD'S therapist, Virat's old therapist
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Virat's POV:
It's been an hour since Anu went in the guest room to convince bhai!! I really REALLY wanted to eavesdrop , Anu even left the door open, so it would've been an easy way to listen to them talk! But I didn't. I'm mature now, and eavesdropping is for kids, so I didn't do that. Okay that was a lie I didn't eavesdrop because I know how hard it is for bhai to open up so if bhai did talk with Anu, last thing i ever wanna do is make him feel uncomfortable in anyways. Plus, bhabhi was giving me a strict look... okay, I get why bhai is afraid of bhabhi's glares.
After an hour, Anu stepped out of the room, looking all sad. She looked at me and gave me a defeated look. To say it shocked me would be a lie. Anu ran into my guest room, and before I could react, Bhabhi ran behind Anu. Soon after, Mahi bhai stepped out of the room and went straight up in the garden. Lack of expressions on bhai's face made me question both of their reactions, but I decided not to think more on this as I followed bhai. Once I reached the garden I saw bhai standing in one place, I quickly ran up to him and stood behind him.
"Bhai! Kya hua?? Aap naraz ho kya??? Kuch bolo na! What happened??" I enquired. I was about to continue, but then I followed bhai's gaze when I felt him shake.
Bhai was looking at the window of my guest room, where Anushka was standing facing at us, and bhabhi stood behind her just how I stood behind bhai. When I went in front of bhai, I found him hiding his giggles. I looked back at Anushka, who was doing the same. Looking at me, bhabhi also went and looked at Anushka questioningly. That's when both of them burst out laughing.
"I told you, bhai! Didn't I??" Anushka shouted out while still laughing, and bhai replied, "You did! You did."
Oh, so these two pranked us? Okay, two can play the game. I looked at bhabhi, who understood what I was thinking and gave me a 'Let's show them' look.
MSD'S POV:
In the room, before we stepped out, we made a plan. "Let's go out and pretend that your talking didn't work!" I had suggested, to which Anushka excitedly agreed.
"You go in the garden and stand where I can look at you from my guest room, and I'll go in the guest room!!!" Anushka further suggested. I quickly agreed to her plan. Before we executed the plan, she said, "I bet bhabhi will follow me, and Virat will follow you! Wanna test??"
Even though I knew she was right, I agreed, knowing that this was fun! I said "lights camera action," and she stepped out of the room. After counting till 15, I stepped out of the room, too, and as we expected, Sakshi followed Anu, and Virat followed me. So when both of them started fussing over us, we couldn't help but start laughing at how predictable these two are. In our laughs, we didn't see what their reactions were initially.
After a few moments, i calmed myself down and looked at Virat, who rolled his eyes at us and went away. I giggled at his behavior, only to feel that I got hit by a sponge ball !!!
I turned around to see Virat holding 3 more of them!!! My eyes widened, and I ran around the garden but still somehow hot hit by 2 more of those balls! Well, that started our war to hit each other with those sponge balls. I quickly looked in the guest room to see Sakshi and Anu have their own pillow fight. These are the moments when I realize that we really are a family!
After some chasing and hitting each other, me and Virat both got tired finally and sat down on the coffee table chairs in the yard, laughing at our silliness. Both of us sat there in silence, looking at the sunset and enjoying the colors that nature was painting the sky with.
I sat their soaking in the presence of Virat and this moment. My life has always been a rollercoaster, either be it career wise or my personal life. There are few moments like this where I get real peace admis the storm, and I plan to treasure those moments! I contemplated the ways to start conversation with Virat and to finally talk with him. Even if it's just an apology, it's still fine. He deserves to get one. So, I let myself get ready to start the conversation.
Virat's POV:
"Cheeku," bhai call out for me, breaking the silence
"Ji bhaiya?" I answered back.
"Sorry, bache," he apologized softly.
"Huh? Kyun?" I replied, confused with his apology.
" Kuch saal pehle jo hua, kal Jo hua aur bhagwaan na kare par agar kuch aage hoga toh uske liye."
I looked at him, shocked with his words. That statement made me realise that bhai still carried the guilt of something that was not in his control and something that happened more than a decade ago. All because of the conclusion that my so-called therapist came back then.
"Mr. Dhoni, it seems that your reaction and pain have triggered Virat's trauma immensely! And you didn't catch on the hints?"
I remember the rage I felt when he made that statement without knowing the whole situation that bhai was in or I was in. Later, I changed my therapist, who helped me realise the numerous triggers I had for my trauma. I never talked about them with bhai owing to the fact that those triggers were still overwhelming. But I did try and subtly ask bhai if he would accompany me in the new therapist's cabin every time he came to drop me off at her clinic. But I think due to the previous therapist and his conclusions, bhai was reluctant and afraid. I came back to the present and looked at bhai.
"Bhaiya, Pehli baat aap agar kal parso vale reaction ke liye maafi maangne vale ho toh mein baat nahi karunga aapse! You and I both know you can freely express yourself in front of me!! Aapne kuch bola ho toh Meine bhi aapko jawab diya! So no, sorry for that, please!" I explained. Bhai smiled at my explanation and shook his head in disbelief.
"Aur rahi baat kuch saal pehle jo hua uski... bhai- " I turned myself towards him and tried convincing him while holding his hands, "Aap mere therapist se ek baar baat kar lijiye bhaiya! Please! Mein aapko agar sach bolu toh you'll think I'm lying and covering up the truth for you, so please mere iss naye vale therapist I mean ab purane hain but pehle vale therapist se bohot guna better hain! Please ek baar inse baat kar lijiye!"
Bhai had a surprised expression on his face, the one that he gave me every time I read him like an open book. Bhai kept quiet for some time, thinking about the idea I proposed. I prayed to every god that they make bhai ready for my proposal! Because look I would stay here and help him forever I have no problem with that, at the same time for HIM to get better, he needs to Accept my help in the first place! Nothing would be of any use if he stayed in denial and kept pressurising himself. It might even worsen the case, so this is the best way I can think of to make him understand the reality of our past
"Par vo- kya vo maanengi?-" Bhaiya tried questioning.
"Mein bhi baithunga na vaha!!! Mein bata ke dekhta hun na unko, ke aapko sab kuch batade! Let's try, na, and if she agrees, then it's best, right?! Aur see she is MY therapist, her priority is me! So aapko jo bhi questions ho un sabka sahi sahi without any bias answer karengi vo!!! I promise!" I tried explaining it to him, excited with the fact that he just agreed my suggestion!!
The next moment, he reluctantly agreed. I sighed in relief and, after taking his permission, called my therapist to see if she was available tonight for a session. Luckily for me, she had a final half an hour slot empty, and because she's such an amazing person, she got ready to give me an additional half an hour of her schedule. After agreeing to her arrangement and apologizing for the last-minute session, she booked an appointment for me at 8:30 pm that night. I informed bhaiya about the same and also informed bhabhi and Anushka. I hope today at least one thing gets clear for bhai, that he will never do anything that would cause me pain! And mainly, I hope he accepts it!
Same evening:
MSD'S POV:
Even though I agreed to Virat's idea, I was dreading the moment I would have to face his therapist. Now see, it's not like I don't want to take responsibility or I'm hiding or anything! It's just...... this therapist, she's really good. I can tell she works best with Virat. She has helped him through many things at many moments in his life. I know she wants absolute best for her clients. I used to drop Virat at the clinics at times, but I never entered the cabin. I know how highly people talked about her... but i guess I'm just jittery because I have to talk with her finally..
Okay, it is fear. I can't lie to myself. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that she might say, if not the exact same things, but something along the lines as the previous therapist did. Back then, what haunted me the most was not the fact that the old therapist said my trauma triggered Virat's trauma... I know that can happen, I know it is normal to go through emotional and mental issues when you're around someone who's dealing with something serious, be it physical or emotional or mental. It was the fact that he implied that I purposely ignored the hints. I- not even in my worst nightmares, would EVER ignore Cheeku's pain or any hint he gives regarding his pain!!!!
But then again, that therapist was someone who had professionally practiced and trained in understanding people and their traumas. There must be SOME reason he said that. Maybe I did get selfish in my pain and chose to ignore Virat's pain. What if I do the same again? What if Virat goes through the same pain again? If my nightmares are such a big trigger for Virat, what if he-
"Bhaiya," Virat interrupted my chain of thoughts as she lightly shook my shoulders, bringing me back to the world.
I gulped down the unknown lump that was forming in my throat and replied, "Ha bache bol na."
"Aap thik ho?" He enquired, concerned with my reaction.
"Ha! Bilkul thik hun! Don't worry!" I smiled, reassuring Cheeku.
"Pakka, right? Do you want to postpone-" He suggested.
"Nai Nai!" I quickly interrupted him. It was now or never. I knew my mind. Today, I've gathered this courage, I don't know when I'll be able to gather it again. This clearly looks very important for Cheeku. So I can't and I won't delay this any further.
"You sure?" He reconfirmed my answer.
"Yup 100%" I smiled.
Cheeku smiled at my answer, "Okay then, its-" he checked his watch, "8:20 now, come on, let's go in my guest room, I'll set my iPad and join my link so we can start in 10 minutes." I nodded and followed him back in the room.
Sitting there felt dreadful, almost as scary as my own first session with my therapist. However, I focused my whole attention on watching Virat set his iPad and humming some tune to himself. Soon enough, Virat's therapist joined through the link.
"Helloo Virat! Good evening! Thankfully, long time no see, huh?" Dr. Priya greeted Virat.
"Good evening Priya! And Yupp!! I do follow your tips, and they always work, so that's the reason for long time silence, " he replied triumphantly. I smiled at him proudly. This one conversation just made me insanely happy!!! It proves the fact that my bacha is healthy enough in his life!
"And hello, good evening, Mr. Dhoni! Nice to meet you, sir! If you don't mind, would you let me know what title or name you would prefer to be called by throughout this session?" She addressed me.
"Good evening, doctor! Nice to meet you too! And please don't call me sir, you can address me as MS." I replied
"Sure!" Dr. Priya smiled and replied.
"So Virat, tell me what brings you and MS here today." She asked Virat.
"Doctor, vo- do you remember the first time I came to you and the first few sessions? Do you have any records of those sessions?" Virat enquired, coming straight to the point.
"Your first few visits? Oh yes, I have those in my records. Why?" She replied.
"Vo actually, I wanted you to tell my Mahi bhai here, the factors that you told me which triggered my nightmares," Virat demanded politely.
Dr. Priya furrowed her eyebrows and replied, "Virat, I'm afraid I can't do that unless I have some strong reasons. You're my patient, and we have signed a confidentiality agreement. Even though it's you who's asking me to share your information, I would need some solid material to do so. Otherwise, it might go against the rules."
Virat got concerned at her reply. He hastily tried to convince her, "But why?? There has to be some way, right? Please Priya it is very important!"
"Because, at this stage, that data is your medical history, and sharing medical history is against the rules. Also, why is it important? Do you mind sharing that with me?" She enquired patiently.
Virat looks at me questioningly. I understood he was asking for my permission. I nodded in agreement to him, but before he could speak, Dr. Priya interrupted.
"If it is something related to MS, I would encourage MS to talk about it. You know how we work here, Virat."
Virat looks at me, giving me a sheepish look. I shake my head, smiling at him.
"Actually, doctor, when Virat came to visit you for the first time, he had nightmares, and a few months prior to him, I had nightmares which included him. My nightmares were daily, and Virat helped me thoroughly. Back then, i refused to visit any therapist. However, when he started getting nightmares too, we visited one therapist, with whom he visited once or twice before he started therapy with you. Recently, I've been getting similar nightmares for the past 3 months, but this time, I'm in touch with my therapist, and Virat here wants to stay with me and help me. I'm afraid to let him stay with me given the fact that I know everything that happened last time. So he wanted me to talk with you to understand the reasons of exactly why those reactions happened last time. As I suppose you helped him realise the real reasons. " I explained our situation to Dr. Priya.
"Hmm, okay, I see." Dr. Priya thought for a few moments before continuing, "Okay, I understand your point of view. Give me a few minutes, and I'll connect back to you. Also, MS, you live in Ranchi, right? Is there any chance you're working with Dr. Vishal Rajput?"
"Yes! I am! Do you know him??" I enquired, confused with this cordial.
Dr. Priya smiled as she replied, "Yes, I do! He's my mentor. I just took a wild guess knowing he lives in Ranchi. I'll be back in 5-10 minutes, don't worry. I'll extend the session for those many minutes as I resume. " She concluded professionally before switching off the camera and her mic. The doctor took 10 minutes at the most as she tried to find a solution for this. While she was gone, none of us spoke a word.
"Alright, so I discussed with my colleague, and we do have a solution for this. I apologize for denying you previously. Virat, I'm sending you a link to your email. Please fill out that Google form and sign it electronically so that we can proceed further. Until then, I'm keeping your data ready. That works with you?" Dr. Priya explained.
"Yes, yes, definitely works with me!! I'll be back!" Saying, so Virat dashed out of the room. His quick action amused me and Dr. Priya.
"That guy REALLY REALLY cares for you," Dr. Priya stated happily while going through her iPad. She continued, " I don't usually talk to my patient's relatives or loved ones like this, but i bet even you know how much he loves you and cares about you. I've heard a lot about you and of course good things."
I smiled at her words happily as I replied, "You're right, doctor, I do know that he loves me a lot and cares immensely for me. And so do I, he's VERY important for me, also why this is important for me! I- he's- I- I just-." I replied.
Watching me open up subtly to her, Dr. Priya's whole attention was on me now. She waited for me to continue, so I did, " I don't want him to end up being hurt AGAIN because of me. That's the last thing I would EVER want in my life! I just want him to stay safe and healthy."
Doctor Priya smiled at my confession and nodded, acknowledging it. In the next moment, Virat rushes back in, "Done doctor!!"
She checks something in her iPad again before starting, "Alright, so we can begin now!"
"So, you wanted to know the factors, right? Virat, you're comfortable sitting here, right?" She asked.
"Yes, yes I am," Virat answered honestly, "Go ahead."
"Ok, so from what I understand and what's written in my records, it seems you thought that MS' nightmares were the sole reason to trigger Virat's trauma. Right?"
"Right," I softly answered.
"Well, as per everything that Virat shared with me, and after understanding the situation, I'll like to tell you, MS, that theory of your trauma triggering his is not completely right. What actually triggered his trauma was his trip to his hometown Delhi after your tournaments. That visit to his hometown took him down the memory lane so much so that it reminded him of his past." Dr. Priya explained.
Shocked with the revelation, I looked at Virat, who gave me a small smile. Both Virat and Doctor gave me a few moments to sink in this new information.
"But didn't my nightmares remind you of Vikas' nightmares and those bad nights?" I asked, looking at Virat, who frowned at my question.
"Yeah - but no..., it's just I-" he began but then stopped himself and looked down towards his hands. I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself. Looking at us struggling, Dr. Priya decided to interrupt.
"Do you want me to help?" She asked, when me and Virat both nodded in yes, she asked, "Virat tell me when you were with MS taking care of him during your tournaments did you think of your sibling's nightmares or those bad nights?"
"No- I didn't - actually, when I was with bhai before the break, I hardly thought of anything else than Bhai! I can't lie, saying I didn't feel sad or upset, but it was just because I wanted HIM to feel better... nothing more than that! But then, when my nightmares started and I remembered bhai's conditions, very few times, it reminded me of Vikas bhaiya's condition and those nights." He replied.
Dr. Priya nodded in agreement as she concluded, "So what I understand from you right now and whatever we discussed in the past is this- your PTSD, which is related to your past, your family, gets triggered every time you're in your hometown, Delhi. When you're around your old house and those people who bring back memories of those bad days, you're more prone to see those PTSD reactions then it can be either in form of nightmares or burstouts or anxiety. Staying with MS during his nightmares and his recovery in the past hardly triggered your PTSD. If anything, your reactions started first, and then you probably overthought, and those nightmares got aggravated, yeah?"
"Yeahh!" Virat agreed with his therapist.
"So, MS, as Virat's therapist, I can say it confidently that the chances of your nightmares triggering his nightmares are like 1 in 1000." She stated.
"There's still 1 chance, right? What if he ignores his own health like he did back then?????" I heard Virat sigh and smile as I questioned worriedly.
"Well then you bring him to me and I'll again give him exercises he loves to do" She replied.
"Noooo," Virat whined at her statement. And me? Well, I was confused, so Dr. Priya further explained.
"Look, we're humans. All of us have some or other kind of defense mechanism and coping mechanism. Many times, people get confused between these two mechanisms. Now see, everyone has a different mechanism. Some might have exactly the same coping and defense mechanism. Some might have slightly different mechanisms and others? Well, others have completely opposite defense and coping mechanisms. Defense mechanisms are our actions that we do to avoid feeling some emotions even though we know it's inevitable to go through those emotions. Virat here, his defense mechanism is taking care of other people a type of reaction formation, where a person conceals unacceptable emotions by converting them into something socially acceptable. Virat would rather solve others' problems and listen to them than address his own problems or then let his emptions take control. Coping mechanisms are actions that we take to feel better when we're going through emotions. These are usually the actions that do nothing to help us with our situation but still help us feel better about ourselves. Virat's coping mechanism is overworking himself." She further elaborated the concepts.
I nodded along, understanding her point. Shrugs further continued, "Me and Virat, we've discussed a lot about these mechanisms and specifically his defense mechanism. He has already received tons of exercises, which helped him work on his actions. He knows I take things about him VERY seriously. So you can rest assured. Anytime you feel he's hiding his pain behind his care for you, just call me once, and I'll arrange a session with him."
I thought about her idea for a few minutes before getting another brand new idea! "Doctor! What if we keep your sessions scheduled once in 2/3 weeks irrespective of his actions??" I suggested.
"Huh? Kyun bhai??"
"Because i know you more than you know yourself!!! The last thing i wanna do is be late in identifying your signs! And this is my condition! If you want to stay here and help me, you'll have to meet your therapist once in 2 or 3 weeks! Bol manjoor hain?" I asked him.
He looked at his therapist with puppy eyes, but all she replied was, "Well, it's always better to be safe than sorry."
Finally, we agreed to our arrangement, and Dr. Priya ended the session by arranging the next session in 3 weeks. When we ended the call, I turned towards him and said, "Cheeku, I'm sorry-"
He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion as he questioned, "Huh?? Ab kyun???"
"Vo tu bohot time sey apne therapist se nahi mil raha tha and ab-" I replied
"OH MY GOD, BHAI!!" He exclaimed dramatically and then turned towards me, taking my hands in his, he spoke, "Kitna overthink karoge??? Kis baat ka sorry bol rahe ho??? If it makes you feel better, then It's okay!!! But aapko sorry bolne ki KOI jaroorat nahi hain! You're not at fault!!! Aap kuch jaan bujh ke nahi kar rahe ho! In fact, I'm lucky to have someone like you! Jo apne dard mein bhi mere dard ke baare mein soche! Technically, I should thank you! Ke, you care so much about me!! So itna mat socho and ab smile karo chalo!"
I smiled at his reaction. Before I could stop myself, I spoke, "Aur tujhe bhi thank you bolne ki koi jaroorat nahi hain."
Once I realised how we both are similar and how we said almost the same things, we both started laughing.
Third Person POV:
Once Mahirat ended the call with Virat's therapist, they had a family meeting with their wives sitting together with them as they discussed how they should approach this situation. Watching Virushka passionately discuss all possible ways and things they can do to help MS, it made Dhoni couple emotional as they looked at each other both wondering what exactly did they do in their lifetimes to deserve all this. On the other side, the only thing Kohli couple could think of was that they MUST help MS and make everything better for his family and him!
Finally, after a long discussion, Anushka concluded, "Okay, so it's decided. Mahi bhai, you'll continue your therapy sessions like you normally do and only take Virat with you when YOU feel like you need him nearby. Virat, you're gonna have sessions in every 3 weeks. Both of you will maintain your respective journals. Me and Sakshi will handle kids. Mahi bhai, you will be sleeping in your guest room only, but both our and your guest rooms will be soundproof by tomorrow just in case to be safe. Virat will be obviously staying with bhai every day. If Virat and your therapist suggest, then bhai, you will be sleeping in our guest room rather than the current one that you're using. Both of you can handle each other, so luckily, we won't have to interfere, but if we both, I.e. me and Sakshi feel there's any need then, we will interfere. Done?"
All 3 of the listeners, MS, Sakshi, and Virat, nodded in yes and agreed to this arrangement.
And thus began Mahi's journey towards healing.
In the first week, Mahi did his regular session with his therapist on Sunday of that week. To say that MS' therapist was happy with the news of Virat's arrival would be an understatement. He suggested to let Virat help MS in his own ways and to let him find the best possible method to help MS and that if there's any help Virat needs from MS'S therapist as an expert advice, Dr. Vishal was ready to give that help. Before ending that session, the doctor warned Mahi.
"MS, Virat being there with you physically is going to be great help in this journey, but I need you to remember this, and pass this message to him too, remember that you both are not experts and there will be days in this journey where your tricks will work and there will be days where nothing will work. On those bad days don't forget to be gentle with yourself and the person in front of you, you will get frustrated just how you have been getting for past 3 months in this sessions, and that would be completely normal. Don't make yourself villain in your eyes for not knowing what to do. You have me, and Virat has his therapist. I need both of you to trust us to help you with your problems and doubts. Remember, healing is a nonlinear process, and it will stay like that. So be calm, gentle, and kind with yourself and the people around you. Okay?"
Dr. Vishal let MS sink in his words and ended the session when he saw that MS understood the message and agreed with his sayings.
For Virat, the first week was full of trial and errors. He tried every trick to help MS wake up without screaming/ panicking or best to not wake MS at all. Since the nightmares began slowly, mostly Virat knew when to start patting MS' forehead and to start talking with him. For the first week, Virat's mission was to just help MS not wake up startled like he always did. But unfortunately for Virat, MS woke up every other night he had the nightmares. Knowing how these things work, Virat did his level best to stay calm and composed, especially in front of MS. For the first week, Virat just tried to reassure MS that he's physically present around him every time MS showed signs of discomfort in his sleep.
One of those days in the second week, Virat had a tune stuck in his head. He heard it on his Spotify playlist of Hindi songs. He unconsciously kept humming some part of the song throughout the day. When the night came, like always, he came in the guest room a bit late than Mahi. He sat on the sofa for some time reading some books. Unconsciously humming to himself. Soon, he heard the discomfort sounds that his Mahi bhai was making. He got up and sat on the bed beside MS, giving him his undivided attention.
Virat patted MS' head softly like he always did, and for some reason started humming the same song he had in his head for the whole day. Surprisingly, he noticed Mahi getting calm quicker than usual, so he started softly singing along the lyrics, hoping that it might help MS get some sleep.
माना दिल डरा-डरा है
टूटा ये ज़रा-ज़रा है
दिल के इस बवंडर को
ठहर जाने दो
होंठ ये ज़रा सिले हैं
ख़ामोशी के सिलसिले हैं
रात थोड़ी गहरी हैसहर आने दो
With every line that he softly sang, Virat felt Mahi's breath getting even. For MS, on the other hand, his nightmare almost dissolved into something calming as he heard his Cheeku sing. It felt almost as if he was singing lullaby to make things better, and it was working really well. MS felt like a child again, and everything just felt safer. As he faintly heard the lyrics, his heart became full of overwhelming emotions. It was impossible for him to ever pen those emotions down in words for humans to understand.
Unknowingly to both of them, Mahi felt back to sleep as Virat kept singing,
तो क्या हुआ जो टूटा आज सपना ये तेरा
तो क्या हुआ जो आज कोई अपना ना मिला
कभी तो पूरा होगा ये चाहतों का घर
कभी तो मिल ही जायेगा तुझको हमसफ़र
तुझमे ना कमी कोई है
बस तेरा ये दिन बुरा है
वक़्त की ये बातें हैंइसे गुज़र जाने दो
Before Virat continued, he heard soft snoring, which made him smile widely. Just to be sure, he kept singing for a few more moments and then slept after some time. The next day, Mahi smiled as he said, "Bohot din hue the Teri aawaj sunke! Thank you!"
Virat happily jumped on his bhai as he genuinely felt delighted! He had found one way to help his bhai. He didn't plan to use this singing thing every day, afraid of exhausting the effect of his voice on his bhai. Instead, he decided he would only hum some tune as he sits there to read the book. Singing a whole song would be saved for nights when it's really hard for MS.
A few days later:
MSD'S POV:
My nightmares have gotten calmer, like it's hard to explain... it's just very few days I wake up screaming like I always did, and whole credit for this development goes to Cheeku and my therapist. No, cheeku has not met my therapist yet, but I do pass his messages to Virat, so they are in sync with my development. However, I hate to admit how anxious I have been for the past 2 days, I'm surprised I didn't get horrible nightmares yet. I really don't know the real reason as to why I'm so scared.... or maybe I do, and it's my Masi who visited me 2 days ago without any prior notice.... sigh. Since that day, I just kept hoping my nightmare doesn't get too horrible or something that would scare Virat off.
Today, I'm gonna try and sleep only when I feel tired enough to do so. Hopefully, exhaustion would shut my mind, and it's overthinking off saving me the trouble of going through any nightmare! So I worked harder throughout the day, and when evening came along, I played more with kids, more than I usually do! I could feel the trick work when tiredness started sipping in through my muscles. I slept the very next moment I landed on the bed!
Virat's POV:
Bhai slept earlier than usual, and I could see what he was trying to do the whole day! He kept himself so busy that he fell asleep the very moment he touched the bed, which is good, but again, none of this was enough to make me feel like bhai is okay. I know something is bothering him, he's more disturbed than usual for 2 days and I can't put my finger as on why this might be happening. He had his therapy a few days ago, and he was completely fine after that, Infact he was getting much better and sleeping more even after getting those small nightmares once every 2/3 days. And then suddenly, for the past two days, he was anxious and worried. I could feel him getting worked up, and this was not gonna help his case him and I both know it! But again, with bhai, he would never tell me things if he didn't want to, and I don't ever force him to do so either. Tho I regret at this moment, I think I should've forced him to speak up yesterday.
I sighed as I sat on the bed, reading further into my book, I didn't realise it but probably due to the fact that even I was tired I felt sleep in some minutes, until I was woken up by bhai trashing on the other side. His violent movements brought me out of my slumber.I quickly tried to pacify him.
"Bhai! Bhai! Mahi bhai utho!" I tried to wake him up only to get hit by his hand movements. He didn't realise it in his nightmare that he was getting violent, but suddenly, he woke up with a huge gasp.
"Mahi bhai-" I placed my hand on his shoulder, as light as a feather. He quickly pushed me away. His push was hard enough to make me fall on the bed. Not that I was injured, but my attention shifted from him for a few moments. I sat back on my knees only to find him missing on the bed.
Now, that made me more anxious than his previous actions. I quickly turned on the bedside lamp with my shaking hand. I could feel my heartbeats in my ears. I saw him sitting in a corner of the room, hugging his legs and uttering some words to himself. I swallowed a gulp that formed unknowingly in my throat as I saw his condition.
Cautiously, I walked towards him. When I was close enough to him, I could hear him repeating, "NO, no, no, no, no."
I sat in front of him silently, allowing him to take his time and notice me. While he was not looking at me, I allowed myself to feel, allowed myself to tear up a bit, and when he looked at me, I needed him to see me as normal as possible. Slowly after what felt an eternity, I saw him make movements, I quickly wiped my tears and kept myself ready.
The moment he looked into my eyes, I smiled, "Hi bhaiya."
"Virat!" He exclaimed, understanding that it's me. He quickly looked behind me and observed our surroundings. He held out his hand, and I quickly held on to him.
"Virat vo log aane se pehle ja!! Go from here! Varna vo tujhe vapis hurt karenge! Ja Virat! Go!!" He whispered hurriedly.
I took deep breaths and shifted towards him, "Bhai! Bhaiya! Yaha koi nahi hain!"
"Tujhe pata ya mujhe! Kabhi toh koi baat sun liya kar! Nikal, yahase!!!" He frustratedly shouted at me.
"Bhai- baat suno." I tried to convince him, but unfortunately, he got more worked up.
"Virat yaar, please!! Leave! Ja yahase! Tujhe bhi meri vajahse chot pohchaeynge vo log! Tu baat ko kyun nahi samaj raha!"
"Ok OK sorry bhai mein chala jaaunga but aap bhi chalo mere saath please mujhe darr lag raha hain." I faked and went along with what he was asking me to do.
"Kya? Mein? Nahi nahi! Mein nahi! Mujhe yaha rehna hoga! I deserve this!" He started distancing himself more from me, shifting and cocooning himself, trying to hide into the wall behind him.
"What-" I whispered, confused with his behavior. I tried to reach out for him, but he kept getting worked up and saying things that he never even said when he was having nightmares.
"Tu-tujhe nahi pata! Mere saath rehke kuch acha nahi hota! Kuch bhi acha nahi hota! Tu tu ja yahase! Mujhe kuch nahi hoga! Mujhe bas vahi milega, which I deserve!"
"Bhai! Kya bol rahe ho aap? Hosh, mein aao!"
"Sach bol raha hun mein!" He screamed
"Meri vajahse chotu aur bhaiya dono ka career shuru honse pehle hi khatam hua! Mere vajahse na jaane kitno ka career khatam hua! Meri vajahse mere sab gharvalo ko takfleef hoti hain!!!" He kicked his legs in frustration as he shouted
"Aur tu? Tu jo yaha khada hain- meri vajahse aaj tak tujhe comparison, gaaliyan, bullying, aur pata nahi kya kya sehen karna padta hain!! Sab meri vajahse Meri vajahse-" he screamed again.
"They- they said they'll hurt you if they see you near me!! Mujhe kuch bhi ho jaaye at least let me be able to protect you! IK tu meri family ka bhi khayal rakhega so tu please jaa! You stay safe! Meri parva mat kar! I couldn't protect you ab tak, par abhi toh karne de! Tu ja! Ha tu ja, please go! Tell everyone i tried. Yes, i protected you! Yes agar mujhe kuch bhi hua toh bhi i dont care! You go! Ja tu-" I could see him breathing heavily and that he had started panicking harder, which meant he was on point of getting panic attack. So I did what I felt would break him out.
"BHAIYA CHUP HO JAAO!" I screamed at him. He got startled at my voice and stopped blabbering. He looked at me with doe questioning eyes, confused about what was happening around him. I held on to his shoulders with my shaking hands and got him closer in a warm hug.
"Please bhai, wake up! Kuch nahi hua hain! Aapne kuch nahi kiya hain! Please aisa mat karo apne saath please!" I begged him and unknowingly teared up. As soon as he felt me crying, it was as if he woke up from the haze, and he hugged me back tightly.
"I-" he tried to speak but couldn't find any words.
"Shh, it's okay, bhai! Aap kuch mat sochiye okay? Just breathe! Breathe with me. " I calmed him down. We stayed in the hug silently. I felt the environment getting heavy with everything that happened in the past few minutes.
I closed my eyes to calm myself down faster. One way I've learned that helped me feel better quickly than any breathing exercise was by humming some song or softly singing along with the music playing in my head. Music has forever been my healer, and in this case, right there with Mahi bhai, I knew it would help him, too.
MSD'S POV:
I will not lie, saying I remembered everything before Virat screamed at me. It felt as if I was sleep talking, and the moment Cheeku screamed was the moment I woke up from the dream.. well, technically, a nightmare. What didn't make sense and scared me was Cheeku's face! He looked scared, and my doubts turned into reality when I felt his hands shaking as he hugged me.
Initially, in the hug, I was still in a bit of a haze, mostly aftermath of what had probably happened a few minutes ago. But then I heard one of the most painful sounds, Virat was sobbing. His sob pierce through my heart and any haze or confusion in my head just vanished, and I hugged him back tightly. I could feel him stiff and protective over me. I tried to explain, but he just asked me to follow his breathing.
As if he was calming himself down along with calming me down, Virat kept taking deep breaths. When we were silent, I stared recollecting what must've happened for Cheeku to get so disturbed, and I recollected bits and pieces of information. I sighed, knowing I just blew up things that I had kept hidden from him for years! Before I could dwell into it further and overwhelm myself, I heard Virat hum a tune. I closed my eyes and focused on his voice.
तेरे दिल का मेरे दिल से रिश्ता पुराना है
इन आँखों से हर आँसू मुझ को चुराना है
मुझ को चुराना है, मुझ को चुराना है
Initially, Virat kept humming softly and then finally sang the lyrics. This song - I've heard it before. We both have heard it before. I remember how one day Virat and I were listening to songs on TV. The moment we heard the lyrics, we looked at each other and said, "This reminded me of the bond I have with you!"
तेरी बेचैनी का, तेरी तनहाई का
एहसास है मुझ को सुन
मैं जो साथ तेरे हूँ, फिर तुझे है कैसा ग़म?
दर्द बाँट लेंगे हम सुन
इन पलकों में ख़ुशियों का सपना सजाना है
तेरे दिल का मेरे दिल से रिश्ता पुराना है
I teared up with every word Virat was singing. It was not just him singing the song to calm himself and me down, but he was also convincing and telling me that I'm not alone. He was conveying it through the song that I need not go through all this alone.
कैसे मैं बताऊँ, ये तेरा इस तरह रोना
देखा नहीं जाता है सुन
Cheeku choked as he sang those words. We both cried silently at this cruel game of fate.
शाम जब ढलती है, सुबह मुस्कुराती है ख़ुशबूएँ लुटाती हैं सुन
उदासी के लम्हों में हमें मुस्कुराना है
तेरे दिल का मेरे दिल से रिश्ता पुराना है
इन आँखों से हर आँसू मुझ को चुराना है
He softly concluded the song when he regained his voice. We stayed in the hug, reassuring each other that we were okay, that we were safe. Finally, I decided to break the silence.
After an hour:
Virat was sitting in front of me reading his book and I kept watching the moon through my window. As the seconds turned into minutes and minutes into an hour, I slowly regained memory of what happened few minutes back and in my nightmare. I've had plenty of nightmares all thanks to unhealed trauma I've carried with myself but this was one of THE worst nightmares I've ever had. I could still feel the shivers in my body, my hands and feet were still numbing cold. I looked at Virat who was trying his best to focus on his book. I started focus back on my breathing, I don't know at what exact time, but the silence slowly started to feel haunting, memories of the nightmare that dark place slowly started to resurface. I probably did something or my breathing changed but Virat somehow noticed my uneasiness.
"Bhaiya, mujhe na bore ho raha hain sirf book padh padh kar, kuch soft music lagau? Chalega aapko?" He softly suggested. I smiled at his attempt to cater to my needs without making me feel imposed, he truly grew up well. I turned my attention to the wall in front of me and slowly nodded a yes, still not trusting my voice anymore. I heard Virat take in a breathe in relief and then he started searching for his phone. In next few moments, soft tunes started playing in background.
यह जीवन है ,इस जीवन का
यही है ,यही है ,यही है रंग रूप
थोड़े गम है ,थोड़ी खुशियां
यही है ,यही है ,यही है छांव धूप
यह न सोचो इसमें अपनी
हार है कि जीत है
उसे अपना लो जो भी
जीवन की रीत है
यह जिद छोड़ो
यू ना तोड़ो
हर पल एक दर्पण है
यह जीवन है
I closed my eyes listening to the words that Kishore Da was singing, seeking comfort that Virat was trying to give me through his voice. Each word started making me feel more emotional as time went by.
धन से ना दुनिया से
घर से ना द्वार से
सांसो की डोर बस्सी है
प्रीतम के प्यार से
दुनिया छूटे ,पर ना टूटे
यह कैसा बंधन है
यह जीवन है
The moment next song started, I started focusing on each and every instrument playing in that song, shifting my focus on tunes, trying to guess what all instruments were used in the song helped me get back to the present slowly. By the time Kishore Da started singing again I was more immersed in the song than before.
ज़िंदगी की यही रीत है, हार के बाद ही जीत है
ज़िंदगी की यही रीत है, हार के बाद ही जीत है
थोड़े आँसू हैं, थोड़ी हँसी, आज ग़म है तो कल है ख़ुशी
ज़िंदगी रात भी है, सँवेरा भी है ज़िंदगी
ज़िंदगी है सफ़र और बसेरा भी है ज़िंदगी
एक पल दर्द का घाँव है, दूसरा सुख भरी छाँव है
हर नए पल नया गीत है
ज़िंदगी की यही रीत है
ग़म का बादल जो छाए तो हम मुस्कुराते रहें
अपनी आँखों में आशाओं के दीप जलाते रहें
आज बिगड़े तो कल फिर बने, आज रूठे तो कल फिर मने
वक़्त भी जैसे इक मीत है
ज़िंदगी की यही रीत है
ज़िंदगी की यही रीत है, हार के बाद ही जीत है
थोड़े आँसू हैं, थोड़ी हँसी, आज ग़म है तो कल है ख़ुशी
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Next part will be the last part of this series :)
Not gonna lie this series is too close to me so I'm trying my best to keep it as real and as vulnerable as I can....
Fun fact: Whole idea for this story came from Tere dil ka song and a plot part where Virat sings that song for his Mahi bhai hehehheh
Byeee
Thank you for your patience