summary: when you're drowning under the weight of your thoughts, hailee is the life jacket that keeps you afloat.
warnings: so much fluff; mentions of anxiety (but nothing overly specific or graphic); pet names for days; abrupt start + slightly cheesy ending; too many drowning/storm metaphors
wordcount: 1.6k
a/n: this was a tumblr request :)
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You lay in bed staring at the ceiling above, your thoughts moving faster than you can begin to comprehend. You're not sure what's wrong but you are sure that the way your heart is racing isn't normal. It's like you're powerless against a growing wave of anxiety that keeps building with every second that passes.
The fact that you're alone isn't helping in the least but your girlfriend is busy shooting another collaboration with Core and you don't want to interrupt her work. She's been so excited about the opportunity and the last thing you want to do is ruin it by being clingy. So, against your common sense, you decide to stick it out by yourself, convincing yourself that you are more than capable of beating the storm of thoughts by yourself.
That is definitely easier said than done, considering how overwhelmed you feel already. A few minutes go by before the thundering silence of the room is interrupted.
You almost jump out of your skin when you hear the familiar sound of your phone ringing. You immediately recognize the ringtone as Hailee's and your heart drops down to your stomach.
If you were feeling like your normal self, you would be filled with excitement at the idea of getting to talk to your girlfriend. Instead, you're filled with a sense of dread and anxiety as you begin to rack your brain for the excuses you'll need for your girlfriend's inevitable questions.
You sit up in bed and hesitate for a few seconds before grabbing your phone. A loud sigh escapes your lips before you gather your courage and answer the FaceTime call from your girlfriend. "Hi, Haiz. How's the shoot going?"
You hope she'll go into detail about her day so you don't have to talk about yours or the storm of doubt raging through your head.
"It's going great!" She replies, an excited grin on her face. "Everyone's been so nice and the pictures all look amazing. I can't wait for you to see the finished product."
You give her the most authentic smile you can muster. "I'm glad to hear that, babe."
A beat of silence goes by while her eyes look you over. You already know what she's going to say before she opens her mouth. "What's wrong?"
"Can't a girl just miss her girlfriend?" You say while you turn your head to the side a little in an attempt to hide the deception behind your words.
"Baby, why are you lying to me?" Her eyebrows furrow, clearly not believing you.
"I'm not," you reply, willing your voice not to crack. "I'm just tired."
She doesn't immediately reply and you feel far too exposed as her brown eyes stare right through you and your unconvincing lies. Even over the phone, Hailee is far too good at reading you. "Listen, you can tell me whatever it is that's bothering you. I'm always here for you, y/n."
Any other day, her words would be reassuring but today, they make all sorts of insecurities rise up within you. You're not sure why pushing Hailee away seems to be the best idea to your overwhelmed brain but you don't have the strength to fight back against it.
"I know, Haiz. But I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me, I know you're busy." Your voice holds more exhaustion than bitterness but you can tell your words hurt her just the same. You feel the guilt rise up within you at the sight and the only thought in your mind is leaving before you make everything worse. "I'm going to go take a nap, okay? Call me if you need something."
You don't give her a chance to reply, your thumb pressing the red 'end call' button almost as soon as the words escape your mouth. Nothing about what you just did takes away the guilty feelings or the overwhelming sense of panic settled deep in your chest. If anything, they reinforce the doubts that won't leave your brain alone.
You throw your phone somewhere on the bed before laying back down on your side. You're not sure how much time you spend like that, curled up on your side and succumbing to the negative voices in your brain.
You're so caught up in your own head, you don't hear the sound of the door opening.
You do, however, notice the way the bed shifts and the arm that wraps itself around you. "Hi, baby."
You almost break down crying just from the sound of her voice. A few seconds of silence go by as you try to regain control of yourself and your thoughts.
When you finally do speak, your voice comes out quiet and shaky. "You're back early."
"My girlfriend needed me," she replies as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.
She doesn't say anything else but the arm around your waist tightens its hold on you and you can feel the soft kisses she presses to the back of your shoulder. She doesn't need words to comfort you and with every kiss she presses to your skin, the more weight that falls off your tense shoulders.
A long time goes by before she eventually speaks again. Her voice is barely above a whisper when she does. Almost as if she's afraid of scaring you away. "What's wrong, love?'
You shrug, not fully able to put what you're feeling into words. It's like everything is wrong and yet nothing is wrong at the same time. Hailee waits patiently for you to gather your thoughts, her fingers gently running through your hair.
"It's just...everything is so...loud and heavy..." You trail off, frustrated at your inability to explain what's going on with you.
Your girlfriend came back home early for you and you can't even give her a good explanation why. You're just wasting her time.
Like always.
The brunette speaks up, almost as if she knows exactly the kind of thoughts that are running through your head. "It's okay, baby. I know what you mean. You don't have to worry, alright? I'm here."
"I'm sorry," you whisper. You can already feel the tears filled with burning shame gathering in your y/e/c eyes.
"Don't apologize." Her tone has a firm edge to it even though it remains soft. "It's okay not to be okay sometimes, y/n."
"But it's so stupid-" You take in a shaky breath as your voice cracks under the weight of it all. "I made you come back early and I don't even know what's wrong."
"Baby, baby, listen to me: you didn't make me do anything. I did it because I wanted to. Because you're important to me." The kisses to your shoulder make a comeback, the touch of her lips against your overheated skin helping to ground you a little. "You're the most important person in my life. Don't doubt that, okay?"
You let out a little hum to let her know you heard her but you don't respond with anything else, your brain already getting to work on contradicting your girlfriend's words. Your thoughts are moving at lightning speed, each one louder and more intense than the last.
You don't realize you're shaking until Hailee speaks again, her voice as soft as ever.
"y/n? Can you turn around for me, darling?"
You let out a little groan at the question. The thought of turning around and facing those soft brown eyes of hers seems almost impossible to fulfill right now.
Hailee's fingers draw random shapes on your arm while you gather yourself. It takes a few more seconds before you give in to both her wishes and your need for reassurance.
Her hold on you loosens while you turn around to face her and you feel incredibly small as her eyes look down at your face. You don't know where the sudden burst of insecurity comes from but you do know its effects are clear on your features.
"It's okay, darling. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere." She grabs one of your hands and places it on her chest, right on top of her beating heart. "You feel that? As long as I'm alive, this heart will always beat for you."
"What about after life?" You ask, the ghost of a smile on your lips as you reference her song.
Her eyes seem to glow at your words. "I'll stay yours even when my heartbeat stops, baby. You don't have to worry about that."
"Promise?"
"Promise," she replies with a small nod. "I love you, y/n. Nothing will ever change that."
She leans down to press a soft kiss onto your forehead while you keep your hand on her chest, using that touch to bring yourself out of your thoughts and into the present moment.
Hailee keeps up the soft kisses, slowly moving down your face while you focus on your breathing. She doesn't rush you in any way as she goes. The silence between the two of you continues for a while until you eventually manage to gather yourself again.
"Thank you." Your voice is barely above a whisper, the exhaustion clear in your voice.
She leans back a little with a small smile on her face. Her eyes search your expression for any lingering signs of anxiety as she speaks. "You don't have to thank me, love. Are you feeling better?"
You hum in reply. "Yeah...I don't...know what that was about."
"That's okay, baby." She gives the tip of your nose a quick kiss, unable to hide how happy she is that you're okay again. "I'm just glad you made it back to me."
"Always." You offer her a shaky smile before you scoot forward a little, your head slotting itself underneath your girlfriend's chin. She holds you close and your eyes flutter shut as you're filled with a deep sense of peace. A feeling you haven't had all day. "I love you, Lee."
She lets out a soft sigh, her eyes falling shut as well. "I've got you, y/n. And I'm never letting go."