A/N: Finished chapter 16, so y'all get another update 🫡🫶
You guys should listen to "Anymore" by Somi 🥲
Chapter contains...um... mean words & stuff 💀👌
"Naur way...it's snowing!" Jake says in English. Heeseung shivered as the wind blew against his face. Jungwon sat down on the ground, unbothered by the possibility that his clothes would get dirty.
Ni-ki smiled as he looked up at the sky. He closed his eyes as the snowflakes landed gently on his face.
"Oh...look at Ni-ki being so pretty." Heeseung teases. Ni-ki ignores him and keeps his head turned towards the sky. The three of them are quiet as they watch him. Jay, Sunghoon, and Sunoo were inside already. Only the four of them chose to brave the cold.
"Riki?" Ni-ki flinched at his real name being called. But still, he ignored Jungwon too. The three of them exchanged glances. Heeseung pulled Jungwon inside, leaving Jake alone with Ni-ki. Jake took a few hesitant steps towards the younger and then wrapped his arms around him.
Ni-ki's tears fell, but he was quiet. He didn't hide his face or shake...he was just...still.
Jake rubbed his back and watched his tears travel from his eyes, across his cheek, and down under his chin, where they dropped away from him.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Jake asks quietly. Ni-ki took a deep breath and exhaled it silently. He shook his head and finally opened his eyes, settling them on Jake's.
"I'm okay." Ni-ki says. Jake frowns.
"You don't have to be so mature Ni-ki. You can cry. You can scream. You can ask for a break."
"Really, I'm okay." Ni-ki insists. He wasn't in the mood for one of Jake's speeches. They never really made sense anyway. Jake pulled away and searched Ni-ki's eyes.
But there was nothing there.
No sadness, longing, anger...there was no hint of happiness, fear, or hope either.
Jake almost flinched at how empty Ni-ki's dark eyes were. Ni-ki maintained eye contact, almost daring Jake to say something else. But, he doesn't. He backs down and starts walking towards the cabin they were staying in for the next few days.
Ni-ki stared out into the treeline, his head completely empty as he turned his emotions back off.
Not now. There's too much to do. Go back down so I can lock you up again. Ni-ki thought silently.
He felt it.
How inside felt colder than outside.
Ni-ki looks back at the cabin where he knew the members were waiting. The people he loved almost as much as he loved his actual family.
I can't let them hurt me.
I need to be strong or things will only get worse.
I...can't let you out right now.
—-----------------------------------
"You all can get settled today, and we'll start the filming tomorrow." Dohyun says, sending them all a copy of the schedule. Sunoo's eyes widen as he reads it.
Pair filming 9 am - 1 pm
Heeseung, Jake, & Ni-ki (Dance/workout class)
Jay & Jungwon (museum/shopping)
Sunghoon & Sunoo (ice skating)
It was obvious...this was just another day of the same thing. It was going to be a day of hell now that there was an awkwardness between them. Heeseung fought his urge to look over at Sunghoon or Sunoo. They couldn't show any concern.
Sunghoon was more focused on the activity he was going to be filming. He suddenly felt sick.
"Sound good?" Dohyun asks. The boys nod and put on their most convincing smiles yet, Jay and Jungwon even went as far as high fiving each other.
As long as their manager was satisfied with the performance.
"The ice rink is privately owned so you'll be staying on the owners property tomorrow and we'll also be doing the group filming there." Dohyun says, looking at Sunghoon and Sunoo. They nod in response.
"The rest...you'll have to go into town for your activities, obviously. Dress warm." With that, Dohyun stands to his feet and exits the cabin, leaving the seven tired boys alone once again.
Heeseung is the first one to break the silence.
"Hoon-"
"We'll be fine." Sunghoon cuts him off, looking up at him with fierce eyes, "Please...don't mention it anymore, we're moving forward."
Heeseung nods and looks away, gulping at Sunghoon's sudden authoritative voice. Sunoo stared down at his hands...he didn't have anything to say about it either. He knew this was probably going to happen. Especially if the manager didn't know about their...incident. There was no reason for them to stop the act.
"Come on, Ni-ki. We should talk." Jungwon sighs, standing at the table. Ni-ki looked down at the table. Sunoo noticed the small twitch around his lips and eyes, like he was thinking something negative.
Ni-ki follows Jungwon to one of the two bedrooms anyway.
"I feel...completely clueless about everything right now." Jay says.
"Yeah." Heeseung scoffs.
"I need to talk to Sunoo, so could the three of you leave?" Heeseung asks. The '02 line nods and quickly goes towards the other bedroom. Sunoo sighed loudly and leaned back in his chair as he looked across the table at Heeseung.
"I'm worried." Heeseung admits.
"You shouldn't be."
"Sunoo...you say that...but Miyoung and Hyerim already know something is wrong and they're around us less than Dohyun.
"We'll handle it...you should worry about yourself. You and the other members are the ones making it so obvious."
Heeseung put his palm to his forehead, trying to rub away the forming headache.
"Okay...but let's say he does find out. Do you have a plan?"
"Tell him the truth. We'll get over it. We have a job to do. I don't think our whole damn group can come crashing down because of one member's drunk mistake." Sunoo snaps.
"Yah! Kim Sunoo!" Heeseung raised his voice, and stood slightly from his chair. Sunoo looked up at him with wide eyes. He had never seen Heeseung angry before. Heeseung pointed his finger at him, his eyes full of pent up rage that he was trying not to take out on someone innocent.
"This isn't just about you and what you think." Heeseung says, his voice was low and more like a growl, "This affects all of us, so don't half-ass your efforts."
"Are you blaming me for what happened? Or upset because I can't just pretend I'm not falling apart a little bit at a time?" Sunoo whispers. Heeseung stared down at him and sighed, he needed to control his temper. He wasn't making his point at all.
"I'm just...just..." Heeseung sighed again and sat back down, covering his face with his hands. The headache had come anyway.
"Give him a chance...Sunoo. Give him a chance to prove that he's sorry. He's beating himself up enough."
"I'm not mad at him." Sunoo clarifies. Heeseung moved his hands to look at Sunoo...his expression showed that he was telling the truth.
"I'm not mad at Sunghoon for what he did...not anymore. I'm trying to regulate myself...it's going to take more than a few days." Sunoo says, avoiding Heeseungs eye.
"Are you...having doubts?"
"What?"
Heeseung shakes his head, he wasn't going to press further.
"I'm sorry for yelling, Sunoo. It's just very stressful right now."
"I know. Things will get better when we're done with this filming. I'm sure." Sunoo says. Heeseung stared at the table.
No, they won't.
"Yeah...I'm sure they will."
—------------------------------------
"Don't you think it's too cold to be going out right now?" Jake asks. Sunoo jumps at the sound of his voice. He thought everyone was asleep, but he had walked straight past Jake who was sitting alone on the couch.
"I...just need some fresh air." Sunoo says.
"Not alone, at night." Jake shakes his head, "I'll come with you."
Sunoo waits for Jake to grab his coat and then the two of them walk outside. Luckily, it wasn't actively snowing anymore, even the wind was still. That made the cold more bearable. Sunoo raised his head to look at the few visible stars. The moon was nowhere in sight, it must be hidden behind one of the clouds.
"Is there a particular reason you needed fresh air?"
"Is there a particular reason you were sitting alone at midnight?"
Jake scoffed and looked over at Sunoo, then down at his feet.
"You got me there. Actually, I have some of my own things to think about, believe it or not." Jake admits. Sunoo glanced at him but didn't question it. Jake would elaborate if he wanted to, but Jake wasn't one to usually talk about his thoughts. He was almost as closed off as Sunghoon. It was crazy that even though they talked a lot...Sunoo didn't really know much about either of them.
Then again, he had never asked. Sunoo sighs.
"I can't stop thinking about it..." He says quietly.
"About...?"
"That...that night."
"Well...did you really hate it?" Jake asks. Sunoo furrows his eyebrows.
"I...I don't know."
"Can you let him go?"
"What?"
"If he were to walk away right now...if he were to leave the group and cut off contact right now...could you let him go? Could you forget about him after a few years?" Jake asks. Sunoo looks down at the ground.
"No...but that goes for any of you."
"Would you do it again? If he was sober, would it have changed anything?"
"I don't know..."
"It doesn't sound like you hated it that much, no offense. But if you're still thinking about it, that means there is a possibility you enjoyed it and just don't know how to feel about it."
Sunoo's cheeks heated up but he glared at Jake.
"No. I...it's that I can't. Like...I can't feel that way..." Sunoo says.
"Why?" Jake asks. Sunoo looks away and bites his lip. He wasn't really religious, but...
"Oh..." Jake says quietly, "You're straight."
Sunoo nods. At least Jake wasn't going to make him say it out loud...not that it was anything to be embarrassed about.
"Same...I mean. But...you're not even allowing yourself a chance to change your mind?" Jake asks. It wasn't a condescending question, but a genuine, curious one.
"I've never had feelings for a guy before...I think if I liked guys, I would know by now...I'm 19." Sunoo says.
"So...? There are straight people that don't fall for someone until late in life...so who's to say you can't change your mind late in life too? Sunoo...you're only 19. If you develop feelings now, that doesn't mean they're irrelevant just because you haven't felt them before..."
"What do you think?" Sunoo asks.
"What do you mean?"
"Well...Jungwon said that everyone could tell Sunghoon liked me...maybe even before he realized himself. What about me? Do you think I like him?"
"I...I can't tell you how to feel, Sunoo."
"You're not...I just want to know what you think."
Jake sighs.
"I think you two are the most complicated people I've ever met. I think you know exactly how you feel, you just don't want to admit it."
"So you think I like him?"
"That's not what I said." Jake grumbles, "Look...you think about it. What do you want? Do you want anything at all?"
Jake turned and started walking towards the door.
"How would you feel if Sunghoon did what he said he was going to do? Would you regret your choices if he said he didn't like you anymore? That's what you need to think about. No one can tell you how you feel, and no one can hold your hand through this, I'm afraid. It's something you have to learn on your own." Jake says, then he disappears inside.
Sunoo shivered and looked back up at the sky. The clouds had completely covered the stars now, leaving him in an uncomfortable darkness.
What a headache...feelings were a headache he didn't want to deal with.
"I'll...just sleep on it." Sunoo mumbles.
—------------------------------
"Don't act weird around me, I've already moved on...you don't have to worry anymore." Sunghoon says.
"What?" Sunoo asks.
"I don't like you anymore. I don't even know why I did in the first place. Or maybe I didn't...I don't know. Maybe that night only happened because I was drunk."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying...maybe I only kissed you because I was drunk and wanted some kind of affection from someone. It was a heat of the moment thing." Sunghoon says. Sunoo looked down. For some reason, he was disappointed by Sunghoon's words. Sunghoon must have picked up on it.
He took a step closer.
"Should...should I find out?" he asks hesitantly. Sunoo jerked his head up to meet his eye.
"Huh?"
"Should I find out if it was only because I was drunk?"
Sunoo stared at him, he flinched as Sunghoon moved closer until their faces were only three inches apart. Sunghoon's eyes moved away from Sunoo's and down to his lips. Sunghoon leaned closer still. Again, Sunoo was stuck in place, unable to move away. Maybe...he didn't want to? That didn't make any sense to him.
"I...can't" Sunghoon frowns and leans away. Sunoo's heart drops.
"I guess it was because I was drunk. I don't like you, Sunoo." Sunghoon says, he smiles warmly and pats Sunoo's shoulder. Sunoo stood there in shock.
It...really was nothing more than a drunk mistake?
Why was he so disappointed?
"See? We got all worked up for nothing." Sunghoon sounded relieved. Sunghoon nodded firmly and then turned on his heel, leaving Sunoo standing as still as a statue.
What??
Sunoo jerked awake. He sat up from the mat on the floor he was laying on. What...kind of dream was that?
Sunoo felt a cool breeze from the fan on his face and he touched his cheeks.
Huh?
His fingers were wet and he rubbed his eyes.
Why was he crying??
Sunoo stood to his feet and stumbled around in the dark room, almost tripping over Jungwon's feet as he stepped over him. He made his way to the bathroom and turned the light on, staring at his reflection in the mirror.
"Why are you crying over that, Kim Sunoo?" He whispers.
A/N: I forgot what I was going to say....
Um....okay so basically I don't want to see any disrespectful comments about straight people because that ain't cool. (I only say this because I've seen it before on other stories when someone is mentioned to be straight)
I...am straight...so like...don't be rude.
I don't care how you identify, i'm treating everyone equally and I kindly ask that you do the same here 🫶
Surprise reveal next chapter 🤭
Don't forget to vote if you enjoy~
Have a wonderful day/night 🫶🫶
Don't forget to eat, drink, breathe, and sleep 💛💛