The silence between Mile and Apo is getting awkward.
Apo can feel Mile is getting nervous. He has been shaking his feet under the desk for awhile, even the desk shakes along with his movement. To make the matter worse, Mile's pen hasn't moved from that page and he is pretty sure Mile poked a hole through the paper. His thick brows furrow, unconsciously bite his lips from time to time, and fast breathing.
Mile feels uneasy.
Mile sneakily glances to Apo's side many times. His mind wonders back to that dream where he kissed Apo.
Apo is his friend.
His lips are cherry red.
His amber colored eyes are beautiful.
His cute cheeks.
His stubble.
And again, his cherry lips.
Friend can kiss too.
Yes, friend kiss too.
Yes, keep telling yourself that, Mile Phakphum Romsaithong.
Since when he has feeling for Apo? Did it happen when Apo wanted to take him out for a date? That was not a date.
But when he saw Apo smiled brightly while cheering him from the audience, Mile felt happy. It is nice to have someone cheering you on and loving what you do.
But that cheer was also for Jeff.
He is losing his mind.
"Are you feeling well, Mile?". Apo decided to end this awkwardness.
"N..o... yes... Yes. Sure. I am fine. Really fine.". No, he doesn't feel fine.
"You look pale. Are you sure?" Apo reaches out his hand to Mile's forehead trying to check his temperature.
Mile quickly lean aside so Apo can't touch him.
"I'm always pale, Apo. Don't worry. Focus on your paper "
"You're being weird dude."
Damn right he's being weird. All he can think of is kissing Apo's lips.
What if Mile confesses? Will he scares Apo away? Does Apo even like men? What if he destroys this precious friendship?
He can take Apo's hand and walks with him on liesures days. They can go to the temples to make merit together. Apo can attend every of his performances as a boyfriend, sit among the audiences. Apo will smile, clap, cheer, and sing along to his songs. Apo will sleep on his bed in his arms. He will place a morning kiss on his forehead everyday. They will share sweet kisses or a quick sneaky peck on the lips at school. He will help his boyfriend to study then they will enroll in Thammasat together. And then they live happily together forever.
And then ...
Nothing.
Mile grips onto the pen so tight that his fingers turn white. The words and numbers on the paper start to blur, he can't see anything at all. He's fighting himself not to turn aside and confess his feeling for the boy next to him. Suddenly, he feels a tap on his arm.
"You have a nice watch. Is it expensive?"
"This one is a Rolex. It's vintage so it's kinda expensive." Thanks to the Gods that Apo starts a conversation first before Mile loses his mind.
"That's really nice. Can I have a closer look?".
Apo reaches out to Mile's wrist. When his fingers touche it, Mile flinges and stands up from their chair.
"It's late. You should leave. See you tomorrow." Mile hides his arm behind him.
"O...OK... Mile... I..."
"Leave, Apo. Now."
"But..."
"LEAVE."
Apo is stunned when Mile yells at him. He sits there, freezes, it feels like ages before he can get back his senses to gather his stuff then leave Mile's place. He touched something felt strange on Mile's wrist and it must be ...
He really doesn't want to go like this but Mile needs his alone time right now. Apo walks slowly out of the door and Mile harshly shut it close behind him. He flinges at the sound then turn back to look at it. Carefully placing his palm on the door for a moment before leaving.
"Call me." Apo says to the door then leave.
Mile was standing behind the close door. After hearing that "call me", he turns his back to the door and slide down to the floor. His feet weak, his pride hurts, his heart cries, and his secret opens. Mile takes off his watch to release a scar of consistent round shaped line across his inside wrist.
Cigarette burn scar.
It's a four round shaped scar forms as a line on his wrist. It's not that deep like it used to thanks to the advanced medical procedure he had been through but it is still there.
It reminds him of how he used to torture himself when he couldn't drink or when he had to hurt himself to forget about his prescribed medication addiction. He remembered how his mother cried when she found out about his self-harm. She held him in her arms, told him to lean on her and cried, she would be his biggest support pillar because he is her son. She didnt cry when she found out. Then, one night, Mile saw his mother leaned on his father and cried quietly in the dark. That was when he realized his body belongs to them as well, he could not abused it, he must get help, and get better. The journey was not easy but it worked. He doesn't have to take his meds daily now and can control his desire for alcohol.
Will all of that drive Apo away? Will Apo be scared of him? Or will Apo think he is crazy?
Mile doesn't want to think anymore.
Apo worries about Mile's condition since he left Mile's place. He could feel the mark on Mile's wrist was a scar. He was surprised when his fingers touched that scar, he didn't know how to react. Even though he touched it briefly, he could feel the bumps and how big it was. It was extremely personal for Mile and if Mile doesn't want to open up, he can't force him to do anything.
His mind has been occupied by Mile, he couldn't think straight or do his chores. Apo asked his mother to excuse himself early and went to back to his room so he could try to think and how he should talk to Mile about the situation.
"I'm sorry for what happened. Come back tomorrow, i will explain everything." A text pops up on Apo's phone.
"It's fine, Mile. If you want to talk, i will be here and listen to you. You got me. See you tomorrow."
---
To be honest, Apo was worried about today. However, things seem fine as Mile treats him like he always does. They haven't talked about the subject yet but that isn't something can be rushed. Apo hears a deep inhale from Mile, he turns to his side to see Mile's looking at him. Mile is nervous. He can see it from the way Mile handles himself. Shaking leg, rubbing hands, and then taking off his watch to reveal his "wound".
Seeing it up close, Apo hisses. The scar is big and in a straight line. He reaches out slowly and gently rubs it with his fingers to comfort Mile. He doesn't know what to do but that like he can take away the pain Mile suffered from.
"I was in a dark place. I couldn't kill myself because I was afraid how it would affect my family so this was my only choice."
"Cutting wasn't enough". Mile takes a deep breathe. "A clean cut line couldn't satisfy me so I turned to burning. The burning sensation when it hit my skin, when I scraped it with my own finger, and when I let the wounds get infected."
"Mile, I am sorry. I don't know what had happened." There are tears forming in Apo's eyes. "Can you promise me to stay healthy and love yourself more?" Apo cups Mile's hands inside his hands.
Mile cannot believe what's happening. Not only Apo doesn't think he is sick but also wants him to be happy. This boy is the most precious thing that come to his life beside his family. How can someone be this kind?
In the heat of the moment, Mile leans in and place a kiss on Apo's lips. The kiss doesn't contain any sexual intention. It is only pure love and admiration for his Apo.
Time seems to stop when his lips touch Apo's lips. They are soft and sweet just like how he dreamt of them. The boy smell of fresh lotus under the sun not some artificial perfume like others. Mile can feel Apo is under the state of shock because he literally forgets to breath and his eyes are wide open. He gathers his courage again and slightly bite Apo's lower lip.
Apo flinges at the stingy sensation on his lips. He pushes Mile away, stands up to gather his things, and ready to leave.
"Po, I'm sorry. But please give me an answer. Not now, I can wait." Mile quickly hugs Apo from behind while he's sitting. His face, his breathe hit Apo's lower back, his arms wrap around Apo's waist.
"Please. Don't leave me. I...I...I don't know what I...I...may..."