I looked at everything around me blearily, scrutinizing where I was. Was I dead? I thought because everything seemed foggy with my eyes. I rubbed them to clear my vision and thoughts. I was in the same room I slept in last night. Sleeping pills, didn't kill me! I was still in my personal hell. Yes, personal hell, my life! I looked out the window, the sky was red and violet. It was dawn.
"Were the pills expired? They just had no affect on me. I slept, what, like 3 hours ago. And got up so easily and early. I had a terrible headache, though."
I talked to myself. Who else did I have to talk to, now? No one.
I thought of some other ways to die as my first plan failed. But couldn't come up with something. Then, google came to my mind. I would surely find something from google. I found my phone in the back pocket of the jeans I was wearing from yesterday. Before going further with the search of 'ways to commit suicide', I went to the washroom. I stood infront of the mirror. I looked at myself. I looked so scruffy. My eyes all swollen, red and the skin all dark underneath my eyes with all the crying and thinking. My hair, all a mess. My lips all dry and white. I resembled very closely to a zombie.
I splashed water on my face after turning on the tap on the tap and my eyes didn't enjoy the cold water much as it caused pain. I came back to bed and sat down taking my phone into my hands. I pressed the lock button to bring my phone back to life. I had switched it off for the funeral. The apple logo appeared on the screen and after a few seconds, I had my lock screen with the minions. I slided the arrow to unlock it. It asked for the password. My hands trembled to type the password. I still had not changed my password. It still was Theo's name encoded in 4 numbers. I noticed the time as the homescreen appeared. It was 7 p.m. My eyes fixated at the 'p.m.'. I scrolled the notification centre down. It was full of notifications of missed calls, messages, WhatsApp, Instagram, Facebook and everything. I ignored all of them and tapped at 'Today' bar on the left of the 'All' bar in the notification centre.
"Fùck!" I muttered. Its been 17 hours since I went to sleep. So the pill did have a little effect of sleep on me. I had not eaten anything for four days now, just few sips of water. That's it! I was feeling a little dizzy.
I was suddenly into an outburst when again I had a flashback of past few days. I just couldn't understand what to do or where to go. I closed my search and left my phone on the bed. I walked out of the apartment without locking it. I just kept on walking and walking.
I don't know myself for how long I walked. I found myself outside the Bennett park. I stood there, still. I came there once or twice with mom and dad just after we moved to New York. I was so happy back then.
I remember dad telling me things about Bennett Park on that visit there. It is also known as James Gordon Bennett Park. It is located between Pinehurst and Fort Washington Avenues and West 183rd and 185th Streets in the Hudson Heights neighborhood of Washington Heights in northern Manhattan, on land purchased by Bennett in 1871, the year before his death. It sits opposite the northern Fort Washington Avenue entrance to the 181st Street subway station on the Eighth Avenue Line, serviced by the A train. I recalled telling him with such excitement while I was least bothered to even listen to him because I was busy admiring the views and children playing around.
It is so strange that only when people are no longer with us, we realise their importance and their words suddenly means so much. They suddenly have an unbearable weight. I wished if I could go back in time.
I had no idea what time it was now. I don't know how long it took me to be here. I started walking again and didn't stop until I reached the GW Bridge. I stood at the sidewalk. There weren't many people around on the sidewalk, although the lanes were busy with traffic. I could feel a light wind on my face while gazing down at the Hudson flowing.
And then, suddenly, I knew what I had to do. I was at the right place to end my life. Well, I wouldn't be the first one to do so. GW bridge is already a famous suicide point and one more life gone from here wouldn't really bother the people of New York.
I looked here and there to see if anyone was around me to stop but couldn't find anyone so I climbed down slowly over the guide rail and looked down. I didn't want to think much before doing it, so I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and jumped.
I was waiting for my collision with cold Hudson but as soon as I expected it to happen, it didn't. I found myself still hanging and then felt someone's hand around my waist. I opened my eyes and looked down and then up. I was still hanging from the bridge. Someone had caught me. I couldn't see the face who it was but I heard a voice which made it clear that it was a guy. I heard him say, "I have got you."
"Let go off me!" I struggled to let loose from his grip around my waist but it was firm. Infact, too firm.
"Trust me, you wouldn't want to get down there." His voice seemed familiar. I turned my head up to try to see his face. From the street lights that lighted his face, I could only tell that he was someone I knew but wasn't sure as his face was barely discernible in the gloom.
"And why should I trust a stranger? Who are you? Let go off me." I once again shouted.
"Because I know how cold the water will be and I know what it will feel like." Who is he? I kept asking myself, trying to recall his face but my mind was too busy to think what he just said. I asked him, "How cold?"
"Umm, quite like freezing!"
Freezing. Oh my!
"How will it feel like?" I asked hesitantly.
"Like thousands of knives going through you, all at once." He said slowly, as if he was feeling what he was saying.
Jesus Christ!
I didn't say anything for a while. He understood my silence and asked, "Do you still want me to let go off?"
"No." I squeaked.
"Do you want me to pull you up?"
I nodded a yes with my head.
"Okay" he said.
"Now listen to me, Alice. I need you to push yourself up so that it becomes a little easy for me to pull you back."
Alice! How does he know my name. Could he be Theo? No, why would he be here? He is back there in Seattle or maybe Houston because his college will not open until July end. So he would definitely be at home.
"Alice?" He called my name when I didn't answer back.
"Yeah, yeah okay!"
I tried and pulled myself up. He turned me around to face him. As I was pulled a little up, I grabbed the railings to make myself a little light for the guy. Now I could pull myself up a little more easily. After making efforts for about next five minutes, I finally, I mean we finally made up back to the sidewalk of the bridge.
I sat down with my back taking support from the railings and head down in my hands, on my bent knees, taking everything in that just happened.
"Alice Savatore, what do you think you were doing? Do you know how crazy it was? I never thought you were such a coward."
Who the hell is he, talking to me like that and calling me a coward? How dare he? I turned up and shouted, "Who the hell are you?"
"Your all time lover, baby!" and saying this he stood right under a street light so that I could see his face properly.
"No ways! Neil. Neil Moseby? What are you doing here? You were in London, right?"
Fùcking shit! Life is too unpredictable. Neil Moseby was one of my childhood friends. Well, then we grew up and never talked. He even left for London for studies. It was only when I came to grade ten, I got to know that Neil liked me. I didn't even remember him then. He irritated me and I was far, far away from love and stuff. But 2-3 years later, we got back in touch through Facebook and exchanged our numbers and became friends again. Although, he still liked me, infact loved me like crazy, but I could never reciprocate the same feelings. I felt the same way for Theo and always saw Neil only as a good friend.
"You have no idea, Neil. You have no fùcking idea what I am going through." I couldn't control my tears.
"Oh! Alice! No, please don't cry. Please. I can't see you like this. I know what all happened with you. But don't you want to know how I knew you were here?" I know he just tried to lighten my mood and distracted me from the sad feelings rushing in.
"Ofcourse, I do. I have been thinking that. Tell me. Tell me everything! What are you doing here? How did you find me? I don't think it was just a mere coincidence because with you coincidences doesn't happen." I smiled, after so long. I felt a little better compared to the past few weeks.
"Woo-oh! All at once, Miss Fasty-pants, huh? You really want to talk here? You know anytime we could be joined by the cops. And, I am feeling very hungry. Let's also get you back home. Your friends must be worried and I am tired!"
"My friends? What friends? You met them? Who?"
I was cut off in between when he kept his fingers on my lips to make me quiet. I felt a little uncomfortable and backed off.
"Sorry." He said as he realised. "Will you keep quiet till we reach home, please?" I nodded a yes but from inside I just felt it could be impossible, as after so long I wanted to talk and shout. But since his face gave away his tiredness, I thought it would be better not to bother him with the questions going on in my mind. We looked for a cab and found one. Neil instantly asked the driver, "Pinehurst Appartments, Hudson Heights."
"How do you know?" I asked all surprised.
He simply kept his finger on his lips and motioned me to keep quiet. I nodded with eye rolls. It was a quiet journey till we reached my appartment. He was all serious all the way. I wondered what he was thinking but controlled myself from not asking anything till we got into the appartment.
His phone buzzed and he took the call. "Yes, we are almost there.. Don't worry.. Yes everything is okay.. Yes, yes she is fine.. See you." and the call ended. I was about to ask who it was but he already raised his hand giving me the don't-you-think-about-it look. I shrugged my shoulders in surrender.
As we reached and I stepped out of the cab, I saw Susan running towards me. She looked very pale. Behind her were Serene and Zia. I had hardly opened my mouth to speak when Susan slapped me.
"What the..!" I shouted when she landed another slap on my cheek.
"No, Alice! No! I should be the one saying what the hell. How dare you?"
I knew what she was talking about. I had tears rolling over my now red cheeks because of the slaps. Zia came and hugged me. "Oh, Thankgod you're okay Allie. We were so worried."
"Never do that again, never!" I had never seen Serene in anger before. Well, I was never even slapped by Susan. So, two firsts today!
All three of them hugged me. "Now, can we go? Someone here is hungry." I pointed towards Neil. They backed off and went to hug Neil.
"Thank you so much, Neil. It would never have been possible without you. You're really an angel. You made your entrance right on time, just like a hero." I glared at Susan for the last line. She knew what Neil felt about me. How can she do that? She returned me an 'oh-cummon-now' look.
"Come, let's go and eat!"
I had so many answers to know from Neil. And for that, I will have to feed him first. He was hungry after all and my saviour too. I should feed my saviour at the least.
____________________________
It was 4 in the morning when we finished eating. I don't know after how long I did not feel alone. I laughed and smiled every now and then.
"Neil, now you've to tell me."
"Tell you what?" He asked surprisingly as if I spoke something he has never heard of.
"All my questions!" I snapped at him.
"Oh! Well baby, for that we both will have to work out together." And there was his signature smirk.
"First of all, don't call me 'baby'. There is only one person who can call me that. Second and last, what do you mean by we both will have to work out?"
"Tee-o, I know! And for the latter, I will answer my question only if you will answer mine. One question for one of your answer, deal?"
"Its not tee-o, okay! It's Theo. And no, its not a deal. Where did that come from? Why would I answer your questions?"
"Tee-o, Teo or whatever! And, it came straight out of my mouth. Why would you answer my questions? Hmm, nice point! But also makes me think why would I answer to your questions? It goes the same way."
I stamped my foot and walked into my room and shouted from there, "Fine! Then don't. You can sleep in the guest room. Good night." Saying this I slammed the door.
I heard Susan, Serene and Zia leave wishing me from the living room itself. I know they were happy to see me back in form. "Good night, guys. See you tomorrow at college." I peeked out a little from behind my room's door.
"Babe, its sunday tomorrow! But anyways see you tomorrow." Serene chirped.
"Oh, yeah! Then, see you tomorrow." and I went back into the room.
"Bye, Neil!" I heard a unison from the three friends of mine. I heard Neil locking the door and heading towards the guest room. As he shut the door, I relaxed a bit.
How stupid it was of me to try to finish my life? It was my mom and dad's gift to me. How could have I done that? I decided to get back to normal and lock up all my pain and sorrows in my heart. I decided to close my heart forever and never let anybody in. I would not let my guard down from now on so that no one could leave me or hurt me. I made up mymind to use my heart less and not to care about anyone else but me.
Finally, I was now ready to sleep after such a hectic night. Since, it was Sunday tomorrow, I could sleep till late and complete my proper eight hours sleep.