And so I stay outside and I couldn't be happier with this decision as I feel the weight falling off my chest.
I look up at the sky and the moment I close my eyes I feel the first snowflakes landing on my face. A bright smile beames on my face and I start to laugh out loud. And I don't stifle the noises coming out of my mouth as I start to spin around in circles.
In minutes it's full-on snowing and I grin because the kids are safe and this is the first time it's snowing in New York this winter.
My first New Yorker snow. It's officially winter, baby. I feel like a little kid as I start to jump in the snow and even though it's not even cold I am rubbing my hands against each other as I am excited to show Kaden that I am the best person to make snowballs.
And that he will cry getting them in my face. I let out another giggle as I think about his grimace.
"And maybe we got lost in translation. Maybe I asked for too much but maybe this thing was a masterpiece..."
From my full-blown singing to my voice dropping it only takes seconds.
From me jumping like a enthusiastic kid to my legs freezing to the ground it only takes Kaden's look as he suddenly stands only a few feet away from me.
I didn't even notice him approaching me but then he is standing in front of me, his face on his palms that he holds low in front of him.
His gaze travels to mine and I want to ask what's wrong but nothing comes out and neither seems like he can speak.
He drops his hands and for a moment he just stares at me.
"Aleandra." There is a tremor running through his voice.
"I walked inside. I-I wanted to get my scarf, right? And everything was fine before, right?"
"Kaden?"
"We were inside for over two hours and they were fine, right?"
"Right?" He starts to raise his trembling voice as I don't reply but not at me but somehow at himself. His
I take fast steps towards him but don't touch him to find out what he needs.
"Yeah, but I don't understand."
"There were so many pills in his hands. He had like 20 bottles, he could barely carry them. Oxycodone. I don't get it. He is a teenager, why does a teenager have so many bottles of such a strong opioid often used for moderate to severe pain relief in his hands? And hydromorphone. He carried fentanyl, Ally. Fentanyl and arnica cream. He had arnica cream, Aleandra." He looks at me with pleading eyes.
"Who? Elias?"
He just nods.
"I surprised him. He tried to hide them from me and said Elizabeth already took a nap. I saw it in his face. He was terrified. I swear those pills were not for her or her husband. I didn't know what to do."
His voice starts to shake and then his entire posture starts to weaken and he tries to stand but his legs are so wobbly he has to lean onto me.
I start to lose my balance and only with much luck I can catch us without us crashing completely onto the hard ground. I pull us onto the side of the road.
"He-he begged me with his eyes to not tell anyone."I have to listen carefully to even catch his words because it sounds like his lungs closing in.
As I lay on the cold floor, cradling him, my heart pounds in rhythm with his erratic breaths. The chill seeping through my body feels insignificant compared to the overwhelming surge of concern and empathy I have for Kaden at this moment. I can feel the weight of his trembling body against mine, his muscles tense and rigid. His rapid gasps for air cut through the silence, echoing with the unmistakable sound of distress. The intensity of his panic envelopes us both, creating an atmosphere charged with fear and helplessness.
My arms instinctively wrap around him, providing a semblance of comfort and security. I can sense his desperation, the way he clings to me as if I'm his lifeline in the midst of a turbulent storm. His pulse thrums against my fingertips, a tangible reminder of the palpable anxiety coursing through his veins. Time seems to slow down as I whisper soothing words, attempting to anchor him in the present moment.
"It's ok. Graham. Not your fault. Not your fault, baby." I try not to choke out the words as tears fill my eyes.
I try to match my breathing with his, a silent invitation for him to find solace in my steadiness. With each exhalation, I hope to guide him toward a sense of calm and tranquility.
His body convulses with occasional shudders as if struggling to contain the overwhelming surge of emotions within. I hold him tighter, providing physical reassurance that he is not alone in this battle. I try to keep my voice steady but I fail miserably.
In his eyes, I see a mixture of fear, vulnerability, and an unspoken plea for understanding. I lock gazes with him, offering a silent promise that I am here, fully present and committed to weathering this storm by his side. I become his anchor, grounding him in the reality beyond the turmoil of his panic.
I have forgotten about all the tricks I should have known from countless therapy sessions but as the panic attack gradually subsides, I feel a small sense of relief wash over both of us. His breaths begin to slow, and the tension in his body gradually releases. I continue to hold him gently, providing a safe space for him to recover and regain his composure.
"How didn't I see it? How did I miss it, again? I just ran. I left him again. I left Luke alone, again." He croaks out, a single tear sliding down his cheek. I press a soft kiss to his temple.
I ignore the questions that come up and just hug him tighter.
"I promise you, you didn't miss anything. You did alright. I am so proud of you, Kaden. So proud."
"You were right. They are getting abused. There is something awful happening in this house." He speaks it out aloud and my heart breaks, my breath shaking.
I just nod, staring into the darkness.
"We are getting them out of there."
"Yes, Ally. Or God help me, I will get those monsters out of there and rip them in half and shove those damn pills down their throats." His deep voice sends a shiver down my spine.
I am glad his panic attack subsided but he is far from feeling better. I don't know which version is hurting him more.
~~~~~
As I slowly open my eyes, the drowsiness clings to me like a heavy fog. Blinking away the remnants of sleep, I find myself in an unfamiliar bed, disoriented and slightly confused.
A sense of restlessness lingers within me as if I haven't slept nearly enough. My body feels weary, the fatigue evident in every fiber. It's as if the night slipped through my fingers, leaving me in a state of groggy disconnection.
The sheets beneath me are cool against my skin, a stark contrast to the warmth I crave. I can't help but wonder how I ended up here, in this unfamiliar place, and a flicker of unease dances at the edge of my consciousness. I slide them off me and as my feet settle on the ground and I look around, everything comes rushing back.
The cold. The fear. The panic. The calmness before the storm.
I take a look at myself in the mirror as I walk by only to remember I couldn't remove my makeup yesterday, my mascara staining my upper cheeks, and a few pimples making their way up into not-welcome areas.
I suffered from acne even before hitting puberty, there were so many infections on my face, there wasn't a healed spot. I had tried everything, sometimes the frustration ran so deep I almost scrubbed my face off, only to regret it even more, when I couldn't sleep on my cheeks from the intense burning. Only through medication, my skin healed and even then I was so self conscious I tried to hide my face from everyone. Including my family.
Then depression kept me from using makeup and suddenly there were other concerns. And even if my 13-year-old me wouldn't believe me there are so many worse things. It was unfair and painful and valid how I felt but goddamnit it was just skin.
So I put my hair out of my face so it doesn't get even more smeared with makeup and walk down the hall.
Because when the bald-headed 60-year-old headmaster of my high school wrongly assumed that girls were solely preoccupied with their looks 24/7, I proudly defy that notion.
Because here's the truth: there are countless significant endeavors that demand our attention.
While it's true that I occasionally ponder those pesky insecurities and indulge in a bit of self-care, my passions extend far beyond appearances. I am equally talented and dedicated to pursuits that ignite my soul.
And I need to get them out of there.
Because justice wasn't invented by some dude, it was always intended for me and you.
~~~~~~~~~~
Those chapters were really different, I hope you still enjoyed. We are getting to the exciting parts:)