CADEN
I think I might be sinking as someone knocks at the car window. I didn't hear it the first time. Not with the sobs.
She's gone.
She's gone. And it's my fault.
I look up and discover Jacob, standing in front of the window, pointing toward the locked door for me to open it. I roll my eyes annoyed and open the door for him. I could see a small grin on his face, before he enters, closes the door behind him and his face remains blank.
We stand in silence for a few minutes. Me crying on the driver's seat, Jacob analyzing me from the passenger's one. He doesn't say anything. Which is for the best.
When I can't have the silence between us anymore, I whisper: "She's gone." It was a whisper at first, since I didn't want to say it out loud. Saying it out loud would mean making it real. And I was still hoping it was all a nightmare.
Not anymore. She really is gone.
"She's gone", I'm screaming now. "I fucked up. And she's gone."
Jacob only nods, as if he would already know. I raise an eyebrow at him, wanting him to explain how did he know. He gets the hint and continues.
"Sofia came to the frat party a few minutes ago. Everyone knows she isn't allowed to because of the palace. I figured out that if she came, something must have happened."
Right. I don't want to imagine how Nini must be feeling now, if Sofia broke the law to come here.
It's all my fault. Her pain is my fault.
I scream again and Jacob only looks at me worried, being there for me. I take it as a silent invitation and scream my guts out. I scream until my lungs hurt, my throat hurts, my head hurts...Nothing as much as my heart hurts though.
When I'm done screaming, Jacob takes a deep breath and asks: "So, what are you going to do now?"
I look at him confused. He gets the hint and explains. "About Nini."
"She wants me gone. She wants me to never come close to her. And honestly, can you blame her? Not after what I did. She deserves someone much better than me."
Jacob's eyes are so wide, they might fall off any second now: "Are you kidding me?! Dude, that's not how you get the girl. Are you honestly telling me you watched months of romcoms and didn't learn a single thing?"
"What are you talking about?" I ask him, still having no idea what he's talking about.
"Groveling, man. Groveling."
I still look at him the same way I look at quantum physics. With no damn clue.
"You really haven't learned anything", he adds, shaking his head disappointed. "Caden, look, as your best friend, I have to tell you three things", he begins and suddenly I am starting to worry. I've never heard him talk so honest before. He only continues: "First, you're an idiot."
I can't help but cough once. Did he seriously call me an idiot?!
He doesn't mind, only goes on: "You're an idiot for not ending this deal sooner. And for hurting Nini. She didn't deserve it."
A tear rolls down my face again. Because he's right. I know he is. Nini didn't deserve this. She only deserved the best. And what I gave her wasn't that.
"Second, it's clear you loved her a lot. Still do. Caden, I've seen you with girls before. But you were never like this. You look like you couldn't live without her. Man, you're in love. Which brings me to the third thing. Get your act together and win her back."
"How?!", I snap. "She won't even look at me anymore."
"I'm not saying it will be easy. You fucked up pretty bad. But, no matter how much time it will take, it will for sure be better than knowing you'll never have her again."
I look at him still confused, and he only nods once, to encourage me.
"But, I don't even know how to begin. I screwed up so bad."
"I know. But we'll figure it out. Together. We'll get you your girl back."
I can hardly stop a chuckle. Jacob notices and his mouth twitches.
"But, you still remain an idiot", he adds after a while. The chuckle reappears.
"I know."
"I'll buy you a mug. World's worst idiot."
"You prick!"
"Shut up, you love me! You wouldn't survive one week without me."
"I wouldn't say a week. Five days tops."
"Idiot", he hisses, but it's clear he's amused.
"Are you going back to the party?", he asks me after a while. I raise my shoulders.
"Are you?"
"I'm doing whatever you're doing."
I nod at him thankfully.
"Then, let's skip the party", I say few seconds later. Jacob only nods in agreement.
I start driving us around the city, trying to force my thoughts away with the city lights. It doesn't work though. All I can see are her eyes. The sparkle in them. I remember the late night drives we made, in which she's asked me to pull over so she can kiss me. I remember laughing with her until two in the morning.
We just passed the cinema I once took her on a date. I remember how we entered inside, both soaking wet from the rain. We couldn't stop laughing. I gave her my hoodie and tried my best to make her feel warm again. I remember us sharing popcorn and commenting the movie scenes. I remember her taking out a Polaroid from her little backpack and making photos of us after the movie. She was in my hoodie, a skirt and some black boots. I was only in a T-Shirt, a pair of jeans and some sneakers. We didn't necessarily dress up. I never asked her to dress up fancy for our dates. She was stunning just the way she was. I didn't need lots of clothes and makeup to see that. I just needed her.
I remember how I took her hand that night and spun her around. I remember how she came close and kissed me.
I remember how I told her I would never hurt her.
I remember how I told her I loved her.
I remember it all, and the pain in my chest starts growing, making me hardly breath.
Jacob notices and shouts: "Pull over."
I do as he said. I start shivering and I can't feel my lungs anymore.
I can't breathe.
I need her.
I can't breathe.
"Name me three things you see", Jacob says, and I don't know where that came from all of a sudden.
"What the..."
I can't breathe.
"Do it", Jacob says.
"I don't know. You. The car. The buildings."
"Now three sounds", Jacob continues. I give him another what-the-hell look.
I can't breathe.
I decide to please him and try to focus on the world around me.
"The radio", I say and the music that was playing in the background becomes more hearable. "The car honks", I continue, wondering why people are honking. It's almost midnight.
I can't br-
"Your ringtone", I say, pointing out the fact Jacob's phone just started ringing and Paper Rings filled our car. He rejects the call and sets his phone on silent.
"Now move your arm", he continues.
I can't-
I do as he said.
"Your fingers", he adds.
I ca-
I do as he said.
"And your neck."
I-
I can feel my lungs again. I can feel the air. It's cold and it cuts and it hurts and I'm drowning and I'm sinking and I want to run and I want to hold her close and I want to run my hand through her hair and I want to kiss her and I want to tell her the whole truth and I want to let her know what she means to me...
But I can breathe.
"Thank you", I whisper to Jacob. He nods as if it were obvious he would do something like that.
Yet it's not.
And I know it's not. And I understand what a good friend he is.
"I need her", I whisper after a while. "I need her."