𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐎𝐍𝐄, xolo...

By -achillesheeI

15.9K 714 412

extended summary inside! in which maeve tanner and xolo maridueña are proof that hate and love are not so di... More

o. the last one
one. am i bovvered
two. if i was that pretty i'd be kind of mean too
three. that's not very feminist of you
four. caffeine and spite
five. a digital footprint rivalled by only that of medusa
six. if you ruin my kissing career
seven. i can take constructive criticism
eight. this is courtney henggeler's show
nine. i can't believe you masterminded me
ten. you could sell your arm for a good few thousand now
eleven. now's the time to add her on pokémon go
twelve. strong platonic feelings
thirteen. let me know when to expect to be shanked for being team jacob
fourteen. short and emotionally inarticulate
fifteen. the permanent evidence of your own stupidity
sixteen. invisible strings my dear
seventeen. i am an absolute fucking fool
eighteen. at least you're self aware
nineteen. he's heartbroken over the betrayal of jake gyllenhaal
twenty. i think ones stabbing me in the ass right now
twenty one. get in the bed and see what happens
twenty two. i wanted my career just to be nepo brother
twenty three. will i get to witness ralph macchio playing beerio kart
twenty four. this is a hoes before bros world
twenty five. maybe distance would make the heart fonder
twenty seven. what do i know of oregon
twenty eight. latino boys anonymous
twenty nine. if this pub quiz ends my relationship
thirty. you are the hottest evil genius ever

twenty six. don't back to december me

418 25 17
By -achillesheeI

XOLITO🩷

XOLITO🩷
maevey

MAVERICK💜
no

XOLITO🩷
maevey
i may have done something

MAVERICK💜
you mean hard launch our
relationship on your podcast
because you can't resist talking
about how awesome i am

XOLITO🩷
i distinctly remember the
conversation being talking about
your red flags
but yeah something like that

MAVERICK💜
i actually have zero red flags

XOLITO🩷
it feels like a red flag that i
don't know if you're mad at
me right now or not

MAVERICK💜
oh i'm not
well

XOLITO🩷
what do you mean well

MAVERICK💜
i'm not mad that people are
now aware that i'm dating you
i'm a little pissed people know
i have a podcast boyfriend though

XOLITO🩷
what's wrong with having a
podcast boyfriend :(

MAVERICK💜
what isn't wrong with having a
podcast boyfriend

XOLITO🩷
i wouldn't know i don't have a
podcast boyfriend

MAVERICK💜
no you have a songwriting
girlfriend who could wreak havoc
on your existence though

XOLITO🩷
please don't write angry songs
about me
don't john mayer me please i'm
only a year older than you

MAVERICK💜
a year and two months
if you were going to be a taylor
ex of mine you'd probably be
taylor lautner

XOLITO🩷
hold up
didn't taylor break up with taylor
that got confusing
you know what i mean
back to december boy
what are you trying to say
why am i not your joe alwyn

MAVERICK💜
your taylor knowledge has
progressed so much i did such a
good job :)

XOLITO🩷
maeve
that is not the point
why am i taylor lautner
please don't back to december
me

MAVERICK💜
i suppose i should probably go
address the fact you announced
we're dating now

XOLITO🩷
MAEVE

MAVERICK💜
the podcast boyfriend accusations
might just get me cancelled </3

XOLITO🩷
MAEVE
PLEASE

MAVERICK💜
don't sweat it xolito you're not
back to december
you can be call it what you want
if you like

XOLITO🩷
but X is a really dumb initial
to have on a necklace

MAVERICK💜
you're so right maybe i should
midnight rain you

XOLITO🩷
MAEVEY PLEASE

MAVERICK💜
where are you anyway we just
collected our bags

XOLITO🩷
i'm in the short stay round the front
once i pick you up will you please
confirm you're not planning on
breaking up with me

MAVERICK💜
but it's so much more fun to keep you
on your toes

☆☆☆

MAEVETANNER

LIKED BY TAIYOCURTIS AND OTHERS
MAEVETANNER using the podcast boyfriend clickbait to get u all to pre-order mine and taiyo's december editions of vogue 😍😍

TAGGED: TAIYOCURTIS, VOGUE

VIEW ALL COMMENTS

USERONE IS THIS A CONFESSION

USERTWO real as fuck of you, you look so good

TAIYOCURTIS gonna need you to speak up and take accountability girl :/
MAEVETANNER shut up taiyo you're getting clout from my relationship :/

USERTHREE they're official i'm so happy !!!!

CASPIANCOOP so happy for u!! (not about the podcast boyfriend bit that's so unfortunate)

USERFOUR insulting him during her hard launch is so on brand

USERFIVE who cares about xolo i'm preordering rn🥰
MAEVETANNER my real fans <3

HAVENANGELICA podcast boys are gross
THEJACOBBERTRAND you wound me

USERSIX THE LEGENDS IN VOGUE OMG

USERSEVEN mother and father
TAIYOCURTIS hopefully you are referring to maeve and xolo and not me and maeve

LACYABU MAEVE THESE PHOTOS ARE EVERYTHING🩷

USEREIGHT what happened to never ever kissing him again
MAEVETANNER shut up don't talk about it

USERNINE now it's official i am desperately in need of some content

XOLO_MARIDUENA MAEVE CAN YOU PLEASE PROMISE ME I'M NOT TAYLOR LAUTNER
USERTEN excuse me
MAEVETANNER hmm
MAEVETANNER let me ask our relationship counsellor
MAEVETANNER caspian?
XOLO_MARIDUENA WHY IS CASPIAN OUR RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLOR
CASPAINCOOP well he can't be call it what you want because X is a super dumb initial for a necklace
XOLO_MARIDUENA thank you i said that
LACYABU oh come on maevey we all know he's your daylight
CASPIANCOOP she's right
MAEVETANNER fine. i promise.
XOLO_MARIDUENA THANK GOD
USERELEVEN i am so here for swiftie xolo he's been converted

☆☆☆

STRAWBERRY WINE ENTHUSIASTS🥂
seven participants

COOPER #2
well
congrats on the hard launch ig

THE INTERNET
definitely wasn't my plan for the day

THE INTERNET'S BOYFRIEND
it wasn't my plan either okay
it just happened

THE INTERNET
i've heard that before

PONYBOY CURTIS
WOAAAAAHH OKAY TMI
don't get all gross on us now that
you're out and proud

THE INTERNET
no idea where you got the idea that
i'm proud of having a podcast
boyfriend

COOPER #2
real

JSTB
#stoppodcastboyfriendslander

SHOELACE
correct me if i'm wrong
(i'm not)
but maeve you literally could not
be prouder of xolo if you tried
even if you hide it
we all know you're his biggest fan

COOPER #1
that's true as fuck
taiyo was telling me she has post
notifications on for all his projects
on instagram

THE INTERNET
that's disgusting
possibly true
but disgusting

COOPER #2
girl we all know you'd be the only
person at his show if it came to it

THE INTERNET'S BOYFRIEND
surely that analogy works better the
other way around since maeve is the
one who performs shows yknow

COOPER #2
shut up xolo it's a metaphor

PONYBOY CURTIS
and we all know there would never only
be one person at maeve's shows

JTSB
i know
i tried so hard to get tickets
i didn't even get presale :(

THE INTERNET
awh jacoby
but also
i could've just given you a friends and
family pass??

COOPER #1
that was an option ?

JSTB
we're FRIENDS??
BOY AM I MOVING UP IN THE
WORLD

THE INTERNET'S BOYFRIEND
i'm not sure i like what taiyo is
implying

PONYBOY CURTIS
what i'm implying is that xolo fell
first maeve fell harder

THE INTERNET
don't ever accuse me of such atrocities
again

COOPER #2
eh i think its a pretty even split
you should see how enamoured xolo is
over her

JSTB
oh it's disgusting i've never seen
someone so googoo eyes
except me
over haven
of course

COOPER #1
ew

SHOELACE
anyway
congrats on being the newest celeb
couple

THE INTERNET
xolo just so you know we're going to be
fake fighting every single week for the
tabloids

THE INTERNET'S BOYFRIEND
wouldn't have it any other way

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