The boardwalk is too jam-packed, so Grayson and I head over to the fair, which is also pretty crowded, but at least there's more to do.
"You said I could ask for anything, right?" I smile mischievously as Grayson and I work our way through the crowds.
He looks at me suspiciously. "I said that, yes."
I point to one of the giant bears hanging from almost every carnival game. "I've always wanted a guy to win me one of those."
Grayson smiles at that. "Liam never had any luck?"
I roll my eyes at the mention of his name. "No. Liam's ideal date was a movie in his basement with all his boys with us."
"Oh? So, this is a date?" Grayson smirks.
"It can be whatever we want it to be. As long as you don't try to feel me up."
Grayson throws an arm over my shoulder, chuckling. "I can't make any promises," he jokes.
— — —
It's night now, the air slightly colder and the sky clear of clouds. Grayson and I have spent pretty much the entire day at the fair.
We're walking back to the boardwalk, side by side, through the crowds. I'm carrying the big plush bear he won me, and my feet feel tired from walking all day.
Today has been ... fun. Special. Grayson and I played so many games, ate fries, went on almost every ride, and ate so much cotton candy my stomach still hurts from all the sugar. It was nice to have fun and forget about everything that had happened for a few hours.
"Come on." I tug on the sleeve of his T-shirt. "The fireworks are going to start soon."
"I don't want to go back to the beach," he says. "It's too crowded."
His hand finds mine, interlocking our fingers together, and I feel a swarm of butterflies in my stomach.
Grayson starts to walk in the opposite direction of where all the people are heading.
"Grayson, we should really go back to the beach," I tell him, trying to slow us down. He ignores me and pulls me forward with his hand in mine. "We've already been gone for hours."
"Trust me," he says, looking back at me. "We'll get a much better view of the fireworks over there." He points over the lighthouse, far, far away from the rest of the beach.
"I'm pretty sure that's off-limits," I say.
Grayson smirks at me, making my stomach feel like it just did somersaults. "Perfect."
I hoist my bear higher up in my arm as Grayson continues to pull me forward with my hand. The lighthouse is empty, and I'm suddenly hit with a feeling of nervousness. I'm here with him, alone. I mean, I'm alone with him a lot, but this is different. This is entirely secluded.
We make it to the top of the lighthouse, and Grayson sits down, letting his legs dangle over the ledge. He rests his forearms on the metal rung and stares into the ocean, the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore filling up the quiet.
I join him and set my bear down beside me. "What should I name him?"
Grayson shrugs, and I realize his mood has completely shifted.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"I'm fine, Layla."
I slide a hand over his back, and he exhales. I continue to rub his back for a while as we watch the waves, trying to comfort him.
"I'm going back to Hale's house tomorrow to pack my stuff, so I'll see you Thursday before I leave."
I brush my thumb over the nape of his neck. "Hale's house? Is that not your home, Grayson?" I ask softly.
His jaw clenches as he closes his eyes. "I don't have a home," he says quietly. "I don't think I ever had one."
I rest my head on his shoulder, sliding my arms around his body. "Home doesn't have to be a place."
Grayson sighs, wrapping his arm around my shoulder, drawing me close. He places a kiss on the side of my head. We stay that way for a long time, from the first firework to the very last.
"Are you scared?"
He nods, tears threatening his eyes.
"Of what?"
"That I won't hate him. Despite everything." A tear slides down his cheek. "That I'll see parts of myself in him."
I reach up, wiping his tear away. "You are not him, Grayson."
He smiles at that, sad, sniffling. "You don't even know who I am. You don't know what I want. You don't know what lines I'd cross to get what I want."
"I'm sitting here, and I'm not going anywhere. Why don't you tell me?"
He closes his eyes, and the tears dry. "I want them to pay."
"Who?"
"Those who hurt me. Those who hurt people. The ones who ever laid a hand or a word. On me. On girls. On guys. On anyone who wasn't strong enough to protect themselves."
"Grayson." My heart aches. "You're carrying around this huge burden. It's not your responsibility."
"What if it is?" He swallows. "Layla, I watched. And I did nothing. I'm not sitting back and watching anymore."
My throat burns. "You were just a kid."
"I could have done something."
"What would you have done?"
He goes quiet, wiping his eyes to clear away any remaining tears, and stares into the distance. Then he gets up and walks over to the other side of the lantern room, and I realize something has changed. I follow him.
"You're getting back at all these people because of what they've done? Getting revenge? Grayson, you're starting to set a lot of fires in this town. You're putting yourself in danger. Just look at what happened last night."
"I don't need you to lecture me." His tone is clipped.
I walk up to him. "I'm not trying to lecture you. I'm trying to make sure you're safe. People don't like you enough already."
Grayson scoffs. "Don't worry about me."
"Don't do that."
He faces me, angry. "Okay then, go back to your mom and Hale right now and tell them. Tell them you kissed me. Tell them how you feel. Tell your family that your ex-boyfriend was a piece of shit who cheated on you."
I shake my head, my eyes burning. "What are you saying? That has nothing to do with what I'm talking to you about."
"Of course it does. You can worry about me, but it doesn't mean anything if all I'm going to be is another one of your little secrets. Something you're too afraid to say out loud because then it's real. You either want me or you don't, Layla. For real. Because I don't hide. I've never fucking hid, and I won't start now."
"Fine," I scoff, heading back to grab my bear from where I set it. "You can stand in plain sight with a target on your back. Ask me if I give a fuck."
I storm downstairs and across the beach, angrier than I've been in a long time. He was starting to open up and then closed himself off with coldness, and I had to be at the receiving end of it.
Sometimes the truth hurts, Layla.
I halt with realization, sand flying into my shoes. He's right. I'm keeping him at arm's length because I'm afraid. Because I don't want to be hurt again. And maybe if he's a secret, if none of it is real, things won't hurt as bad in the end.
Am I ready for that hurt again? The pain? The jarring realization that I'm not enough, again and again? No. I'm not. I'm not strong enough to bear it.
Not again.
— — —
It's Thursday. Today is the day Grayson will leave with my Grandpa. I haven't spoken to him since the lighthouse. Yesterday he was gone the whole day, so I didn't get to see or talk to him.
I need to talk to him.
I've spent the morning and afternoon figuring out what to say. He's leaving in less than an hour, and I still struggle to work up the courage.
"Channing Tatum is so hot in this movie," Iris laughs. She's The Man is playing on the TV in the living room.
"Don't you have a boyfriend now?" Brett asks from the other couch.
"So? I can't appreciate Mr. Tatum's beauty?"
Brett chuckles. "I'm telling Baker."
As Grandpa walks into the living room, Iris sticks her tongue out at her brother. "I'm heading off to the airport now. I'll see you kids in a few days."
"Already?" I ask.
Grandpa kisses Iris on the head and hugs Brett. "Yeah, Gray wants to get there early in case of trouble."
Shit. I need to talk to him, like now.
Grandpa notices the look on my face as I get up from the couch. "He's upstairs in his room," he tells me quietly.
I nod and smile as quick thanks. Then I proceed to work my way upstairs. Nervousness settles in my stomach as I take each step up.
I slowly walk through the hallways and find Grayson's bedroom door open. He zips up his bag and tosses it over his shoulder, his back to me.
"Hey," I say.
He turns to look at me, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "Hey."
"So ... you're leaving?"
"Yeah," he nods.
As I step into his room, I don't know what to do with my hands, so I let them awkwardly hang at my sides. "Listen, I wanted to talk to you about the other night."
"Okay."
"I'm sorry. About what I said. I didn't mean it."
He dips his head. "Okay."
"Um ... I guess you were right. I don't really know what's going on between us, Grayson. But I'll be your friend if you want me to be. Because I like you, and I'd like to be around you. But I can't be any more than that. Your uncle is marrying my mom, and everything can get mixed up ..."
I pause for a moment, realizing I'm heading off track. "I believe it would be better if we just remained ... platonic."
"Okay."
I blow out a breath. "Is there anything you want to say?"
He shakes his head. "No."
"Okay," I quickly nod. "Well, have a safe flight, and I'll see you when you return."
He walks over to me until he's standing right before me, cups my face in his hands, and brings his lips down on mine, kissing me slowly. I freeze. Shocked.
But I close my eyes and let him kiss me, his lips moving against mine in slow torture for another moment before I push him away.
"Why did you do that?"
Grayson smirks, stepping back, making me feel things I'm trying hard not to. "I wasn't going to leave without kissing you one last time. Goodbye, Layla."
One last time. I hate the sound of that. But it must be done.
My fingers fly up to my lips as he leaves me in the silence of his bedroom.
-
(pls don't be mad at me 😙)