A deep frown was evident on my face. My arms were crossed against my chest and my lips were quivering because of the unclassified emotion that was blossoming inside my chest. I was looking right through the car's window, staring at the gate of our house.
"Hey," hinawakan niya ang braso ko pero inilayo ko lang ang katawan ko mula sa kanya. Sinubukan niya ulit humawak sa akin para tawagin ang atensyon ko pero hinawi ko na ang kamay niya palayo sa akin. "Hey,"
"Babe," kumuyom ang mga panga ko. Inalis niya ang kamay sa braso ko pero inilipat niya iyon sa ilalim ng baba ko at marahan na iginalaw ang mukha ko para iharap iyon sa kanya. "Hey..." isa pang tawag niya at tsaka ko lang siya tiningnan sa mga mata.
"Avis, please don't be mad." nagsusumamo ang boses niya at bakas sa lungkot ang mga mata. Imbis na maawa ay mas lalo lang ako nakaramdam ng galit para sa kanya.
"How can I not be mad?" I snapped at him.
"Babe, I don't want us to fight." mahinang sambit niya at marahan na hinimas ang pisngi ko gamit ang daliri. Umiling ako at tinapik ang kamay niya palayo sa mukha ko.
"I don't want that too, pero ikaw na mismo ang nagbigay ng rason para awayin kita." nanginginig ang labi ko sa pagpipigil ng galit. "You're leaving in two weeks, Logan. And you're only telling me this now? Alam mo na pala last year pa lang pero bakit ngayon mo lang sa akin sinabi?"
"Because I know you'd act like this. I knew that this would happen." he answered like he was in pain. "I needed more time with you because I knew exactly what you'd do the moment you'll find out. That..."
"That I'd break up with you?" Logan flinched, closing his eyes like I've just shot him in the heart.
"Avis..." his plea was an answer enough.
"Alam mo ba kung gaano ka-unfair sa akin ng desisyon mo, Logan? You lied to me."
"I didn't lie to you-"
I sent him a death glare and that was enough to shut him up. Hindi pa ako tapos magsalita. "Lies can also be a product of silence, Logan. An act of omission is still a lie. And you didn't tell me you were leaving for good just because you didn't want me to dump your ass? Bullshit yon."
Logan was panicking. "I-It's not for good. Just... Until my dad gets better. I don't want... I don't want us to break up, Avis. I don't-I don't want this to end."
Tumaas ang isang kilay ko sa kanya. "You ended this relationship the moment you said you're gonna leave."
"Avis, no..." he unbuckled his seatbelt and scooted closer to reach for my face with both of hi hands. "Please, Avis. We can still be together. We can be in a long distance relationship. It will work. I will make it work. I'll fly monthly, we'll chat or call, we can skype or facetime... Avis, just don't break up with me."
Tinitingnan niya ang buong mukha ko na parang may hinahanap. Pumikit siya ng mariin na parang nahihirapan. Idinikit niya ang noo sa akin. "I love you. I'm so in love with you."
I held my breath. My body froze and I couldn't move.
Ilang beses ko na narinig iyon mula sa kanya pero hindi pa rin ako sanay. Palaging ganito ang nagiging reaksyon ko. Sa tuwing sasabihin niya iyon ay ngingiti na lang ako, yayakapin siya o di kaya ay hahalikan. I never said it back and he never asked it from me.
Nanatili kaming hindi gumagalaw ng ilang segundo. Nang maigalaw ko na ang kamay ko ay inangat ko iyon para hawakan siya sa pisngi. I like Logan. Hindi siya mahirap magustuhan. He's not overbearing, he's sweet and caring pero hindi yung tipong nakakasawa, he's smart, he's handsome, and he can stand my cold, frank, and boring attitude. At isa pa, we've-we had been together for a year and almost eleven months. Hindi kami tatagal ng ganoon kung hindi ko siya nagustuhan.
"This is the first relationship that I've ever had, Logan. And if you'd ask me, I wouldn't mind you being the only one." dumilat ang mga mata ni Logan sa sinabi ko. Inalis niya ang mga kamay mula sa mukha ko at inalis ko rin ang kamay ko mula sa pisngi niya. "But asking me of something like this isn't fair. That kind of relationship is complicated. We'd both be constantly filled with doubts and mistrust. I don't want to be constantly waiting for our relationship to doom."
"Avis..." umiling-iling ako kay Logan at natahimik siya. Tiningnan niya ako na parang nawawalan na siya ng pag-asa. He already knows that my decision was absolute and that he couldn't change my mind.
I leaned in to Logan and pressed my lips against his. My eyes automatically closed. Kissing Logan is like kissing a wall. Not being he's not good at kissing but because I couldn't feel anything. Lust? Yes, definitely. But emotions that could thaw my cold and freezing heart? No, absolutely not. He doesn't have the power to make me melt.
The kiss that I gave him didn't involve tongue. Logan inserted all of his emotions in that kiss. I could feel his sadness, his grief, and desperation. I felt his longing. I felt all of it from him in just one kiss.
I broke away from him and gave him a wretched smile. I'd be lying if I'll say that I wasn't sad by this. He was still sitting next to me and yet I could already feel how I'll miss him. One year and almost eleven months of spending most of the time together will do that to you.
"Goodbye, Logan." my voice was soft, less unfeeling and cold than usual. Logan bit his lip. Something twinkled in his eyes. My heart clenched. He's trying hard to stop himself from crying.
I couldn't stay and not be broken by that sight. I was never good at confrontations like this. I've always avoided it because I knew that too much emotions could drown me.
Mabilis na lumabas ako mula sa sasakyan. Guilt would eat me alive if I'll see him cry. Ayaw ko ng nakakakita ng luha dahil nanghihina ako lagi kapag nakakakita ako ng ganoon. People think I'm strong because I was cold, but I'm only cold because I was too weak to face real emotions.
Pinindot ko na ang doorbell. Hinintay ko na buksan iyon nang biglang tawagin ni Logan ang pangalan ko. Tumalikod ako at nakita na nakababa ang isang bintana ng sasakyan niya. The front of our gate was elevated so I could see him without bending down.
"I'll come back for you. I promise you that." Narinig kong bumukas ang gate at binati ako ng guard pero hindi ko siya nilingon. Nanatili ang mga mata ko kay Logan at napangiti.
"We'll see." I exclaimed before turning my back and leaving him behind.
I wasn't able to sleep well because of what happened last night. Even my exploding ball of sunshine of a sister frowned when she saw me. Siguro ay dahil sa maitim ang ilalim ng mga mata ko.
"What's wrong with your face?" ngiwi niya sa akin at pinili ko na huwag siyang sagutin bago dumeretso sa dining area para kumain na ng breakfast. Pagkatapos bumati ng goodmorning ay hindi na ako nagsalita at tahimik na kumain na lang sa upuan ko.
Ang kapatid ko naman ay kabaliktaran ng katahimikan ko ngayong umaga dahil sa excited siya at puro kwento. She's excited because it would be her JS promenade within days. Saktong Valentine's Day ang kanilang prom. Perfect for couples. Naranasan naman niya ang prom last year pero mas excited siya dahil senior na siya ngayon.
Simula pa lang ng January ay kinulit na niya ako para samahan siyang kunin ang cocktail dress na ipinagawa niya kung sakaling hindi siya masasamahan ni Mommy.
Les is very persistent. She's good at charming people to get what she wants. Maging sa akin ay gumagana iyon. Just one pout and a right choice of words and she'll have me wrapped around her finger. Mana siya kay Mommy who's also good at convincing people into doing things that are against their will. She's very good at schemes too.
Sa sobrang galing niya ay napapayag niya ako na samahan siya after lunch sa mall. Kapag kasi hindi rin ako pumayag ay hindi niya ako titigilan. It's not a chore anyway. At isa pa, wala naman akong pasok ngayong araw na kukunin niya na ang pinagawang dress.
"Avis, when's your pre-registration for the next academic year?" tinawag ni Daddy ang atensyon ko. Hindi ko napansin na tumigil na pala si Les sa pagsasalita at nasa akin na ang mga mata nila.
"Uh, third week this month, I think?"
Tumango siya. "How about Logan?"
Napahinto ako sa pagkakabanggit ng pangalan ni Logan. I don't plan on lying to my parents. Sadyang hindi ko lang talaga alam kung paano sasabihin sa kanila ang nangyari.
I mentally took a deep breath before resuming my movements and casually scooping some food with my spoon and fork. "He's not going to study there anymore."
"What? Why not?" si mommy na ang nagsalita. Inangat ko ang tingin ko at nakita ang mga mukha nila. Nakakunot ang noo ni Daddy, si mommy ay bakas ang simangot sa mukha, si Les naman ay nakataas ang kilay.
"His father is ill and needs an advanced medical attention. They're moving to Massachusetts in two weeks."
Suminghap si Les. Nanlalaki ang mga mata niya. "Does that mean you two broke up?"
"Maria Celestine!" pagalit ni Daddy at ipinagdikit naman agad ni Les ang bibig niya. Tumingin silang lahat sa akin at mukhang hinihintay ang sagot ko. Huminga ako ng malalim at walang emosyon na umiling-iling sa kanila.
"Oh, honey." malungkot na sabi ni Mommy. Kumibit balikat ako.
"He suggested a long distance relationship but I knew it wouldn't work out."
"That's a lie. It worked out perfectly fine with me and your father. And we even only had one sided communication that time." panghahamon ni Mommy. Alam ko ang tungkol doon. Kabisado ko ang love story nila. It's the sweetest rollercoaster ride of a tale that I've ever heard in my life.
"I don't want to spend my time doubting, Mommy." I dryly answered.
"You'll only be doubtful if you don't give out your trust. But that's your decision. You're only nineteen, you still have a lot of frogs to kiss." my father cleared his throat. My mother sent him a playful and wicked grin before looking back at me. "If you two are meant to be, then it will be."
Hindi na ako sumagot pagkatapos noon at bumalik na lang ulit sa pagkain. Les started talking again and my all of the attention went back to her.
After lunch ay naligo na ako at nag-ayos para sa lakad namin ni Les. Natulog na rin ako saglit kaninang umaga bago mag lunch kaya hindi na ako mukhang zombie.
Puro kwento si Les at halos hindi ko na siya masundan sa kwento niya. I think she mentioned about an after party but she lost me in the middle because she doesn't stop talking. Her excitement was obvious. She can't shut her mouth when she's thrilled about something. Natahimik lang siya nang tumunog ang phone niya dahil sa isang text message. I was thankful for the silence.
Nang makarating sa boutique na nasa loob ng mall ay si Les ang kumausap sa staff. She handed me a paperbag that I didn't know she was holding because she's going to fit the dress for me. Hindi ko pa kasi iyon nakikita dahil si mommy ang kasama niya nung unang beses na pumupunta siya dito at pangalawang beses para sa second fitting para sa adjustments.
Her cocktail dress was beautiful and in the middle of color beige and pink. It was sleeveless and lengths two and a half inches above her knees. The neckline covers half of her neck. Its top part was a baroque of laced design while her skirt was a two-toned tulle.
"Ang ganda 'no?" Les giggled, twirling in front of the full body mirror. I nodded in agreement. The dress was exquisite. It should be because it's an expensive shit.
Inalis na ni Les ang cocktail dress niya at ipinaayos na sa box. Kahit wala na ang dress ay inabala niya ang sarili sa harap ng salamin. My sister is conceited and cocky, so I could tell that she's complimenting herself in front of the mirror.
"Who are you going with? Si Luke?" lumabas ang pangalan niya sa bibig ko nang hindi ko man lang pinag-iisipan. Napaharap sa akin si Les at tumaas ang isang kilay nang dahil doon. It was a big deal because it's the first time that I've mentioned him for the past year and eleven months.
Tiningnan ako ni Les na parang pilit na binabasa ang mukha ko. I don't even know why people do that. I was good at hiding my emotions. Their attempts to read me are futile.
She shrugged a little before turning around and facing the big mirror once again. "Nope. I'm going stag with Dee. May ibang date si Luke."
My heart started to patter inside my chest. I shouldn't care if he has another date. I shouldn't feel anything at all. "Who's his date?" I couldn't help but ask. Les dangled a bait and I couldn't help but bite. I was curious. The only thing that I could do is to downplay my curiosity and act like I wasn't affected at all.
"Someone he's been... seeing the past months." Les rolled her eyes, like she's annoyed at the idea. She turned around to look at me again. "You'll see them. Pupunta sila dito ngayon kasi ibibigay ko kay Luke yang paper bag sa tabi mo."
"What?" I gasped.
Les frowned at my reaction. She raised her brow, about to respond when something caught her attention outside. A big and goofy grin started to occupy her face. "There's Luke Dashiel na pala!"
I stiffened on the couch that I was sitting on. Fuck. I think my racing heart stopped from beating. Nasa likod ko ang bandang glass window ng boutique kaya hindi ko sila nakikita.
Matagal ko ng hindi nakikita si Luke Dashiel. He never showed up in our house after what happened. It also helped that I was in college, which was somewhere he's not.
"Hi, Luke Dashiel!" rinig ko ang masayang bati ni Les. There was a pause before she spoke again but with a different tone and less enthusiastic this time. "Hi... Natalie."
"It's Adriana." pagtama ng babae. Hindi ko alam ang itsura ni Les dahil nakatalikod pa rin ako pero alam kong napangiwi siya. Hindi na niya sinagot ang babae.
"Where's my stuff?" I shivered at the sound of Luke Dashiel's voice. He sounded different the last time that I saw him. It got deeper and more... manly. The paperbag that was sitting next to my lap suddenly started to burn against my skin.
"Oh, wait." sa boses ni Les ay parang nakalimutan niya pa ang tungkol doon. Kung hindi ko kilala ang kapatid ko ay talagang maniniwala ako agad sa kanya. "Avis,"
Isang tawag pa lang sa pangalan ko ay nanlamig agad ang buong katawan ko. Alam ko naman na ganito ang gagawin ni Les pero kahit inaasahan ay may epekto pa rin sa akin. I was terrified. I was afraid to see him and realize how much I've been longing for him.
"Avis, can you hand the paper bag over?" Les asked with her sweet voice. I was left with no choice. I took a deep breath in my mind before rising from my seat and grabbing the paper bag beside me.
Pagkatalikod ko ay sa mga mata niya agad ako napatingin. Tumalon ng isang beses ang puso ko nang makita ko na nakatingin din siya sa akin. Agad na inalis ko ang mga mata mula sa kanya. Ayaw ko ng nararamdaman ko kaya mabilis na lumakad ako papalapit sa kanila at inabot sa kapatid ko ang paper bag na hinihingi.
"May bibilhin pa pala ako. Just text me when you're done." my tone was dead and arctic. I didn't throw anyone else, even him, a look when I left.
Pagkalabas ng boutique ay hindi ako huminto sa paglalakad. Mabibilis ang bawat hakbang ko. Nang makarating ako sa restroom ay dumeretso agad ako sa isang stall. Isinandal ko agad ang likod sa pinto nang maisara ko iyon at ipinikit ang mga mata.
Mabilis ang tibok ng puso ko at rinig na rinig ko iyon dahil sa walang kahit anong ingay sa loob ng restroom. I placed my fist against my chest and prayed like hell for it to calm down.