avoiding Lauren and Camila was a lot easier than I expected.
when the girls and I went separate ways after Wango Tango, the only way to reach each other was via text/call as well as the occasional facetime/skype. and you can't force someone to reply to you if they're halfway across the country, right?
when Demi and I got home, we sat down at the dining table with Naya where I told her everything, about me being bi, liking Lauren, and then seeing Lauren kiss Camila. after multiple sympathetic cooing noises and comforting hugs, I was already feeling a little better about the whole situation.
"we have something that might cheer you up, though," Demi said, rubbing my back slowly.
Naya smiled as soon as she realized what Demi meant. "close your eyes!" she said excitedly. "it's a surprise."
I complied, and laid my hands on the table, palms facing upwards. almost immediately after, I felt a piece of paper being placed into my hands.
"open your eyes!" Demi squealed, clapping her hands.
slowly, I did so. I scanned the piece of paper, and a few words jumped out at me.
resort. Malibu. weekend. spa.
"we're going to Malibu beach?!" I gasped, reading the details again.
Naya and Demi were practically beaming over at me. I began to feel the smile take over my face as I launched myself at the two of them, wrapping them in a huge hug. "thank you, thank you, thank you!"
"that's no problem, baby," Demi laughed, petting my hair affectionately.
"we've all been busy lately," Naya explained. "and I think we should have a celebration of your EP and moving back to LA. so we're going to go relax. just the three of us."
"that's not all," Demi said, beginning to lift me off her. "there's another surprise."
I watched excitedly as Demi reached into her bag and pulled out another piece of folded paper.
"this is a surprise for you too, babe, isn't it?" Demi asked, addressing Naya, who agreed.
Demi unfolded the paper partly and turned it over to show a photograph of a small white puppy. it was tiny and couldn't have been more than half a year old.
"is this..." Naya asked, reaching out for the photograph.
"it is, gorgeous," Demi said, watching as Naya's face changed from disbelief to pure, unadulterated happiness.
"is it our new puppy?" I asked, beginning to work out what was happening.
Demi nodded over at me, her eyes shining. "isn't he cute?"
"are you kidding?" I asked, leaning over to see the photo again, another smile growing on my face. "he's adorable! have you named him?"
"no," Demi said, reaching out to hold my hands. "let's think of one together, how does that sound?"
"perfect," I breathed, looking back at the small puppy. "it sounds perfect."
---
after the excitement of everything that evening, I was lying on the floor of my room alone listening to my music on shuffle when I realized that this weekend break was the perfect time to sort out what I was feeling and thinking. plus, it'd give me an excuse to not reply to the girls' messages.
I felt bad doing this. I wasn't mad at the two girls, just hurt, and I didn't want to have to pretend that everything was fine around them. I didn't want to talk to them because it hurt so much. I felt terrible for Ally, Normani and Dinah, though. they hadn't done anything, and presumably they didn't know anything about Camila and Lauren, unless they were helping to cover for them. but I doubted they'd do such a thing, and Ally wasn't the best liar either, so I didn't think they knew.
Dinah: Lea are you feeling better?
Lea: I am :) thanks Dinah. sorry for worrying you guys
Lea: I have news though!! Dems and Naya surprised me with a holiday to Malibu omfkjgjfh !!!
Normani: WOAH THAT'S SO COOL OMG
Dinah: GIRL U LUCKYYY
Ally: wow!!
Lea: yeah its crazy!! we're leaving tmrw morning.
Lea: it's gonna be like a spa thing like relaxation because we've been working so hard
Lea: and i don't think i'll be using my phone you know?
Normani: yeah!! that's totally understandable! when are u gonna be back?
Lea: Monday morning
Lea: i'm gonna put my phone on airplane mode when i get there lol
Dinah: ok!! have fun! send us lots of photos we wanna see!!
Ally: stay safe, have fun!!
Normani: have fun!!!
Lea: thank you i love u guys :)
I couldn't help but notice that, conveniently, Camila and Lauren weren't on the chat. immediately, that sent my mind reeling, imagining the things they could be doing instead. watching a movie together, kissing again, Camila making food for Lauren, Lauren talking to Camila like she used to talk to me. writing together, drawing together, walking together. kissing, making out, disappearing behind closed doors. giggling, Camila burying her head in Lauren's shoulder. Lauren braiding Camila's hair like she used to braid mine. being together. KISSING.
letting out a frustrated groan, I curled up into a small ball and squeezed my eyes shut. there was a dull ache in my chest where my heart was, and I sighed, pressing my palms onto my eyelids. my phone buzzed once and lit up, making me roll over and pick it up. I unlocked the device before I even saw who had texted me.
Lauren: Lea, have fun in Malibu! take care of yourself, and enjoy, okay? I love you.
no, you don't. you love Camila.
Lea: thank you lolo :)
Lea: goodnight
Lauren: goodnight ♡
with that, I tossed my phone aside, grabbing the pillow nearest to me and screaming into it. then I got up and paced around, clenching and unclenching my fists. a knock sounded on my door, and I spun around, hiding my hands behind my back.
"hey," Demi said softly as she entered. "it's late. you've had a long day, sweetie."
I nodded, swallowing, my throat now starting to hurt from the scream. "yeah," I croaked, wincing. Demi would definitely be able to tell that something was wrong.
Demi furrowed her brows. "are you sick?"
"no," I denied, way too quickly. I cleared my throat. "no. I think I just need some rest."
she nodded slowly, coming over to give me a hug. "okay. goodnight, sweetheart. get some rest. come to us if you need anything, okay? I love you."
I hugged her back, resisting the urge of just breaking down in her arms. "g-goodnight, Demi."
after she left the room, I crawled into bed, feeling defeated, and lonely. 24 hours ago I'd been too pumped to sleep, impatient to see the girls again. and now I would do anything to avoid them.
rolling over and ducking into the mass of blankets, I felt my nose begin to sting and my eyes watering. curling up into a tiny ball, I buried my head into my knees, feeling the tears begin to wet my skin. I tried to curl up tighter, smaller, maybe so small that somehow my bed would open up and swallow me and I'd never have to wake up again.
I must've stayed like that for half an hour, feeling my heart clench and unclench with every beat and my throat burning, my eyes watery and nose running. I turned my pillow over, not wanting to sleep on the wet patch my tears left on the pillow. then I tried to get comfortable, tossing this way and that, kicking my blankets off and pulling them back on.
and then it started.
a tiny voice suddenly piped up in my mind, "wanna know why Lauren doesn't like you?"
I squeezed my eyes shut and winced. I knew what this was going to lead to. I knew that these voices were going to wear me down and eventually drag me headfirst back into the habits I'd worked so hard to get rid of. these were the devils in my head, the plague in my mind that spread across every corner of my brain and forced all life to cease. in its wake it left pain, misery and an incredible amount of disgusting self-hatred. the worst part is that this is my subconscious - part of me.
"well?" it demanded.
I shook my head as hard as I could, reaching out to turn my bedside lamp on whilst trying to sit up. there was no way that this was going to be beneficial to me.
tw // body image
"no," I squeaked out.
"she doesn't like you because you're fat. you're fat and ugly and she doesn't want to be seen with you. have you seen Camila? she's tall, slim, pretty and everything that you're not."
with every insult that was spat at me, I was beginning to believe it. they were valid and seemed like the truth. Camila was tall, slim and pretty. she was unique, too, and Lauren had a crush on her because of that. and then there was me - fat, short, ugly, and no amount of makeup could ever cover up that face.
I struggled out of bed, grabbing my pillow and a stuffed toy cat that was sitting on my bed. then, fighting back tears, I crawled out and stumbled to Demi and Naya's room, climbing into their giant bed, whimpering when I accidentally shifted onto Demi's leg.
Demi woke up, and seeing me, she sat up. I pointed to my head, feeling my nose beginning to sting again. "it's starting again," I whispered. "I'm not good enough."
immediately, an mixture of pain and sympathy flashed across Demi's features. she moved her pillow a bit to the side and made space for me in between her and a still asleep Naya. as I lay down, she pulled the blankets back up over us, creating a cocoon of warmth and safety, silencing the condescending voice. affectionately, she stroked my hair, planting a kiss on my forehead. quietly and gently, she began humming, her soothing voice and calming touch luring me to an exhausted slumber.
the last thing that I heard before sleep washed over me was Demi saying, "you'll always be more than good enough."
---
the Malibu retreat turned out to be exactly what the three of us needed. the quiet hours spent in the spa and massages and manicures allowed for a lot of thinking and reflecting, but also managed to somehow establish a place calming enough to rationalize and despite thinking a lot, I could walk out of the room with a clearer state of mind. Demi and Naya spent hours tanning on the beach while I frolicked in the waters, allowing my skin to bronze in the sea.
with a flower in my hand, I waded out into the sea while Naya dozed in the warm sun on land and Demi went to buy us some iced tea. the waves gradually reached my stomach, and I closed my eyes and held my breath before dunking my head underwater, resurfacing with cool water dripping off my hair. a sunny breeze drifted by lazily, and I lay back onto the water and let myself float while peering up at the sky through squinted eyes. the rocking motion of the water was relaxing, and I let myself remain like that for a while before I heard Demi calling out for me from the beach. after swimming back over to the shore, I headed back towards where our things were, the sand sticking to the bottom of my feet. Demi pushed her sunglasses on top of her head and handed me a glass of iced tea before sitting down onto her towel, holding a glass of her own.
"having fun?" she asked, sipping her drink from the straw.
"yup. what's this?"
"iced peach tea. it's pretty good."
I tried some. it was good. "what's yours?"
"iced lemon tea. wanna try some?"
hers was too sour. I pulled a face, and Demi laughed. "now I know why you have such a sour personality," I said, taking another sip of my tea.
Demi mocked shock, pushing me playfully. "watch it, young lady."
we sat together watching the sun glitter on the ocean that seemed to stretch out for eternity, the ocean's lips caressing the sand gently. I wondered what would happen if we just let ourselves get carried away in the water. despite the obvious that we would not survive long, I thought about how it would feel just to float endlessly into the horizon, leaving all trace of care and worry behind.
"I wish we weren't going back tomorrow," I said, letting the sweet tea cool my mouth.
"me too," Demi said. "but I have a song to release."
"finally," I rolled my eyes. "this fandom has been waiting two years, Demi."
"I know, I know," Demi laughed lightly. "and it would be longer if you weren't rushing me so."
"it's going to be a good one, though," I assured her. "they're going to love it."
"f--- yeah," Demi said. "I'm so ready."
"so could you say that we're cool for the summer ?"
"definitely."
---------------------------------
A/N:
thank you guys so so much for 150K+ reads!!
GUYS. COOL FOR THE SUMMER MUSIC VIDEO. HANDS UP IF YOU'RE DYING RN
xoxo