◖𓈈﹗﹙chapter thirty- four﹚
❛ ▬▬ woman . . . ❜
Lilith watched a reality show about modeling on the television in Dorian's mansion living room, showcasing the behind-the-scenes of a fashion show. Beautiful models ran around with flat stomachs and disgustingly perfect skin that made her cringe at the thought of focusing so much on looking like a Barbie doll. She sniffed a line of cocaine and leaned back against the sofa. And Dorian planned to involve her in that world? Considering her diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, it was more than enough to realize she should stay away from that industry; it would break her mind. Yesterday, when Dorian left, she was so angry that she went to the cemetery alone, her body on the verge of collapse from insomnia, starvation, and intoxication. She only managed to take a quick shower so that her mother wouldn't see her looking repulsive and smelling of decay. She stayed in a hotel overnight and didn't return to the mansion until the following day, late in the afternoon... and Dorian was in his office, which irritated her to no end. Just thinking about it reminded her of how angry she was yesterday.
She had some time to think a few minutes before falling asleep on the hotel bed about what she should do with Dorian, what he meant to her. She should have thought about it before accepting to be his girlfriend, but when she agreed, things were different. She was so happy, even though it wasn't her best time. Comparing how she felt then to how she felt now, she would give anything to turn back time and rewrite the future. She would do things differently, take better precautions. She was putting her well-being on hold, imagining that time would heal her heart in the future. She even hoped that Dean's return would bring joy to her life, though it was true that she would find out if Dean contacted her or if Sam had the balls to ask for her help with the spell. She truly felt so alone; she needed a family. Her boyfriend wasn't that, and her friends weren't either. She wanted her grandparents and her mother, people who had been in her life since she was little, someone she could trust.
One of the employees approached her, crossing an arched hallway with columns. Lilith prepared herself for a message from Dorian, a series of instructions that seemed to be from a rehabilitation center.
"Miss Arduenn," the employee said, keeping her distance out of concern that Lilith would lash out with hurtful words, as they saw her as a wicked witch. "A man who claims to be Bobby Singer is looking for you. Should I let him in?"
"Yes," she accepted, unsure if it was what she really wanted. She hated both Bobby and Sam. They were liars, hunters who never stopped seeing her as a dirty witch who was capable of drinking the blood of a yellow-eyed demon to save her mother.
She lit a cigarette and turned down the volume on the TV, waiting for him. She saw him arrive out of the corner of her eye and immediately felt her heart tighten in a painful stab. It hadn't been one of her best ideas.
"Child," he whispered. "Lilith, I just want to talk to you for a moment. Is that okay?" He dared to sit on the sofa, which had been stained with blood but was cleaned. Didn't he know he had to be careful around a witch? "I'm sorry about what happened with Dean and your mother. Things got out of hand. Sam isn't answering his phone, and I don't know what's going on with you. Dorian called me yesterday, worried. What are you doing, child?"
"You should leave. It's not a good idea for you to be here." Her middle finger.
"You should leave. It's not a good idea for you to be here," the middle finger began tapping against the armrest of the sofa, and her breathing became uncontrollable.
"I want to talk."
"I'm warning you, Bobby, leave. I don't need you."
"Lilith, you're not well, my dear." Of course, she wasn't! She didn't need to be reminded every three seconds, to see their stupid sad faces every time they looked at her. She already pitied herself enough- "Do you want to come with me?" Damn hypocrite.
"My mom died, and you and Sam's first reaction was to blame me for what I did with that damn yellow-eyed demon. That's the least important thing! Nothing of what I did matters, don't you understand? Nothing matters, why would you blame me for something that doesn't matter anymore? As if you didn't know! Did you think I did it because I wanted to? Because I woke up one day and decided to drink a demon's blood? No! And you know it! You know it was all to save my mother! You know it! Both of you knew it! So why is it the first thing you say to me when my mom died?! It wasn't important. My mom died, and it seems like no one cares. You're all hypocrites, and you don't love me, not since you found out I'm a witch. Why can't you accept it? You lied to me, didn't you? All because I'm a witch? Why don't I have your heroic values? Why do you think I'm not good enough? The stupid Dean is in hell because he couldn't bear to see his brother die! How different is that from drinking a demon's blood, huh? I don't want your hypocrisy, Bobby. I told you if I saw you again, I would kill you."
"That's not the truth, my girl." Lilith quickly wiped away the tears that had streamed down her face and flicked the cigarette butt away. Bobby tried to catch her eyes, doing everything he could to make her look at him, but she refused to see him. She couldn't- "We didn't know what had happened. You have to understand that, please, Lilith. I went to say goodbye to your mother. I loved you both, I miss her too."
"No," she whimpered, throwing a bottle of vodka from the coffee table. "No!" she shouted, grabbing Bobby by the chest, using her magic to lift him slightly and push him back a few inches. "No one misses her like I do. I didn't see you at the cemetery any day, but I'm always there. You're lying. Why are you lying to me? What did I do to you?"
"Lilith," he whispered, his voice broken. Lilith forcibly stopped her tears and cleaned the cigarette ash. Bobby tried to make eye contact with her, pleading with his eyes, but she refused to look. She couldn't.
"We didn't mean to hurt you," Bobby continued. "We didn't know. Please, Lilith. We didn't know."
Lilith erupted in anger again, recalling the events of the previous night and reliving the pain of the morning, which had lingered for hours. Dorian had entered with a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates, picking out her favorites-the ones that made her jump with joy. This time, they triggered such immense anger that the old hunter backed away from the magic forming in her hands, walking straight towards her target.
"Fucking flowers and chocolates!" she yelled, throwing the gifts out the window with her magic. "Are you kidding me, Dorian?"
"Love, calm down," Dorian raised his hands, pleading for peace, and didn't dare take a step forward. "Lilith, let's talk, please. Set aside the magic and let's talk calmly. It's all a misunderstanding. Please, set aside the magic."
"Lilith, honey, let's calm down," Bobby said this time.
"Don't you get involved!" she snapped. Lilith held back her magic, though she would unleash it if needed. She was the most powerful person in the room; it belonged to her. None of those men were stronger. She was the strong one, the one with power. "You want to talk? Fine, I'll talk. And when I'm done, I'm going to rip out your heart and see if it gives me the power of resurrection. How does that sound, 'love'?"
"Lilith," he startled, causing him to step back. The center was hers, and she could easily attack with tactics. She had seen the Dorian she knew, the one who was afraid of women, the one who avoided her gaze. "Speak, I know what you're going to say."
"Is that so? You know what I'm going to say? You're a liar. You don't love me; you only like my disgusting pig body."
"That's not true," he interrupted, using the same firm voice he used in front of important people during business negotiations. He noticed Bobby standing nearby, as if he had chosen a side. "Let me explain."
"Oh no! Can you give up everything, damn EVERYTHING, for a night of sex, but when I ask you to come with me to the cemetery, it's a resounding NO?! You leave every day without having breakfast with me. I just want you to stay once, just once, Dorian! You talk about the future when it's the last thing I need. Are you stupid or do you only care about one thing from me?"
"I'm trying to lead you down the path your mother wanted! Lilith, for God's sake, listen to me," he said, his mention of her mother causing magic to surge, revealing the sharp edge of a sword ready to kill him. What did he know about what her mother wanted?
"Lilith," Bobby whispered, a small harmony in the midst of chaos; she refused to listen. "Lilith, let him speak," he pleaded.
She set aside her magic.
"I'm just trying to help you. I'm trying to do the same thing your mother wanted. She wanted you to be happy, and that's all I'm trying to do. It's not healthy for you to spend twenty-four hours in the cemetery, not eating a single bite and just using drugs. Going to the cemetery is becoming an addiction for you. I'm trying to reduce the number of days you go, nothing more. I don't want you to lock yourself in here. I'm doing everything I can to get rid of work and be with you. I suggested you come with me to the office, but you didn't want to. I want a future with you, Lilith. I told you that when I asked to be together, and you accepted. Am I lying? If you don't like what I suggested, you can do anything else. It was just an option to keep your mind occupied with something and forget about witches and demons. I just want to see you happy, my love, and have a peaceful future. Look... my actions and words may not have been right, and I'm sorry for that, but my intentions have always been good."
"Was it true? Was it a lie?" Lilith's mind was not in a condition to logically analyze what her affected eyes interpreted from Dorian. The only thing she understood was the subtext that insulted what she was doing. Among all the addictions she could develop, she didn't mind being addicted to going to the cemetery, making it a part of her daily routine. Lilith observed Bobby for a moment, seeking guidance from a paternal figure. Someone who would show her the way to go. What if Dorian was just a fool trying to do what was best for her? What if the drug was really confusing her? What if it was all a lie? Whom should she believe? What should she do? The future that Dorian planned for both of them didn't interest her; she wasn't interested in the future. It was the present that she needed to get rid of. The present wouldn't let her live.
Dorian approached calmly, one step after another, attentive to the witch's bodily responses. God... he had made himself fear her, scared of what she was capable of. If things were the other way around, Dorian would be vilified in the news, and if Lilith filed a complaint, she would be granted a restraining order. Oh my God! When had he lost the principles of equality that he always kept in check in his words and actions?! When had he become someone he was not? Lilith slumped her shoulders, leaning against her boyfriend's chest as he enveloped her in a tight embrace. She cried against his chest, releasing the emotions that this situation had caused her to suffer, the anxiety that consumed her breath in a panic attack. Dorian held her tighter and rested his chin on her hair.
"It's okay, my love, it's okay," he consoled her tenderly. He gave her kisses on the crown of her head. "It was just a misunderstanding, right?"
"I have to go," she whispered, making it obvious that she was referring to the cemetery. "I want to go, and I'll go alone. I have something to do."
"Can I take you?" Bobby offered, not out of courtesy or to make a nice gesture, but as a way to spend more time together, perhaps hiding something. Lilith nodded and went up to her room to get a coat and prepare Prayer with the harness.
Lilith remained silent as Bobby drove to the cemetery in his old blue truck, knowing the way, indicating that there was truth in his words. She stroked her cat and tried to keep him calm during the journey, although he was already accustomed to it. Bobby glanced at her, opening his lips and then closing them abruptly, until he finally gathered the courage.
"If you want, you can stay at my place if you have problems with your boyfriend."
"Okay," she murmured, embarrassed that he had heard the fight. "But I want to stay in Cambridge." Her mother was there, and she wouldn't leave her.
"Fine," he accepted, sighing. "If you need anything, call me. I'll come. Please, call and answer. Don't do a Sam."
"A Sam?"
"The kid is not doing well either. I don't know where he is or what he's doing. He doesn't answer my calls. He buried Dean using those spells you mentioned to keep him in perfect condition, then he said he would take some time to think things through, and nothing, silence."
"I haven't talked to him since it happened."
Sam had betrayed everything she had always defended. Lilith thought their friendship was unquestionable, above Ruby-the damn blabbermouth who had revealed what she had done with the demon's body-she thought he would be the first to understand her most sincere motives. Lilith had helped him with all his vision problems, even clarified the origin of his blood and provided a plan to bring Dean back. She thought he would understand, that he would be the best friend who would be there for her. It was his arm she wanted to lean on at the funeral, and he hurt her at her worst moment.
"You're crazy! How could you, Lilith? It seems like you're playing both sides, lying to us all the time and hiding things until we find out, and then you come asking for forgiveness, saying you do everything out of love. Lilith, stop with the games, grow up, mature for once. It all started with that damn demon! You know damn well what the blood did to the other kids! Did you even consider that Dean gave his life because that son of a bitch forced his blood on me? Didn't you think he killed my mom? It's the most dangerous and stupid thing you've done. And you're not even capable of admitting that the damn demons saved you. Don't you realize we're in deep shit? And now we're left alone! Dean is dead! You're acting like a fucking witch! Do you forget who you are?"
Lilith cried a lot and didn't defend herself. She didn't have the strength to defend herself, so she let them walk all over her and spit out words of hatred, perhaps justified. That was the last thing she remembered of Sam. She asked Bobby to give her some time alone and ran out of the van.
"Hello, Mom," Lilith placed a flower on her grave and sat on the ground with Prayer in her lap. "These days haven't been very nice," she said, staying silent as she observed her name engraved on the tombstone. The effect of cocaine wasn't enough to amplify the pain she felt. She cried once more. "Mommy, I don't know what to do. I no longer think Dorian is the answer. I don't want to become an extension of his life and fit in with him because I have no one else. I just want you to come back and help me. You're the only one who can help me, Mom. You're the only help I want."
"You won't get rid of the pain with drugs, Lilith. You'll only learn to survive."
That woman again. The demon who had saved her from the flames and baptized her with her own name watched her from the shadow of a tree with white wax-like flowers, their petals falling and getting lost among the strands of her pearl-white hair, as clear as a piece of cloud. The woman dragged her white dress to sit beside her, casting a shadow.
"What do you want?" Lilith asked.
"I want to know how you're doing."
"I'm doing poorly," she admitted, resigned to the fact that she couldn't elaborate on anything deeper, nor did she want to. "You told me you needed me," Lilith considered it, maybe she could use that fact to strike a good deal. "For what?" she asked calmly, synchronizing with the demon's scenery. The demon looked so serene in the middle of a cemetery that one could mistake her for an angel, with her beautiful face despite having killed the people in the police station and dragging Dean's body to hell. "Can you tell me why the angels killed her?" Lilith asked, her voice barely a whisper.
"Will you believe me?"
"Try me."
"The apocalypse was announced a year ago when they opened a gateway to hell. It's not news to you, right?" He shook his head, it wasn't. "The war between heaven and hell, fueled by both sides. Don't think that the safety of humanity is in the angels' interests or on my side. Each one has their own interests, just like in human wars... In wars, weapons are used, heaven has its own, and I'm searching for mine."
"Am I your weapon?"
"You are more than a weapon. You are a being who can be one of the most powerful with the right help." The demon showed her white magic flowing from her hands, and Lilith opened her eyes, focusing on something other than herself for the first time. "Imagine reaching this level. I need you to achieve a power like mine, to obtain all your pearls and much more. I want you on my side in the apocalypse, and when we win, I'll reward you with..."
"A peaceful life," she whispered, watching the white magic shimmering around her, the legendary colors of white and black, the most powerful ones. "You're a witch."
"I'll tell you a story before answering all your questions. When I was in Eden with Adam, the landscape was beautiful, the most stunning thing you can imagine. We were down there, amidst radiant trees and warm weather, with the mountain of God always above our heads and angels fluttering around. You get bored easily in a place like that, especially if you have a partner who treats you like a sheep. We were just a couple of animals, acting purely on instinct. Adam and I faced the condescension of many angels, false kindness. We took the place as God's favorite creation away from them. They were forced to serve us, to care for us. Many of them accepted it, but others, like Lucifer, wanted to make us disappear. Lucifer was the leader, he tried to do to me what he would later do to Eve, but things turned out differently, and we fell in love. Lucifer was God's favorite archangel, the beloved son who was given a great task: to guard a key that imprisoned a very evil being. He resisted for a long time, but nothing that happened in paradise favored his tranquility, and that key eventually consumed him. He rebelled against God and the angels, not because he hated humans, but because God was unjust to all his creatures. A father shouldn't have favorites. We were banished to hell, and Lucifer was locked in a cage while I was hidden away for millions of years. Until I escaped last year. The angels and God are not what they seem, they are not what has been written in the Bible. They are soldiers, the Lord's finest soldiers. They follow orders without questioning, without blinking, without thinking. If they are ordered to kill a human, they will, and if they are ordered to keep you alive, they will do so until told otherwise. I don't know exactly what their plans are for you, only that they want you weak and out of the game. Although I have my suspicions, you are the last Morningstar. You serve them better alive than dead."
Her mother's real last name, no, the real last name was Arduenn, that's what was written on the tomb. Morningstar was something different, the dark side of the moon. "Why Morningstar?" Lilith blurted out anxiously. "It's not just a powerful branch of witches, right?"
"It's my direct lineage, the first of the first."
So Lilith had created all the witches. The origin of magic traced back to the earliest creatures, of angels and demons, of an almighty God who created heaven and earth. It was a story that connected mythical and legendary characters. Lilith, the first woman, the first demon, and the creator of witches. Wow! How powerful she should be. And then there was Lilith Arduenn, who couldn't even keep her mother alive and seemed to take two steps back for every step forward. What was she doing talking to the demon who killed Dean? She needed a familiar explanation, she claimed to be a direct descendant, sharing blood. "Don't listen to her, you'll condemn us all," Meg told her. But it was her name, they had given her name. The angels had killed her mother, they snatched her away with an order, a damn order.
"If I help you..." Lilith read the sentence engraved on the epitaph, "Beloved mother, my guide and advisor. Forever remembered..." "... would you grant me a conversation with my mom? Is it possible? Can I go to heaven for a moment? I just want to talk."
"It's possible, difficult, but I'll do everything I can to grant it to you."
"And can you bring Dean back to me? Or let him go to heaven? You have him down there, you have the contract."
The demon Lilith let out a sigh and took her hand, which was as cold as her own, almost lifeless and thin, fingers like sticks with short nails painted white. "It's more complicated than it seems. There are rules in hell that belong to hell itself. A deal is a deal. I can't take souls out of hell until they've served their sentence, the deal they made. Hell is not a prison, it's just a place where souls who don't deserve heaven go. And it's not because heaven decides it, the souls themselves know what they've done and don't allow themselves to rest. Sold souls are different, we give them something and we want payment. I didn't tell Dean to sell his soul, he did it on his own, fully aware of the consequences. He could have chosen to endure the grief of loss, just like you are doing, but he didn't want to. I know about the plan you want to execute, turning him into a demon. I won't try to stop it. If Dean becomes a demon, he'll already be free from the contract. Dean is considering it. Perhaps you could visit him and say a few words. That's all I can offer you."
"I'm not going to sell my soul. I want a deal of mutual assistance. Is that okay?"
The demon Lilith leaned closer to the last descendant, accompanied by the singing wind and the white flowers fluttering above the two women. The deal was sealed with a kiss that tasted like powerful poison and drugs.
"I'll look for you in a few hours," said the demon Lilith before disappearing.
Lilith Arduenn took the first step, and it was then that she felt like a woman taking responsibility for her own life.