◖𓈈﹗﹙chapter thirty-three﹚
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▬▬ the seal from another world . . . ❜
"¿Cómo puede ser verdad? Last Night I dreamt of San Pedro. Just like I'd never gone, I knew the song. Young girl with eyes like the desert. It all seems like yesterday, not far away. Tropical the island breeze. All of nature wild and free. This is where I long to be, la isla bonita..."
Lilith sang in her boyfriend's living room, the speakers blaring so loud that the music echoed throughout the house. With nothing but black panties and a tight-fitting top clinging to her body, she drank from a bottle of vodka as the clock struck four in the afternoon. She had returned early from the cemetery because Dorian had things to do. Dancing and singing with the false happiness of a mind clouded by the toxic substance, she couldn't think of anything else but the present, and that was perfect for Lilith. Thinking about the past or the future overwhelmed her, causing so much anxiety that she ended up in bed playing the Brain Challenge game, focusing on mathematical equations. If she thought about numbers and multiplication, she wouldn't think about her deceased mother.
"Come on, Prayer! Dance with me!" She lifted the poor cat off the floor and squeezed it against her chest while twirling and shaking her head. The cat wasn't too pleased and meowed, demanding to be let down. "Well, well, you don't like to dance, I get it."
Suddenly, in the middle of the chorus, the music stopped.
"Hey!"
Mandy and Galilea were standing next to the speaker, watching her. When had they arrived? They appeared like the witches they were, or wait, Lilith remembered that Dorian mentioned they were coming to his mansion.
"Hello, Lilith. How are you?" Mandy was the first to approach, but Lilith hated that she didn't speak to her with the same cheerful and expressive tone as before. Now that she thought about it, Mandy might be high as a kite to maintain that level of enthusiasm. "We wanted to see if you needed anything."
"Hey, girls!" Lilith's words stumbled awkwardly. Mandy approached and hugged her, squeezing her frail arms tightly. On the other hand, Galilea kept her distance, looking frightened. Was she scared of what she saw? Lilith was too.
"Hello, Lilith," the girl from the Christian community finally spoke, or rather, the sect. "Have you eaten anything? I can cook something for you. I know how to cook."
"Laadiiies, look, I understand you're worried about me. I would be too if the roles were reversed. I'm doing what I can, and... vodka is delicious. You don't have to worry; I'm fine. Today I had a latte, so I ate." She smiled, showing her teeth.
The situation became awkward, and neither of the girls could fake a smile for her peace of mind. They looked at her sadly, on the verge of tears, burdened by past regrets. Lilith began tapping her middle finger against the back of the bottle rapidly and simultaneously. She was stressed by the way her dear friends were scrutinizing her like that. She wasn't the one who was sad; her mother's death was sad. They should think about that for a second! Maybe it would make her feel better...
"What do you think if you go take a shower because you reek of alcohol and marijuana, put on some pants, and we'll wait for you with tea and something sweet to fill your stomach?"
"I'll help you," Galilea offered, linking her arm with Lilith's like an elderly woman who couldn't walk. "Come on, Lilith, please."
"I'm just expressing myself, hey hey hey hey, you know?" Lilith said. "Like Madonna says, 'Express yourself!' Don't go for second best, baby, put your love..."
"We're going to sober you up, Lilith."
Lilith reluctantly accepted Galilea's pull and they went up the stairs. The young girl, with her sweet face and tender features, didn't know how much her attempt to bring Lilith back to reality meant to her, showing her that there was a place for her in Lilith's heart. Lilith knew that without her cat—and the incredible job he had, enduring her twenty-four hours a day—and the kisses from Dorian that kept her tied to the word 'love,' enough to intoxicate her... and the drugs, the drugs distracted her.
Galilea led her into the shower, where warm, almost cold water was running, to help her sober up. She pushed Lilith in with her clothes still on.
"I'll prepare something for you to wear, just stay there. Did you hear me, Lilith?" Galilea was afraid she wouldn't understand, but Lilith mumbled a drowned-out 'yes.'
Lilith was trying, promising to try. She was just having difficulties, and honestly, she hated the reality she lived in. She preferred the one she invented with hallucinogens. Everything was wrong, nothing had turned out the way she wanted. Her mom had died, and there was still no sign of Dean... Oh, how she missed him! She had imagined Dean more than once, feeling him hugging and kissing her. She dreamt of their caresses and kisses, the early mornings when he came home after a hunt and a long road trip. He just wanted a beer and to watch a movie; they snuggled on the couch, and she fell asleep on his shoulder. The next morning, she would wake up in her bed, trapped in his arms. She missed that feeling. God, it now seemed to her that she had received more love from him than from her own boyfriend. Where was Dorian?
They left a set of clothes on the bed that Lilith would have worn a few months ago. It was very nice of Galilea, but it broke Lilith's heart to know they missed that old Lilith. She thought she had to heal, that eventually she would heal, right? Would she heal? Maybe, she didn't know, and she didn't feel comfortable in those clothes. She changed into something black and basic—a loose shirt and pants. She didn't wear a bra and dared to put on her sneakers; she was always barefoot. With her hair dripping, she went downstairs with her friends. They had prepared a feast of food in the living room... So they thought she looked too thin, huh? Well, she had lost weight.
"Come, sit with us," Mandy said, patting the seat next to her. Galilea brought over one of the small white armchairs and was eating toast with cheese, tomato, and chia seeds. That's what the chef had prepared—actually, everything that was on the trays.
Lilith stayed with her friends. Would it be wrong to smoke a cigarette? The hangover hadn't completely left her, and with the little food in her stomach, it hit her hard.
"Have some tea," Galilea suggested, passing her the cup.
She accepted it and had her lips ready to take a sip of tea when she said, "Oh! You naughty witches, what did you put in it, girls?" Lilith started laughing; she found it the funniest thing. She laughed so much that she began to cough. The two witches exchanged guilty looks. "What's wrong? A potion to detoxify me? Let me tell you a secret, drugs won't kill me, nothing can kill me. I have angels in my head controlling that I don't die. Funny, isn't it?" Lilith picked up a knife from the tray and slit her veins.
"Oh my God, Lilith, what the hell are you doing?" exclaimed Galilea, taking a step back. A stream of blood stained Dorian's pristine armchairs. The blood dripped so much that it covered her entire forearm and hand. She barely uttered a groan; the burning sensation rose to her face, and her hand trembled slightly. She left her friends horrified, thinking that she had lost her mind due to drugs. Mandy, beside her, was about to perform a healing spell when her arm magically healed, the wound closed, leaving only the expelled blood.
"Angels, you see? I can't die." Despite being witches and having brewed disgusting potions with vomit-inducing ingredients, the scene that Lilith had left with spilled blood on the floor scared her friends, confirming how bad things were. Mandy tried to compose herself and used a napkin to try to clean up the mess. Lilith muttered a laugh.
"I'm sorry, girls. I was just trying to be honest. I had to prove my point."
"If you had said it with words, we would have believed you," said Galilea, helping Mandy with the blood. "Why do you have angels taking care of you?"
She had murmured words about what happened that night in her sleep, and Dorian had overheard and told her friends. She didn't want to talk until then; the drunkenness allowed her to do so.
"A demon told me. I don't know what to believe anymore, and I don't care about what's happening. The demon says I should care, or else I would be doing what the angels want me to do. I don't care. Ever since my mother disappeared, demons have surrounded me, first killing innocent people who helped me or would help me, then a girl spent her last words on a warning, 'She loves you... don't listen to her, you'll condemn us all.' They have been saving me. When we tried to rescue my mother, and I escaped in a suicidal manner, werewolves almost killed me if it weren't for the demons. They saved me. Do you want to know how I managed to rescue her? I swallowed all the blood of an important demon, becoming powerful enough to sneak in without much effort. Funny thing, there wasn't a single demon that night, how curious, right? And now this demon says that I'm important. For what? I don't know. The demon told me that an angel killed her, that there were orders. Why? I don't know, I don't know anything. It's unfair."
A heavy silence filled the room.
"I'm sorry, Lilith. I'm so sorry for what happened," Mandy took her hand. "You're right, it's unfair, that's just how life is. It doesn't matter if you're a witch, a human, or a god, there will always be injustices, and there's no way to stop them. You don't have to let it consume you, you can't hide in drugs. We are..."
"I don't hide in drugs," she defended herself grumpily, pulling her hand away. "I need them. It's the only thing that keeps me in check, don't you see? Don't you think I could move mountains to find a way back to my mother? I'm not afraid of heavy witchcraft, the kind that made Rowena wear chains. I could do it in a blink, but I'm not. Don't you see? I'm doing my damn best!"
Lilith stood up, accidentally knocking over a cup. She didn't want to be around them; they wouldn't understand, they wouldn't change her mind. She rushed up the stairs and locked herself in Dorian's room. She took out a syringe and injected heroin. It would make her feel better, numb her in the bed, and she would only feel the pleasure flowing through her body. Some music, and the rest of the afternoon would pass by. She was trying her best, really, she was. Couldn't anyone see it? She was literally one step away from unleashing the madness that would lead her to relive it all, ruining any expectations, killing Mommy's good girl. It was all for her, she was getting high so her conscience wouldn't weigh so much that it clouded her vision; it was all for her. One wrong step and she would fall, fall into hell. Lilith knew that reviving her with witchcraft would ruin everything, and she would never, never, never return to her past life. She should have known that from the beginning and spared herself the consequences of hope. How foolish she had been, a stupid crying child.
"I want to be where the sun warms the sky, when it's time for siesta you can watch them go by. Beautiful faces, no cares in this world. Where a girl loves a boy, and a boy loves a girl... La la la la la la la, he said he loves you. La la la la la... He said he loves you..."
She hadn't gotten up all afternoon. Madonna's playlist played the songs over and over again. Mandy and Galilea banged on the door, insisting until they stopped, and the natural light streaming through the window faded into a starry night. Lilith kept her eyes closed, unable to fall asleep, drugged enough to believe the imaginary touches on her thighs, the wet kisses waking her up. Her boyfriend's hands were removing her pants, leaving her in her underwear. When had he entered? She didn't care; he finally appeared.
"Dorian?" she heard a guttural sound confirm it. The smoothness of her thighs cradled Dorian's lips, biting her, licking her, moving up to her groin. He ran his fingers over her, making her wet. A good company for her heroin. "Keep going," she whispered.
"Aren't you the most perfect thing? I come home from work and see you lying on the bed, your nipples hardening. My love?" Lilith moaned, arching her back when she felt his tongue giving her pleasure, focusing on the little button that sent a rush of blood. "Say you're mine, moan my name, do it, love, and I'll make you come all night."
"I'm not yours." She didn't have the capacity to know if she had misheard; Dorian knew very well what she thought. He chuckled sarcastically and, a second later, groaned loudly from her bites.
"Oh no?" he said playfully, she could capture that even with her clouded mind. Dorian took off her shirt, leaving her naked. He turned on one of the bedside lamps because he liked to watch her perfectly while they made love. "Then I won't touch you anymore, is that what you want?"
"No," she needed him to continue.
Dorian climbed on top of her, removing all his clothes. He pressed her down onto the soft mattress, trapping her beneath his body, suffocating her against the heat of their skins touching. Dorian was a big guy, very tall, and his body became more muscular with each training session at the gym he had in the mansion. Lilith looked like a plastic doll, a skinny Barbie losing fat with every visit to the cemetery and a new drag on the cigarette. The strength his body held could barely be utilized due to the blockade of his neurotransmitters caused by drugs, triggering—deliberately or consequentially—a lack of interest in getting him off and riding him like a cowgirl. She couldn't, and she didn't care; she would need a good dose of heroin. Dorian abruptly turned her over, pressing her against the sheets and positioned himself behind her, his member brushing against her thighs.
"So, you don't want to spend the whole night having sex?" he asked.
"Don't you have work in the morning? Getting up early and leaving without having breakfast with me?"
"For you, I don't care what I have to do in the morning."
"You won't last long, you'll fall asleep. You're an old man now." She provoked him.
Dorian laughed exactly like an old man would. He continued pleasuring himself with her thighs, forgetting about her... how she hated it. He ran his hands over her back, gripping her roughly, leaving deep red fingerprints on her pale skin.
"Moan my name and I'll fuck you, I know you want it, my love," he pressed against her back to reach her ear. "Let's do some roleplay, you know I love you, I adore you, Lilith." He kissed her cheek; he was an idiot, but he was her idiot boyfriend.
She complied with his request, played along. For Lilith, it was necessary to be shown how much she was loved through physical contact, to be shown by kissing her, caressing her body, and with words, with lots of words, and Dorian had her tied up with his nicknames and his constant reminder that he loved her. Maybe she wasn't in love with him, and she couldn't return the words without lying. That spark didn't exist yet, Lilith resisted, someday. Just as she would heal, she would love Dorian. Right? She liked Dorian; that was a fact... he was attentive and gave her gifts. She adored gifts! He was sweet, cute, and had a stable future. He knew about the supernatural world; she wouldn't have to hide anything. So why couldn't she love him? What was wrong? The immediate answer was his absence. When they were getting to know each other on dates, their encounters were distant. Of course, they spoke on the phone, but they maintained a long-distance friendship, and that worked for that Lilith. She was happy; she had her mom. She couldn't travel without her mother; she was chained to her home. Dorian visited her; he came to Cambridge for a few days and then left, not to be seen again for a couple of weeks. Now that they lived together and were a couple, they still maintained that distance, and it wasn't right. She saw him in the morning and at night, some days they did spend together, but other times he disappeared. Despite everything happening in her life, Lilith understood, she really did. God knew how much he talked about his business and how proud he was of what he had achieved! Of course, she understood!
But she needed it differently, now more than ever. She needed containment, a hug, and a promise that someone would take care of her because she couldn't do it alone. She felt very lonely in a huge mansion and was tired of being alone. But no one gave her what she needed; they didn't take care of her the way her mother would. Lilith remembered that when she got sick, Mom would prepare meals to boost her energy, and she wasn't afraid of getting sick with her. She would say, "We'll both be sick, we'll be in bed watching a soap opera for days until the fever goes away." She could have made her some potion and healed her, but she preferred watching a damn soap opera together. Mom would never leave her alone if she saw her like this; she would do everything to take care of her.
"Thank you, Mom. Now I don't know how to take care of myself. I didn't learn anything from what you tried to teach me. I'm sorry, Mom."
The sex with Dorian wasn't the best either, but that was Dean's fault. With his provocations, he made Dorian stay awake until the first chirping of birds in the sky that dissipated the stars. Dorian didn't enjoy doing much foreplay with kisses and caresses; he went straight to what he wanted, and he was cursed with the same poison as Lilith, seeking self-pleasure instead of sharing. Lilith belonged to that category, and two forces like that didn't understand each other, not like she did with Dean. With the hunter, she didn't have to give instructions or ask questions; they knew what the other wanted at every moment. But Dean was an exceptional case; someone must have whispered a book of Venus to him. To this day, she couldn't decipher the tactics he used to make her climax with just a couple of caresses, and not only that, he managed to make sex equally enjoyable for both of them.
Lilith and Dorian had been getting high throughout the night, trying out new positions and taking breaks before starting again. As she consumed more and more heroin, she spent most of the night in passive positions. Her heart was pounding at one point as if it were in the hands of a drummer, and she was sure she would have a heart attack, and as expected, it suddenly vanished. What great angels! How kind of them!
Dorian had been penetrating her for a couple of minutes. He was enjoying it, while Lilith just lay on the bed like a lifeless doll, there to be seen. She was bored and not sleepy. She thought that sex would distract her from her thoughts. What was she supposed to do? Stick half of her body out the window? How did Dean manage to keep her wanting more and more of him for hours? She wished she had given Dorian some instructions. Maybe what she wanted was to have sex with a woman; they did it better. Lilith thought about her encounters with Dean, so she would tell Dorian what he should do. She thought about how he would start by kissing her for a long time, exploring her waist with his hands, slowly reaching her legs. He would spend a good amount of time caressing her, touching her, arousing her, and then sit her on him and let her grind against his body. He would keep kissing her, moving down her neck to her breasts; he loved licking her pearls and trying to bite them, which always made her laugh. She had to kiss his lips again to make him stop laughing. He would take all the time in the world to undress her, and by then, he would make her vagina throb with the anticipation of an orgasm, and that's when he would penetrate her, and Lilith would explode. He always managed to make her have a second one, and a third if the night was long.
In her mind, she could vividly feel the hunter's member reaching deep inside her, hitting at the perfect speed for both of them, right in the middle, with his hands holding her waist and pulling her toward his pelvis.
"Oh, Dean!" she moaned as he liked her to, he had seen so much porn that he asked her to refine her voice and not stop squealing, to do it all, he loved it, and it excited him even more. "Oh God, Dean! Mmm... oh, I fucking love what you're doing, please, harder."
"Love?"
He pulled out his swollen penis, veins pulsating, reddish-purple, on the verge of climaxing. Oh, shit! Did she say that out loud? She couldn't tell, she wasn't sure, and her boyfriend's expression was that of a man holding back. His sweaty hair stuck to his forehead, dilated and drugged eyes. Lilith could barely make out things; the drug turned her into a zombie. Did she mention Dean? Did she moan his name? She mustered a tiny smile, what an idiot. Dorian lifted her, made her sit up, and placed his penis in her mouth. Before she could refuse and take it out, he ejaculated.
"I don't like that, Dorian!" she spat out the semen onto the floor, such a disgusting taste. "Do you want me to castrate you? Do it again, and I'll cut your balls off."
"We were role-playing! You had a filthy mouth," he defended himself, raising his voice. "You said that if I gave you oral sex, I could put my damn penis in your mouth. Love!" he took her by the shoulders. Holy God, she could barely sit up. Angels? Can anyone help here? "You told me that. You're high; you don't remember; that's what you said. What? Are you going to get mad at me now?"
She spat a little more and wiped her mouth. It was true, she had told him that. But she still hated it.
"Let me know next time."
Dorian just went to the bathroom, and she heard the sound of the shower. Lilith collapsed onto the bed, and a tear ran down her cheek. The warm colors of five in the morning painted the room. She grabbed her head and slammed it into the pillow, wanting to drown in it. Oh, how she hated the fucking birds singing! And the powerful light announcing the coming of the sun through the sky, she wished it would hide again. She preferred the night; if she could magically hide the sun, she would. Whom should she kill? She lit a cigarette, complaining.
"I give you permission to kill me, angels, I order you. No? That's not how it works? Who do I have to be for you to obey my orders? Oh, right! I have to be God, don't tempt me, I'm capable of becoming God to give the order to burn my body at the stake."
A few minutes later, she watched Dorian, dressed in a suit, adjusting his tie. Damn it! He was leaving!
"I'll see you in the afternoon; we'll go to bed together, and I'll sleep what you didn't let me," he said as he approached and kissed her hand. Lilith continued in a bad mood, looking at her opposite. Horrible, with tangled hair, reeking of sweat, sex, and alcohol. The cigarette and the semen were the worst combination, and her immense dark circles completed the look of a living dead. "Love, it's over now, I'm sorry, okay? I thought you'd be fine with it."
The middle finger started tapping against the mattress again.
"Are you going to accompany me to the cemetery today?"
"Today it seems like a better idea to stay home and rest, right, Lilith? A day at home, calm, I'll come in the afternoon to be together and sleep. I love you! Rest!" And he left.
Lilith began to cry desolately, screaming into the pillow. She cursed everyone, her boyfriend, her friends, the witches, God, and the angels. She choked on her sobs, her level of despair so high that the lump in her throat grew so big that it choked her, and with her blocked nose, it was impossible to breathe. Tears soaked the pillow, her saliva splashed with her screams, and she ended up hitting her forehead against the headboard. Why did he do that to her? When he returned from work, she would kill him... He could spend the whole night fucking her like a fucking pig, not caring about his job, but when she mentioned the cemetery, it was an absolute no, an excuse. She would claw his eyes, rip out his heart, and use it for witchcraft. He would see what she was capable of.
"Love?" she yelled at the non-existent things of Dorian that were in the room. "There's no love, Dorian! I'm not your fucking love, I'm not your fucking love. You don't love me, you bastard. I hate you, Dorian, you left, you fucking asshole. You don't love me! You don't love me!"