chapter three — our lord and saviour, kurt cobain
season one, episode two — new life's eve
SPOILER ALERT: IT WAS, IN FACT, A VERY BAD IDEA.
In Liam's defence — how the hell was he supposed to know someone else had already stolen his room?! He wasn't really expecting them to move on that fast.
Also, it's not his fault the pipes are actually falling apart! ( they look much stronger from far away, ok? ) He's definitely gonna have to speak to Mike about getting that fixed. So, really, when you put all the facts together you'll realise it's for a variety of unexpected factors, and not Liam's lack of planning skills that he's in his current predicament right now ( and therefore his plan clearly does not fall under the umbrella of 'anything stupid', thank you! ).
Actually, he's done a Mike a favour, testing the pipes out for him — one of them could easily fall off the wall and cause a serious accident!
Which is exactly what's about to happen to him if he loses his grip on the windowsill. However ( and this may come as a bit of a shock, people! )it's extremely difficult to maintain your grip on the edge of a window a couple storeys up from the ground when there's someone screaming and waving a chair at your face through said window.
Well, it's one way to meet someone new.
"Will you PLEASE stop trying to kill me!?" he yells at the new girl ( Lucy? Lola? Fuck, he's about to die without even learning the name of his murderer ) as she continues hysterically shaking the blue chair at him from the top of her bed ( yeah, because that's totally going to deter professional burglars if they ever decide to break in through a wide open window in the middle of the day! )
Carmen, who ( last time he checked! ) knows perfectly well who he is, is sitting unhelpfully on the other bed with her arms wrapped around two little girls who are probably Chair Girl's sisters and shrieking "It's just Liam!"
Chair Girl, not having a clue who Liam is, chooses to ignore her and shouts "Get out, GET OUT!" at him like he's having the time of his life hanging from her windowsill right now.
"Get that thing away from me! Get it AWAY!" Really, what else is he supposed to do? Jump to the ground and break his legs?
Just then, footsteps come from the hallway and for a second Liam thinks he's saved! Until he sees who it is poke her head around the door and suddenly, jumping doesn't sound like such a bad idea after all.
Because there, in all her tiny, five foot, crocheted cardigan-clad glory is the absolute bane of his existence and the one person he would willingly fall from two storeys up to avoid.
"Iris, help! Tell Lily it's just Liam!" Carmen cries.
Iris takes in the situation, Liam hanging out of the window, Lily on the bed holding her chair mid-swing, waiting for the older girl's verdict, and a small smirk slowly spreads across her face. God, he forgot how much he hated her stupid face!
"Oh, no, a burglar! Help!" she screams, clapping her hands over her mouth with a mock-horrified expression.
He's going to murder her.
"Takahashi, you little — FUCK!" he curses as his foot slips on a loose brick ( there's probably a few sizeable dents in this wall, now ) thanks to Lily brandishing her chair at him with renewed vigour.
"What's going on?" Sapphire asks, running into the room. "Oh. Hey, Liam."
The screaming stops and Lily finally puts her chair down.
"Sapph." he nods, trying to pull himself inside ( another thing he's learned today: he should start working out because does not have the core strength for this! )
"See, I told you it was Liam!" Carmen pipes up.
"Well, Iris didn't!" Lily retorts, glaring at the girl in question.
"Oops, my bad! I just didn't recognise him with that hideous new haircut!" she scrunches up her nose and squints at him. "I never thought this was possible, but — did you get uglier?"
He grits his teeth. "I'm gonna kill you!"
"If you manage not to kill yourself first."
"Lily, this is Liam." Carmen intervenes before the argument escalates and he falls to his death. Lily looks at her, like Wow, no shit! and hops off the bed.
Liam gives her an awkward "Hi." and makes the mistake of letting go of the ledge with one hand to wave. "Whoa!" ( and there goes his other foot! )
Carmen inhales sharply. Iris snorts.
"So, I guess this ain't my room anymore." he grunts, dragging his upper body through the window at last.
"You figure that out all by yourself, Sherlock?" Iris quips ( why is she even still here?! )
"Shut the fuck up!"
"It's Poppy and Rosie's," Carmen explains quickly, gesturing to the two little girls she's still holding, then Lily on the opposite bed. "Their sister's my best friend!"
Liam has almost managed to pull himself all the way inside when he hears Mike's exasperated voice, "Oh, for goodness' sake, Liam!" he rushes to the window, grabbing the boy and hauling him down like a sack of potatoes, scolding him as he does.
"Could you not come in the front door like everybody else?"
"What did you think you were doin', huh?" Gina chimes in from the doorway. "What? You wanted to end up a pile of broken bones on the floor?"
"Wouldn't that be nice." Iris mutters under her breath. She's not as quiet as she thinks she is ( ha! ) as Gina turns to her and says, "Don't you have chores to be doing? Go on!"
Iris holds her hands up in surrender and leaves, but not before pulling one last hideous face at Liam over her shoulder. Liam pulls one right back, then turns to Gina.
"Oh, nice to see you too, Gina! So where am I staying, then?" he sasses, strolling out of the room. He hears her make a noise of indignation behind him.
They lead him into Carmen's old room, which is, of course, painted a bright, shocking, eye-watering, nausea-inducing hot neon pink.
"The pink palace! My favourite!" Liam rubs his hands together as he walks in.
"We'll help paint it." says Frank behind. He, Toby, Tee and Gus are all trailing in a line behind him, Liam's bags being carried by the former three.
Standing in the middle of the room, making the bed, headphones in, shimmying to her music, humming the most out of tune hum Liam has ever heard is none other than Tracy Beaker.
"Entertainment's better than I remember!" he sticks his hand in his pocket and pulls out his phone to snap a few pictures ( that'll be brilliant for blackmail someday! ).
"She works here." Frank explains, tossing the bags down.
"Oh! Hey, Liam!" Tracy smiles, yanking her headphones out.
"Writing career going well, then?" Frank and the others look at him in surprise. "Oh! We met in prison." Liam grins, gesturing between them like they're a pair of ex-cons who've just reunited.
Everyone freezes and side-eyes Tracy.
"We met at the police station." she clarifies, trying not to make the kids think she's a criminal.
They all breathe a collective sigh of relief and smile awkwardly.
"Heard you were coming back." Tracy turns to Liam, adopting a sympathetic tone. "You ok?"
Nope. "Why wouldn't I be?" he shrugs.
"Cos' you're back here and not with your foster family?" Shit, she's onto him.
"Yeah, but..." he looks around to avoid her knowing look. His eyes land on Tee, who's holding a bottle of his Liamade. He quickly takes it off her hands before she does something to make it explode ( not that it explodes anymore; he's definitely perfected the recipe now! ...If only it hadn't cost him his foster parents first. ). "They didn't have a pink bedroom!" Wow, Liam. That's the saddest thing you could have said. "Or a Frank!" he adds, clapping his best mate on the shoulder. He's honestly glad about that part, at least.
She points at the door. "Let's talk." Oh, let's not.
Liam exchanges a glance with Frank, who loyally follows him out the door ( get yourself a Frank, people! ) only to be stopped by Tracy whipping around and saying, "Er, just Liam, Frank."
Frank looks at him again. "But he only just got here!"
She thinks for a second. "Tell you what, I'm making lunch today. How about I make you a burger?"
"She'll forget!" Tee warns.
"No, I won't!"
Well, Liam can't deny Frank an offer like that. "Take it, mate."
Frank sticks his hand out. "Burger."
"Deal." Tracy shakes his hand. "Come on." she walks into the toy cupboard, Liam trailing behind her, awkwardly cradling his bottle of Liamade.
She tugs on the cord above her, switching on the light. "You don't have to pretend with me."
"Pretend about what?"
"Being back here! It sucks, right?" she asks kindly.
"It's not that bad." He's being half honest, at least.
"I've been dumped by hundreds of foster parents. It sucks."
"It's ok." Mostly.
"Really? I was gutted every time I got sent back here."
"Well, I'm good." I'll be even better if you let me out of this cupboard.
Tracy seems to sense his thoughts. "Fine. If you ever decide you want to talk—"
He cuts her off. "Sure." Like hell. "Erm, are we done, cos..." he shuffles. "I really wanna catch up with Frank."
She smiles. "Sure."
He walks out as quickly as he can without running. Fucking hell, feelings are tiring.
💗
Iris is on her bed again, cross legged, hunched over a sketchbook. She's intently scribbling page after page of gory fantasies about Liam dying in various painful ways. So far she's got him falling off a ten-storey building ( inspired by earlier events! ) burning at the stake ( not that he's anywhere near cool enough to be a witch! ) and also being electrocuted ( just for shits and giggles ). She did originally sit down to do some of the drawing exercises Sapphire had recommended to improve her skills, but her pencil sort of grew its own mind and led her here. However, this is actually much more therapeutic ( and, bonus! She's still improving her drawing skills! She's never had cause to learn to draw a stake before, after all ).
This violent stream of thought is also being heavily influenced by the Nirvana music blasting through her headphones on full volume. In fact, the sound of Kurt Cobain's voice bellowing into her ear is so loud she doesn't even hear Gus's usual call of "LUNCH!"
She's halfway through a nicely detailed drawing of Liam being beheaded when Sapphire brings her back to Earth by rapping her knuckles on top of Iris's head, hard.
"Ow!" she yelps, slipping her headphones around her neck and looking up with a glare.
"Lunchtime, stupid." she raises an eyebrow and peers at Iris's drawing. "Is that... a guillotine?"
"Yup!" Iris grins. "Good, isn't it?"
"Whatever, you freak." she says, ruffling the younger girl's hair ( sure, it sounds sweet and sisterly, but she only ever does it because she knows Iris hates it! ). "C'mon, Tracy's doing lunch."
"Oh." Iris makes a face. She was expecting the regular Friday fish fingers and chips today, not something new. She's sure Tracy's probably a great cook, but Iris is not in the mood for anything other than the usual ( yeah, she's a picky eater and also loves food. Turns out those two are not mutually exclusive! ).
"It'll be fine, you fussy arse. And if you don't like whatever it is then more for me!" Sapphire shrugs and goes downstairs. Iris sighs and follows.
Ugh, this is the first lunch with Liam back as well. What with the combination of new food and his ugly face, it's going to be a struggle not to puke everywhere.
Iris pulls her headphones back on. Only our lord and saviour, Kurt Cobain, can help her now.
💗
Our lord and saviour has been confiscated. Again.
The second she walked into the kitchen, Mike ( executioner of joy and comfort and all good things to exist in this cruel, cruel world ) plucked her precious headphones off her head with a stern "No headphones at the table, Iris, we've been through this!".
Of course, he didn't stop to consider that Iris needs her music more than oxygen even at the best of times, and these are absolutely not the best of times, because obviously the only empty seat left at the table is across from the lovechild of Shrek and Jabba the Hutt.
Due to their mutual inability to be within two feet of each other without experiencing immediate waves of nausea, it's heavily encouraged in the DG to never allow Iris and Liam to sit anywhere near one another, ever. However, everyone is already digging into their food and no one is feeling generous enough to offer to switch seats, so it'll be a miracle worthy of Jesus if they manage to make it through this lunch without causing a minor catastrophe.
On the plus side, she gets her fish fingers and chips — Tracy seems to have disappeared ( which is totally valid; Iris would also ditch this circus in a second if she could — although she'd get herself a good last lunch first ).
With a long-suffering sigh, she collapses into her seat next to Gus, who is earnestly listing down every failure, blunder and misstep Tracy Beaker has ever made.
"Honestly, Gus, the poor woman hasn't even been here for a day yet!" Iris rolls her eyes at him, stabbing a fish finger with her fork. "Going on about everything she's ever done wrong isn't exactly gonna make her want to come running back, is it?"
Gus finishes writing something down in his notebook, then looks up. "Liam said the same thing just now. He said I should make a list of stuff Tracy's done right since she's been here."
That's... actually a good idea. Though she'd never say it out loud, obviously — the idea of publicly validating or agreeing with anything Liam O'Donovan ever says or does is enough to make her want to choke on her chips.
"Well, there's something for your list: thanks to Tracy, O'Donovan seems to have gained the ability to form half a coherent thought per day! It's miraculous!"
Liam, tuning into the conversation at the sound of his name, scowls. "That's still more than you, Takahashi!"
"Iris, Liam, please. " Mike quickly chides them before she can shoot back a snarky response. She slumps in her chair, scowling.
Liam smirks and takes a triumphant sip of his orange juice. Oh, she's gonna wipe that smirk off his stupid face! The second Mike looks away, Iris drives a well-aimed kick under the table right into Liam's knee. The sudden violent motion makes his drink go flying — he emerges coughing, spluttering and cursing, sticky orange juice seeping into his clothes. The smirk has been thoroughly wiped off his face.
"IRIS!" Mike and Gina yell in unison, scrambling to get paper towels before the mess is made any bigger.
"What?" she smiles innocently ( she's probably getting so many chores for this, but oh, it's worth it ). A satisfaction she hasn't felt for weeks bubbles through her veins — the satisfaction of watching your arch-nemesis defeated and drenched in the dregs of his drink, swearing under his breath and trying to salvage his now very stained shirt and jacket. Iris: 1, Liam: 0.
Perhaps the return of Liam O'Dickhead has some perks after all.
💗
author's note :
💗 first iris x liam (liris? iriam? help i suck at ship names💀) interaction!!!! what do we think👀
💗 also how do we feel about the pacing??? i was originally planning to do a chapter per episode but that felt too long and too fast? but i feel like a single episode should NOT be taking three chapters..... feedback is highly valued guys😭😭
💗 if anyone's still here — thanks for reading!! drop a vote/comment if u enjoyed xx
💗 word count: 2636