The pain and despair lacing Imayoshi Shouichi's voice was enough to render me motionless. It felt like I was being stabbed straight to my heart, and I couldn't bear to say anything.
I didn't know what to say. He sounded so hurt, so broken, so miserable.
"Aya-chan, is there a problem?" I shifted my attention to Sakurai Ryo who was eyeing me with a worried frown.
"I'm... I need to go home," I managed to say, my voice unstable. I could still hear Imayoshi-senpai's loud panting on the other line, as if he was running.
He was probably on his way to get me. I was sure of it.
"Is there an emergency?" Ryo asked, the frown on his face only deepened.
I simply nodded my head, ending the call and keeping my phone back inside my pocket. I was beginning to button my shirt up when Ryo suddenly stopped me, holding my hand in place.
"Can you not go?"
I turned to him with wide eyes, surprised. His voice was gentle, but there was something in his stare that told me he was completely serious about what he said. "But I have to—"
"Go to Imayoshi-san?" he finished for me, holding my hand tighter. "Is he more important than me?"
"W-What?"
"I'm sorry, Aya-chan. I can't hold it in any longer." He stopped for a minute, as if gathering his thoughts, then continued in a somber voice, "I just feel like he's more important than me. Even though I know fully well that you two have been together since you were children, I still can't stop this jealousy."
I furrowed my brows. "You're... Jealous?"
"I don't want to, but I can't help but notice the way he looks at you." He squeezed my hand, staring straight into my eyes. "It's as if you are the most important thing in the world for him."
"Ryo, that's—"
"I know. That's not possibly true. You're just friends, right?"
My breath got stuck in my throat as I recalled all of the things that Imayoshi-senpai did and said to me. "Y-Yes, of course."
"Then don't go. Stay with me," he said softly as he palmed my cheek.
"But..."
"You can't?" The sadness in his voice sent me speechless, then the next thing I knew his lips were already latched onto mine, kissing me passionately like what he did earlier. It was as though he was trying to erase all thoughts about Imayoshi-senpai inside my head.
"Aya, please. I'm begging you. Please stop torturing me like this."
As if a glass of cold water was suddenly poured on me, I pushed Ryo away from me with a start, avoiding his gaze. "I'm sorry, Ryo. I need to go."
He looked taken aback, but he was quick to cover his shock with an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry. I should be the one apologizing, Aya-chan. Forget everything I said just now, I was just kidding. Sorry."
I bit the insides of my lower lip as guilt consumed me entirely.
I knew he was serious. He was being honest with me, while all I had been doing was lie to him. Again and again.
I should've told him everything. The moment that Imayoshi Shouichi confessed to me, I should've had let him know.
He deserved to know. He had every right to know.
"You love me, right, Aya-chan?"
I froze on my spot, finally looking at him to meet his gaze. There was immense sadness in his brown eyes as he waited for my response. I gathered my voice then replied, "Yes."
Sakurai Ryo immediately smiled brightly, as if relieved, then pulled me in for another tight embrace.
"I love you so much, Aya-chan. Please don't stop loving me, I can't bear to lose you."
***
Lightning flashed through the sky as thunder roared furiously, making me recoil in surprise.
It had already been an hour since I left Ryo's house but Imayoshi-senpai was still nowhere in sight.
I was so sure that he would come and get me, after all he seemed like he was in a hurry to get to me earlier when he called, but apparently I was wrong.
Worried, I looked around me one last time. Upon seeing no signs of Imayoshi Shouichi, I decided to finally give him a call.
It just kept on ringing, however.
"Please pick up, senpai," I muttered under my breath, biting my lower lip as my calls remained unanswered. I suddenly recalled the way he sounded through the phone earlier; he seemed so miserable, and I couldn't help but worry even more.
I nearly dropped my phone in fright when thunder boomed once again. It looked like it was about to rain.
Damn it.
The people around me was giving me curious glances as I stood conspicuously in the middle of the road. I remained rooted there for nearly an hour now waiting for Imayoshi-senpai, not even caring if I was in the way of the many people walking by.
"The number you have dialed is unavailable. Please try again later."
I groaned deeply. Now my calls weren't even reaching him anymore.
Just where the hell are you, senpai?
I turned on my heels then began to run, looking from left to right in hopes of spotting him in the crowd. When it started to drizzle, I started to panic. I could feel the erratic pounding of my heart inside my chest.
I was just about to resort to calling Imayoshi-senpai's mom to ask if he had gone home—because maybe I was just overthinking everything and maybe he went home already when I cut our call earlier—when my phone started ringing.
Thank goodness!
Relief flooded over me as I hurriedly answered Imayoshi Shouichi's call. "Where are you?"
"Aya."
I stopped on my tracks. His voice this time was completely weak and lifeless that it made my breathing hitch. "I've been looking for you."
"Why? You're supposed to be with Sakurai."
Upon hearing that, I composed myself then started running again. "Just... Tell me where you are."
It took a few seconds before he answered, "I'm at the park where we used to play together."
That was all I needed before I ran full speed, grasping at my phone tightly, not even minding the rain that was starting to soak me.
***
By the time I arrived at the empty playground, I was already dripping wet and shivering.
Panting hard, I looked around.
I sighed in relief when I spotted Imayoshi-senpai sitting on a bench. He was looking up, staring blankly at something above him. He was also drenched, but it was as if the cold was nothing to him as he sat there alone, letting the rainwater soak him through.
"Senpai," I called out to him, walking closer with quick strides.
He turned to my direction, frowning instantly upon seeing me. "Why didn't you bring an umbrella? You'll get sick again."
"I could say the same to you," I started as I stood in front of him, "Why are you here instead of taking shelter?"
He didn't respond and merely looked at me, eyeing me up intently. Then I saw his jaw tense when his eyesight darted to the exposed skin on my neck. His eyes, which were wide open now, was staring darkly at Sakurai Ryo's mark on me.
My hand instinctively came to cover it as I swallowed the lump that started to form in my throat. "Let's go home. It's getting late, and we'll probably catch a cold if we stay in the rain for so long."
Again, he didn't respond to that and merely continued to stare at me. The awkward silence between us reigned for a moment, the sound of the pouring rain was the only noise that filled my ears.
"Did you do it with him?" he suddenly asked in a solemn voice, breaking the silence.
I shook my head immediately, then replied, "No, I didn't."
To my utter surprise, he laughed ironically. It lasted for a couple of seconds before he brushed his wet hair backwards with his fingers then said, "I sound so pathetic, don't I?" He pulled himself up, inching closer to me, reaching out to trace my boyfriend's kiss mark on my neck. His touch was surprisingly warm considering that we had been in the rain for a while now. "It's as if he's marking his belonging."
At that, I sighed deeply. "We both know Ryo's not like that."
"Really? You have no idea what a man is capable of just to secure what's theirs."
Suddenly, I remembered what Ryo had said earlier and the way he behaved. He was acting uncharacteristically strange that it was hard to believe he was still the "adorable boyfriend" I used to describe him. But I brushed the matter aside as I held Imayoshi-senpai's hand. It was really warm. I reached out to press my palm against his forehead next, gasping as I felt how hot his temperature was.
"Oh, god. You have a fever!" I exclaimed, panicking.
"I'm okay," he said, but then coughed softly as soon as he finished.
The rain wasn't stopping at all, and I was honestly feeling not so good myself. The cold was starting to get to me. But, at the moment, Imayoshi-senpai's current condition was more important than how I felt.
I held his arm then led him towards the side of the road. I managed to hail a cab and we hurriedly got inside. The driver was stunned to see us soaking wet at first, but he probably took pity on us because he asked us for our destination after turning off the air conditioning system of the car.
Smiling gratefully, I gave him the address. He started driving immediately.
***
"I deserve this, Aya."
Upon suddenly hearing that, I gasped then shifted my gaze to Imayoshi-senpai beside me. He wasn't looking at me, his attention was focused on the view outside the window. His body was slightly shivering from the cold, his fringe was stuck to his face, and his hands were tightly clenched.
I gathered my voice but I couldn't quite find the right words to say.
Because I didn't respond, he continued, "I deserve to suffer like this after selfishly telling you to break up with Sakurai." He stopped for a moment to cough, then continued speaking after he calmed down. "I'm sorry about the things I said earlier, you didn't do anything wrong. This is all my fault."
"Imayoshi-senpai, please don't strain yourself. Let's talk about this later—"
"Aya," he started in a serious voice, meeting my gaze this time. "I'm sorry for everything. Unlike me, you are a kind person. You always think about those around you, and I took advantage of that kindness. I forced myself on you. I tried to get you to look at me even though you are already committed to Sakurai. I didn't think about the people that would get hurt, I didn't think about your feelings. I love you so much that I thought if only you'll learn to love me back, you're going to finally be mine. But I was wrong, it's not that easy."
Tears began to blur my sight. The guilt and pain lacing his voice was making my heart clench in agony. The air around us suddenly felt heavy and it was becoming harder to breathe.
A sad smile curled up Imayoshi-senpai's lips as he palmed the side of my face. He didn't say anything and merely stayed like that for a minute, as if examining my expression and reading my mind. Then in a quiet voice, he said, "You finally noticed me, and that's enough."
I finally noticed him. He was right.
I was finally starting to see him as a man like what he wanted.
Maybe if I wasn't dating Ryo, if I wasn't committed to someone else, if telling him how I truly felt for him at the moment wasn't called selfishness, then maybe I wouldn't be feeling this way. I wouldn't be feeling this miserable. I wouldn't be so torn. I wouldn't be feeling so bad about myself.
I really wanted to tell him the truth. Badly.
That I was falling for him. I was falling for him like he wanted.
I'm falling in love with you, senpai.
But.
I knew I couldn't.
I fought back a sob as I squeezed the warm hand that was still pressed against my cheek, returning the smile he was giving me. "I'm so sorry it took me so long to realize your feelings for me."
A gasp flew past his lips, his eyes widening a fraction. Then his hand that was on my cheek came to pat the top of my head, an ironic look spreading across his face. "It's not your fault, Aya. Let's forget about everything and be back to the way we used to be. Just like what you always want."
That was the last thing Imayoshi Shouichi said to me that night.
Or the following day. And the day after that.
Then my most dreaded day came.
Sunday came.
——————————
My kokoro broke while writing this chapter T.T
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