NADIA ALLEYNE JAMES
HARLEM, NYC
She hated herself for not leaving, but she couldn't bring herself to. She sat in the same spot Estrella Reyes had left her in once she headed to work. She had no idea how long she'd been sitting there, but the sun was completely up.
Love wasn't always complicated for her. It made her rethink her life's choices. Why was it so confusing? Maybe because in her mind, it's supposed to look and feel a certain way.
To her, love was supposed to feel like a summer day in old Harlem. When kids used to be outside dancing and playing with water balloons. When the mothers in the neighborhood used to link with their old double Dutch squads and show the kids how they used to get down. When the icee man on a bicycle used to ride around the block getting stopped and crowded by hot children looking for a cold treat. Love was supposed to feel like the late-night rap battle sessions that everyone used to be eager to hear.
Love was supposed to feel like old Harlem. Do you get it? Love was supposed to feel like pure bliss and euphoria. But what she was getting felt like childish ass puppy love that was starting to disappear. Their growth and mindsets weren't matching up. To her, this was fourteen-year-old Ethan. The one that thirteen-year-old her used to crush on. Now she found his actions annoying and corny.
This couldn't possibly be the same love she used to dream about as a little girl.
Now she wishes she would've trusted her gut and left him alone. But she was too busy trying to chase a feeling that was long gone. She was trying to chase a type of love that the old her only dreamed of, not realizing she was a new person. She had new goals and priorities. A new sense of self-worth. She couldn't keep allowing him to pull her down.
The level of intimacy she was craving was beyond sex, lately, that seemed to be all he had to offer. She needed an open ear to lay her troubling thoughts out on the table. To lift the heavy burden of responsibility off her shoulders for just a moment, but all he gave her was dick.
She couldn't even put all the blame on her when she often initiated it, and that's the worst part about it. He was irresistible.
Ethan lay on his side in bed, staring out the small window. His mind on his next move. The streets couldn't help but talk about the crazy comeback of Notti Osama. Harlem's deadliest teenager yet, his brothers coming close in second. He was so lowkey with his dirty work but it surely wasn't a secret. Nadia wasn't tuned into the streets or anything violent for that matter so it made sense that she wouldn't know.
Lying to her was becoming too much. Every time he was out, he worried about someone saying the wrong thing leading to her finding out from someone who wasn't him. He knew he shouldn't have lied about dropping that part of his life, but for one it was easier said than done and two, he would do anything to have Nadia back. Even just as a friend. He needed her presence.
Not wanting to think anymore, Ethan finally rolled out of bed. His body felt slow and exhausted as he peeled back his white blanket. He made his way to the bathroom dragging his feet along. "Fuck" he grunted looking into the mirror.
His hair was out of the ponytail, hanging down wildly. His eyes were puffy and his lips were swollen. Dark marks covered one side of his neck. He had no shirt and his sweats hung lowly on his waist exposing his abs. "Damn Nadia" he muttered to himself with a chuckle as he turned on the sink to start his hygiene process.
Once he was done, he walked out of his room and headed to the kitchen. He jumped, not expecting to see Nadia sitting in the kitchen, seemingly in deep thought. She ignored his light footsteps, looking down into her lap with a conflicted face. The sound of Ethan clearing his throat awkwardly made her look up.
"Good morning" he greeted sweetly. Nadia blatantly ignored him, putting her attention back on her lap.
Fuck I look like tellin' a nigga good morning, she thought.
He didn't mind her silence, instead, he went about his business finding something to eat for breakfast. "What's on ya mind," he asked, preparing himself for the conversation they were bound to have.
He had been avoiding it for awhile and she made no efforts to press the subject. Today was the day, he just felt it. And all he could do was prepare himself for whatever conclusion she came to and hope that doesn't mean X-ing him out of her life.
"What's on ya mind, why you on my dick yo?" She spat back playfully and he laughed at the fake aggression in her voice. "Woahhh, you was just on mine a few hours ago—."
"Too far. I dead ain even violate you like dat" Nadia gasped before mugging him. "But you did tho" Ethan replied, turning his neck to the side so she could see all the purple marks she left on his neck.
Nadia scoffed and stood up from the kitchen counter. Her legs felt like noodles from how quickly she stood causing her to quickly grip the cold surface. She proceeded to lift Ethan's oversized shirt she wore and she pulled down the boxers just below her hips showing only her side. "Shutcho ass up. Mine are worse" she exclaimed showing him the marks on her waist that were turning purple from his deadly grip on her hips last night.
Ethan smiled as his eyes widened in shock. "Let me see," he said softly, his smile never wavering as he made his way over to her. "This shit so fye," he said in a low tone, putting his hands where the marks were as Nadia held her shirt up. "You're a masochist," Nadia scoffed, shaking her head as he nearly took her clothes off, trying to check for any more marks.
"Aight now, get off of me," she said shoving him back as he began getting all touchy with her. He chuckled stumbling back with a shrug. "Can we talk though? Like actually have a conversation" he asked.
"Conversations don't end well with us."
"It will this time, I promise."
Nadia eyed him suspiciously but ended up giving in. If he wanted to talk, he could talk but she wasn't willing to confess her feelings to him just for him to disregard what she was saying or pick certain parts to hear.
"First, I wanna apologize to you, Nadia. You the only person on this earth that's patient enough to put up with me, and I appreciate you. You're really my heart on legs and I know I don't say it often but I really do love and appreciate everything you do. Even something as li' as doing my hair word to my deads.
I'm sorry for what you had to witness a few weeks ago and I'm thankful you were strong enough to call for help and— I thank you for being there for dd. He the one that takes everything to heart and I know my actions have hurt him just as much as I hurt you because even though he won't say it, that lil nigga my shadow.
And I know for a fact ddot and Jay don't say this shit, but they appreciate you also. You didn't turn your back on them just cause we had our problems and that's some real ass shit Nadi. You already know my moms and Mel loves you.
You put up with a lot of shit, but I wanna let you know that I no longer wanna be part of that equation. It's not fair that you gotta worry about me 24/7 while I do whatever child shit I get into. You don't deserve that, nor do you have time for it. Between doing hair and being in school, and paying bills and shit, your plate is full, so forgive me for being selfish.
You been holding me down for so long and God knows I don't deserve that shit. I guess this is me actually breaking us up for good.
You shouldn't have to wait on me or worry about how I feel when you talk to guys and I'm sorry for my behavior towards Jabril. I don't know how to explain it but— I guess— I want you to live your life like I never came home. Your life has to move on with or without me. So whether I get my shit together or not, you need to make sure you're straight above all else. If you have time to spare to come back for me, do as you wish, but if not, keep going. Keep doing hair, keep making money, and keep being full of life.
I know you dream of being outside of New York and ima be honest, that's not in my plans for the near future right now. This is our 11th-grade year and I know after you graduate you gone take your ass up out of New York.
I just wanna get rid of that attachment before the time comes so that it isn't too hard for you to make a decision. Ima always be here for you, I'll always love you. But we can't be together. I'm no good for you right now, and I don't know if I'll ever be good enough.
If you ever need someone to talk to or ever want some company, you know who to call, but all that lovey-dovey shit we do is dead. It has to be this shit is bigger than us mama. You're bigger than New York. Your heart is bigger than all the materialistic shit I know I can provide for you.
Nadia, you just don't know how much I love you, it takes a lot— a fucking lot for me to say all this cause I don't wanna let you go I— I love you more than anything of this fucking earth like— on my soul Nadia. You my heart on legs, which is why I gotta do this. We gotta separate. Don't cry, mama."
Ethan softly chuckled as he wiped Nadia's tears. She stared up at him with a small, innocent pout that made his heart pound against his chest. He was sweating from nervousness and he felt like he was fighting a panic attack as his breath dared to quicken. Nadia was shocked. I mean, she was preparing to say the same shit but to hear him say it was so surreal.
She couldn't believe he just said that. The fact that he articulated himself so well showed that he had clearly been thinking about that for a while. All she could say was...
Respect.
She had so much respect for him at this moment. Considering all the dumb shit he's been doing, it surprised her that he was capable of saying something so smart.
He had to let her go. He was the one holding her down.
"I love the air you breathe Nadi Osama," he said so softly, she nearly missed his words. He gently grabbed her jaw and pulled her in for what felt like their last kiss...
_____
1950 words short chapter
SOO MF EXTRAA😭😭
ddot, kay flock, or notti (for my next book I'm publishing)
I love this book yall omg🙄🙄🤭🤭
Sorry for the long paragraphs and typos, etc
I KNOW THIS SHIT IS CORNYY I HAVENT BEEN READING LATELY SO I LOWKEY LOST MY WAY WITH WORDS CHILL ON MEEE
Should Nadia get preggers some time in this story or nah??