"You all right, then?" asked Sarah the next afternoon after the twins' departure, sitting on her bed next to Selena's. They'd avoided the subject yesterday, it was all a bit too raw to talk about but now the dorm was empty and they could just start bawling their eyes out. If Selena felt like doing that. Sarah couldn't think of a reason she would do that. Not a one.
She nodded, "I promise. We're okay. I understand why he chose to leave. I'll just focus on the NEWTs, see him in a few months."
"Okay," said Sarah, getting under her covers, putting her headset on.
"Hey," whispered Selena before she could start the music.
Sarah slid an earmuff to the side to hear her.
"Are you okay?" she asked softly.
"Of course, why wouldn't I be?"
"Fred left, too," said Selena, pursing her lips. Sarah stared at her for a second and took off her headset completely.
"It hits different when I hear it," she said quietly.
Selena furrowed her brows, turned to her, "If I ask you something, do you promise to tell me? No sarcasm, no humor, just straightforward."
Sarah breathed in deep, fought the urge to actually make a joke, being deprived of her coping mechanisms while facing an unknown question, but after a second to think about it and because she knew Selena, Sarah nodded.
Selena pursed her lips, obviously trying to form the delicate question without brisk forwardness, "Are you in love with him, Sarah?"
The breath got knocked out of Sarah's lungs and Selena didn't need much more than that to know. Sarah leaned her head against the wall, her mind flashing a ridiculously long montage that brought her back hours, days, months and years ago.
She felt there was something else there, when he held her, when she silently asked him to do something, anything, but it was so brief, maybe she'd imagined it. What she felt for Fred flickered for years like the spark from striking two stones together, like a damn firework. It made her shake her head in disbelief at the predictable metaphor her mind had found.
And at a time unbeknownst to her, much earlier than at the Astronomy Tower, it caught fire, expanded into a burning, glowing star, illuminating her rainy blue sky wherever she went. It was bright and pure like the shape and sound of his laughter, it was a faded shade of violet, like the twilight above their heads at the Astronomy Tower, it was a soft orange like the color of his hair when the summer sun hit it. It was a sparkling golden, it was love.
"I am, Selena, completely."
"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Selena thoughtfully.
Sarah shook her head, feeling her tears climb against her will. "I don't, I really don't," she whimpered surprising herself by the outburst of sadness all of a sudden, reaching for a tissue to blow her nose. "I don't want to think about it. I just can't. Talk to me about something else, what was that letter I saw you hide in your desk earlier?"
Selena watched her friend a bit woefully, but when Sarah renewed her plea to talk about something else, Selena abided and told her. It was about the Auror program she applied to. She'd always wanted to be a teacher, until she joined the DA and saw how the world could be, and now she'd changed career paths mere months before her NEWTs and she felt a bit self-conscious. Which is what they talked about during that evening, until Angelina and the rest stumbled over into their dorms.
Sarah didn't want to think about Fred, or talk about what she felt for him because it didn't matter. He left, his life was starting. And hers didn't stop, she had the NEWTs and St Mungo's to think about, shutting down her memories of Fred's arms around her when she had hesitated about it.
It all seemed to fall into place with her career plan, all the more convincing her she had made the right choice. People expected her to become an Auror, like her parents, claimed she inherited their skills, but she felt confident about her future. She was meant to be a Healer.
_
As soon as they reached the ground of their new place, Fred and George got to work, both obviously avoiding any discussion about Sarah and Selena. It was unsaid between the two, it didn't need to be said, one knew to his core what the other was hurting about.
They set up their rooms with the bare minimum so they can spend their first night.
The second day was slightly lighter. As promised, Selena sent their trunks and leather bags, and that put a wide smile on George's face, making the tidying around much easier.
Fred set up the glasses in the kitchen, something about that taking his mind back where it knows it shouldn't go, at a time where it was easier. It didn't help when he unpacked the books, either, having stumbled upon the books she lent them to start up their inventions. He ruffled through them, smiled at her handwriting.
"Well that's the first time I've seen you smile in the last couple days, Freddie," said George, walking towards him. Fred closed the book and set it on the shelf.
"Hey," called George, making Fred turn to him. "Talk to me. I'm on your side, always, Freddie. Come on."
"I don't know what to say, George. I really don't. Actually, don't know how-"
"You want me to say it for you?" George inquired.
Fred clenched his jaw and looked down, not daring to say it out loud.
"Okay, well, first let me tell you you have been carrying around for the past two days the same look, and that look has a name, Freddie, I named it the 'McCauley beam' because you have it whenever Sarah's around or on your mind. It's usually a beam, your whole face lights up when you see her. Only now it's brooding, too, and I think you need someone to talk it through with."
"McCauley beam?" asked Fred disbelievingly, thinking about Charlie all of a sudden. They eyes, Freddie, they never lie.
"Don't mock the name. It's actually flattering, because Ginny had it right, you literally have hearts shooting out of your eyes," George assured him, "I don't think you have any interest in denying it."
George paused and locked eyes with Fred, who for the first time didn't actually deny anything, he was too confused and bruised emotionally to argue right now.
"Second, there is something. And there has been something for years, always actually. I wanted to ask you about it, make you face it, so you can finally do something about it, but after seeing your goodbye with her and you around the flat, I don't think the question even needs to be asked. Because it is obvious, Fred. And you know what I mean," said George, ending it with a knowing nod.
Fred knew, but he couldn't say it out loud, if he said it out loud, it became real, and then the risk will become much, much more real than what he'd anticipated.
Fred shook his head, "I can't, Georgie. I can't, it's McCauley. Sarah. We've known her since we were four, she's our best friend, I can't-"
"You can't what?" asked George, taking a step towards his twin, seeing how the spiral was taking a hold of him, "You can't what? Be in love with her?"
Fred sighed and rubbed his jaw anxiously, "It's ridiculous."
"Why would it be ridiculous?"
"Because!" Fred snapped without meaning to, unsuccessfully trying to veil his panic and jittering. "Because," he said again, calmly this time, keeping his tone wistful and low, "I am. I am in love with her completely and, honestly that bloody scares the shit out of me."
"Of course it does," George nodded intently, "It's not without risk, it never is, Fred. We're all afraid of love. But what you need to figure out is what scares you exactly, so you can push through it."
"I don't-" Fred sighed, and rubbed his jaw again, "I can't lose her."
George crossed his arms, tilting his head to the side to show he was listening intently, "Who says you'll lose her?"
Fred had to say it now, it came down to it and he couldn't sulk alone anymore. He closed his eyes to gather what remained of his dignity and didn't look at George when he spoke, instead he looked through the window, "I know I will, because I'm a complete moron."
"Why? What did you do?" asked George, a slightly worried frown appearing on his face.
Fred rolled his eyes at himself, "She told me to go, live my dream, and I told her the actual dream was...well, her."
That caught George off guard for a few seconds, saw Fred's face completely defeated. But he had trouble believing Sarah simply let him say that and brush over it. "And you're telling me she didn't react to that?" he eyed Fred confusedly. "Sarah McCauley heard you say something like that and she simply didn't react? Did she hear you? Or did you mutter it and expected her to read it on your lips?"
Fred brought his hands over his face, trying to remember, ran them through his hair and dropped them, "I don't know. It flew out, and the next thing I knew she was telling me we were always meant to go on different paths, anyway, so that pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?"
"Sums up what?" asked George, trying to get Fred talk his way through whatever he was feeling, knowing it can only be beneficial. He needed an outside opinion on the situation.
"That I'm her friend, what I've always been, what I'll always be, that she doesn't-" Fred winced, "That it's one-sided." He lifted a hand up in defeat and let it drop, hitting his hip, and he dug his hands into his pockets, turning to glance through the window and at the streetlights of Diagon Alley.
He could settle with just being her friend, whatever she wanted them to be. He'll still wonder how it could be though, holding her close, being hers, the person she thinks about and smiles, almost lifts off the ground, her kissing his face and snuggling into his arms, feeling her lips against his, hearing her whisper into his ear. He'll simply wonder.
George knew that couldn't be right. He knew there had to be something, Sarah had some sort of way of looking at Fred that switched up, just like his gaze when she was concerned. And if that was the case, she also must be terrified by what she was feeling, just like Fred.
"I'm not trying to give you false hope, Freddie, but I'm not blind. I'm telling you, I am her friend. You are not just her friend," George stated firmly.
"I don't want to risk her, whatever happens, I can't risk her." There it was, his deepest fear that he finally confessed to his twin brother, and George nodded, putting an arm around his shoulders.
"You'll figure it out, Freddie," George whispered reassuringly.
Fred nodded absentmindedly, telling himself that over and over in hopes of this statement entering his brain and becoming true.
When he felt himself unhook from the spiral that dragged him down the past few days, he smiled, "I know I said that before but, McCauley beam?"
George snorted with laughter, squeezing Fred's shoulder playfully, "I'm telling you, don't mock the name. Why don't I give you a mirror next time she's around, see for yourself how right I am." He held up his finger, "I also would like recognition that I specifically used 'McCauley' and not 'Sarah', you were always the only one who called her that, people kept pointing it out. Almost like you saw her differently, you know. She is 'McCauley' to you, different than anyone else. It's quite beautiful."
Fred smiled to himself, "It slowly matured with us, but it's always been there, I guess. "
George nodded then sent him an amused glance, "But I've got to ask, are you that lousy at flirting that you couldn't think of anything else besides just calling her by her last name?"
Fred laughed wholeheartedly, throwing an arm around his twin, incredibly grateful to him for being here and making it happen, "I have no idea what to answer to that. I guess I am. But only with Mc- Sarah," he glanced amused at George, "Just her."
"Well, that's something," breathed out George, the both of them now staring at through the window. "How incredible is it that she and Selena set us up with this place?"
Fred smiled, "Bloody terrific. I think a McCauley and Selena partnership could solve some pretty big world problems."
George started to laugh, and Fred grinned widely, feeling a bit better than before. He handpicked memories of her to focus on, simple snippets of her smile, and also combined them with the excitement of starting their business here.
"Argh," George teased, poking Fred's arm. "There it is, the McCauley beam."
Fred shot him a deadpan look.
"You've got to expect me teasing you about that," George shook his shoulder again, making Fred's head rock from side to side.
"Don't push it, though," warned Fred, but couldn't help the smile creeping up on his face.
"That's up to me to decide, mate," laughed George and clapped his back, returning to stare out at the sky filled with stars, contemplating what the rest of their lives would look like.
__
Exams, exams, exams.
That was all that Sarah and Selena thought about until June, when they finally passed them all. Sarah continued treating those who got detention, and kept her head down, getting through the rest of her time at Hogwarts. She used to love it, and she hated that Umbridge took that away.
After the NEWTs, technically, there wasn't anything keeping Sarah and Selena on Hogwarts grounds. Selena packed and decided to leave early, visiting George, too. Sarah chose to stay a few more days until the end, for Harry and Ginny.
She was roaming the corridors when her vision blackened and she needed to hold on to the wall. She saw the fog again, just like the night Arthur was attacked. Her breathing fastened, and she was overtaken by a worrying feeling, something horrible was about to unwind, but she couldn't tell what. She slid down to the floor when her whole body started burning, clenching her teeth.
She breathed out, relieved when it stopped and opened her eyes, facing the landscape that leads away from this place and after blinking multiple times to focus her eyes, she saw Thestrals flying, and she recognized she silver hair of Luna and Ron and Ginny's ginger hair from afar. She felt something hit her shoulder. She looked to her side and saw a small letter levitating with her name written. She opened it
Padfoot is in danger
Department of Mysteries, we need back up
-Harry
Her heart sank, knowing that was what the feeling was about. Something turned off in her brain, her sole focus becoming saving Sirius. If he was in danger she needed to warn the Order, to warn Remus. If Harry and his friends were about to face Voldemort and Death Eaters, they need help, they needed Aurors.
She didn't have a choice, she took out her wand, promised herself if something happened, she'll repay Harry.
"Accio Firebolt!"
After a minute, Harry's broom came flying into her hand, with some bits of shackles still around it. Umbridge had confiscated it and chained it somewhere in the castle.
She mounted it, remembering she hadn't ridden a broom for a few years. In this moment she regretted all those time she refused to let Fred and Oliver teach her properly.
She let out breath, pushed a bit up. And then she was flying. It took her a while to stop trembling, but continued to focus on Sirius. She followed the train rails that the Hogwarts Express was taking, hoping she'll catch up with Harry and the others, or at least arrive at the Head-Quarters in a short time. Her heart was pounding at the speed and height. It was a fast broom, her insides seemed to shrink, the feeling was terrible, she kept twisting in the air, took a while to actually fly on top of the broom, instead of spinning around it while it flew.
She had no notion of time whatsoever, but she saw the Big Ben clock from afar and knew she was approaching London. She didn't see Harry or anybody else on her way up there, but it didn't matter, now. She could Apparate immediately at the Ministry as soon as she warns Remus. She crashed on the ground instead of descending from the broom, but she managed not to break anything, at least. She grabbed the Firebolt and entered the Head-Quarters.
"Remus! Moody! Tonks! Someone!" she shouted as loudly as she could, letting the broom on the ground.
She heard footsteps coming closer, and she saw Sirius coming towards her, followed by Remus.
"What are you doing here?" she shrieked at Sirius.
"I live here! What are you doing here?" he shrieked back, taking the same tone, probably meaning it as a joke but she couldn't do anything but spiral and stare at him in horror.
Remus pushed past him, setting his hands on her shoulders, "What's wrong? You flew here?"
She nodded then turned back to Sirius, "You are supposed to be in danger at the Ministry! Why aren't you in danger at the Ministry!?"
He exchanged a look with Remus and frowned, now deeply worried, "I was on some business there, but I just got back, I wasn't in any danger."
Sarah's face fell apart, "Harry's flying there! He thinks you're in there, we need to go!"
The color from the three faces in that room disappeared.
"Tonks!" bellowed Sirius with the loudest voice Sarah had ever heard. "Moody!" They quickly hurried towards them, Sirius explained in few words what they needed to do and everyone grabbed their wands.
Sarah saw the fog again, her legs gave out on her and Remus held her. "What's wrong?" he asked, eyeing her with a wrinkled face.
"I don't know. We need to leave. Department of Mysteries, now!" she shouted. They all exchanged a look before, and she knew it was about that it object no one was naming.
Sarah Apparated at the Ministry, right between Harry and Lucious Malfoy, stumbling and rolling down, holding something round. She looked at her hand, and recognized the fog she had seen. It illuminated at her touch. She saw a shadowy figure of Trelawney forming, started to speak, it made her stomach turn. She heard bits of sentences, like it took a bit of time to get to her, He shall have power the Dark Lord knows not, a Protec-
She was sent flying backwards and while she managed to block her violent crash against the wall, she couldn't block the crystal ball's.
"Idiotic wrench!" hissed a deranged looking woman, Sarah could only guess it was Bellatrix Lestrange. She sent a flash of green light towards Sarah that she managed to dodge and she quickly stunned her, sending her flying backwards. She blocked and sent defensive spells all around her, Sirius and Bellatrix entered into a duel, that was mostly her shooting Unforgivable Curses at him and Sirius sneering at her. Sarah ran towards Ginny who was leaning against the wall, "You all right?" she kneeled down to inspect her ankle.
"She broke it," said Luna in a breathy voice.
Sarah nodded, pointed her wand at her ankle and bandages shot out, keeping the ankle straight. Ginny winced, then let out a breath of intense relief.
"Oh, thank you, so much," Ginny sighed out in relief.
"Don't let her lean on that foot," said Sarah authoritative to Luna before setting herself in front of her and dueling another Death Eater. She blocked a flash of red, knowing it was the Cruciatus Curse, "You don't know any other spells, you dodgy fuck?" she bellowed and he growled like an animal at her.
She successively tried Stunning and the Impediment Charm, which he blocked. So she crouched down, and drew an X with her wand, pointing at his leg. He fell down, screeching in pain.
"What did you do to him?" asked Ginny, grimacing at the sounds.
"Snapped his bone," said Sarah, "Let's get you down."
Sarah put Ginny's arm around her shoulders to hold her up and walked hastily with her, blocking some spells and crouching to escape the dark shadows flying around the room. She set Ginny down next to Ron, looked up to see Sirius, Remus and Harry fighting four Death Eaters. She ran up towards an archway next to them, blocking a red light that was shooting directly at Harry.
"Thanks!" he said, sending another spell.
Bellatrix was laughing, flying around the room in a dark shadow. Sarah and Harry had disarmed the other Death Eaters, and Sirius stunned Malfoy.
A flash of green light hit Sirius' side then, and Bellatrix's laugh resonated again in the vast space. Sarah's breath hitched, glanced at Sirius. He was still smiling from the final shot at Malfoy and he looked at Sarah then at Harry, his eyes becoming hollow and falling into the archway behind him, getting engulfed by the veil.
Sarah saw nothing but black and the archway before her. Her brain, her heart, her entire system shut down, and she dropped on the ground, not breathing, not thinking, just numb completely.
Harry let out a raw scream, a howl of agony and grief, fighting Remus' arms around him ferociously. It pierced Sarah's heart, tearing it apart, tearing it to shreds as she still stared, unable to breathe at the archway. Sirius had just died before them.
She was pulled back by a voice, a voice that made her familiar to the sentiment of loathing.
"I killed Sirius Black! I killed Sirius Black!"
Blinded by rage, Harry ran out, with Sarah after him.
"Crucio!" shouted Harry, a ball of red light shooting out of the tip of his wand but he didn't mean it, he couldn't, it only made her fall down.
"Harry!" bellowed Sarah, pointing her wand at Bellatrix.
"Quite familiar with the Cruciatus curse, aren't you?" she asked Sarah, a sick smile on her face. Sarah's tongue itched to speak it. She could do it, right now, make her pay for Neville's parents, for Sirius, for countless others.
Her head turned to Harry, he was twitching, which meant Voldemort was messing with him again.
And before she knew it, Bellatrix was gone, Harry's wand flew out of his hand. Sarah raised her wand and she flew backwards, her wand dropping several feet away from her.
She was facing Voldemort, now. Sarah glanced at her wand, she couldn't reach it unless there was a distraction. She looked back at Voldemort and saw he was staring, glaring, at her arm. Her sleeve was rolled up and her mark was visible.
"My, my. You're still alive," he whispered, taking a step closer. "How?"
She ignored his question, she wasn't about to break that night down for him. Instead she brought a hand up to scratch her nose, "And you seem to be missing something, don't you?" She wasn't going to let him know how terrifying the sight of him before her whilst she was completely disarmed was.
She heard a hissing voice, the hissing voice and he pointed his wand directly at her, "Following in your parents' footsteps, I see. They'd be proud." He glanced at her arm again, held up his wand. "Crucio."
Sarah cried out and threw her head back, becoming paralyzed from the pain, although it was familiar to her by now, maybe she greeted it as a dark, long lost friend.
"No! Stop!" shouted Harry, running towards her, and he was thrown on his back before he reached her. But the pain stopped much sooner than the last time she'd felt it, and Harry grabbed her wand, fell on his knees next to her.
"I'm so sorry, are you okay?" he asked panicked.
She nodded, getting up on her feet. She saw Dumbledore appear from green flames, setting himself between Harry, Sarah and Voldemort.
"It was foolish of you to come here tonight, Tom," said Dumbledore, holding his wand, but with a calm voice. "The Aurors are on their way."
"By which time I shall be gone, and you," said Voldemort, smiling, flashing his reptilian teeth, "Shall be dead."
Dumbledore pushed them to the side and he dueled Voldemort. Sarah covered Harry while electric shocks were hitting the tiles above them, sending pieces down next to them, some scratching their faces.
Voldemort broke the spell and formed an enormous fire snake, mouth opened, directing its fangs at Dumbledore. He destroyed it, sending all the fire back to Voldemort, flicked his wand and brought was seemed like a cascade of water, making up a sphere, trapping Voldemort inside it. He managed to get out, Dumbledore ordering Sarah and Harry, who had gotten up, to stay back.
Suddenly, Voldemort sent a powerful blow towards the whole room, breaking every glass it had, pieces of it starting to fall down. He assembled all of them, and made them fly towards Harry and Sarah, faces cut from the glass and tiles.
But Dumbledore put on a shield around the three of them, turning the glass as soon as it hit it into sand. Sarah and Harry got up, and Voldemort disappeared into a small whirl of sand. For a second, Sarah thought it was over, that they were safe. But she heard a muffled choke from Harry and he fell on the ground, Sarah with him.
"Harry!" she shook him, and he stared at her for a second, but it wasn't Harry right now.
His eyes turned a few shades brighter, filled with hatred when they looked at Dumbledore, "You've lost, old man."
"Harry," whispered Sarah, and then he groaned in pain, started convulsing in her arms.
"It isn't how you are alike, Harry. It's how you are not," she said forcefully, pulling on his jumper to keep him steady. She let out a whimper when he started to grunt again, visibly having an internal struggle.
His face was red, and his eyes were switching colors, he was possessed by real evil, and Sarah held on to him, tighter than she ever had, in every way possible, "I've got you," she whispered to him, the promise they've made each other since they met. And that seemed to be doing something but not what she expected. She just hoped he will keep fighting Voldemort.
"Argh!" he threw his head backwards and she still held him tightly, not letting him leave her grasp.
He let his limbs fall, twitching every now and then, "I've got you," she repeated. And then, Hermione, Ron, Neville, Luna and Ginny walked in, too, and he looked up at Sarah, the blue of his eyes came back and stayed this time. He turned, staring at nothing.
"You're the weak one," he said, "And you'll never know love or friendship. And I feel sorry for you."
His whole body seemed to relax, and from Harry's chest flew out a shadow. When he came back, the first thing he saw was Sarah's comforting gaze, he felt her unyielding support and she wrapped her arms around him.
"Thank you," he whispered, holding on to her tightly.
"You did it, you fought him, you were brilliant," she told him. People started to arrive then, Fudge walked in and saw the faint shadow of Voldemort.
"He's back," he whimpered, his face turning white.
"About time, you tosser," mumbled Sarah.
Harry let out a weak chuckle, he was still recovering from being possessed. She helped him up, let him lean on her while he walked. Dumbledore led them towards an exit, and cameras started flashing at Harry's face.
Sarah took her wand and made an ample movement, every single camera in the room blew up into bits, "You sick fuckers. Get out of here," she thundered at two of the reporters in front of them. They all started protesting, holding up the bits of blown out cameras, only Sarah didn't care. She was gone in a second, not letting go of Harry and Harry not letting go of her, because they were now both thinking the same thing. They were a family of four, and tonight, they'd lost someone.