Intro:
This feedback is for the book Music & Butterflies by AbsMin84. This chapter will be dedicated to the author. Music & Butterflies is a soulmate AU BTS fanfic with an attention to detail and a unique spin on a genre that has become cliché.
~~~
Detailed Review
What Worked:
This is very strange praise I am yet to give any author, but I like the title. I know, it's strange to point out in a review that's supposed to focus on the details, but I feel it's important. The title, cover, and description are the three things responsible for getting the reader to click on a story. For that reason, I want to put emphasis on the title being good.
I know I'm biased and all but I'm being serious when I say Jimin's character is probably my favorite. Reading about his backstory in the intro made me audibly say "Oh no." I'll say more on this later, but Jimin has the most intriguing background for me, and I am being unbiased when I say that. The tragedy Jimin endured, and him being the only member going through it, makes him stand out. It gives him an emotional layer that makes the readers understand and relate to him. I always say that readers tend to attach more to relatable characters, not likeable characters, and Jimin is a prime example of that. His tragedy makes him relatable and we want to see him succeed. So great job with Jimin.
This story has amazing aesthetics and layouts. I can tell you put a lot of work into it. The graphics are great. I was surprised to see a floor plan in chapter 9 detailing where all the members stayed. Then there were the headers that named the POV. Then the blog post and the contest entry form. You put lots of effort in to make the story feel real, and I always appreciate a writer who goes the extra mile for their story.
I want to say that again: I appreciate how much effort you put into the story. Thank you for writing it. It's not every day a writer puts that much dedication into a story let alone a fanfic. It's very refreshing and I'm so glad you were passionate about it. Never lose that passion!
I mentioned in the intro that this story has an attention to detail. That's true, it does. The word choice is vivid and adds nice little details into the story. Even though I am not someone who can picture scenes in my mind, the vivid imagery allowed me to enjoy the story more.
I also said in the intro that you put a unique spin on a genre I find cliché nowadays. So many people do soulmate AUs and I find them boring, but you put a nice spin on it that intrigued me. I enjoyed the concept of soulmate marks turning white when one of the pair die before they meet. That added an emotional weight to the story and I enjoyed it very much.
Speaking of things I enjoyed very much, I liked how you wrote Jin. Jin was a great comic relief with his iconic personality translating onto the page nicely. In my opinion, you captured his personality the best out of all the boys, and normally writers struggle with writing Jin and giving him something to do, but you gave him lots of lines and things to do!
Yoongi was good too. All of the boys were written well but Jin and Jimin in particular were great. Jimin because his character arc was super engaging and Jin because he was translated onto the page well. Yoongi was translated well too. He had his moments where he was very cute and lovable.
The setting was written well. It's rare someone actually gives an accurate depiction of South Korea, but this was pretty well done. It was realistic and the little details were nicely done.
~~~
What Didn't Work:
I only have five critiques but they're long, so I apologize for the length. I'm an over-explainer. 90% of this section is about exposition tbvvh 😭 I'm sorry.
You have some tense issues. You're writing in past tense, but there were some incorrect slips into present tense that were jarring. However, don't worry too much about it cause it wasn't too often. Just something to keep in mind for the future.
I wasn't a big fan of your hook. The opening chapter wasn't paced well, and by the end of the dancing sequence, as much as it gives us insight to Astrid's character, I was asking myself "Why?". Why was that scene necessary? What did you do with that scene that you couldn't have done later? Why couldn't that scene be combined with another one to make it do more?
Unfortunately, ftr's don't have a long attention span (ftr's don't lie, you know it's true). We need to be hooked in. There's way too much exposition. I found myself struggling to remember half of the exposition by the end of the first chapter anyway.
Honestly, I didn't find most of the first chapter interesting until she started talking to her mother. I didn't care for the exposition and dancing in the beginning. In my opinion, it could have been put in a later chapter. Especially since some of the exposition earlier is stated again in the dialogue.
I.e., "I still can't believe she was born on your death's anniversary." That line alone tells us everything we need to know. And Astrid also says "Even better than when I adopted you on your fifth birthday?" to Sophie, which renders much of the exposition about the adoption timeline redundant since it's explained in dialogue later. You don't need to explain why Sophie's bday is special. Those lines do it for us. Astrid's actions do it for us.
When too much is thrown at the audience, we forget and get bored. I was getting interested when Sophie and Astrid were together, then the section cut to more exposition, introducing a bunch of characters and giving them their own paragraphs of exposition. You shouldn't have to tell us about the characters. Show us those traits you're telling us. You shouldn't have to tell me Candice is the free spirit, I should see it in the way she acts. Focus more on showing over telling.
My fellow writing majors and I always say that too much exposition in the beginning is a red flag because most of the time it ends up dragging out the first chapter. I actually got dunked on in my writing class because I had one paragraph of exposition within the first ten pages. They suggested breaking it up into dialogue and sprinkling it more evenly throughout the story, and you know what? They were right. My story ended up flowing better and felt more natural. I would suggest the same for you. Instead of exposition dumping, try breaking it up and sprinkling things in. Tell the reader as much as you can through the character's actions and dialogue, and also how they react to dialogue.
For example:
"Welcome to Earth. Congratulations," he said as he spread his arms, "you've made it to the last standing bunker in New York."
"You're far from home, hellspawn. Busan, right?"
Jeongmin's smile almost faltered. "You know me."
"Angels oversee human life. In the shadows, but we're always there."
"I'm no human."
"Your mother was."
So much exposition is given through those lines. The things we definitely know is that Jeongmin isn't human but his mother was, the setting is New York, Jeongmin is from Busan, and an angel is watching him. You can also make inferences based on the dialogue such as Jeongmin's feelings about Busan (his smile faltering) and his background (denying being human).
Look at how much was learned through six lines. In creative writing, one of the goals is to do as much with as little as possible. How can you get the most across with the fewest amount of lines? Ask yourself what every line is doing to further the story. While it is obviously okay to give exposition in the form of paragraphs, if you can break it up, put it in dialogue, and find better places for it, that could improve the pacing.
Again, these are all just suggestions and I'm not saying you have to do them since I don't want to take away your writing style. I'm just giving suggestions because the pacing felt too slow for me and the exposition was the reason why.
This is a personal thing, but I feel it would've made more sense for Jimin's character to have him choose the Japanese woman in chapter 2 and have Joon choose Sophie. Instead of explicitly telling us Jimin lost his soulmate, you could add intrigue by not revealing it through exposition and instead using Jimin's words/actions to show it. It's small things like that that makes a story more engaging.
For example, Jimin recommends the Japanese woman, and his voice hitches, or it cracks, or he breaks off in the middle of explaining, etc. There are plenty of options you have. As much as I audibly said "Oh no" when I read his past in the intro chap, I feel it would've been more effective to have the reader guess instead of know. Especially considering his arc throughout the story and ending up with Faye, starting off with that intrigue could add suspense and engagement. I understand it's a lil too late for that, but that's just a suggestion to keep in mind for the future. Ask yourself: "What information should I hide from the audience to build intrigue?"
I've said it a few times in this book, but I'll say it again: the 2 + 2 = 4 equation. Readers like to figure things out, so don't tell us the answer to the equation. Instead, give us the equation. Give us 2 + 2 so we can make 4, don't give us 4. The same applies here with Jimin.
Again I don't want to take away your writing style or anything, that's just an alternative for your future works. Instead of explicitly stating a character's past, consider hiding it and giving hints to add more engagement to the story.
This is a nitpick but Sophie doesn't act her age. In both Korean and English she sounds way too mature and sounds more like a 16 y/o. I.e., when she was explaining what each symbol meant in chapter 9. She sounded like a 16 y/o, not a 9 y/o.
The fact that she was able to learn Korean in such a short time at such a young age is also strange. I know it's easier for kids to learn languages, but it's still odd that she's that good at Korean by 9 years old, especially considering my previous point about how she sounds 16 both in Korean and English despite being 9.
I have been learning Korean for almost as long as her and still can barely hold a 5 min convo, and the same applies to every other Korean minor/major friend I have. And we're studying it at a professional level by native Korean speakers in a very intense program.
Obviously it varies from person to person and some people are more naturally gifted at learning languages, but that's just something to keep in mind for future works. I find it hard to believe a 9 y/o is fluent in English and Korean and is learning German at the same time. Especially since she says words that make her sound more 16 than 9.
This is another nitpick but also be careful with how you handle your female protagonists. I understand it's fanfic, but it was hard to get invested in Astrid because she seemed too perfect to me.
She's good at a lot of things, she's beautiful, has countless people who like her, she's intelligent and praised for that intelligence, college educated, she's great at pole dancing, her success with the radio station, she has no gag reflex, she's rich, her soulmate is Min Yoongi, and she speaks 6 languages, and she's learning one of the hardest languages in the world... see why it comes off as a bit much? That's without mentioning how she isn't that old. She isn't even out of her 20s yet and she's this talented and well off.
Individually, there's nothing wrong with those talents and traits. It becomes a problem when the positive talents and traits build on each other until I can list 5 positive traits for every 1 of her negative traits.
~~~
Side Note:
I suggest changing how the book is advertised or the disclaimer. You are obviously within your rights to write about whatever you want and I am not critiquing that, but with how much smut there is, I would suggest putting an extra warning. I understand it's already a mature story, but the smut made up about half of the chapters in the story and I was not expecting that based on how it was advertised and the disclaimer. It was every chapter if not every other chapter. Every two chapters at most.
So even though it is 18+, I would recommend putting an extra warning somewhere. It's one thing to say "sexual content ahead" and it's another for it to make up half the almost 90 chapter story. Especially since in your disclaimer you state you won't be leaving additional warnings, which is why it's even more important to put every possible mature warning into the disclaimer. It's not like a bookstore where someone can Google the book and find out the graphic contents; Wattpad readers rely on that disclaimer to know what they're getting into, which is the only reason why I'm bringing it up at all.
A mature story has different levels of maturity. This story I would consider more mature than most mature stories, which again, is fine. You write about whatever you want to write about, I'm not judging or critiquing, I'm just leaving a suggestion since it shocked me and I'm not someone who gets shocked by smut very often considering I write it, and I write plenty of it.
Again, not a critique, just a suggestion. Since there's so much sexual content, I don't want you to get in trouble with Wattpad or readers or anything like that. That's actually why I changed the warning on Psycho to include that the sexual content was frequent and very kinky.
~~~
Summary:
- Jimin has an incredible character
- The title is eye catching
- Jin is written well and is a welcome comic relief
- Soulmate AUs are very cliché nowadays, but you put a unique spin on it
- Amazing aesthetics + I can tell you put so much effort into this story, which I appreciate
- The setting was written well
- Yoongi is a good character
- Tense issues
- Way too much exposition, especially in chapter 1
- Consider hiding more of a character's past to give your story more intrigue/engagement (i.e., Jimin)
- Sophie speaks a little too maturely for her age
- Astrid is close to being too perfect and that can make her uninteresting at times
- Consider including a warning about how much sexual content there is since it makes up half the story and it's very very kinky
~~~
Overall:
Music & Butterflies is a cute soulmate AU that's perfect for every BTS fan. It has its cute, spicy, and angsty moments that make it a worthy read. Although there is an overuse of exposition, particularly in the first chapter, the lovable characters shine and make the story so much fun. I recommend this story to every BTS fan, especially those who want to see a unique spin on a trope that has been dominating Wattpad recently.
~~~
Thank you for submitting your story. I enjoyed my read. Yours took longer than most of the others because it was the longest story submitted, I hope that's okay. I wanted to make sure my review was detailed, so I decided to read it as I would every story. But because it was long, it took me longer. Again, I hope that is okay. I can't wait to see your future works, and congrats on all your success. It looks like Music & Butterflies is doing very well, especially for your first work on your profile. Keep up the great work, and please do not hesitate to lmk if you need anything! It's always a pleasure to see you in my comments. I hope my feedback was helpful and I explained the exposition thing clearly (sorry, I over explain-). Please let me know if you have any questions.
More reviews coming soon. Now that I only have a few reviews left, I am posting the author's interview book shortly after this chapter goes live. So if you want to get an interview, head on over to that book and request one!