"Sorry for showing up here with such short notice, by the way" Mei said as we sat on the two chairs around my table.
"Don't worry I wasn't doing much anyway. I'd ask if you want anything to drink but I only have water or tea" I chuckled.
"I'm good, thanks" she vaguely smiled. "Anyway, I just wanted to apologize for basically ignoring you all week. I know that's not the right way to deal with stuff"
"It's alright, I appreciate the apology. I just wish you'd talked to me instead of doing that" I said, trying not to sound too relieved by her finally apologizing.
"Me too. I'm kind of dumb" she laughed lightly.
"You're not, I know a thing or two about not being able to handle my emotions" I shrugged. "But I hope Sarah's not mad at you anymore"
"No, she's calmed down too. I probably convinced her there's nothing to worry about"
"That's great. I'm happy for you" I said, knowing Sarah already probably knew there was nothing to worry about since I was in a relationship myself.
"Thanks" she smiled. "You know, I don't want to start this conversation again, but are you sure you're really not hiding something else from me?"
"I promise" I attempted to sound as convincing as I could.
"Okay...It's just that I've noticed a certain pattern with you and the others, but maybe it's just my imagination"
"W-what pattern?" my curiosity got stronger than my will to not create any further tensions.
"Just...Sarah's been stopping herself mid-sentence a lot when talking to you or about you, you've more than once told me you didn't want to spend time with Maya and proceeded to say you didn't mean it when I asked why, you're always using the same excuses to not catch the subway together when you don't have work immediately after class, you constantly hide your phone's screen from me when I happen to be close to you....should I go on?"
"No" was the only thing that I could say, coming out more as a choked sound than a word.
"Okay" she said, waiting for me to say something else. "Well?"
"What?" I mumbled, my breathing starting to get heavy.
"Are you gonna deny all of that?"
"I-" I really wanted to tell her it was all not true, that she was just being paranoid.
"So I'm right?" she went on.
"I...I don't know. I mean, kind of. Partly"
"I'm not sure I even want to know which part I'm right about" she raised an eyebrow.
I desperately wished I could have found an excuse for everything she'd just said, to tell her some lie that would make it all make sense to her.
But my brain was absolutely not working and all I could hear was ringing in my ears.
"Actually, as long as it doesn't involve Sarah, you don't have to tell me anything. Just don't think I haven't noticed. And I admit I'm feeling slightly disappointed, 'cause I thought we were genuinely friends" she continued as she saw I had nothing to say.
"Of course we are!" I blurted out, feeling offended.
"Actual friends tell each other everything" she sighed. "Just don't expect me to act normally until you tell me what's going on"
"Mei..." I started to say, not even knowing where the sentence was going, when the silence was suddenly disturbed by knocks on the door.
At that point I just sat there, my eyes wide and my heart racing because I knew it could have only been one person. And I'd forgotten to warn her not to come to my place, as I'd usually do if someone was over, because it was all so last moment. Everything was going from bad to worse.
"Aren't you gonna see who it is?" Mei asked, probably confused by my reaction.
"Yeah, no, it's okay" I stupidly muttered. What kind of answer even was that?
"What? I don't mind"
"No, uhm...no" were the only words I was capable of saying.
"Why are you being so weird? I'll go open the door if you don't" her face was more confused by the second.
"Okay, yeah" I said, getting up and just accepting my fate at that point. My legs felt so heavy that I was surprised about even being able to walk.
Maybe I could save myself from what was about to happen, since the door was only visible from a lateral angle from the table. Maybe Mei wouldn't have really seen whoever was behind it.
I opened it enough for me to even barely see the other side with shaky hands, finding myself face to face with Sam.
"Hi baby, I-" she started to say, visibly puzzled at my decision to not completely open the door.
"Not a good moment" I cut her off, whispering as if I wasn't aware of the fact that everything was perfectly audible from where Mei was, given how small the whole apartment was. "Mei's here" I added at an even lower volume.
"Oh, shit. Sorry. I'll go. See you later?" she started whispering too. We probably sounded ridiculous.
"Yeah" I nodded, not really knowing what to do next.
"Are you okay?" Sam added, walking further away.
"I don't know, not really. We can talk later" I said as she grasped what was going on, just nodding in response as I closed the door.
I just stood there for a few seconds, wishing I didn't have to turn around towards Mei at some point. I felt like my heart was beating so fast that it'd just sunk to my feet, and by then the shaking in my hands was perfectly visible.
"Please tell me that voice didn't belong to who I think it did" I barely heard her say.
"I- I don't know who you're talking about" I said, grasping onto one last bit of hope.
"Yes you do"
"Okay" I turned around, walking back to my chair. "So what? You know she lives here"
"Ellie..." I could tell she couldn't believe what I was saying. "Why was she looking for you? And most importantly, why did she call you 'baby'?"
"I-I...she didn't"
"I heard it loud and clear. Stop with the bullshit" she started to get more annoyed-looking.
"Do I really have to answer?"
"I'd say so... Why the fuck was our professor on your doorstep, calling you that? Or are you just gonna tell me I imagined it?"
"No...no you didn't imagine it" I said, almost feeling as if my life was flashing before my eyes.
I'd imagined that moment many times, but I'd never thought it'd be like that. And I always thought I would have had time to prepare what to tell her, instead of being basically obliged to do so.
"Okay...And you're not gonna give me more context to that?" she asked in a strangely calm way. Maybe she couldn't believe it herself.
"I...I don't know what to say" I really just couldn't get myself to tell her everything.
"Just answer my questions"
"She...she was on my doorstep because we know each other more than you probably thought..." I started, feeling on the verge of tears at that point. "And she called me that because, well, we're...you know"
"No, I don't know" she raised an eyebrow.
"For fuck's sake Mei, we're together, okay? She's my girlfriend!" I almost yelled, instantly regretting it.
"Your what?" she emphasized the last word, her eyes completely wide.
"My...my girlfriend" I started to feel ashamed, for some reason.
"No she isn't"
"I mean...she is, believe it or not" I instinctively laughed because of how ridiculous the situation was.
"How?"
"How what?"
"Just...how is it possible? That can't be true"
"You've been asking me to tell you what I'm hiding for days and once I finally tell you you don't believe me?"
"I never imagined that was your secret! How the fuck was I supposed to know? How did I not pick up on it? Are you sure you're not just making fun of me right now?"
"Pretty sure" I shrugged, not knowing if I felt like crying or laughing. Or both.
"How old is she even?"
"She's...thirty"
"This is absurd" she scoffed.
"Yeah, I know" for once we'd agreed on something.
"Why the fuck didn't you tell me before? When were you gonna tell me? Were you even gonna tell me about it at all?" her expression turned annoyed.
"Of course I was... just not when, you know, she was still our professor"
"How did it even happen? Did she- I'm not even sure I wanna know"
"It's not what it seems like. We-"
"I really don't wanna know right now" she got up.
"Wait, Mei..." I followed her.
"I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore...you've just been lying to me like that for months?" she started to raise her voice's volume.
"I just don't think you'd have taken it really well if I'd told you earlier. It would have just made things weirder"
"Well, dating your professor is already fucking weird as it is! What the fuck, Ellie? Did you cheat on all our exams thanks to her? Did you-"
"No! It's nothing like that, I swear...This is what I was scared of. But I swear nothing of that happened.
We met before I knew she'd be our-"
"I really don't wanna know" she breathed in, visibly trying to contain her anger. "Why the fuck do Sarah and Maya know about all of this? Why did you tell them?"
"That's a whole different story...it's complicated"
"Okay, I don't even wanna know about that" she shook her head. "I have so many questions...but I'm not sure I'd handle it all right now"
"If you'd let me answer them I'd be able to explain many things that are probably confusing you right now" I said, knowing she wouldn't let me anyway.
"I don't know, I'm just upset at you lying to my face for months and months at the moment. Do you not feel guilty?"
"Incredibly...but what could I have done? I know you're aware of the fact that you probably wouldn't have taken it well if I'd just told you"
"At least you wouldn't have been lying like that to someone you call your friend...and I'm even more distraught at the thought of my own girlfriend knowing before I did"
"If you'd just let me, I'd explain the reason behind that...please don't jump to conclusions" I almost made it sound as if I was begging her, trying to contain a sob.
"I don't wanna hear about it right now, Ellie. I really don't. But let me just tell you...I don't think whatever you have going on with this woman is healthy" she said, disappointed.
"What's that supposed to mean? You don't know anything" I furrowed my brows, not believing she'd just said that.
"I might not know anything, but judging from how many times you've been inexplicably sad or anxious in the past months...I'm guessing it was all because of her. You had me really worried each time, while you were just pretending to not know why you were feeling like that"
"I'm sorry. I really am" was all I could say, because she was right. "But seriously, please don't jump to conclusions"
"I have my own conclusions right now" she walked towards the door. "I don't even know how I'm gonna be able to sit through her classes with you next to me for the next weeks"
"That's why I didn't want to tell you..."
"Well, you should have hidden your secret a little better, then. I wouldn't have gotten suspicious in the first place, if you had" she started to walk out, not even looking at me.
"Wait, Mei" I stopped her. "You're not gonna report her or anything, right?"
"No, of course not. I'm not that much of a bitch"
"Thank you" I managed to vaguely smile.
"See you tomorrow, I guess" she murmured, walking down the stairs.
"See you tomorrow, I'm sorry" I said, not even sure if she'd heard me, before closing the door and letting myself sit on the floor with my back against it, not bothering to walk any further.
I brought my knees to my chest and buried my face in my hands, letting all the tears of frustration I'd been keeping in fall and still not believing what had just happened.