I HADN'T REALIZED HOW ISOLATED I WAS UNTIL I WALKED INTO THE ROOM THAT HELD MY BEST FRIEND.
My decision to not meet her until now was one that I made purely because I wasn't ready to be chewed out. I couldn't remember our last conversation. Whatever she told me, I suspected that it wasn't honeyed words.
It was dim, terribly lit all around, but most of all, it was old. The entire Clocktower was centuries old, sure, but this place was beyond that. Perhaps it wasn't well kept, maybe nobody cared enough about the people put here to add new decor. The bed must have been decades old.
Chrissy was well kept, but silent as she paced across the room, not having noticed me by her doorway yet. I was quiet, I'd been taught by Afton how to not expose yourself with loud footsteps. Chrissy was loud in this room. My hearing picked up on her frantic breath as she turned around to see me.
What was almost always a look of sweetness and understanding was cold, calculated, unlike the woman I'd known before I'd been forcibly turned into a vampire. Her dark brown eyes were furious and she didn't dare make a move towards me. A strong pit settled in my chest, my anxiety running through my veins down to my fingers that twitched with anticipation as to what she would say to me.
My former lover said nothing. Dead quiet, as if she were the statue and not me. It burned to see her upset with me in any way. We'd been together as lovers, then as friends for a period of time in my life that felt like it would be my last. Now she stood before me, looking into my newly reddened eyes, and it felt like she wasn't looking at me at all. She stared right through me.
Was I now this ugly thing to her?
Was being a vampire supposed to be an ugly thing?
The silence hurt more than any of her often poorly chosen words. The lack of transparency, my lack of memories about my turning- some parts could be explained by Chrissy. But I suspected she wouldn't share them. Between us, what had been a strong bond I thought couldn't falter, was breaking apart as I stood before her, a statue between humanity and monstrosity.
"Could you still want to be my friend when I'm a vampire?" I asked tentatively, hoping for a response that didn't include a no.
She didn't have to say yes, but it couldn't be a no.
No answer, so I asked another question to try and get something out of her.
"If the Volturi let you go, would you still be my friend?"
I stood there in stunned silence as she moved just a millimeter, just enough for me to see the terror on her face at the thought of her still being trapped. This isn't what I wanted for either of us, but this was what happened.
She threatened to expose the entire vampire civilization, and now she's a prisoner. There is no free speech for vampires, they have to keep the secret. No matter what. Bribe as many people as you need, kill whoever finds out, but do not let the secret get out.
I had to keep that secret now too. Anyone who wasn't a vampire from my previous life had to die to me. The Guards, the ones that were young and were stationed in the back of the Clocktower, they spoke about giving up their family and friends. Chrissy was my only family, the one person who I'd have called family if asked. The Cullens were my friends, some of my closest friends I'd ever had, but Chrissy, she was my best friend. She was family.
She didn't speak to me still, and my mind was growing inpatient as per usual. I couldn't remain calm for much longer.
Everything fell apart the night I died. Things crashed, things burned. I think that they're still burning. On the inside, my time with Chrissy flashed before my eyes. The good, the bad, the ugly.
All that was left was a selfish feeling of betrayal.
An absence of a yes means no.
---
I WAS IN A TERRIBLE MOOD WHEN I'D GOTTEN THE TEXT FROM CAIUS (AND BY PROXY, MARCUS) THAT THEY WANTED ME TO MEET JASPER AT THE FRONT GATES AND SHOW HIM AROUND.
They didn't seem to care that he'd allegedly already been to the Clocktower and Volterra many times in his life. It was the formality that mattered to them.
The only reason I wasn't pissed off was because I was so glad to be meeting up with Jasper. He was one of the best listeners to my issues, and me to his, back in New York. We were usually seen together with Rosalie and Emmett, and a few people in Carlisle's practice thought we were dating.
We weren't, to be fair. I've never had those kinds of feelings towards Jasper, and I don't think he would ever cheat on his girlfriend (although rumor has it they're actually married, which I would have never guessed) Alice.
Making my way down to the front entrance wasn't difficult since all windows had been shut due to the excessive sun coming in. Super speed mixed with anticipation made the trip quick and meaningful. The marble floors had just been cleaned, so I was careful to not slip and fall on my ass on the way over.
Knowing he was on the other side of the door, I opened it up, revealing the face of my old friend. Without hesitation I was wrapped in his arms and lifted off the ground for a hug.
God I missed this man.
"I've missed you so much," Jasper whispered as he shoved his face into my curled brown hair. "Things suck without you."
His accent was as thick as ever, clearly southern and lilted to sound so gentlemanly. I laughed and returned his hug, carefully wrapping my arms around his neck. "I've missed you too, cowboy."
I was the only one allowed to call him that, for obvious reasons. Rosalie used it as an insult to his style, and Emmett like to tease him for sounding much different than the rest of the family. But me? I never used it as an insult to any part of him, he was just a cool cowboy to me.
"I've missed your voice so much," Jasper admitted as he let me back down onto the ground. "Things haven't been the same without you. I couldn't believe it when Alice told me that you were mated to the Volturi Kings."
Right, that. The mating bond that allegedly got me into this semi-exclusive Coven in the first place.
The one I have been trying to figure out on my own, with one of them all the way back in Washington.
"She hasn't messaged me at all since that, and I know it's not just because of the time zones and countries." Alice and I weren't close, but she wasn't some stranger. We'd gone out and done fun things with Rosalie together, like a girl's trip.
What changed?
"She's not happy that you're here, or that you're here as a vampire," Jasper admitted, his face turning away from mine as we talked right outside the entrance of the Clocktower. "The Cullen Coven doesn't drink human blood. I don't."
I was bewildered, I'll admit. The idea of that being an issue when I hadn't even had my first meal was confusing. Jasper made it seem like because of my diet with the Volturi, eating humans, I would be outcast by the Cullen Coven.
"They still love me, right?" I asked, realizing that the confusion was turning into a deep insecurity that I hated having. "Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie. You. You won't leave me because of this, right? Me being here won't cut me off, right?"
There was a pause before Jasper spoke, one that destroyed me until it passed.
"No. Never," Jasper reassured me, running his fingers through my hair. He'd always been a gentle, physical person that showed his love through touch. "They'd never abandon you like that, River. Carlisle has friends here, Rosalie and Emmett do too. Blood doesn't matter to us."
He wasn't telling me something and he knew that I knew. Jasper had the false smile that showed everyone your cards, even people without a clue how to socialize properly like me.
"Are you okay?" I asked, softly pressing my hand against his chest like I used to whenever he and Edward fought.
"No," Jasper admitted quickly. "That isn't your issue, though, River, you just got turned. I can handle myself just fine. It's you I was worried about."
"I'm allowed to be worried about whatever I want to be worried about," I retorted, poking my finger at his chest. "And right now I'm worried about you. You came here and wanted to see me, but you aren't happy."
"I promise I am happy to see you-"
I cut him off, "That isn't what I meant. Something's been going on and nobody has told me shit. Aro is in Forks, there's a lockdown on the Clocktower, and the Guards are stationed in places they usually aren't. I've heard about a party, but Aro wouldn't just up and leave for no reason."
"And you know that how?" Jasper questioned me, a genuine question rather than a mean, rhetorical one. "The party and Aro are separate."
"I know." I pursed my lips and took a step back, finally able to see the sad look on Jasper's stony face. "I know you're happy to see me, I'm so happy to see you too, but you just don't seem... lively."
"I'm dead."
"Yeah, yeah," I poked at his chest again. "That's not what I meant."
"Do you really want my problems on ya while you're a Newborn vampire?" I nodded my head, fully ready to hear whatever he had to say. "Look, Alice and I have been fighting. Edward and I have fought again. I don't want to be back in Forks, back with Bella. She's been badmouthing ya even though she hasn't even met ya. It's ridiculous and I hate it."
"So you came to see me to run away from the Cullens?" Jasper wasn't the kind of man to up and abandon people. He adored Rosalie and Emmett, they were his people, always. Movies, games, everything. "Jasper, are you ever going back to them, or are you saying that you want to move here?"
"That's the thing, River," he shook his head and put his head in his hands. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Things have been too much with Bella scared and saying things about you. I don't want to badmouth her to you, but she's just been bitching too much for me. I can't handle the anger she brings around the house."
So the mythical Bella Swan, the lover of Edward Cullen, a human, was the one to drive Jasper away from his family.
That just wouldn't do.
"Jas," I started, pulling him into a hug.
"I don't want to leave as much as I do," he admitted as he ran his fingers down the back of my arm. "It's good that I can be with you, though. The issues in Forks are a lot."
"Emotionally?"
"Yeah." Jasper let out one of his little laughs and pulled me in as close as he could. "So good to see you."
"So good to see you too, cowboy," I ended with before a small set of patters ran across the floors, surely from another vampire. "Look, we're kind of in an open area, we should probably bring you to the Guard room or the Rec room to say hi to everyone."
Jasper was slightly reluctant to have me leave his grasp, but let go as I drifted away from him, choosing to lead him in a new direction. This was the easy part, the blessed silence that was calming in more ways than one. Mind and soul, Jasper was a part of me that I adored. He'd been my friend when I was human, and now we could be friends in immortality.
I was yet again reminded of the complete heartbreak with Chrissy. It shattered me as we walked, even through the calm of his touch. I knew he was trying to use his gift on me. I didn't like the attempt to soak up all the negative emotion, I wanted to feel it. But this was Jasper's way of helping, so I allowed it, despite the small bit of discomfort I felt when not feeling hurt over Chrissy.
The Rec room was filled with people as per usual. Jane and Alec were snuggling in a corner, holding up a book for them to read together. It was nice seeing them not at each other's throats.
Afton greeted Jasper first, patting him on the shoulder and hugging him. Then came Demetri and Felix, who were happy to see the member of the Cullen Coven in their home.
The last person in the room was someone I didn't recognize. They were watching a movie with Luna. I assumed The Notebook based on the setting I saw. I'd never seen it, actually, but Chrissy had.
Jasper walked over to greet Luna and stopped when his eyes met the girl next to her. All bundled up in blankets, she smiled at him. Jasper got down onto the ground, onto her level and let in a sharp breath.
"Are you love?" She asked, earning a confused look from everyone.
Jasper laughed.
"I can be, if you want me to be."