Prologue
Kim sits at his large desk in his office, a stack of contracts and documents about upcoming projects spread out in front of him. His eyes feel heavy and tired as he sifts through the papers, his mind struggling to focus on the words. He takes a sip from the coffee mug beside him, hoping the caffeine will help clear his mind.
There are several piles of fan mail on his desk, some of which he's already sorted through. Most are from girls telling him how his music helped them through a difficult time, or just how much they love him. It's nice, but repetitive.
Next to the fan mail is a notebook full of lyrics he wrote on the road during his last tour. Most of them are sad or angry and filled with thoughts of a certain doe-eyed boy he hasn't seen in almost six months.
Kim looks out the window for a moment, watching the city below as the sun begins to set. Somehow it feels strange to be back home after weeks on the road; back in a place where he can only be himself. Going on tour and escaping into his pretend life as Wik had been so much easier. Now it is back to reality and it looks like it was going to be a long night.
The doorbell rings, followed by two knocks and Kim sighs. He knows it must be one of the bodyguards from the compound. It's the sign they have, and no one would make it to his floor without being checked several times by the guards he employs himself. They must know the individual. Since his family never visits and no one else knows the place, it can only be one of the bodyguards. With Big dead, he wonders who they are sending now to get on his nerves.
Kim doesn't look up as the front door opens, not when someone walks slowly towards him.
"Khun Kim."
Kim is surprised by the man he sees when he looks up from his desk; so surprised, in fact, that he startles. His heart races as he watches him walk towards him. Kim can't help but feel surprised and slightly apprehensive at the sight of him. After all, he thought he was dead. But there he is, alive and well, and Kim can't help but wonder what he wants from him. It's not as if he'd ever visited before.
"Chan. I thought you were dead." It's not a nice thing to say, but it's the truth. Kim had heard that Chan had been shot during the attempted takeover of the compound and had bled to death in front of the house, cigarette still in hand. Another lie, another faked death.
"I'm surprised they were able to stitch me up and get me back on my feet after three months," Chan greets him, his voice slightly hoarse. Kim takes a moment to study Chan's face. He can see the weariness etched into his features, and it's clear that he's still recovering from his injuries.
"You didn't come to my father's funeral," Kim continues. He's not sure why he brings it up, but it feels like something he should say.
"I wasn't able to leave the hospital then. To be honest, I am still not fit enough to be back, which is why Khun Kinn has me helping with strategy and keeping an eye on everything and everyone, and otherwise mostly resting," Chan replies.
Now that Kim has a closer look, he can see that the man looks already exhausted and probably shouldn't be on his feet for too long. He motions to a chair opposite him on the other side of the desk and silently invites Chan to sit down. As Chan takes a seat, Kim tries to relax, but he can't shake the feeling that something is wrong with this whole situation.
"He's really dead this time, in case you're wondering. I came back from Japan just to check," Kim tells Chan, hoping to get to the bottom of why he's here.
Chan nods, and Kim can tell that they both understand each other. They both know that Korn's death is a blessing in disguise, and that they're all better off now that he's really gone. 'Good riddance' is not a thing you should think about your own father's death, but it's the kindest thing that has crossed Kim's mind. It's been three months and Kim has never felt more free.
"My brother sent you to show me that you're still alive?" A slight feeling of trepidation creeps into Kim's chest. After all, he still doesn't know what Chan wants from him. Kinn using Chan the way his father used him doesn't sit well with Kim.
"No."
"To spy on me?"
"No. I am here on my own. Khun Kinn doesn't know I'm here. Neither does Po... Khun Porsche."
Kim raises an eyebrow at the mention of the name of the head of the minor family. "Takes a moment to get used to. The Khun Porsche thing." Kim smiles.
"He wasn't the most studious bodyguard we ever had and I knew he'd be trouble." Chan nods. "I just didn't think this kind of trouble. He didn't look like your brother's usual type."
Kim narrows his eyes. "You like him."
"I do," Chan confirms with a smile.
"Then what are you doing here?" he asks, his voice tinged with suspicion. He can't shake the feeling that Chan has an ulterior motive for being here. And he's not sure he likes it.
"Since I've been back, while you were still touring, I've noticed something and I think you'd like to know about it."
"Oh?" Kim leans back in his chair and waits. He's interested, he doesn't even try to hide it. Kim himself has only been back to the compound once since the Minor family attempted to take it over, and that was for his father's funeral. After rescuing Porchay in the bar and leaving him the song a month later, without ever getting a reaction, he'd packed up and left, first going to the US to record some songs, then embarking on an Asian tour that was interrupted by his father's death. Had he trusted that his father was really dead this time, he wouldn't have bothered to postpone his Tokyo concert. But he had to make sure that the bastard was gone. And he is.
"I brought you these," Chan says, leaning forward with some effort and placing a folder on Kim's wide desk. When he opens it, he finds pictures inside and his breath hitches. Pictures of Porchay. Porchay with Porsche, laughing in the garden. Porchay at a family dinner, all dressed up. Porchay with his mother and brother. Porchay with Macau. Porchay watching a movie with Tankhun.
Kim feels a mix of emotions when he looks at the pictures of Porchay. At first, he feels a surge of excitement and joy at seeing the man who visits his dreams. But as he flips through the pictures, his heart sinks with each passing moment. He sees Porchay smiling, laughing and enjoying life, but something is not quite right. And yet Kim can't put his finger on what it is.
He just misses Porchay so much that it actually hurts. Kim keeps flipping through the pictures, wondering what he is supposed to see and what he is missing. He doesn't understand.
"Pictures of Nong Porchay. So?" He tries to sound bored and untroubled as he puts the pictures back into the folder with shaking hands and closes it. It takes all his willpower not to open it again and let his eyes feast on Porchay's smile and features once more. God, he misses him. Not even the six months of separation have helped him in any way. The wound where his heart used to be is still open and bleeding as it was when he ripped his heart out and left it with Porchay after he ignored his video. He'd waited a week, then left. He'd kept his phone charged and with him at all times so he'd know if Porchay ever responded, but to this day he's heard nothing.
"You may need these as well." Chan hands him another folder. More pictures of Porchay. But these pictures were taken from a distance, or by cameras Porchay is unaware of. The smiles are gone. The happiness is gone and instead the pictures show blank stares, fear, pain, boredom, sadness and above all a person completely disconnected from his surroundings, staring off into space in most of them. Porchay seems to have shut down.
When Kim sees the pictures of Porchay looking empty and detached, his heart breaks. He can't bear the thought of Porchay suffering and feeling so alone, and it makes him angry that no one seems to notice or care. Where the hell is Porsche? Where are Kinn and Tankhun? Why does nobody seem to care?
"I have a lot of time while I recover and I pay attention. The boy was unhappy when Porsche brought him to the compound the first time, but now he seems broken," Chan says.
"Why are you telling me this and not his brother?"
"What worries me most is that Porchay is good at lying and pretending to everyone. His brother does not know how unhappy Porchay is. He smiles for him and his mother, he pretends for Khun Kinn and Khun Tankhun. No one else really cares or pays attention to him. He spends his days inside, never leaving his rooms except when his brother calls for him. Again, no one seems to notice or care. He has stopped seeing his old school friends, he still doesn't go to school and it looks like all he does is watch the world from his window all day. He eats alone, unless the family asks him to join them. He does not use the pool or any of the other facilities. Most people forget he's even on the grounds."
Kim again tries not to react too much. He's always trusted Chan more than his father, but that's not saying much. This time he doesn't know his intentions and that makes Kim cautious. And yet... He feels a deep sense of longing and sadness when he thinks about how much he misses Porchay and how much he wishes he could be there for him. Kim also feels guilty for leaving Porchay behind and wonders if things would have been different if he had stayed, if he had talked to him, if he had apologised again. Kim feels helpless and frustrated that he can't do anything to help Porchay, and this makes him feel incredibly sad and overwhelmed. In his moment of inner turmoil, Kim turns to the only emotion he can show: Anger.
"Again: Why are you telling me this?" He raises his voice and grits his teeth. Chan's mouth twitches.
"Permission to speak casually?" he asks calmly, and Kim impatiently waves his hand to grant it, never breaking eye contact between them. He is now too agitated for questions of semantics or politeness. "I've known you since you were born. You were a fighter, even as a newborn, and you've always been that way. I've been there for most of the best and worst moments in your life, and I've always been amazed at your strength and resilience."
Kim's eyes widen as he listens to Chan's words. He had no idea that Chan felt that way about him. Chan has always been more of a silent supporter, always there but never overly expressive. The words he just said should be spoken by a father, not his late father's bodyguard, but maybe that is why they touch Kim. It's good to know that at least someone is proud of him. Sometimes a near-death experience does that to people, makes them open up about their feelings, Kim knows, and wonders if that's the case here for Chan.
"I knew what you were doing when I saw the footage of you hanging out with Porchay, and I deliberately kept the footage away from your father at the time because I knew he would see how much you cared for him. He would have used Porchay against you, and I couldn't let that happen." Kim feels a knot form in his stomach as he thinks back to that time. He was careless and underestimated his father. Without Chan, things could have been much worse and it would have been all his fault.
"He is dead now, and to my biggest surprise, I am somehow still alive," Chan continues. "This boy needs you to take care of him and save him from himself. In my opinion, there is no one else who can do that right now. If you don't want him to sink further into his depression and waste away like a prisoner in solitary confinement, you will come back to the compound and take care of him, Kimmy."
Kim's heart is pounding so hard he thinks Chan must be hearing it, even on the other side of the desk. Chan's words hit him like a punch in the gut, and Kim felt his eyes sting with unshed tears that he quickly blinked away. He had always known that Porchay needed him to protect him, but he had been too wrapped up in his own pain to consider how good Porchay had become at fooling everyone into thinking he was all right.
"He doesn't want to see me. He made it clear by blocking me and never responding to the video I sent him". This time he sounds like an insecure kid, even to his own ears, not the stone-cold Mafia Prince rockstar he usually is. He has already made up his mind.
"He may not want you, but he needs you. Who else could help a lonely, unhappy kid in a mafia compound when he has given up music and has a broken heart?"
"I didn't have a broken heart!" Kim protests, sneering at Chan when he smiles, because Kim still got the reference to his own teenage self. "Idiot," he adds for good measure. Kim knows he has to go back to the compound and look after Porchay. He owes it to him, to himself, and maybe a little to Chan.
"Let me know when you get back so I can have your rooms ready. And call your brother. He misses you."
Kim snorts. "Khun's busy with his carps and movies."
"I meant the other one." Chan shakes his head after giving him a meaningful look before he slowly stands.
"Anything else I need to know?"
Chan stops in the doorway and turns around. "I had to stop smoking because of my injuries. We'll have to find something else to do together when you get back," he wears his usual half-smile as he speaks. "Good night Khun Kim," he bows and turns to leave, leaving Kim to his thoughts and two folders of photographs.
Kim watches Chan leave before he lets out a long sigh and rubs his tired eyes. He knows Chan is right. He has avoided the compound, his family and Porchay for too long. But the thought of going back and facing everything he left behind makes him feel anxious and overwhelmed. The life of touring and hiding behind his alter ego Wik has been a comfortable escape. But now, with the harsh realities of his real life staring him in the face, Kim knows he can no longer avoid facing his problems. He must help Porchay, even if the boy doesn't want the help, or even realise he needs it.
TBC