*DESCRIPTIONS OF NON CON AND CHILD ABUSE IN THIS CHAPTER DO NOT READ IF YOU WILL BE AFFECTED*
In the silence of the gym Callen waited as his SEAL walked around him.
"You broke a rule Brat," Sam said, his voice rumbling in the silence.
Callen didn't want to reply, but he knew that vocal responses were required.
"I don't think so sir," he replied.
"You don't think so Brat?" Sam snapped.
"No..." Callen mumbled.
Sam placed a slap on the back of Callen's head.
"Strip," Sam ordered.
As fast as he could Callen removed his gym clothes and stood there, his head bowed, trembling in anticipation.
"You don't think so Brat?" Sam asked again.
Callen didn't reply so Sam slapped his ass.
"Sir...NO SIR!" Callen yelled, tears of frustration rolling down his face.
"You broke a rule. You needed help, you were hurting and you didn't come to me!" Sam said.
"I...I..." Callen dropped to his knees again, sobs tearing from his body.
"You needed to grieve G. It's ok to do that." Sam walked around him stroking his head.
Callen shook his head still sobbing.
"Shower now," Sam ordered.
Callen ran into the showers and stood under the spray allowing his tears to mix unchecked with the water. Sam joined him, lathering soap all over his body and massaging his neck and shoulders, allowing all the tension to wash away with the water flowing down the drain.
Sam felt him shudder, "That's it...that's my boy...let it go...just let it all go..."
Callen smiled slightly at the familiar words, remembering so long ago when that had first been said to him, and how he thought he had felt loved.
He closed his eyes as he remembered. He was ten...nearly eleven and was living with the McPherson's in Bakersfield. He had been so small then....
Callen's social worker pulled up outside a small home where a rusted pick up truck sat in the driveway. He held onto his bag as his social worker got out.
"Come on Callen, we don't want to keep Mr. and Mrs McPherson waiting. You'll like them, they own a trucking company. I remember you said you liked trucks. Mrs. McPherson also works in the local diner as a waitress. Now we have to hurry as Mrs McPherson has to be at work in an hour."
The man called brightly as he opened the door waiting for Callen to get out. He got out and hoped there were no bigger kids here. He'd just left the group home where he'd been bullied for being small so he hoped he could just be left alone.
Alone was his safety default. No one bothered him and as long as he wasn't being hurt, he didn't mind. He hated being bullied for his weird voice, which he had managed to hide after practicing his words for hours and not talking for four months in public. None of his caseworkers had noticed he wasn't talking. He overcame that hurdle, but being blond and blue eyed apparently was a bad thing amongst kids in the system.
It caused a lot of jealousy amongst the other children, the children who didn't fit everyone's expectation of a perfect child. So more often than not Callen would find himself bruised, bloody and beaten by children who wanted a chance at being adopted. Because when it came to adoption day, the blue eyed, blond haired children were always picked first.
All except him.
He was never asked to meet the parents on Adoption Day, as he was usually kept in the medical room, or in his bed, with a sore lip or bloody nose.
This time, his beating had been seen by his caseworker, and it was decided that if Callen was this much trouble, he should be moved from the group home and on to a 'one to one setting' as the caseworker had put it. This necessitated the long drive from Los Angeles to Bakersfield, or in his caseworkers' words, 'as far from trouble as he could get'. So he timidly followed the caseworker to the door and stood behind him as he knocked.
Mrs McPherson opened the door. She had a kind face and smiled at him.
He liked her. She motioned them in while getting her coat on.
Sometimes Callen would make an instant judgement when entering a home. Mostly it was a gut feeling that would tell him not to stay or not to relax. He had learned to trust that gut feeling as it was all he had when coming face to face with so many people in his life.
This might be a nice place, he thought.
"I'm so sorry, but my shift starts at the diner in an hour, I do the night shift, but, Callen is it?" she asked and he nodded, "Well Callen, I will be home during the day and I look forward to us getting to know each other. I hope you like your room and enjoy your stay with us." She smiled and ruffled her hand through his shaggy blond hair.
The caseworker looked up, "I will catch up with you in a few days," he said.
A man walked in with two mugs of coffee. "Mr Parkins?" He asked.
The caseworker turned to him, "Mr. McPherson, how's the trucking business going?"
"Business isn't brilliant, but we are getting by," Bill McPherson replied, before taking a look at the small blond headed boy behind the social worker.
"Garden is looking nice," Mr Parkins stated as he took the chair Mr. McPherson was offering and took out Callen's paperwork.
"Yes the wife does a good job with that," Bill admitted.
The social worker smiled and nodded in Callen's direction, "This here is Callen. His first name is just G...it kinda got lost in the system." He laughed offhandedly. "But he usually just comes to boy anyway."
Bill McPherson looked up at that and shot Callen a leering look which the social worker missed, "Really?" he laughed as Callen looked down at his feet in embarrassment. He hated it when the subject of his name came up. Just for once he wanted someone to pick a name for him.
Parkins finished the paperwork and handed a piece of paper over for McPherson to sign. "Just sign here and he's all yours," he said cheerfully. "It's nice here Callen, there's a good school just down the road."
McPherson looked up, "I thought you knew we home educate. I have a state certified tutor come in once a week to check everything is good. We have a very good report so far."
Parkins looked down, "Oh...yes I see. That will be good then. Hopefully Callen may settle here, make some friends."
McPherson nodded, "There are some unsavory elements at the local school and we are a very religious family. Wouldn't want any drugs or cussing to come into our household." He turned addressing Callen for the first time, "You don't cuss do you boy?"
Callen shook his head and McPherson gave him a stern look. "N...No Sir." he said quietly.
"I hear a faint accent. You sure this boy isn't Mexican?"
Parkins shook his head, "Nope. We think it was due to the trauma he might have witnessed as a child. No one knows for sure. He had an accent when he arrived but it seems to have all but gone."
McPherson studied him looking up and down, "Looks All-American to me...Ok, we'll take him."
Parkins nodded and grabbed his paperwork. He hated racists. And even though he knew McPherson was one, he had worked hard finding a placement for Callen and wasn't going to argue with the man.
"I'll be back in a few weeks, sooner if you need me." He shook Bill's hand and headed for the door turning to Callen. "You do everything you are told Callen. I don't want to hear bad things about you now, ya hear?" Callen nodded and watched as Parkins left and shut the door with a bang that made him jump.
"Ok Boy. Let's get you to your room. Take your shoes off. We don't allow shoes in the house. I'll get you some clothes."
Callen blinked for a second, clothes?
"I...I have clothes sir," he said.
Bill stopped and turned to him.
"We don't have back chat in this house. You a Christian boy?"
Callen looked at him and blinked again, he didn't know what that was. "I...I dunno sir," he admitted.
"So you're a heathen." He took Callen's bag from his hand and as Callen opened his mouth to object, Bill pushed him to the wall.
"You are a heathen and we are a God fearin' household. You will do as I say and I will show you the love that God gives good children."
"I...I wanna be good," Callen said. This was the first time a foster family had offered to give him love. He had heard about love in schools and how it was special and he really, really wanted it.
Bill stopped and ran his hand through the small boy's longish blond hair, "Good...good boy." He smiled and placed his hand on the middle of Callen's back as he led him upstairs.
The room Callen was given was plain in the extreme. It had a bed, nightstand, desk, chair and a lamp. The bed had two sheets, a pillow and a thin blanket covering it. It all sat on the bare wood floor. There were no toys, no pictures on the walls and no rugs. Just one big book on the nightstand.
"That's your bible. You will be expected to read and study it at all times you aren't doing something else."
Callen looked at the book, wanting to touch it, but wasn't sure if he was allowed to touch it just yet.
"You can look boy. The way to love is in there. Through the Lord's and my teachings, you will learn how to be worthy of love." Bill smiled at Callen as he thought about how Callen's soft skin would feel under his hands. oh yes, I will enjoy teaching you all about love, he thought.
Callen carefully took the book and opened the thin pages. It wasn't like the books he'd seen in school. They all had pictures and he knew he was going to have trouble with some of the bigger words.
Bill smiled at the boy's attempts to look at the bible. "You may be good enough yet." He sat on the bed and patted the blanket beside him, "Come sit here. Bring the book and we can look at it together."
Callen eagerly clambered up beside his new foster father and held the book out. He had often envied other children when he saw them being read to by an adult or older kid. He desperately wanted someone to read to him. Bill held his arm out, "Come closer and pay attention as I read boy," he directed.
Callen moved closer and Bill put his arm around Callen as he read to him. Softly and slowly, the older man rubbed his arm up and down the outside of Callen's leg. The words were comforting and the warmth of the man's arm made him feel so safe that Callen fell asleep listening to the Lord's words.
He woke up with a jolt as a pain pushed through his body.
"NO!" he yelled.
"Shhhh, it's ok boy. Remember, it's God's love and you gotta be punished for your sins before you can be saved," Bills crooned.
Sins? What's a sin? I'm just a kid, we haven't learned that in school yet. I didn't do anything, I'm sure I didn't?
Callen cried as he felt the man's weight pin him face first to the bed. A blinding pain shot through him as he screamed and then passed out.
When he woke up, he felt a warm, wet feeling encompassing him.
He cried, but stopped as Bill's voice came again, "I love you boy, you are my boy...you're mygood boy, That's it...that's my boy...let it go...just let it all go..."
Callen sniffed as Bill cleaned him up, "You...you do?" he asked.
Bill smiled at him, "You keep being this good and doing as I say, and yeah I will love you." He handed the boy a towel, "Dry yourself off Boy."
"Yes...Sir..." He stopped as Bill hit him.
"No! Not sir. Not here. Here I am your Master. Only here and only with me will you ever say that word. You will never say it outside of this room. You will not leave this room without my permission and you will NOT talk to anyone else without my permission. Do you understand, Boy?"
Callen looked confused, Bills face softened and he pulled Callen in and kissed him gently. "Boy you are mine and this is how you earn my love and God's love. You follow the rules, you behave and that way we can love you. You want to be loved don't you?" Bill asked, feigning a look of being upset.
Callen wiped the tears from his face, "I...I want to be loved...M...Master."
Bill kissed him again and Callen tried not to gag as he forced his tongue inside the child's mouth.
"I love you boy."
"But...Master, it hurt...Does love always hurt like that?" Callen asked innocently.
Bill nodded gravely, "If you have evil in you it can hurt, but if you follow the rules and are well behaved, it can be pleasurable for both of us. You want that don't you boy? Your Master to love you without pain?"
Callen wanted to be loved and be a part of family more than anything and if this pain Bill gave him came along with it, he would take it. So he nodded. "Yes Master."
And so the "loving" continued.
Callen enjoyed his time during the day with Mrs. McPherson as she helped him with his writing, reading and math. She always found a way to make Math fun, whether it be sorting out seeds they would eventually plant in her garden or figuring out the weights and measures to make a chocolate cake.
They cooked together and when Bill came home at the end of the day they all ate dinner together. He talked to his wife about the trucking business and she about her day. This was done while Bill, always sitting right beside Callen, rubbed his hand slowly up and and down the inside of the young boy's thigh. Callen smiled happily at his foster father while his foster mother, oblivious to the happenings under the table, talked and chatted with her family.
Bill would turn and tell Callen he was a good boy and proud of him, Sheila beaming with delight that her men were getting along so well. It didn't matter what Callen was doing with Bill, the older man always found a way to add a sexual context to the situation. One of his favorite pastimes was brushing up against the young boy as he reached for the dishes while they did the washing up after dinner.
When Sheila went upstairs and get herself ready for work, Bill would take Callen out into the garden to play football. They tossed the ball around and then Bill would get him to bend over to hike the ball. Grabbing him from behind, Callen would squeal as Bill lifted him up and would quickly place a small kiss on the back of his neck. He'd then place him back on the ground and with a small swat on the butt, send him running back to the house.
"Go boy, say goodnight to your foster mother so we can watch a movie before bed."
Callen smiled and ran for the house.
Sheila came down the stairs, "You boys ok?" she asked.
Callen nodded, "Bill said we can watch a movie." he said.
"Ooh sounds good, did you go to the video store Bill?" she asked.
Bill nodded, "Popped in on my way home," he said picking up a video for her to see.
She looked at the case. "Ooh Pete's Dragon. That's a good movie. Well, you boys enjoy yourselves and I'll see you in the morning."
Bill kissed his wife goodbye and Callen sat on the couch with his hands in his lap.
Bill turned to Callen, "You go and get your pajamas on and I'll start the movie," he said and smiled as Callen ran upstairs to put on the new pajamas that Bill had bought him the first week. Bill got out a the movie and put it in the video player.
As the adverts started Bill sat next to Callen on the sofa. "Sit here," he instructed as he patted the couch right beside him.
Callen crawled over to be closer as the movie started.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"An orphan boy, just like you who finds himself a family in a small town. He has a friend who is a dragon." He wrapped his arm around Callen whose eyes slowly started to droop.
Bill rubbed comfortingly up and down Callen's leg, every once in a while his hand getting closer to the hole in his pajama pants.
Sleepily, Callen tried to focus on the movie as he knew Bill would get him to tell Sheila what the movie was about and not focus on what Bill was doing to him as his hand slipped inside his pants.
Although he felt uncomfortable when Bill was touching him and was certain that some of the words Bill used when they were alone were 'cuss' words. Callen was reassured by Bill that it was alright and that this was real love and no one could take it away from him.
That was all Callen had ever wanted, real love. So there was a bit of pain, how many times in his life had he been subjected to pain...this was just another time, but he now was hugged, touched and kissed. Kids at school had talked about when they were hurt that their mommies and daddies kissed them, so it was normal right?
Bill said it was normal and Bill was smart. He knew all about God and Jesus who hurt so that other people could be happy. Just like him, he hurt so Bill could be happy. It was real love. It had to be because it was God's love. He was loved!
All the while Bill was telling him how he was a good boy and how this was their secret. This was, Callen thought, how love was meant to be. After all just that morning Sheila had been in the kitchen singing along with the radio about a secret love. He wondered if he would ever be loved enough to shout out from the highest hills like Doris Day wanted to do in the movie that Sheila watched sometimes. Sometimes Bill would shout when he was loving him, maybe that was what the song meant. It wasn't an angry shout after all. Bill said it was because God made his heart sing so much and that this was how he thanked God for sending Callen to them.
Callen was at the McPherson home for six weeks. He would have stayed longer had Shelia not caught a cold and been sent home from work early one day.
When she walked into the house she became concerned as all the lights were off downstairs and only her foster son's light was on.
"Hello?" she called out after hanging up her coat and pulling a handful of tissues out of her pocket.
She shrugged at the lack of reply and headed into the kitchen for a glass of water and some Tylenol. It was eerily quiet that night, unlike when she usually came home to find Callen and Bill watching TV. She shrugged it off figuring that maybe they had gone out for a bit. She climbed the stairs and went to her room. After putting her purse on her bed, she sat down and removed her shoes. The silence was disturbed by a noise and she was certain it was coming from Callen's bedroom. It was a small cry, followed by some shushing ... from another person's voice.
Worried that her foster son had come down with a cold as well, she put on her slippers and went to the bathroom to grab the bottle of Children's Tylenol just in case he had a fever.
Opening the door to Callen's room shattered her world. For a moment she stood there dumbly, her brain not registering what her eyes were seeing. Her husband sitting on their foster son's bed, his eyes closed, pleasure washing over his face and lacing his voice, as he whispered words of encouragement to the boy who was on his knees between the older man's legs.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" She screamed at the top of her lungs.
Callen moved quickly away from Bill as his wife continued screaming and started throwing things.
"Mrs...Sheila?" Callen asked scared at her actions.
She stopped and tears filled her eyes as she ran over and hugged him, "Oh you poor boy, I am so sorry..." she cried out, then she turned to her husband.
"GET OUT! I'm calling the police."
He stood up hastily adjusting himself and glaring at Callen, "He made me do it, he was possessed. Sheila, you know I'm not like that, it's a mistake."
Sheila stood between Callen and her husband, "And how many more mistakes do you intend to have?"
Callen flinched. He had liked her a lot and now she was saying he was a mistake. Maybe he had done something wrong. He didn't want to leave as he was certain he wouldn't be loved anywhere else.
"Please..." He whispered as Bill strode out of the room without looking at him.
"Stay in your room Callen sweetie. I'll have your social worker pick you up in the morning," Sheila said, staring at her husband's back before she glanced over at him sadly with tears in her eyes and closed the door.
As soon as it shut Callen curled into a ball on the bed and started sobbing. He figured that was probably all the love he was ever going to get. But what did he do that was wrong that had Mrs. McPherson sending him away. If Bill wouldn't love him then God wouldn't love him...maybe he would have to die like that Jesus man that Bill kept talking about. Maybe he would never be worthy of love again.
For him it was a long time before he found that kind of love again. Three years to be exact.