i v a n a
I stared into my dull brown eyes. The rain made me look like a water corpse that came back from the dead to seek revenge for whatever reason.
I sighed while searching for my foundation. The rain washed away the makeup I put on to look like a decent human being.
With a brush I applied the creamy stuff under my eyes. After this part was done I covered the red spots on my cheeks. I heard my boss calling for me.
Maybe he would strangle me to death if I got on his nerves long enough. I shook my head. This was a stupid thought.
I was too afraid to die anyway.
I set my work uniform straight and looked at myself one last time. I put on a grin. My eyes watering at this excuse of a decent smile. I am such a hypocrite.
I took a deep breath.
The sound of the rain hitting against the window made me feel comfortable. I almost forgot the anxious feeling in my chest and I almost closed my eyes to listen to the old song playing through the speakers.
After I left the bathroom I immediately started working. "Welcome at Snackpacks, let me show you a free table."
The diner was located at the exit of a high way, we had a lot of customers coming in and out everyday.
It was nice working here, listening to different storys, talking to my colleagues. I liked to stay busy. I felt normal. As if I was a part of something.
After I finally got the courage to leave the orphanage I immediately started working. It was a necessity so I could pay the rent. I had my own place. They didn't care much, it was just how things were.
They never cared enough. Though I didn't really had much of a choice. If I didn't leave this hell hole, I would have gone insane. It was just too much. At my last day at the orphanage I understood, either I was leaving or dying here.
My motivation to leave came out of the blue. I just dropped out of my last year of high-school, packed my bags one night and never returned.
It was for the best.
Everywhere is better than there. I would rather work myself to total exhaustion than life with those people.
After finishing my double shift I was happy that today wasn't such a lazy day. I always take the same route home. I can't really change it though even if I wanted to.
It was a bus route.
I always hurried home, I had to get some rest before leaving for my part time job as a cleaner at a convenience store.
My bottom lip started trembling as I shut down the door to my flat. My head hurt and I felt the exhaustion spreading through my bones.
I hated receiving letters and I hated my weak body. After a long work day I found three letters in front of my door, my day couldn't get worse.
There wasn't anyone to write me something nice, so all I got were writings full of debts and taxes.
My pitiful self tossed the letters on my kitchen table as I rushed to my one and only true love, my bed. I coughed as I pulled the blanket over my feet and felt my eyelids close. I hugged my pillow and listened to the sounds outside.
When I saw families in public I didn't believe in their happy acts.
It just couldn't be true. It didn't make sense to me. A father, a mother and two siblings walking down the streets. Laughing, talking or just enjoying each others presence. Unconditional love from a partner, from a parent, from a sibling? No.
Love didn't exist. It could not exist. At least not in my little world.
I was pretty pessimistic. Sometimes, I had a couple of good days, it felt like maybe my life could change. I just had to work harder, try harder. Like the seasons, it would change over time. It may just be my coldest and longest winter that would soon change into the warm feeling of spring.
But that did not happen. I gave up on foolish dreams. It didn't matter how much I tried, prayed or wished.
A chilly feeling run through my body.
When I feel that overwhelming wave of loneliness it just hit me harder.
I am alone.
No one would notice if I would just disappear.
Why even bother?
Everything. Everything hurts. It hurts to talk, to get up, to look at myself. Just existing hurts. But no one wants to hear about those days, they do not care when you cry for no reason, laying in your bed curled up and just waiting.
For something, someone. Anything that might fill this eternal feeling of bitterness.
Though it is just the way it is. We all have our ways of coping with it. Barricading myself in my room isn't an option. I have to get up, I have to look into the mirror, I have to face adult life and I have to go to work. Over and over again the same tiring circle.
It is just about getting through the day, it is just about surviving. I wasn't living.
I was merely alive. Gripping onto an edge leading down into total darkness.
Was there even an end?
Deep down I knew I was lonely. The hunger for love was eating me from the inside. All the judgement, all the pressure.
I knew life sucked. It was unfair for most of us. So who am I to complain, but really? So damn unfair?
After today's shift my body felt like a stone. I could literally lay here for the whole weekend and only stand up to get myself some food.
When I think about looking into my fridge it would be too heart breaking as well, the only thing in there would be the molded yoghurt I bought two weeks ago.
Who needs food anyways, sleeping is enough for me. I can take some leftovers from my second work place later.
My relationship to food wasn't really healthy. I want to be in control of something so bad, so sometimes I make restrictions. I cannot decide what I eat, so I decide how much I will consume of it.
It feels good.
To be in control.
To decide.
I wiped the tears from my cheeks and hugged my pillow, the comforting sound of absolute silence was remarkable.
The feeling of being weightless overcame me and I wished to feel this way forever, the feeling of no worries nor sadness.
"Ugh." I sighed to myself and squeezed my eyes together, I almost forget the head ache I took home from work.
I persuaded myself that my health was an important thing and got out of bed to get myself some painkillers from my kitchen shelf.
After I finally managed to swallow them, I got myself some cool water and let it roll down my dry throat.
"I would kill to eat something salty right now." With another sigh I wanted to go back to my comfort place, yet a knock on my door made me stop.
In a frozen pose I waited for the person to disappear. The neighbourhood I was living in was located in a bad area, so opening the door in the evening was never a good idea.
The person didn't give up, a lot of knocks followed and a grumpy bang made me jump up in suprise.
"Open the door, we saw you walk in." A man called out to me, I pressed my hands over my mouth.
"Be nice." Another male voice whispered.
Oh my god, two men banged on my door and I was completely alone at home.
Not that I ever wasn't alone at home.
I couldn't understand what the men whispered to one another till one raised his voice again. "You have two options, open the door and we will come in and speak with you or we will break your door down and then speak to you."
"Oh, no, no, no!" I sprinted to my door. "Don't break my door, new doors are expensive!"
With a swing I opened the door, the two men infront of me looked almost identical. While the left one seemed more grumpy, the right one gave me a gentle smile.
They both were wearing suits and looked like actual models, well built, brown hair and green eyes.
"Can I help you?" I asked them and successfully didn't stutter.
They didn't answer me. They just pushed me aside and walked into my apartment.
"Something stinks." The man with the scar grunted and circled around to look at everything in my one room apartment.
He had a judgemental look on his face. Unlike his twin he had short hair and a scar under his right eye.
"Pretty sad in here, is this mattress supposed to be your bed?" The other one clicked his tongue and stared at me.
"I don't have any money, I-I dont know who sent you, but there is nothing that I can give you." This time I stuttered, I felt my cheeks turn red and my confidence sank.
The landlady told me that there were some gangs in this neighborhood, they offered protection if you pay them money.
"Money?" The one that asked me a question earlier raised his eyebrows. "We don't want your money." A cheeky smile formed on his lips and he walked towards me. He came dangerously close and tucked some of my hair behind my ear. "We want you."
The Usain Bolt in me came out and I ducked under the man's arm, pushed myself towards my kitchen and grabbed the first thing I got my hands on.
The frying pan in my hand didn't help me feel much safer, yet the two men walked some steps backwards with their hands in the air.
"Whoa, whoa, calm down, Rapunzel." One of them said with widened eyes. "We want you, but not in the weird way you think. You could have phrased that better Gray."
"Leave my apartment this instant or I will use this." I wielded the pan around and watched their next move carefully.
"Okay, this wasn't supposed to take such a turn." The one with the scar rolled his eyes. "I knew we should have had a plan. Or at least called Dad."
"This is not my fault! I just got really excited." The man shook his head in disagreement. "Let us introduce ourselves, I am Matthew and this is my twin brother Graham."
"Gray." Graham corrected his twin brother.
"So Matthew and Graham, could you please leave my apartment?" I tried again, there was no way I would get familiar with some strangers.
"I said my name is Gray." Graham growled out, clearly pissed.
"Now, now." Matthew tried to soothe his brother. "You wanted to know what brought us to your lovely home." He changed the subject.
"Tell me and then leave!" I grew impatient.
"Ivana Johnson, you are our sister!" Matthew made some sort of jazz hands and gave me a huge smile. "Suprise!"
"No." I simply stated.
"No?" Gray said in confusion.
"I am sorry, but there must be a mistake. I am an orphan." I held my head high and waited for them to realise their wrongdoings and leave my home.
"We know. We know everything about you." Matthew nodded his head. "Ivana Johnson, surname given by the orphanage. You were found infront of the orphanage with a note that got your first name written on it, the orphanage had no clue about who your parents were nor about any living relatives."
I bit the insides of my cheeks, this was creepy, yet I couldn't show them that they were right.
"Anybody can find out those informations, why should I believe you?" I put the frying pan on the table infront of me, the table gave me enough space between us.
"Your mother's name was Violet Delores. She was a private prostitute. Our father, Adrian Callisto, visited her quiet often, she was his favorite." Matthew sat down on my bed. "When Violet found out she was pregnant with you, she ran away. She gave birth to you and left you infront of that orphanage. She never returned to our father again."
"And?" I raised my eyebrows.
"She died three months ago." Gray's hand went through his hair before he explained the rest. "She couldn't bear to die with such a secret hidden forever. Violet wrote a letter to our father, with the surname she gave you and the location of the orphanage she left you at."
"So when Dad told us we had a baby sister, we all went out to search for you and we were the lucky ones that found you first." Matt said, his lips curled up full of proud, as he saw my widened eyes.
"S-so you are telling me, that we are half siblings?" I stuttered, I bit my lip as I tried to let everything sink in.
"Don't say half, we are siblings, we are bound by the proud Callisto blood!" Gray smiled for the first time today, as his right fist hit against his chest.
I sat down on a chair and held my head with my hands, this was too much.
"This may be a little overwhelming-." Matthew wanted to start talking, but I interrupted him.
"Not a little, it is fucking overwhelming." I cursed out. "What am I supposed to say know? I have a family after all those years without one? I am legally an adult and-. Why the heck didn't you contact me in a normal way?"
I breathed out in frustration, brothers, a father and a dead mother. This sounded unbelievable for a problematic orphan like me.
"About that, we would like you to come with us. To move in with us. Be a part of our family. " Gray walked in my direction.
"I can't, I have this flat, my work place-."
"So your work place..." Matthew let out an exhausted laugh. "We kind of resigned you at both places as starting from now."
"You, what?!" I jumped up and raised my voice at them. "That's impossible, you are not allowed to quit my job for me!"
"We are. We are allowed to do a lot of things, Ivana. So stop talking like a child and listen up." Gray hit his fist against the table.
I squeaked out and tumbled back, I held my breath and stared at his furious face. "I have enough of this bullshit, pack your bags we are leaving in ten minutes."
Matthew glanced at my frightened expression and coughed, before standing up. "What our brother is saying, from tomorrow on Ivana Johnson will be dead."
This was it, I yanked the frying pan from the counter and threw it right into Gray's face.
The next moment I opened the front door and began to run for dear life.