If I'm living without being thankful, I'm not living. It may be that I'm not even existing. In fact, it may be that all I'm doing is waiting for death to show up without even realizing it. Therefore, I'd welcome anything that would drive me to being thankful for it is that which would drive me to living.
"You're coming for my birthday party this weekend right?" Mel questions gently shoving poochie's face out of the screen.
"Yeah. And don't shove my baby" I mumbled, placing my last suitcase to the side with the rest.
"Well your baby is being a pain in my ass. His daddy needs to come and feed his fat ass"
Upon hearing the mention of being fed poochie barks.
I giggled, "I guess he takes after his mother"
Mel rolls her eyes at my comment, "still haven't returned his calls yet?"
I shook my head knowing exactly who she was referring to.
Even after changing my number he still managed to contact me. I even went as far as to block him which only resulted him calling me on another number so I just opted to ignore his calls.
"C'mon babe it's been 4 months since you left and you still haven't thought about calling and apologizing for leaving after you got the best dick in your life?"
"I know what I did was inexplicable but I just didn't feel safe around him knowing he was connected to us being kidnapped. I knew if I stayed there's a possibility of that shit happening again and it's really freaking me out. I'm already fucked up about the whole situation and I don't need to stressing about anything else right now.
"I know babe, but did Nyx ever give you a reason to not feel safe around him?" She questions.
"No. But—
"Exactly. He didn't. Which meant he'd protect your ass if push comes to shove. Instead of behaving like a dumbass you should've explained how you actually felt. That night when I woke up at Asher's place I demanded for him to tell me every fucking thing and his little white ass did. And even if he didn't tell you everything you wanted to hear, maybe he's trying to protect you from seeing a side of him he doesn't want you to see. He really cared for you Remi and after you left it was like something flipped in him. He's not the same man from your memories Remi. He's worse. So much worse."
"I'll try talking to him, but I doubt he'll listen especially after I was the one who told him I didn't want to be around him anymore", I revealed caving in to her request.
"You really went all out on your feelings that night didn't you?" I glared at her. "Regardless of what you said, if It's you. He'll listen"
I found that hard to believe. I hurt him. There is no denying that I did. And I should've talked to him like Mel suggested but at the time my head wasn't screwed on right. All I wanted to do was leave. I was scared shitless after the whole kidnapping ordeal and I felt the only way I would be safe was if I stayed away from him. And if I were him I wouldn't even want to see my face or be in the same room as me.
I'm nothing but trash. Maybe even worse.
I groaned, throwing my head against my pillow. I can feel it, logic is trying to distract me but my heart is screaming it's him.
"He probably hates me" I mumbled to myself.
"He probably does. I mean you did run out after he gave up his virginity to you. Why the fuck would you even do that?
I froze, " I—I didn't know I was his first. And how is that even possible? Isn't Noorie his?"
"No babe. The little munchkin is his niece. He got custody of her while his brother got into some shit but he's all in the clear now. Nyx never dated or at least that's what Asher told me"
"I can't believe I did that to him Mel" I choked out imagining how he must've felt seeing that I wasn't there when he woke up. I lied to him that I was going to the bathroom. I should've told him I was leaving whether he wanted me to or not.
"I hate myself pretty often", I breathed tilting my face back on the pillow, fighting back my tears and attempting to smile at the same time. "Pretty fucking often".
"You didn't know babe" Mel tried making me feel better but if anything I felt worse.
"Yeah I didn't. But it won't change the fact that what I did wasn't right. I had sex with him not because I wanted to, but I felt as if he needed it to move on. We both were emotional and I clearly wasn't thinking straight and neither was he but I kept pushing. I felt as if he was obligated to have his way with me because I was leaving right after and it'll somehow shadow the guilt I felt afterwards because he got what he wanted. But man I was fucking wrong"
"Remi" Mel called but I remained silent. "You admitted what you did was wrong and now you should let him know. I don't know if he'll forgive or ever will, but it's a start. Just don't avoid him anymore. He's been through enough and you know that. Don't hurt him anymore" she pleads.
I swallowed letting my tears fall, ' I don't care what you do to me, but I don't want you to hurt me. I've had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy.'
But when it's all said and done I was the one who caused him more pain than anybody else. I never wanted to but I did anyway. He trusted me and I fucking ruined everything all because of my stupidity and being a fucking coward.
Because once you get attached you're fucked.
I hated the fact that even after being miles and months away, I hated that I still wanted him to be a part of my life. It's so sad that even now, after everything it's still him. I still want it to be him.
Leaving was pointless after all.
I wish I could go back and meet him again, and redo it so I wouldn't make the same mistakes. then maybe we'd be together.
"Don't beat yourself up about it babe. What happened, happened. There's no changing what you did. All you can do is move forward , worse case scenario he doesn't speak to you again...but I'm sure he'll probably...maybe... somewhat be understanding about your actions"
"I wouldn't count on that," I muttered, wiping my eyes.
"Oh I almost forgot Nyx's also—"
"Just tell me when I get there this weekend. I already feel like shit and I really don't want to feel any worse than I already am"
"But it's really and I mean really fucking important" she stresses.
"I'm sure it can wait till Saturday right?"
"N—"
"I knew it could. Have a great night Mel. Good night my baby and ensure that your lazy mother feeds you if not give her hell" I instructed to poochie who barks.
"You'll fucking regret not letting me tell you"
"Trust me I won't. Goodbye love"
"Bye babe" she grumbles before ending the call.
Letting out a puff of air I stared at Nyx's shirt hanging from the door of my closet with the help of a hanger. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it so I decided to hang it up to keep a little of him here.
Getting to my feet I slipped the material from the hanger before going back into my bed. The smell of him lingers on the shirt I clutched to my chest. It provides no warmth but the scent of him warms my heart more than any material ever could.
I really fucked things up.
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𝑊ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑑𝑜 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑘 𝑀𝑒𝑙 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡𝑠 𝑡𝑜 𝑡𝑒𝑙𝑙 𝑅𝑒𝑚𝑖 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑁𝑦𝑥??
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