October 2022
London
"Why not me"
Robyn
"What's her last name?" I asked simply out of curiosity and maybe wanting to dig for information later. No I definitely wanted to find out who the hell this woman was.
And there it was. That look mum would always give me. I could see it in her eyes. Sympathy and hesitation.
"RoRo, if I tell you I'm not sure it'll make you feel any better" mum said as she gave my hand another squeeze only making me want to retract my hand more but also jump into her arms wanting the comfort she's given me since I could remember.
"Oh my god! Just tell me please" I whisper shouted, my patience wearing thin. It was suspenseful, a build up to one small word.
"Johansson."
Johansson? Cool last name I guess but...wait.
Scarlett. Johansson.
Scarlett Johansson.
Scarlett Johansson the actress? The one I was never allowed to watch a movie if she was in it. Dad said she was a bad actress and wasn't a good example. Mum used to tense up at her appearance on Tv.
I remember watching Snl as a kid on Saturdays and wondered why the TV was so abruptly shut off and dad had thrown the remote across the room.
I had so much to say. Where do I even start?
I need air.
Without even thinking I pulled away from mum and grabbed my jacket and phone, running down the stairs and out the front door.
I needed to walk. I needed to talk to someone. I needed so much but also wanted nothing at all right now.
I can't even speak to dad about Scarlett. It's not fair to keep asking mum. Everything just feels even messier now.
Would I of felt better if I didn't know who my real mother was? Probably yes.
I should of kept quiet. I shouldn't of kept pressing for answers. I'm so stupid.
Why did she leave me? Maybe I'm the problem.
After walking for somewhat ten minutes and dwelling on what the hell just happened I decide the person I need to speak to is Lottie. We've been friends for a good while and whilst I've known Holly longer she doesn't know the ins and outs of my life like Lottie does. Maybe I overshare and made myself vulnerable at times but I trust her.
The phone rings a few times before she actually picks up. She's terrible and answering the phone and replying to my messages, I swear sometimes she does it on purpose just to piss me off.
It didn't take a lot of convincing for Lottie to come and meet me, she'd taken the day off of school claiming she was sick but as soon as I told her there was drama, suddenly she was right as rain.
We met at a little field behind some houses which isn't too far from either of our homes and chose a patch of grass to sit on. It was awkward at first. Not because of us but I think I just brought the tension from my house to her in a weird way.
"Soooo...what's going on? You said there's drama? Spill the tea" Lottie said as I picked at the strands of grass next to me. Should I maybe keep this to myself? I'm not sure it's something I should tell even her now knowing who it is.
"Um I- well actually I got kicked out of school today so there's that I guess" great Robyn quick thinking. I completely forgot about school but it was a good diversion at least.
"WHAT??" I swear the whole neighbourhood heard her.
"I bad for their 'reputation' like cmon my dad practically pays for the whole school. He funds the fucking shit pit!"
"What am I gonna do without you there?" Lottie asked looking a little panicked.
"You've got holly. You'll be fine plus we can meet after school and stuff. I'm not going anywhere" I laughed lightly trying to ease her worries.
"But- Robyn cmon" Lottie groaned and leant into me
"It won't be that bad your over thinking it" I reassured giving her leg an awkward pat then shuffled away.
"Of course you'd say that! Your not the one still going! your on like a whole vacation now"
Believe me this wasn't going to be fun. Dad would make sure I was miserable after all the shit I caused him.
"Mm" i hummed no longer in the mood to really talk.
"Was that all you called me here for?" Lottie sighed and stood up getting to her feet making me roll my eyes but follow her anyway.
"Well- no I-" I stuttered suddenly feeling a lump form in my throat.
I should tell her. She's my best friend.
"Spit it out cmon" she patted my back leading me out of the field.
"Promise this stays between us. Not even holly can know. If you tell someone I'll know it's you because no one else knows" I felt a little defensive over the topic, I don't know why because even if rumour did get out then it's not like I should care. It wasn't gonna affect me anyway, I'm a nobody.
"Promise" Lottie grabbed my hand and intertwined her pinky with mine.
"So you know the whole mum situation...how Lisa isn't my real mum" I kept eye contact trying to work out if Lottie was following me which she obviously was after nodding her head telling me to continue. "I found out who my real mum is"
"No way she actually told you" Lottie's eyes widened as she linked her arm with mine eagerly.
"Yup you won't believe who it is though, I don't even think I believe it right now" I shook my head letting a sigh escape my lips. It was a load of information that I couldn't even process right now.
"Tell me! Tell me! Who is it?!"
"She's- well she's an actress. One of your favourites actually" I spoke and raised my eyebrows coming to the realisation that Lottie had actually spoken a lot about the woman who was supposedly my mother. She had her own issues with her parents leading to her having this 'attachment' to any female actress who and I quote 'gave a motherly vibe' which just so happened to me Scarlett. The mother who left me.
"An actress? Who" Lottie stopped me and grabbed onto both of my arms.
"Scarlett Johansson"
If Lottie wasn't as close as she was I don't think she would of even heard what I said. My words coming out in a mumbled whisper.
"That's so cool! What the fuck I wish she was my mum she'd be so much better" Lottie said excitedly and pulled on my arm making me frown.
Did she not get it? This woman left me and she's speaking of her like that. Unbelievable.
"No it's not cool. She left me Lottie. Don't wish for stuff like that, at least your mum didn't walk away from you like you were nothing" I huffed and bit on the side of me cheek, pulling me arm away and walking away at a faster pace.
"No Robyn! I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry I just wasn't expecting it" Lottie ran to catch up with me grabbing my arm once again. Did she not get the memo? "Anyway I've got something for you"
Lottie smirked and reached into her pockets pulling out a crumpled cigarette and aluminous pink lighter.
"Where did you get that from?" I furrowed my eyebrows looking down at it. I hadn't had one in so long but I could finally inhale without having a coughing fit.
"Stole it from my dad, was gonna save it for tomorrow before school but because I'm such a good best friend I thought we could share now. You look stressed. You need it" Lottie cringed and shoved it between my lips making me instinctively step back a little. "Stand still"
Lottie lit it up for me and as soon as I inhaled I felt like I could breathe easier again. I didn't feel as angry or frustrated. She was right but I won't admit it.
"Thanks" I mumbled around the cigarette and carries on walking taking a hit every now and then until she held her hand out for it.
"You should so research her, you can find out more"
I was gonna do that anyway dip shit. Duh.
"Yeah I will maybe later on. You could probably tell me more anyway" I joked and nudged her side. Her cheeks flushing red.
"Nah you have fun doing it" Lottie replied with her head down taking another pull.
"Mm I'm gonna have SO much fun" I said sarcastically, dragging me words out as I waved my hand dramatically.
"Of course your dad would get with her" Lottie chuckled and paused to flick out the cigarette. "Here have this I got Michael to run into the shop for me yesterday" Lottie reached into her pocket again and handed me a vape which I gratefully accepted. It was hard to get served when I was thirteen but looked about 10. Luckily for her she had older cousins. Mine weren't in this country sadly.
It wasn't long before I was back home, phoning mum to let me in so I didn't have to knock but it was just my luck that dad happened to open it.
"Where the hell have you been?!" Dad shouted and grabbed my shoulder tugging me in, mum just in the hallway frowning and walking over to me.
"No hi, hello Robyn how are you today?" I scoffed and shoved past him. I'm so sick of his shit.
"Don't start that with me. I think you've done enough today" dad flared his nostrils and I would of giggled if I wasn't a little scared.
"Let go of me!"I shrugged out of his grasp and ran up the stairs as fast as I could, I heard mum shouting for me but I was already gone.
I needed time to think about everything because what the actual fuck.
My life has gone from 0 - 100 in the space of a few hours.
Too much.
Of course I just couldn't help myself because as soon as I got to my room (slamming my door shut for dramatic effects which will probably piss mt dad off even more) i then plopped down on my bed and whipped out my phone quickly typing in 'Scarlett Johansson' unboxing my new vape as I waiting for google to load. My wifi was so bad and it was only bad in my room. Typical.
As soon as the tab loaded I scrolled down a little first of all seeing a picture of her. There was no denying that she was beautiful but so was mum. Dad must of loved a bit of eye candy... joking joking.
Anyway scrolling down I'm met with something probably more disappointing thwn the fact that she left me but that she has two other kids.
How did she even cover me up from the media? How did she get away with it?
Back to the point apparently she has a kid called rose and another called Cosmo which onto angered me more.
Maybe it wasn't even anger but just the fact that I wasn't good enough to be her kid so she upped and left to have more.
And to put the cherry on top of the cake there was a photo of Scarlett and her perfect daughter. They both looked happy and her kid did too.
Why didn't I get that. Why did she leave me?
I'm never watching an interview again. She speaks about her kids with so much pride. What was wrong with me?
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