COURTNEY's POV
I have to admit, no matter how much Lucy assured me she would get to the bottom of this Jackson mystery, the wait was killing me. Especially now that Chad was back to ignoring me again.
I wasn't so sure how much longer I could endure this pain harboring in my chest, it sucks and hurts to see him intentionally avoiding me without any clue in my end. Like after everything he did on my birthday, he was acting as if nothing happened.
And after he made me fall madly in love with him, he left me hanging?
If this was all just for the revenge, I have only one word for it.
Cruel.
He was at the cafeteria—his back facing me, while Jackson on the other hand was throwing me his deadly stares, and he wasn't even being so discreet about it.
I might have finally lost it because the moment they left, and Chad didn't spare me a single glance, I scooped out my phone and texted him--something that I should have done sooner.
Meet me at the backyard after class. I won't leave unless you show up.
His actions always kept me wondering. I have done my fair share of waiting and wondering, I tried my best to understand and even make up excuses why he was doing all this all of a sudden. It was tiring and draining at the same time.
I thought I have done everything, but there's one thing left.
I have to get this feeling off my chest. This was driving me crazy and sad at the same time. I just have to confess, and tell him what he has done to me. No matter what his answer would be, wether he likes me or not, at least I have the answer and take it from there. I can finally stop whatever this is and stop deluding myself of all the possibilities.
This needs to be over and done with.
I think I could handle a rejection better than this treatment he was giving me. At least with that, I know what he really feels towards me.
It's not an assumption anymore. It would be the real deal.
* * * * *
I tried my best to busy myself with studies and listen to my lectures while waiting so eagerly for the clock to strike to four, the end of class. But no matter what, it was as if the time has become my enemy--slower than ever.
It was a torture.
Truth be told, I still didn't have any clue what I would tell him, like where do I begin?
Should I go straight to the point and admit that he successfully made me fall in love with him? That he has won this deal effortlessly without even realizing it? Whatever it may, one things for sure, it's now or never.
As if sensing my desperation, the much anticipated sound of the bell finally echoed in the room which made me abruptly stand up on my feet and rush out of the class. But it didn't go well as planned. I was then met with lots of thanks and non-stop greeting from the students in the school.
It took me a while to get away from them, I was in a hurry yes, but I didn't want to be rude and just dismiss their deep gratitudes for inviting them to my party. Plus, I took this opportunity to thank them as well for the gifts that I received.
Oh my god! Who are you and what have you done with meanie Courtney Collins?
I intentionally ignored the mocking voice of my subconscious and just carried on walking to the backyard. She was the least of my concern now, I have a bigger mission in mind.
I quickened my pace in a manner that it wouldn't look like I was running or in a rush, in case someone gets suspicious.
Don't get me wrong, it's not because I didn't want them to see me with Chad or what, it's just that the last thing I wanted was to draw enough attention for this meeting not to happen.
Like what I said, it's either now or never. And I was too determined to make this as a now.
When I reached the back door, leading to the back yard, I ran towards the big oak tree, expecting Chad to be sitting under the tree—sleeping, like how he always does whenever he waits for me. I would then take a moment to look at him first, then he would wake up and tell me off. That memory made me feel butterflies fluttering in my stomach.
Oh the happy memories.
But, the moment I reached the top of the hill where the oak tree was rooted, my heart sank at his absence. I felt as if there was a huge hole in my stomach. I took two calming breaths and reminded myself that it's still early. He might still have meetings or club practice.
He was in fact a very responsible student assistant and dedicated drama club president. I told him I wouldn't leave unless he shows up, and knowing him, no matter what I'd done, he would show up. I trust that he wouldn't ditch me because he wasn't that kind of person.
With that kind of faith that I had in him, I settled in and sat down. I looked at my phone to check if he sent me a message. When I saw that there was none, I put it back on my pocket.
It's only 4:30. He will come.
I assured myself and kept on repeating those words like a mantra, I didn't realize that I already fell asleep.
* * * * *
I was woken up by the feeling of cold water droplets hitting my skin.
I looked up and saw dark clouds hovering above the sky, a heavy rain was about to come. I picked out my phone again and examined the time—5:30.
I couldn't believe I slept for an hour!
I immediately scanned the field and searched for any signs of Chad.
Maybe I missed him? It's impossible, he should have woken me up, right?
I refused to believe the obvious, up to this moment, I was still clinging into the fact that he might still be stuck in the drama club practice, after all, the opening night would be due soon. There's also a fact that he might be caught in an emergency at home that's why he couldn't come.
I stared at my phone again, praying that he would at least send me a message that something came up, that he would postpone and suggest for our meeting to happen tomorrow instead or the other day.
Anything, anything please, that would make me believe that he didn't just abandon me.
But, what if, after everything, he really didn't show up at all and no plans of going to?
I was tempted to send him a message again, or call him. But this hopelessness was too much already. And it's not desperation that I need right at this moment.
It's... acceptance.
The rain poured down so heavily that I should have run inside before I get drenched in the rain, but instead, I remained under the tree and drew my knees together--feeling dejected. Like the gloomy weather, I spilled my heart out and started crying my eyes out.
He didn't care at all.
He's done with me.
He will not come, Courtney.
I kept on telling and reminding myself over and over again, for these facts to stick in my head, to leave a mark. For me to stop wondering, for me to stop hoping.
It hurts, so damn much. I feel like no matter how many times I cry, how much tears I shed at this moment, there's no way to stop this pain I was feeling right now.
Cruel. You're so damn cruel, Chad. How could you?
If you don't like me, don't want to get involved at any cost, just say it straight to my face! Be a man!
I guess I understand why most of people choose to be heartless and mean, it protects them from this kind of pain called love. How did I let myself be fooled to the fact that I was capable of loving and being loved?
What if, what if, I was really destined to be shallow, mean, and cold hearted?
I think, after this, I should put the wall back up, and protect myself again. I have let myself be vulnerable again, I forgot that being cold was much more easier than this.
Should I just stop?
I kept on chasing someone who doesn't want to be chased. Chad obviously knew how I feel about him, his friend might know about our deal as well, and despised me for trying to trick his friend.
If only he knew that his friend was hands down winning this and destroying me.
Courtney, why are you so desperate in finding the answers? Are you expecting that Chad has an ounce of affection or even infatuation towards you when all the signs are pointing to the fact that he doesn't want to offer anything further than an acquaintance--not even a friend.
I hate you, I hate myself for falling in love with a geek.
I wanted to scream so loud to get this constricting pain off my chest, and at the same time, to get this feeling over and done with. I wanted to believe that once I poured out everything, I would also dump away all of my feelings to Chad, and go back to my usual self. The old me--because being so mean is much easier than this.
After everything, this will all be forgotten. This moment will be gone. I promise myself that after this day, I will forget about him. His heart-stopping smile, his contagious laugh, his hypnotizing gaze, and this memorable place.
I hugged my knees tighter and cried harder, determined to empty my tears and at the same time, my feelings, so only numbness will be left.
"Goodbye, Chad Treyson." I let out the three words painfully, three words that was far from what I was expecting to say. Three words that were harder than I love you.
I guess loving is hard, but saying goodbye is even harder, huh.
After this day, I promise, you will stop hurting, Courtney.
Everything will be alright. Do your best to make everything all right again.
This will--
"What are you still doing here!"
My mind went numb when a very familiar voice registered in my brain. It was faint from the loud sound of the rain, to the point that I thought my brain was playing a trick on me. I was almost afraid to look up, and prove that I might have gone crazy, that I was just imagining everything out of pain and desperation.
But that same feeling of pain and desperation made me want check if it's just an imagination or even real.
With that, I slowly looked up, and there he was, drenched in rain water, and panting. He removed his glasses and wiped the water off his face.
"Are you crazy! Why are still here?" I could hear the frustration in his tone, and he was out of breath, probably from the fact that he rushed over here? I didn't want to look deeper into that, I didn't want to overanalyze everything at this point.
I only have one thing in mind.
Occupied to the fact that he was here.
Chad.
"You came."
-- END OF CHAPTER 34 --
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