When I got back to the apartment, it was quiet and empty. I was glad because I didn't have it in me to explain to Mia why I was cutting class again and why I was sobbing.
I had lied to him. I had lied and told him he meant nothing to me. Nothing had ever been further from the truth. I dropped my bag and grabbed the bottle of Vodka and a bag of Cheetos from the counter and retreated to my room. I unscrewed the top on the Vodka and turned it up. I needed something to numb me. Vodka usually did the trick.
Today it didn't. I lay in bed, on sheets that still smelled like him, wearing his shirt and clutching his tie. I eventually found the bottom of the bottle, but it only made my head spin and my stomach churn. Every thought was of him.
His smile, his intense blue eyes. The way I felt when he kissed me. I wanted to hear him laugh again. I wished I could lay in his arms and fall asleep.
Eventually sleep overcame me, or more likely, I finally passed out. Even with my eyes closed, I dreamed of him.
The days started to blur together. I didn't go to class. I couldn't face him. I stayed in bed, finishing off another pint of Vodka and the bag of Cheetos. I eventually started vomiting. Turns out Cheetos and Vodka aren't the best combination. I managed to wash my face before crawling back in bed. But I could care less about anything else. No one was coming to see me.
After the third, or was it the fourth day of trying to drown my sorrows, persistent knocking woke me from my restless sleep.
"Go away." I yelled, hoping whoever was at the door would do just that.
Instead the door creaked open and Ashley stuck her head in.
"You're making it a habit of telling me to go away."
I groaned and pulled the comforter over my head.
"Come on. Get up." She sat down beside me and patted my back.
"No." I rolled over, turning my back to her. She yanked the covers off and I tried to grab them back, but she threw them on the floor. It took too much effort to crawl down and get it.
"Em, you smell like Vodka and vomit. It's time to get up and get in the shower."
"I don't want to." I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping she would leave so I could go back to sleep.
"Too bad. This ends tonight." Ashley grabbed my hand and started trying to pull me out of bed. I didn't have the strength or the energy to fight her. "You've been moping in here by yourself for a week. It's time you get out and face the world."
"A week?" I had definitely lost track of time. This just shows how fully he broke me. I've never closed myself off like this because of a break up. I've never drank two whole bottles of Vodka after one either, but the evidence on the floor shows that's exactly what had happened.
Mia stepped into the room, holding out her phone. "Here, someone wants to talk to you."
I shook my head, afraid I would hear his voice on the other end.
"Emily Grace Williams!" I heard Erin screech as Mia put her on speaker phone. "You don't call, you don't write, and I have to hear from Mia that you've locked yourself in your room for a week."
"Now get your skinny ass up out of that bed and into the shower."
"Erin, I can't...
"Don't give me that shit." she scolded. "Yes you can."
"He broke me." I started to sob. Ashley put her arm around my shoulders.
"Well, it's time to start picking up the pieces and putting yourself back together. I know you really liked this one, but you can't retreat into a shell like this."
"I love him." I cried. "I love him and I lied to him and told him I didn't."
"Babe, I know." Erin replied with a gentler voice. "How about you get up and get dressed and go out with Mia and Ashley tonight. Try to take your mind off him."
"We can go dancing." Mia sat down on the other side of me. "What do you say?"
"I don't know."
"Yes. She would love to go dancing with you girls." Erin answered. "Come on, Em. I love you and I wish I was there to help you through this. But you have two amazing friends there who are willing to hold you up. Let them."
I had never missed my best friend more than in this moment. I wanted her to be here with me, but she was right. I had to look around and accept what I did have.
"You can find a hot guy on the dance floor to take your mind off things."
I shook my head. "I don't want another guy. I'm swearing off men." I didn't miss the look Ashley and Mia exchanged. They didn't believe me.
"I don't blame you for that one," Erin said. "Find a hot girl to grind on instead."
I snorted out a laugh. "Okay. Fine. I'll at least shower." I had started to realize just how much I did smell. I'm surprised Ashely and Mia were sitting so close to me.
"That's my girl." Erin said. "I love you, Em. Mia, I'm turning her over to you."
"We've got it from here." Mia said.
I stood and started to go to the bathroom.
"Throw that shirt back out here." Ashley called. "It's going in the wash."
I gasped. "No. It smells like him."
"It smells like vomit and Cheetos." Mia said. I sighed. I stepped into the bathroom and stripped, tossing my clothes back out the door. I turned on the water and waited for it to warm up. When I stepped in, I closed my eyes and let the warm water rush over me. Of course, him being in this shower with me, washing my hair, popped into my head. I let the tears flow, promising myself that this would be the last time I cried. At least for the night.
When I stepped out of the bathroom, all fresh and clean with a towel wrapped around my hair and my body, I saw that Mia and Ashley had been busy. My bed was stripped, the empty bottles and bags were gone and Ashley was folding clothes from a basket that I had ignored.
"You don't have to do that." I told her.
"Here." She tossed a black lacy thong at me. I narrowed my eyes at her, but slid it on under the towel.
"This should work." Mia emerged from my closet holding a purple bodycon dress in her hands.
"I'm not wearing that." I shook my head. "I honestly don't even know why I bought that."
"Please?" Mia pouted.
"No." I was standing my ground on this one. I was willing to go out with them because I needed food and something to occupy my mind. But I wasn't willing to dress slutty and go hang out at a club to get hit on by guys. I opened a drawer and pulled out my favorite pair of ripped blue jeans and tossed them on the bathroom counter.
"You have to wear something besides jeans and a t-shirt." Mia pouted. "We're dressing up too." I saw the look Ashley shot her and knew it was the first time she had heard about this.
"Hold on." She disappeared into my closet and again. I sighed and gave Ashley a look. She shrugged. This time Mia emerged with two outfits. She handed one hanger to me and another to Ashley.
At least this time my outfit consisted of a black skirt and a burgundy top. Even if the top was open in the back.
"You two change. I'll be back in a jiffy and we will do hair and makeup."
"What's gotten into her?" I asked as Mia breezed out of the room.
"She's been worried about you." She held up the light pink dress Mia had handed her. "Do you mind?"
"No, go ahead." I stepped into the bathroom and changed into the skirt and top. I didn't like that I couldn't wear a bra with this top. I felt exposed, but I didn't have the willpower to fight Mia on this. I pulled the towel out of my hair and fluffled it, stepping back into my bedroom. Ashley had changed into the dress and was leaning over the counter, applying eyeliner. She whistled at me.
"You look hot."
"Thanks." I managed a small smile. "That dress looks great on you. You should keep it." She beamed and twirled a little, causing the dress to flow out. "Really?"
I nodded. Mia bounced back in the room wearing a black halter dress that fit her like a glove.
"Don't forget shoes." She pointed to the black stiletto boots I had worn on my birthday that lay on the floor. A pang hit my heart, even looking at them as I remember his reaction to seeing me in them. "Ash, you tackle hair and I'll do makeup."
"I feel like a life sized Barbie."
"Barbie doesn't talk." Mia retorted. "Sit so I can fix your face."
Once Mia was satisfied with my hair and makeup, she called an Uber to take us downtown. We ate at Kefi, the upscale Greek restaurant. The girls managed to keep the mood light, and I actually found myself having a good time and not thinking about him.
About halfway through our meal, Ashley looked down at her phone and made a head gesture to Mia.
"What was that?" I asked, looking between the two of them.
"What was what?" Ashley asked.
"That little head thing. What was it?"
"Just wondering if we should hurry it up and go."
"Go where?" I narrowed my eyes, looking back and forth between the two of them.
"We wanted to get to the club before it got crowded." Mia explained.
"It's under twenty one night, so we figured it might get packed."
I wasn't convinced. I had a feeling something was up. It made sense to go to the club that allowed twenty one and under since I was the only one who was of age. I still didn't think I was up for a club and dancing, but I was trying my hardest to go along with it and have a good time.
Ashley checked her phone again, and when I tried to sneak a peek she pulled it under the table.
"Sorry." she blushed. "I know it's supposed to be girls night, but it's Will."
I laughed. "It's okay, Ash. You can talk to your boyfriend without upsetting me."
"It's just that Will's his..."
I placed my hand on top of her's, not wanting her to finish that sentence. I had managed to go a whole hour without thinking about him.
"It's okay." I reassured her. Even though I envied what Ashley and Will had, and I had hoped that I could have that, I wasn't in the game of jeopardizing her relationship for my own sake. I had to bite my tongue to keep from asking her how he was. I knew she had seen him and as she started to point out, her boyfriend is his roommate. I briefly wondered if he had been going to class and waiting on me like he used to. Or was he back by Lucy's side?
I adjusted my skirt and tried to keep my mind from wandering back to him.
Fifteen minutes later, Ashley has managed to drag me down the street to Southbound nightclub. Even though it's a Thursday night, I can see that there is a crowd inside. I suddenly had the urge to flee. Ashley gripped my hand tighter as if she knew what I was thinking.
I showed my ID to the bouncer and got a bright orange band, while Mia and Ashley got giant X's on their hands.
"Let's dance, girls." Mia threw her hands in the air and headed straight to the dance floor. Unwilling to fight, I let her lead me to the dance floor. Ashley's eyes darted around as if she was looking for someone. But I tried to follow Mia's lead and started moving my hips to the beat. It didn't take long for a couple of frat boys to find us. Mia embraced the attention and started wiggling her butt into the guy's crotch. He smiled and nodded to his friend.
Another guy was trying to dance with Ashley, but she kept ducking and moving, keeping distance between herself and the persistent guy. A third guy came up behind me and snaked his arm around my waist, grinding his crotch into my back. I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. I pulled away and rushed off the dance floor in search of a stiff drink.
I managed to get to the bar and flag down the bartender, ordering a vodka tonic and a shot of tequila. The guy I had just left on the dance floor sauntered up beside me. He threw a twenty down on the bar.
"Her drinks are on me." He told the bartender. I took a second to absorb his features. His blonde hair was spiked and he wore his pink polo with a popped collar. His sunglasses draped around his neck. He also adorned a large X on his hand.
"Thanks, but I can get my own drink."
"I never mind buying a pretty girl a drink." He smiled at me. "I'm James." He took a step closer to me. I tossed back the shot of tequila.
"And I'm not interested." I took a sip of my Vodka tonic. "But thanks for the drinks."
"Don't be like that." His hand landed on the small of my back and I stiffened. "You don't come to a club dressed like this and not be interested."
I wanted to kill Mia for dressing me like this. I should have worn my jeans like I wanted to.
"I just came here to dance with my girlfriends tonight."
"Your girlfriends seem to be okay with gentlemen's company, and they aren't nearly as hot as you."
I grabbed his arm and pushed it off me. "Thanks again, but I'm good." The song changed then. The opening notes of Ed Sheeren's 'Shape of You' started.
"How about I insist on a dance as payment for the drink?" He wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I shuddered and started to move away when a voice had me freezing in place.
"She said she wasn't interested. Now get lost."
"I don't think so bro." James tried to pull me closer but I resided, my eyes now locked on my rescuer. "I paid for her drinks so expect something in return."
He pulled out his wallet and fished out a couple bills. He slammed the money into the guy's chest.
"There's your money back for the drinks, now get lost before I bloody your face."
The guy stumbled back and scowled at me. "Whatever, man. She's a cock tease anyway." The guy disappeared leaving me face to face with the man I had been avoiding for the past week. I ripped my gaze off him, and turned back around, downing my drink.
He placed his hands on either side of me, encasing me between him and the bar. "I think we were set up."
I looked over my shoulder to the dance floor where Ashley was now happily dancing with Will and Mia was now grinding on Joe. I shook my head as Ed's voice continued to croon over the speakers.
"So it would seem." I should have seen this coming. His hand slid around my waist and I felt the familiar pull as those suppressed emotions started to stir in me again.
"I've missed you." He whispered in my ear.
"Jay." I whimpered his name and felt myself melt into him as his other arm wrapped around me. I knew I should pull away and end this. Tell him like I told the frat guy, that I wasn't interested. But I couldn't. I had craved his touch for the past week. I had wanted to feel him against me, just one more time. Now, here he was.
"Tell me you didn't miss me too." His hand slid across my midriff, kissing me behind my ear. He knew just what I liked. He knew what got me going. His mouth hit exactly the right spots. I closed my eyes and gripped his forearms, my hands gliding over him.
"I still want you, Emily." I could tell just how much by what was pressing into my backside. He slid a hand up under my top, his thumb grazing my nipple. "You told me you didn't love me. That I was nothing to you." His breath was hot on my neck and his whispers in my ear had me all hot and bothered. Damned if I didn't have it bad for this man. And he knew it.
"Your body is telling me something different, Emmy." he nipped my ear with his teeth. "Your body is telling me you still want me to." I bit my bottom lip, trying to find the courage inside to end this like I knew I should. But I was weak. Instead I turned in his embrace and pulled him down so I could taste his lips. That kiss was everything. Everything from the past week I had been trying to forget flooded back in. My hands tangled in his hair as his hands found my ass. I was three seconds away from climbing him, right here at the bar. I somehow managed to break away from him. I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the back of the club. I took the stairs leading up to the VIP section which was roped off tonight. Stepping over the rope, I pulled him with me.
He grabbed my waist again and pushed me up against the wall. He kissed me with an urgency and I returned it just as greedily. Our hands were all over each other.
"Fuck, Emmy. You taste so good." He placed his hands on my bottom and lifted me up. My legs wrapped around his waist as he pressed me further into the wall.
I panted his name when he started kissing down my neck, his hands cupping my breasts. I was losing all control.
"If you don't tell me to stop, I'm going to fuck you right here." His eyes looked into mine. I saw the familiar fire burning behind them. I knew he had to be seeing the same thing. I wanted him, just like he wanted me. I captured his mouth again, all the control gone.
"Don't stop." I whispered. "I want you. I never stopped wanting you."
He swung me around and carried me to a red velvet sofa. He sat down, leaving me straddling his lap. He pushed up my flimsy top and sucked my nipple into his mouth. My fingers made quick work of the buttons on his shirt, then I splattered my hands over his chest. My skirt had ridden up and he pushed it higher, pulling at the thong that Ashley insisted I wore. It didn't matter because in a matter of seconds it was gone. His finger found my clit and I threw my head down on his chest, biting his shoulder to keep from crying out. As one finger slid inside me, I fumbled with his belt and unfastened his pants. His erection springing free. I took it in my hands and stroked it.
"Condom?" I managed to get out.
"Shit." He drew back from me, his eyes wide.
I wagged my finger at him. "No condom, no sex." As I said this, I rubbed my wet pussy against his thickness. He groaned and gripped my hair. I roll my hips, watching as his head fell back and his mouth drops open.
"Fuck, you're going to have to stop." He said. There was no way I was stopping. I adjusted my hips and rubbed his dick at my opening. He groaned with pleasure. "You're killing me, baby." I raise my hips and slide onto his dick. He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me closer as he moved inside me, skin to skin for the first time. He felt so damn good. He made me feel so good. I shamelessly rode him. He took my nipple into his mouth again, biting it lightly as his thumb found my clit.
I knew we were both dancing on the edge of the cliff, but I didn't want it to end. When it ended we were right back to where we started.
"I'm going to come, baby." He stammered. I let him pull me closer, burying my face in his neck as I felt his hot warmth flood me. I lost it, and cried out, biting his neck again. We stayed like that for several moments. Him still inside me as we got out breathing back under control. I eventually sat back and he cupped my face in his hands and brought my mouth to his. This kiss was slow and sensational.
I placed my hands on his chest and pushed back. "You destroyed another pair of underwear."
He just pumped his eyebrows at me, running his hand along the small of my back. I crawled off him, then. I felt his cum as it rolled out of me and down the inside of my leg. My heart was beating so erratically, I was sure he could hear it. I adjusted my clothes, my mind racing. We had just had sex. With no protection. What was I supposed to do with this? What was supposed to happen now? After I had adjusted myself, I turned back around to face him. He still sat on the couch, his dick out and his shirt unbuttoned.
"Are you going to get dressed?"
He raised his eyebrow at me. He shoved his dick back into his pants, his eyes not leaving mine. Then he reached up and grabbed me by the waist and pulled me back down into his lap.
"The girls are going to wonder where I am." I tried to defer everything I was feeling.
"I think they know." He ran his hand up my leg. I pushed off his lap, so I was sitting on the couch next to him. He turned to face me and leaned in to kiss me. I placed my hands on his chest to stop him. I didn't look him in the eye, instead I pulled his shirt together and started buttoning it. The sex was over, now we were back to hiding our feelings from each other. At least that's what I was telling myself. I had to put up a wall in order to protect myself.
"Emmy," his voice was deep and gravelly. I shook my head and placed a finger over his lip.
"Don't say anything." I whispered. I wasn't ready to talk about this. About what had just happened and about the other stuff. I ran my hand over his cheek and up through his hair. He didn't move and didn't take his eyes off me. This would have been easier if he had just shoved me aside after sex. Why did he have to be looking at me that way? It was making what had to happen next so much harder.
"Are you sure they are up here?" Voices on the steps had me removing my hands from him.
"Where else would they be?" I heard Ashley say.
"I think we've been made." he said just as Will and Ashley's heads popped up over the stairs. I scooted back from him and bent over to pick up my ripped underwear. I tossed them at him and he smirked before shoving them in his pocket.
"I'll add them to my collection." He winked. I rolled my eyes and ran my hands through my hair.
"Told you there were up here." Ashley sang as she headed toward us, Will in tow. Jay put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him. Ashley sat on the couch across from us and Will handed Jay a beer and me a gin and tonic.
"Thanks." I mumbled.
"Did you two make up?" Ashley clapped her hands together and smiled.
"Something like that." He rubbed his thumb in lazy circles over my shoulder.
"Thank god." Will sat down beside Ashley. "I couldn't take another day of your moping."
I looked up at him and he smiled at me.
"I wasn't moping." He said directly to me.
"We can ask your buddies Jack and Jim if you were moping if you like." Will laughed.
He was still looking at me. For some reason, knowing he was miserable over the past several days made me feel just a little bit better.
"This one was no better off." Ashley pointed her finger at me. I shot her a look, but she ignored it and kept on. "She's been living off Vodka and Cheetos."
"Vodka, huh?" Jay whispered in my ear. When I looked up at him he was smiling. It wasn't quite the smile that made his eyes crinkle, but it was still one of those smiles that made my heart somersault. I didn't acknowledge his comment, instead I pulled my eyes away from him.
"Mia and I had to practically drag her out of her room tonight."
I had never wanted to throw something at Ashley as bad as I did at this moment. Instead I took the out and changed the subject.
"Speaking of, where is Mia?"
"You're not going to believe this." Ashley sat forward on the couch. "She's out back making out with Joe."
"What?" I exclaimed with a chortle. "What the hell is she thinking?"
"Careful now." Ashley warned. "That's my brother."
"Guess Joe finally got the balls to make a move." Jay said. Ashley and I both looked at him with our mouths wide.
"What do you mean?" Ashley asked.
"He's had it bad for Mia for a while." Jay informed her.
"Shut your face. He has not." Ashley shot back.
"Afraid so, babe." Will said. "I thought you knew."
"No." She sat back on the couch. "I had no idea. I hope Mia isn't just rebounding with him."
"There are big kids, they will figure it out." Jay said. I let my eyes fall back on him.
Were we going to be able to figure this out? As I looked at him this time, all I could see was him escorting Lucy back down the hall to her room, and him walking away from me in the park. My heart squeezed just a little too hard.
"I need to find the ladies room." I blurted and jumped up. I bolted down the stairs as quickly as I could. I had to put some distance between us. We might be big kids, but I wasn't so sure we were going to be able to figure out anything.
I swung into the bathroom and leaned against the counter, taking several deep breaths. I closed my eyes and willed back the tears.
The door swung open again and Ashley walked in.
"You okay?" she asked.
I didn't say a word. I just turned on the water and started scrubbing my hands.
"I hope you aren't mad at us. We just thought it would be good for the two of you to talk and work this out."
I slammed off the washer and ripped a paper towel from the dispenser.
"Talk?" I chortled. "You thought dressing me like this and setting up this little rendezvous was going to get us to talk?"
"It did, though. Didn't it."
"No, Ashley. It didn't." I banged my fist on the counter. "We fucked. Because that is what we are good at. Not talking."
"Oh." Ashley took a step back.
"Nothing is solved. We aren't magically some perfect couple like you and Will. So I would appreciate it if you would keep out of it."
"I'm sorry." she held up her hands. "I just know how much you both care about each other and I had to do something."
I scoffed. "The only thing he cares about is how quickly he can get my underwear off."
"I don't think that is true. Maybe you should give him another chance. Hear his side of things."
"I have given him more chances than he deserves. The final one was my birthday and you remember how that turned out."
"Em, I just think..."
I throw up my hands. "Enough. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of not being put first. I can't do this with him anymore. I'm letting it go and so should you."
I pushed past her and out of the bathroom. I kept walking through the busy club and out the front door. I sucked in a couple deep breaths and leaned up against the wall. Just when I thought I had built myself a nice fort to hide in, it came crumbling back down again. Every last bit of the pain that I had tried so hard to drink away and forget was right back, shattering my already shattered heart.