When I woke the next morning, he was gone. I lay in bed, tears streaming down my face. I reached up and clutched the pendent around my neck. He may think he wasn't good enough for me, that I deserved better, but nothing was farther from the truth.
He had been everything I had ever wanted and more. I never meant to fall in love with him, but I had. It hurt that we were never given a chance to just be in love with each other. It hurt knowing he was with her now. It hurt not knowing if I would ever get to see him again. I love him but in our case, love just isn't enough.
I wiped my eyes and sat up on the side of the bed. I managed to make my way out of my room into the living room. I slowly walked around the bar, leading into the kitchen. The floor was spotless. Will and Ashley had out done themselves. It didn't stop me from seeing Lucy lying there, in that puddle of blood. Her face so lifeless and Jay's guilt ridden face kneeling beside her.
I shook my head and quickly poured myself a glass of orange juice. I really wanted coffee, but I didn't want to stand here and wait while it brewed.
I found my phone plugged into the charger on the end table. I sat on the couch and unlocked it. No new messages, no missed calls. I pulled up his name and considered calling him, but then thought better of it. Instead I stared at the picture on his contact photo. He smiled at me with those blue eyes from my screen.
"Hey, you okay?" Mia asked, sitting down beside me. I realized I had been crying again. Tears streamed down my face.
"Not really." I closed my phone and laid it down on the table. Mia wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me close to her.
"I'm so sorry, honey. I'm here for you."
"He's not," I sniffled. "He left. And I don't think he's coming back." Mia patted my shoulder, trying to comfort me. But I only wanted comfort from him.
"I'm so stupid." I blurted. "I should have listened to you. I should have never gotten involved with him. Then none of this would have happened."
"That's not true." Mia said. "I was the stupid one for discouraging you. It's clear how much the two of you love each other." She leaned forward and grabbed a couple kleenex from the box on the table handing them to me. I wiped my eyes and blew my nose. "What Lucy did was horrible, but it would have happened sooner or later. Whether the girl was you, or someone else he started dating."
"It doesn't matter. It's over now. I lost him before I ever really had him."
"I don't think that is true. I've seen the way he looks at you."
"He left to go be with her." I picked apart the kleenex in my hand. "Last night felt like goodbye."
"I bet you will hear from him soon. Just give him some time to let it all sink in."
I gave him all day Saturday and Sunday. He never called or texted. Everytime my phone dinged, my heart jumped into my throat, hoping it was him. It never was.
I talked to my mom, who called to wish me a happy birthday. I pretended everything was fine and managed not to cry during our conversation. Ashley kept texting or calling to check on me. I cried on the phone with Erin, filling her in on the events of the night. I couldn't eat, but Mia kept forcing me to drink water. I eventually drank it just to get her to leave me alone.
I almost called him a hundred times and texted him a hundred more. But I refrained. He was the one who had left. He had made it clear he didn't want me to be there for him. So, I instead cried until my eyes were swollen and I had no more tears left to cry.
When my alarm started blaring on Monday morning, I shut it off and considered rolling back over and going back to sleep. Instead, I made myself get up and get in the shower. I wasn't sure if he would even be in class. Seeing him would hurt, but at least I would know he was okay. He still hadn't called or texted. This is the longest we had gone without some sort of contact since we first met. Every day I talked to him, or texted him. Every day for three months. Now nothing.
I shoved my books into my bag and made the trek up the hill towards class. I stopped once I was outside Dougherty Hall. I was used to seeing his handsome face, waiting outside for me when I topped the hill. But he was nowhere in sight today. I waited around for a few minutes, hoping he would show up.
After a few minutes, I started to feel stupid, so I huffed and stormed into the building. As I neared the door to the classroom, I had to stop and bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. I didn't know what would be worse, walking in and seeing him sitting at his desk, knowing he didn't wait outside for me, or seeing his desk empty, knowing he was still by her side.
I finally gathered my courage and walked into the class just as the professor was starting the lecture. I kept my head down until I got to our seats. His empty desk taunted me as I slid into mine.
The empty desk was worse, I decided. I imagined him sitting by a hospital bed, holding Lucy's hand. He was telling her how sorry he was and that he will never stray from her side again. Telling her how much he loved her and what a huge mistake I had been.
I barely held it together through class. I didn't have a clue what the lecture had been about and if we had homework, I wasn't listening when he assigned it. I bolted out of the class as soon as we were dismissed. The second I was out of the building, the tears started to flow. How is it possible to miss someone this much? To miss the little things like him walking me to class, or tugging on my hair to get my attention, just so he could smirk and wink at me. I hated that I missed him this much. I hated that I clearly didn't mean as much to him as I thought. If I had, he would have called or at least texted.
After today, I knew for sure that those last hours early Saturday morning had been our last. I didn't make it to my next class. Instead I went back to the apartment and cried into my pillow.
He wasn't in class on Wednesday either. I had gone just to see if he would show up. I was glutton for punishment at this point. The pain inside engulfed me. I felt like I was spiraling and I wasn't sure how to stop it. I just wanted to hear his voice. To know he was okay. I was willing to accept that things were over between us, even though it hurt. The uncertainty hurt more.
Ashley came over on Thursday. We sat on the couch and pretended to watch a movie. She told me that Jay had been back to his apartment just for short periods of time. Mostly to shower and change, then he was gone again. She said Will had told her he looked completely miserable. I guess she thought it would make me feel better knowing he wasn't happy. But it didn't. If anything it made it worse.
Ashley left and I pulled out my laptop. I stared at the flashing cursor in my word doc as I tried to start on my paper that was due next week. Words seemed to have left my brain too because I couldn't remember how to string them together.
When my phone pinged, I didn't lunge for it like I had been the past several days. I wasn't expecting to hear from him at this point.
Thirty minutes later, still staring at the blank computer screen. I picked up my phone.
Jay: Meet me in the park in an hour.
My heart leapt into my throat. I fumbled the phone and almost dropped it in my shock. I looked at the time. He texted me over thirty minutes ago, which meant he would be waiting for me. I jumped up and started for the door. I stopped just as I pulled it open. It had been six days without a word, and I jumped at his first contact. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I knew this wasn't going to be an easy conversation. I wasn't sure my heart could handle it. I almost talked myself out of going. Instead I grabbed my raincoat, threw it on, and briskly walked the three blocks to the park.
The rain was coming down in a steady drizzle by the time I reached the park. I pulled my hood tighter around my head and zipped my jacket as I stepped into the park.
It was deserted today, the rain keeping away the joggers and sunbathers. It seemed fitting for it to be raining today when meeting him. This wasn't like all the times before.
I spotted him right away. He was standing in front of the fountains. They still danced despite the rain that peppered down around them. I bit back a sob as I neared him. As if he felt my presence, he turned as I approached.
Water ran in rivulets down his face, his gray t-shirt clung to his chest. As I neared him, I realized it wasn't rain running down his face, but tears. My heart ached for him. I wanted nothing more than to step into his arms and hold him. I wanted to feel him against me more than I had ever wanted anything. Instead I stopped a few feet from him, not trusting myself to get any closer.
He closed the distance between us and placed his hands on my face. His lips crashed into mine before I had a chance to protest. As his tongue danced into my mouth, my arms wrapped around his neck. Just like that, I was pressed against him, melting in his arms. After a few minutes, he pulled back and rested his head against mine.
"I missed you, Emmy." His lips were on mine again. I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him back. He broke our kiss, but didn't let me go.
"Why haven't you called me?" I found my voice.
"I wanted to. Believe me. I wanted to." He stroked his thumb across my cheek. "You are all I have thought about since I left your arms Saturday morning."
Something inside me snapped. I pushed him back and stepped out of his embrace. I clenched my fist, my nails digging into my palms.
"You couldn't call me because you've been with her, haven't you?" I accused.
"Yes." He shoved his hands into his pockets. "But it's not what you think."
A bitter laugh escaped me. "What am I supposed to think, Jay? You disappear. You don't call, or text. I don't have a clue what has been happening. Only the bits and pieces I have gotten from Ashley and Will. I've been worried sick about you and that's all you have to say? It's not what I think?"
"Emmy, please. Let's go inside and talk." He took a step toward me and I took a step back, holding up my hands.
"No. I can't do this Jay." I started to shake. "I can't keep doing this."
"Emmy, baby, please listen to me." He was in front of me again. His finger tilted my face up to his. "I've been at the hospital..."
"And couldn't call. I get it. But you don't, Jay." I pushed him with more force this time. Not expecting it, he stumbled.
"I can't go back to being your little secret. I'm not going to hide our relationship again. That's why it has to end. You said I deserved better and you were right. I do."
He flinched and his chest hitched. He took a step towards me then stopped, his shoulders dropping. I should have stopped then and walked away. But I wanted him to hurt like I had been hurting for the past six days.
"I deserve someone who will be in a relationship with me. Someone who will put me first. Not someone who has baggage tied up with his ex and her family. I wish I had never met you." Tears were pouring down my face now, mixing with the rain.
He didn't say anything. He just took my lashing. I knew my words had hit their mark. I could see the hurt on his face. Good.
"I should have said this a long time ago. Goodbye, Jay."
I turned to walk away, but he grabbed my elbow and whirled me back around. I was ready to lash out more angry words, but his mouth covered mine. I wanted to fight him. To push him off. But I didn't. The kiss didn't last long. When he pulled back he took a few steps back, then he turned and walked away, leaving me there in the rain, watching him go.