Days went by and I was getting angrier by the minute.
Even though I didn't get any decent answer as to why he refused to kiss me in any circumstance, Soap was still visiting me at late evenings to have sex. Not that I was complaining; he would leave me beyond satisfied and he would go back to his duties just as same... He was amazing with his tongue, hands and dick. We were bringing relief to our stress on a nightly basis.
But the idea of not being kissed, not even a quick peck or a messy lick on the lips, was definitely bothering me deeply. I needed a plausible explanation as to why he was withholding some things. Even though I was well versed on human behavior, his particularities were indeed an annoying puzzle.
Another night went on, and after maintaining the aftercare of Elise's and Keegan's health conditions through physiotherapy, I secluded myself to my tent. I simply changed my pants to a sleeping shorts and kept the tank top. While I was enjoying a cup of tea, I heard the usual knocking at the tent's pole. It was Soap, as always.
As soon as I unzipped the tent he barged in with urgency; with an uncontrollable erection nearly peeking out of the sweatpants' hem, lunging at my neck and pulling me by the waist with passion, making me feel his bulge against my crotch. Although I felt tempted to surrender to his gropings and get railed by him once again, I had to supress my urges and have a serious talk. I tried to get away from his lustful grasp, to no avail.
- Johnny, we need to talk...
- We can talk after a good fuck... I missed you...
- Wait, what?!? - the struggle was real.
He kept groping, nibbling, leaving hickeys and almost ripping my clothes off. I had no other alternative than to grab his face and force a kiss on his lips, just to get a reaction out of him. And as I predicted, it worked like a charm; he promptly backed down.
- S-sorry, I... - he was stuttering.
- Cool off and sit down, Soap. We need to talk.
- Whatever you need, Mo' Leannan... - he cautiously sat on my desk chair. - Wot's the bother?
- The 'bother' is exactly that: you're withholding certain physical contacts. Why?
That question was stingy to him. He paused for a long minute before clearing out his throat and formulate a convincing answer. I've sat down on the edge of my bed, with my arms crossed over my chest, waiting for his reply. Hesitantly, a nervous fidget Soap decided to speak up.
- Well, ye got me there, eh... I-I'm not trying to be nasty or anything, but I feel like I'm not ready yet.
- Not ready yet for what? For a kiss between us?
- I feel like a kiss is too intimate, anno? - he glanced at me with worried eyes. - And I don't want to give you false hopes.
- We're both adults, Soap. If you've been honest with me upfront, I would've follow suit. Your silence and avoidance gave space to a lot of weird conclusions.
- I'm sorry for that... I still...
- You still hold feelings for Elise, right? - I've lined out a resigned downward grin.
- ...Sort of.
- Very well. - I got up, crossing the cardigan over me. - I will respect that. But we will have to diminish our sexual activities.
- Fair enough. - he got up, letting out a sigh. - I'm not going to overstep your boundaries.
- Efcharistó, agapití mou Soap.
- No problems. - he walked towards the tent entrance. - I guess our fun is over for the night, eh... Better get going.
- You can stay and cuddle... Is not the same as sex or our movie session at the base lounge, but is part of the deal.
- Nah, I'll let you rest. - he beamed up a bit. - Besides, I have to think things through and come clean to you. It's not fair to ye, anno?
- I totally understand. - I've let out a smile. - Try to get some rest yourself.
- I'll try... Although I'll miss ye.
Sheepishly, Soap walked back towards me and gave me a kiss on the forehead. As he walked out of my tent, I couldn't hold my sadness and frustration. I was honestly starting to like him, and even though that was a dangerous feeling that developed only through sex, I wasn't willing to give up on it.
I wanted to cry.
I was feeling dumb.
I shook my head and rubbed my eyes, preventing my tears from rolling down my face. I had work to do. I should be focusing on that, instead of a military fling.
I've laid down in bed, trying to sleep my sadness away.
******************************
The day was dreadfully hot, but after treating some small first-aids and a scary concussion, I headed straight to Keegan and Elise. The physiotherapy was progressing wonderfully; in no time they would be good as new.
- Your progress status is promising, Satan. Both you and Keegan have been beating the odds every single day.
- Thank you, doc. - she grunted while lifting a made up dumbbell. - I want to be back in the field as soon as possible.
- If you keep that consistency, that's a certainty. Great job so far.
- Can I talk to you about something, doc?
- Sure, go ahead.
- I know you and Johnny have been sleeping together.
I paused. My eyes widened, taken aback by her blunt statement. I quickly recollected myself, cleared my throat and kept typing my notes. She knew that what she said so casually had hit a nerve. Elise was side eyeing me, expecting a reaction. Her expression was a mixture of jealousy and curiosity. I took a deep breath, and calmly replied.
- ...Yes, we are. Is there a problem?
- Not really. - she rested the dumbbell on the floor. - I'm just concerned about him.
- He's an adult... I believe he knows what he wants.
- Is that so?
- Indubitably so. - I spat. - He was the one who initiated the whole relationship...
- ..."Relationship"...? - she scoffed in disbelief.
- What's exactly your "concern", Elise? Aren't you married?
- You should start to be careful, doctor... Johnny is my best friend.
- Best friends don't toy with each others feelings. And that's exactly what you've been doing to him.
Elise was furious, and her silence was loud. She clenched her jaw, her eyes were glistering with a fury that was beyond my comprehension. It was clear that she wanted to attack me, but she was trying her best to keep composure. She also wasn't in her best shape to do so.
I've let out a calming sigh and glanced at her, ready for the consequences:
- You can give me a thousand dirty looks, Elise... I honestly don't give a hot damn. However, if you decide to hurt me, you'll be hurting your "friendship" with Johnny, and maybe straining your marriage.
- ...What do you know about my relationships? - she spat. - You just got enlisted and is already acting like you own everybody!
- And you're right; I don't own anyone here. But trust is something that you earn due to credibility, and I have plenty. So, I always know.
- Using medical confidentiality against us... You're a bitch, Angelina.
- Never said I wasn't. - I got up to leave. - Our physiotherapy is finished for today; the pain meds will be staying the same, no additional dose. Until tomorrow, Satan.
I walked away feeling a pressure on the back of my neck; her murderous intent was clearly affecting me. Elise was seriously disturbing; I couldn't imagine being her enemy, but here I was, nearly picking a fight with her. She reeked of violence.
As I was heading back to the infirmary, Ghost was leaning on the warehouse doorframe, arms crossed over his chest. He stopped me on my tracks, easily towering me. I closed my eyes for a moment to recollect my composure.
- ...Can I help you, Lieutenant?
- I couldn't stop myself from overhearing your convo.
- Classy. - I scoffed.
- Knock it off, doc. You're among dangerous people.
- Are you threatening me, Lieutenant?
- Quite the opposite. - he chuckled. - Just letting you know.
- I wonder who's really the dangerous one around here... Because I can end a life too.
- Is that so? - he growled in defiance.
- Yes, Lieutenant... And it never looks like a murder.
He retreated a bit from me, with a prideful look in his eyes. I nodded as a silent thanks and kept walking. I was nervous; the air seemed heavy in my lungs and my heart was out of compass. I stood up to both Satan and Ghost...! Such insanity almost made me faint!
I needed to calm down. I was intoxicated by fear, and my body was showing the signs: I was dizzy, my hands were shaky and my throat was dry. I've sat down on my desk literally chugging down a whole water bottle; didn't care if it spilled on myself. I was seriously considering to finish everything for the day and go to my tent to take a nap; sleep my problems away... It sounded tempting.
In the evening, some of the soldiers and operatives have returned from the field, and since they've returned unscathed with a rewarding progress on the mission, some celebration was being made with beer, snacks, roasted hunts and playing cards. I wasn't so inclined to socialize at the moment, but they've insisted, with the excuse that "the angel who keeps us alive must be around on good times as well". Hehe, silly boys.
Without much choice, I took a quick shower and dressed myself a bit more casually for the occasion. the open area in front of the warehouse had a bonfire built by them, and some crates placed as mini tables and seats. Soap got up from his seating spot to rush towards me, carrying his charismatic crooked smile. He hugged me tightly, making me feel his whole body... It felt nice.
- Glad to see you here with us, Angie.
- I was planning to get some sleep, but a celebration never hurts.
- I saved ye a seat; come on! - his smile showed up again.
Soap held my hand and led me towards the bonfire. All kinds of looks were upon us; which only confirmed that they knew what was going on.
Elise followed us with her eyes, and didn't hide her dissatisfaction and jealousy, even while sitting next to Ghost. Soap handed me a beer and sat next to me, resting his hand on my knee... Another controversy created, more flabbergasted looks towards us.
After a few more beers and laughing at some shenanigans, I decided to go for a small stroll and get some fresh air. Soap caught up to me, gently holding my waist. My skin crawled in excitement upon his touch.
- Going dark for the night already?
- Just appreciating the quietude, that's all.
- I want to appreciate that with you. - he hugged me from behind; kissing the curve of my neck. I melted.
- By seducing me like that? - I chuckled.
- I'm behaving... - he laughed. - Despite the fact that you make me wanna take you right here.
- You better behave, John MacTavish! - I had to cackle. - I'm not an outdoorsy person!
- Whoa, calling me out with government name? Then it's serious!
- It will always be serious.
- You should relax, lassie. There's only us here.
- Are you sure? - I turned to face him. - Physically, there's only us, but...
- Do you really believe that I think about someone else when I'm hanging out with you? - he frowned.
- And you don't?
Soap's silence was enough answer. He immediately understood what I was talking about. The cloudless sky intensified by the moonlight, shinning upon us and making his blue eyes brighter. His worried expression was being followed up by his fidgety fingers on my lower back. The situation seemed like a beautiful awkwardness. After several minutes staring at each other, he finally decided to speak, with hesitancy in his tone.
- Look, I know that I still need to get over the past, and I'm not telling ye that I don't try; I swear to Jesus, that's my internal battle everyday. But she still messes me up a little too much... It's fucking ridiculous!
- You must forgive yourself for not being able to release her from your mind yet, Soap. But at the same time, you should take risks, just like you do at missions.
- It's not the same, Angie. - he pressed his forehead on mine. - Taking a risk on a mission gives a sense of fun, of winning... In that case with Elise, it's like giving up on someone important. It's a loss, anno?
- But it's already a loss when you project her onto other people... You're grieving her.
- Grieving...?
- Yes, grieving. - I held his face with both hands. - In the back of your mind, she "died"... But in your heart, she still persists.
- I'm not sure of how to... - he frowned.
- One step at a time, Johnny. Give yourself grace... And one step at a time.
- You called me Johnny... - his eyes were gleaming.
- Yes, I did. You asked, I did.
He was studying my face with wonder in his blue eyes; as if I had unlocked something within him. He slowly hugged me tighter, resting his head on my shoulder. I reciprocated, pulling him closer. I could hear his heartbeat; his chest was warm. The silence that was only broke by the breeze and the crickets suddenly was filled with a quiet sob. I felt my shirt getting slightly damp with his tears... My heart broke seeing him so hurt.
- Do you want to sleepover at my tent tonight, Johnny?
- Just... Give me a minute... Let me stay here... A bit longer...
- You have all the time you need, my dear.