Losing control and enjoying the evening was impossible with the awareness of having Pedro Pascal's eyes on me. How could I have danced knowing he was nearby? So when I was offered a round of shots, I more than gladly accepted it.
"Go! Go!" Elena shouted, leaning on the bar counter and looking at me amused. She had turned down the shots because she realized she wasn't cut out for drinking too much alcohol.
The vodka burned my throat, but I forced myself to swallow it. The alcohol made me lose my balance for a moment and I had to hold on to the counter to keep from falling to the ground.
"Are you okay, Ale?" Laura asked me, placing a hand on my shoulder.
"Yes, yes," I blurted out. "I think I need to get some air, though."
"Okay, if you get out now you should find the others."
Before the three of us went to the bar, the rest of Laura's friends had gone out for a smoke. Nodding, I walked towards the exit. Laura and Elena remained alone behind me.
I found the small group standing near the sidewalk. They greeted me quickly and I had to refuse the cigarette that Mattia was offering me.
I allowed the cool evening air to calm me and drive the professor out of my head.
"Everything OK?"
I looked up at Mattia. "Mmm?"
"You look far away with your head."
I rubbed my neck, thinking about how to respond. "Really?" I laughed with nervousness. "It's the alcohol that makes me dizzy."
His gaze continued to study me. I moved mine towards the door of the club, wanting to leave that conversation as quickly as possible.
"Listen," he said, and I knew what was about to happen.
"Yes?" I forced myself to answer.
Mattia lowered his gaze, putting his hands in his pockets. His expression was serious and he looked flustered. "Are you seeing anyone yet?"
I took a deep breath. I hated having that kind of conversation. Not that it happened to me often, but the ending was always the same.
A boy whom I barely liked and whom I considered nothing more than a friend came to me to confess his feelings to me. I felt like shit, but I was forced to refuse him.
"No," I answered honestly. Before he could continue, I added, "But I'm not looking for any relationship right now. I have to focus on my final exams and in September I'm going to study in another city and it would be complicated."
Mattia kept his face down, trying to hide his disappointment from me. "You can be honest and tell me if there's anyone else, you know."
That comment annoyed me. "I was honest," I snapped. "Until July, school will have my priority."
Mattia raised his head and, continuing to avoid my gaze, moved his eyes toward the outside of the club. His jaw was clenched and I assumed he was clenching his fists.
"Mmm," he mumbled and I thought he still didn't believe me.
Lips sealed, I ran my tongue over my teeth. Whatever emotion he was feeling was none of my concern. Yes, I liked Mattia, but we were barely acquaintances and I owed him nothing, above all I wasn't forced to pretend to have feelings for him. I would have ended up hurting both of us.
"I'm going back inside" I announced, also attracting the attention of the others who were distracted by a conversation that I hadn't followed.
I wasted no time in telling Mattia that we could have been friends. I would have lied and it would have been a waste of time. After receiving a confession, I hadn't remained friends with any of those boys. Their pride had been hurt forever or perhaps they no longer considered me worthy of their company.
I shrugged and walked towards the club.
I didn't like Mattia that way. Perhaps, if we had been friends, I might have reconsidered. Maybe I would even fall in love with him after getting to know him better. But at that moment he didn't interest me. My mind and heart were elsewhere, kidnapped by someone who didn't want me.
I wondered if I had just made a mistake. A relationship with a boy my age could be the cure for the feelings I had for an older man.
I reached the bathrooms, locking myself inside the toilet.
No, the only cure for my unrequited love was silence and detachment. I had to hold on during the months remaining in my fifth year of high school. Then, I would have said goodbye to Pedro Pascal and forgotten about him. Only then would my heart be able to accept someone else.
I took my time, starting to ponder on the toilet.
"Do not even think about it!"
I recognized that voice right away.
Professor Pascal was standing beyond the bathroom door talking to someone else.
"Why? You said you're not interested," the man who was with him replied. It took me a while to figure out that it was his friend Oscar.
"She's just a girl and you're a grown man. It's wrong and you know it very well."
I strained my ears, unable to believe what I was hearing.
"Pedro" his voice was mischievous. "She is an adult too and she can make her own decisions."
I heard heavy footsteps. "You won't flirt with her," Pascal insisted. Oscar laughed. "You may be my best friend, but I swear I'll break your face."
"Okay, okay," he said condescendingly. "I won't hit on her, are you happy now?"
Pascal didn't answer and I heard the sound of flowing water.
"But in return, you must admit how you feel."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"You like her, admit it."
"She is one of my students!" Pascal's voice was lower and rougher.
My heart exploded, pounding with such intensity that I thought I was about to pass out. I put a hand over my mouth, fighting back a cry of surprise.
Just then, my phone decided it was time to fall. I froze. The noise seemed deafening and I was sure they both heard it too.
I held my breath, counting the seconds in my head.
"Let's go back to the others," Professor Pascal said.
I heard their footsteps as they walked away. To be safe, I waited a few more minutes before exiting the lavatory.
The conversation I had just overheard couldn't be real. Surely alcohol had driven me crazy and I had imagined it. There was no other explanation.
Professor Pascal didn't have a crush on one of his students. And even if it were true, I certainly wouldn't have been directly affected.
It was just impossible.
A joke, an illusion.
I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My face was red, whether it was from alcohol or something else I couldn't tell. I arranged my hair with robotic movements and allowed myself a few more minutes of deep breaths.
As I stepped out of the bathroom, the music filled my ears, rumbling from ear to ear. In the minutes I had spent outside and in the toilets, more people had arrived and it had become difficult to move around the place.
I moved through the crowd, trying not to lose my phone or my sense of direction. I scrambled to the point where we'd danced before going to get shots. I looked for Elena and Laura.
As soon as I could spot them in the crowd of people who were dancing, I blanched.
When did I fall asleep? Had I passed out?
In the space of a few minutes, two impossible situations had occurred. First Professor Pascal involuntarily admits that he has a crush on one of his students. Then, I find Laura and Elena kissing passionately.
None of this could be real.
I spent endless seconds staring at them. To confirm it wasn't a dream, I looked at my phone screen, managing to read both the time and the message I had received from another friend of mine.
It's impossible to read in dreams.
For further confirmation, I pinched my hand. Pain shot through my nerves, reaching my brain.
Laura and Elena were kissing. I could no longer deny it.
When and how did it happen? But above all, why? Were they kissing for a bet, or maybe to understand what it feels like? Neither of these options seemed right.
The answer came slowly, maybe alcohol played its part in making me dumber. I went through all the memories I had with my two friends looking for some moment that could explain when they had developed feelings for each other.
I felt like such a fool. I had been blind. The clues were there, though they were few. I had traded them as proofs of friendship. After all, what was the difference between what I felt for them and what they felt for each other? It was still love, even if I had never felt the need to kiss one of them.
And every time the possibility that it was something else crept into my head, I pushed it away.
I kept staring at them, not knowing what to do. It felt wrong to go up to them and interrupt, especially when they seemed so happy. At the same time, I didn't know what else to do. The two of them were my only supports in that place. I wanted to tell them about the conversation I had with Mattia and the one I had overheard, but if I had gone to them at that moment I would have had to have another conversation.
And now? What did that kiss mean? Would they get together? I was too confused. On the one hand, I was happy for them, on the other I feared what would follow.
Laura's family was very conservative and she often complained about the things they said in the house when they thought no one was hearing them. They would never have accepted a queer daughter.
I didn't want Laura to break Elena's heart. Our group would suffer forever and I was not ready to find myself in the middle of a war.
I told myself I was just paranoid. Nothing had happened yet and perhaps that kiss would have led to nothing.
I looked away, trying to find a spot where I could hide while my mind raced. I spotted Professor Pascal. He was talking to a friend of his, both sitting at their table, which had been moved towards the wall.
I staggered towards him. His friend raised her head to me first. "Please, Professor, tell me if I'm dreaming."
Professor Pascal looked at me confused. I pointed to my friends behind me and he smiled. "Finally, right?"
"Finally? Was I really that blind?" I put my hands on my hips and turned my head toward my friends. They had stopped kissing. Their smiling faces were still close to each other and I felt a smile form on my lips as well.
"Didn't you ever realize that?"
"Yes. No. I don't know, I'm confused."
Professor Pascal laughed and I rolled my eyes.
"Can I sit down?" I asked, also looking at the woman sitting across the table.
They both told me to sit down. "Would you like some water?" Professor Pascal handed me the bottle that was on the portion of the table in front of him.
"No thanks," I replied. "I just need to calm down for a moment. Pretend I'm not here."
"I don't think it's possible, darling," commented Professor Pascal's friend, who immediately received a glare from my professor.
"How much did you drink, Orlandi?" he asked, returning his attention to me.
"A little, but not too much." I felt elated and a little out of sorts but was still able to walk on my own feet and have a normal conversation.
"It's late," he insisted. "Perhaps you'd better go home."
I looked at the time on the phone. It was almost midnight. Though I still felt I could be able to dance and stay awake for more hours, I wouldn't mind throwing myself into bed. "He's right, maybe I should write to my father to tell him to come and get me."
Laura and Elena were holding hands, their heads bobbing in search of someone or something.
"Don't bother him," Professor Pascal said. "I can walk you home."
My gaze snapped to him. "There is no need..."
"It's not a problem for me."
"Did you come with your car?"
"No, I walked."
"Alright then." I stood up, pressing against the table. "Just give me time to warn my friends."
Professor Pascal studied my face with a surprised expression as if he hadn't expected me to say yes. Or maybe he had just realized that he had offered to walk me home. But maybe I was wrong and I was reading what I wanted in his face.
That man was really hard to understand.
He nodded. "I'll wait for you outside."
I analyzed him one last time. His face was relaxed again, almost satisfied. A smile was just curling the side of his lips. He seemed to give me the same attentive and curious look that I was giving him.
Then, I turned and joined Laura and Elena.