"The hell is Salmon Oscar?" Stone was heading out into the hospital parking lot with his cell tucked between his chin and ear as he unlocked his truck. "Sorry, didn't mean to say Hell. What if we had that healthy pizza thing again?... Yeah, flatbread. I kind of liked that. ... Fine. Just text me what to pick up."
As he hung up the phone, he heard an all too familiar scoff and turned around to face Stacey leaning against a red car, having a smoke. "Are you telling me someone has Sutton Hart eating healthy?"
Stone cringed at his given name as he turned and met Stacey's gaze; her eyes were puffy and tired, and it was impossible to feel anything but empathy for her.
"Loni and her heart and all... Ava thinks I should balance better," Stone explained hastily.
"If you found someone you'll listen to, you better hold on," Stacey advised.
"It's not like that," Stone was gripping the handle of his truck uncomfortably, desperately wanting to escape the conversation.
"You just apologized for swearing," Stacey gave him a pointed look.
"I ain't talking about this with you, of all people."
"I deserve that."
"What's done is done."
"I wasn't in a good place then. My head wasn't right. It's not an excuse but a reason, I guess."
"I'm not the one you need to talk to about that."
"You would be one of the two people I should talk to about that," she countered.
"I'm not mad at you now, Stacey," Stone shrugged. "You were a kid, and so was I. Kit and I got by, and we got a tight bond. I don't care about me. Make things right with her."
"I'd like to," Stacey's voice dropped. "But is it possible?"
"Yeah, our girls got a big heart."
🌹🌹🌹
The long day of waiting was making Kit antsy, so she left the cafeteria and headed toward the parking lot for some air. Just as she pushed the big doors open and walked out, Stacey, smelling heavily of cigarette smoke, was about to walk in.
The older woman took a step back almost as if on instinct, and it took everything in Kit not to turn and run around inside. Instead, she stood still, facing the woman she'd cried so many tears over as a child, and harbored so much anger for as a teen, until finally, as an adult, she reached indifference.
How could she tear open old wounds now? But as she stood there and her eyes met the reddened and broken ones of her mother's, the better question was, how could she not?
"You're here already?" Kit questioned. "Is she?"
"Not yet," Stacey spoke quietly. "They're preparing her for transfer; moving a comatose patient is slow."
"Yeah, I can imagine it is."
There was an awkward moment as they fell silent, Kit ran a hand through her hair as Stacey shifted to her feet.
"I just saw your dad," Stacey broke the silence. "He looks good."
"For how much weed he smokes and beer he drinks, he's surprisingly spry," Kit agreed with a short chuckle.
"Well, his new girlfriend has him eating healthy that's a shocking start for him."
"Wait, what?" Kit's eyes shot wide open. "Girlfriend?"
"I heard him talking to an Ava about salmon and flatbread."
"Oh, Ava's not his girlfriend," Kit smiled as realization set in. "That's Loni's boyfriend's mom. They're staying with him for a while."
"You sure?" Stacey asked. "He apologized for cursing and got all funny when I asked him about it."
"I mean... she does seem good for him," Kit mumbled thoughtfully. Was Stone finally ready to settle down all these years later?
"Seems you were, too," Stacey commented. "He said you two had a tight bond."
"Yeah, we did," Kit looked down at her feet as she gulped. ".... Should we talk?"
"I'd like to," Stacey agreed quickly.
A group of doctors came bursting out the doors in a hurry whizzing past the two women as they darted off through the parking lot.
"Should we go inside?" Kit suggested, and Stacey nodded silently, letting Kit lead the way. She ducked down a corridor on the first floor, and Stacey followed.
"This was supposed to be a research wing," Kit explained as they walked down a short hall to an open lounge area with a few vending machines, leather couches, and chairs. It was more causally set up than the patient lounges. Surrounding the break area were several closed doors to various unused labs.
"It's not now?" Stacey asked as the women sat down.
"I guess they don't have the funding anymore," Kit explained. "That's what Gus was saying."
"That's a shame," Stacey commented.
"Yeah," Kit agreed. "I'm relieved they have a good cardiology department, though."
"This whole thing...must be such a nightmare for you."
"A waking nightmare." Kit nodded. "You know something about that."
"Six years," Stacey sighed wistfully, her soft brown eyes swimming with pain and longing.
"I don't know how to express my gratitude," Kit said as she gulped back her emotions. "There aren't even words, honestly. I just... thank you."
"I'm not the one to thank," Stacey confessed. "I didn't intend ever to let her go, but..."
"But...?"
"You can have me committed after this if you want, but here goes," Stacey breathed. "Sometimes, she speaks to me in her own way. I... sit with her and look at the flowers on the walls she painted every year. It brings me back there, and I'll remember being there with her, and I'll let myself dream so vividly about it and for that moment, I have her back."
Kit felt that lump in her throat grow bigger as she listened quietly, clasping her hands in her lap.
"But there are times, more so lately, when she will say something, she didn't say then. I think that's her way of getting messages to me now." Stacey continued. "Right before you entered her room, she had just told me it was time to let her go. Later when I heard you say your daughter dreamed about London's flower field, I knew. This is what London wants."
"I believe that," Kit whispered as her eyes started to burn with tears. "I knew that dream meant something. I know my sister is with Loni in her way too."
"She said she didn't need me anymore, but they do, meaning you and Gus, I think," Stacey let out a short humorous laugh. "No one needs me, or ever did, London included."
"That's not true," Kit cut her off. "I did need you."
"Cricket—"
"It's Kit," she snapped and then breathed to calm herself. "You said we can talk; I need to say this."
"Please, go ahead."
"When I was a little and all my friends had mamas, and I didn't, I needed you. I needed you When I laid in bed at night trying to remember what you looked like. When I went to my first day of school with lopsided pigtails and got picked on, I needed you."
Stacey let out a sob, but Kit took a breath and continued.
"That wasn't even the worst of that day. I spent the entire day being called a bug. Role call, the moment the teacher called out Cricket Hart, every kid in that room laughed. I got home in tears and told Dad. You know what he said?"
"What?" Stacey whispered.
"He said, toughen up, girl, let them laugh and show them you don't care. You decide who you're going to be, not a bunch of little brats." Kit smiled through teary eyes at the old advice. "That was the day I realized; I was okay. Did I still need a mom, yeah. But Stone and I had it. I decided I was Kit from then on out, and if anyone called me Cricket, I'd laugh before they could, and say, don't call me a bug's name."
".... But the thing is even still I didn't stop needing you. As I got older, the school was always doing stuff, like mother/daughter baking sales, or mom's volunteering for field trips, tea parties... I had to work hard to pretend I didn't care, but I did. I wanted to sign up for girl scouts so bad, but I knew it would be a constant reminder. I was angry with you during those years, Stacey. Really angry."
"You had every right to be," she whispered.
"As a young adult my focus shifted," Kit continued. "Luca's family took precedence, and then our life began, but I still needed you. On my wedding day, on the days I gave birth to my babies. And now- when one of them is bravely finding her way and the other is so sick and damn it I STILL need you."
With that Kit burst into tears and suddenly Stacey wrapped her arms around her and began to sob as well, they sat like that, for who knows how long simply sobbing. Kit didn't embrace Stacey back, but feeling her mother's arms around her after all these years did bring her an unexpected warmth.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she whispered the words fiercely. "I am here now, and I know it's too late but I am."
Kit pulled away wiping at her tear cheeks with her sleeve. "Was it true? The stuff about the drinking and the knife?"
"It was all true," Stacey said solemnly. "That and more. I was a wreck, Cri- Kit. I should have told Stone what was happening but I hid it well. Gus thinks it may have been postpartum depression; I believe he may be right looking back now."
"But you didn't have that with Gus or London?" Kit asked.
"To be honest, with Gus there was a touch of what I felt with you, but it only lasted a few weeks and was never to the extreme I had with you. It was like a disconnect with you, like – I loved you so much, but I didn't feel like I could connect with you or that I was good enough for you. I felt like you hated me."
Kit frowned as she quietly listened; Luca was right. Being older., and less angry made it easier to hear Stacey out.
"That coupled with us being in this tiny house in this town where I didn't know anyone. I felt so suffocated," Stacey added.
"But Dad said you were the one that wanted to move away."
"I was; I needed to get away from my parents," Stacey's eyes dimmed. "I didn't realize how closed in I would feel until I did, but I left because I had to. If I stayed there my neglect would have hurt you."
"I believe you," Kit whispered. "I forgive you for leaving because, as a mom, I understand protecting our babies even if we have to protect them from ourselves."
"Thank you... But, you don't have to do that; I don't deserve forgiveness."
"Wait," Kit stopped her. "I forgive you for leaving. But not for staying gone. I want l try and find a way though, so I can... Why? Why didn't you come back?"
"There is no good answer for that," Stacey sighed. "For a while I was in a dark place and drinking heavily. I got arrested and ended up in rehab. I did want to see you when I got out, but I was so scared. What if it was the same? What if that feeling of you hating me came back? What if it sent me right back down into that horrible place again? So, I didn't go and didn't go. I spent all day thinking about it and not doing it."
She paused for a moment, and Kit remained quiet.
"Finally, I had to move forward. I couldn't stay with my parents for another day. I got an office job and an apartment to maintain, and it started to fill my days."
"They never asked about me or wanted to see me?" Kit asked, and Stacey's eyes filled with deep-rooted pain.
"My mother did, but she didn't dare voice it," Stacey said softly. "My father was not a good man; he was livid I got pregnant out of wedlock and refused to allow us to speak of you. I tried to get her to leave with me both times I left. She wouldn't."
Kit reached over and took her hand, squeezing it. "Is she gone now?"
"Yeah," Stacey whispered. "For some time now. As is he."
"I'm sorry you lost her," Kit said gently. "And I'm sorry for whatever your father put you through. If you ever want to talk about that I would listen."
"Thank you for that," Stacey gulped. "I have shut that box though."
"Okay," Kit squeezed her hand.
They took a silent moment, a peaceful calm washing over them despite the intense conversation.
"I was out to lunch one day when I met Jonathan. We bonded fast, and the next thing I knew we were dating, then engaged, and then married, and I just- never told him, and soon it just became this huge secret, I could never tell. This big shameful thing. Not you. Never you; I was ashamed of what I did." Stacey stopped to blow her nose and then took a breath to continue. "I never stopped thinking about you. London looked so much like you; it made me cry at times. I thought about you daily and never forgave myself for what I did. I don't expect you to either; I mean it, I don't deserve it."
"The thing about forgiving someone is it's not just for that person; it's your yourself too," Kit said. "Holding ill feelings for people, isn't good for the soul, and I want to forgive you. It might take some time, but I want to."
She found she truly meant it, not just because of what Stacey was doing for Loni but for herself.
"I don't know what to say; your forgiveness isn't something I ever even considered possible," Stacey said softly. "It means everything."
"Knowing all these things I didn't know before is helping me understand where you were coming from."
"I'm glad for that; I am."
"You said with Gus you felt a touch of what you did with me, but not with London?" Kit quizzed.
"I- yeah," Stacey looked sheepish. "I, like I said with Gus, there was a bit of disconnect, not like with you, but I was wishing for more of this magical connection I hear about, and it wasn't like that."
"You can't judge yourself based on what others experience," Kit offered.
"Hard not to compare," Stacey countered.
"Yeah, it is," Kit agreed.
"A part of me sometimes holds people at bay and closes off. Issues that stem from childhood, and I assumed it was from that. But then London was born."
Her eyes became misty again as she brought up her youngest.
"It was instant. I took one look at her, and her little unfocused eyes somehow looked right at me, and I thought, there she is, my very best friend. It was immediate the bond, the love; she took over my whole soul instantly. Her eyes were always full of adoration and love for me, pure, innocent love for her mama, and it just- It was incredible."
She took a long moment and then spoke again. "But I felt so guilty that I didn't have that with you or Gus. He knew I had a deeper bond with her, and it bugged him, yet I didn't try harder with him. There was this part of me that always knew, this deep fear, that I would lose her too soon, and maybe it was karma; I don't know, but I just knew."
"Mother's intuition," Kit offered.
"I guess so."
"I didn't have that for Loni," Kit's voice broke. "They said she'd been probably sick a month and I didn't know."
"Do not blame yourself; moms aren't super women, I know we're supposed to be, but we're not. We're just people, and we make mistakes, sometimes terrible ones."
Kit took a shaky breath as she nodded in agreement.
"If I could go back- "
"We can't go back," Kit cut her off. "It's pointless to sit here going over what-ifs. Especially now that we know how short life is. Let's move forward, me, you, and Gus. We'll get through it. Okay? Let's start now it's not too late."
"I'd be nothing but a burden to you and Gus; you don't need me."
"Knock it off; I just told you I need you," Kit scolded, albeit in a more playful tone. "And trust me when I say Gus needs lots of help. He's considering giving up on relationships."
"What?" Stacey balked. "He's twenty-six!"
"I know," Kit offered a half smile. "See. He needs us."
"I don't know what I'll be like; it's going to break what's already broken even more and..." Stacey trailed off.
"I know." Kit took her hand and held it tightly. "We will be there for you. For each other, we're all going to need each other."
"Yeah," Stacey offered a sad smile. "We are."