**
Sunday, 15th December, 1996
I was sitting on one of the windowsills near the Courtyard watching as the large specks of snow hit the ground, waiting for Hannah. It was so beautiful, but perhaps that's because it reminded me of Draco.
When you first caught a glimpse of the snow, you are captivated by its beauty and something about it draws you in. The way it seemed to glitter on the surface, and how once it started to get thicker and more intense, you were even more entranced by it. Then you were hit with the harsh reality of it... snow took over once it settled, it was dangerous once it started to ice over, it hurt you, it even scared you, it knocked you down and kept you there.
I could barely feel my face, and I was certain my nose had a red glow to it. Hagrid was dragging in one of massive eight-foot balsam fir trees into the castle for Professor Flitwick to decorate in the Great Hall.
Like every mid-December, there was an exciting and cheerful buzz in the air, everywhere except the air around me, of course. I was still miserable, and my heart still hurt, yearning for the one person I knew it shouldn't. Surrounding me was the same black fog that hadn't left since that day in Professor Lupin's class.
Although, there was a tiny bit of sun trying to break through now and lift it a little. Being friends with Hannah and everyone else again definitely made the days easier, but it was still the evenings and nights were I felt most lonely. I would sometimes go to walk to the Astronomy Tower or one of our other meeting spots, out of habit more than anything.
I would lay in my bed in the darkness, and I missed the feeling of his arms being wrapped around me. My lips missed his being pressed against them. My stomach missed the warmth of his presence. My heart missed him the most, still aching at the loss of his constant existence in my life.
I hadn't said a word to him since that day we walked to Charms together, and every time we were near one another, a part of me still hoped, still longed for him to strike up a conversation with me again. I didn't care what it was about, I found anything he said fascinating.
But then I still had the argument surrounding Draco between my head and heart going on, and they were relentless at times.
My head would say we should stay away from him at all costs.
My heart would say no, we need him still.
My head would say you're so stupid, he destroyed everything you two had, and everything you were.
My heart would say but he's sorry.
My head would say you know he'd only go and break you again in a moment's notice.
My heart would say why are you being so stubborn? He's in love with us, for goodness sake.
Most of the time I listened to my head, remembering how distraught I was, and how much I lost because of him. There were still those times, however, where my heart would persuade me just slightly to go back to him.
I was taken out of my thoughts when I felt someone sitting down next to me suddenly. I glanced down, saw the black cotton tights, and heeled back boots, her leg crossed over the over, the hem of a black pleated skirt and a camel coat draped over the skirt. Her perfectly manicured, raspberry-painted fingernails rested on her knees. The bergamot and jasmine from her expensive smelling perfume hitting my nostrils pleasantly.
"You're so stupid, Parsons," Pansy Parkinson breathed out, her voice very indifferent,
"Um... hello to you too, Pansy," I let out a confused chuckle, "Why am I stupid?"
"For still not speaking to Malfoy, and not giving him the time of day. All he keeps whittling on about is you, it's so tedious," Pansy said, rolling her eyes slightly,
"What do you mean, whittling on about me?" I asked, ignoring the way my heart picked up,
"He's always asking me about you, if I think you look alright, if you've been speaking to anyone, if you seem like you're missing him. Like I'm supposed to know," Pansy exhaled a breath of air out of his nose,
"Draco really talks about me?" I tried to hide my gasp,
"Yes, Parsons," Pansy sighed, her tone slightly bored, "So, why haven't you spoken to him?"
"I- I don't know, I can't-"
"Don't tell me you're still upset about what happened?" Pansy interjected, her tone sharper than I would have liked,
"Of course, I am. Wouldn't you be?" I knitted my eyebrows slightly, a little offended at the way she came out with it so bluntly,
"This isn't about me, Parsons. He embarrassed you in front of everyone, then in turn, embarrassed himself. To me, that makes you both even," Pansy shrugged her shoulders, her face looking unimpressed, but her tone had a small bite to it,
"It's not about getting even, Pansy-"
"Probably not for you, but do you have any idea what that would have took for him to get up in front of everyone like that and admit what he did?" Pansy interrupted me, her voice cutting through the air like a knife, "That is such an un-Slytherin thing of him, to put himself out there, and show any sign of vulnerability,"
"Pansy, he was drunk, what am I supposed to do? Just fall back into his arms and pretend like none of this ever happened? Believe me, I wish it were that simple," I said, swallowing the lump that had now formed in my throat,
"And he was under Veritaserum, what's your point?" Pansy arched an eyebrow at me,
"My point is... he shouldn't need to drink alcohol or ingest a potion to say those words to me. He could have just told me when I first said them to him," I shook my head, my stomach twisting in a strange way,
"Oh, wow. Malfoy was right, you really are naïve, aren't you, Parsons?!" Pansy laughed to herself, "You don't have any idea, growing up in the sort of environment we did, do you?"
When did Draco call me naïve to Pansy? Was it in a nasty and patronising way, or was he being nice and compassionate when he said it? The thought of him talking about me like that made my stomach lurch.
"I guess not," I shrugged my shoulders slightly, pushing the thump in my chest down as much as I could,
"I bet you and your parents say I love you to each all the time, like it's the most natural thing in world, don't you? Like you don't even need to second guess it?" Pansy asked in a way like she already knew the answer.
I nodded in response.
"I have never been told I love you by my parents, and I would put money on Malfoy's parents never saying it to him either. The idea of someone loving him, really loving him, probably scares the shit out of Malfoy. You and I both know that's not something he's going to admit," Pansy glanced down at me, her eyes boring into mine,
"Oh, Pansy, I am so sorry-"
"This isn't about me, Parsons, I don't care," Pansy cut me off and put her hands up, "Look, what I wanted to say was I liked Malfoy once upon a time, and I would have done anything to be in your shoes. You don't realise how lucky you are, earning the love of Draco Malfoy,"
"I do know I'm lucky, Pansy, I really do. I'm sorry if this sounds really nasty, but why are you here? Why do you care about whether or not I talk to Draco?" I asked her, trying to sound as polite as I could,
"If you repeat this to anyone, I won't hesitate to hex you, but I feel a little sorry for you both and I don't like with how unhappy you are without each other," Pansy said in an uncharacteristic tone, without a single shred of sarcasm or deceit, "Plus, if Malfoy would stop whinging at me, that would be a bonus," she added with a softer, crueller snicker,
"I'll think about it- talking to Draco, I mean," I said simply, giving her a small smile,
"Anyway, there's something I've been meaning to ask you," Pansy said sharply,
"Of course, what did you want to know?" I cocked my head, intrigued at what Pansy wanted to ask,
"Did you really know the whole time you were together that Malfoy and I never slept together?" Pansy asked with the tiniest bit of uncertainty in her voice,
"Yes, I did," I nodded, not knowing what else to say,
"And you never said anything? To anyone?" Pansy asked incredulously,
"Of course, I didn't," I said, hoping she believed me, "It wasn't any of my business,"
"You're not so bad for a Half-blood Hufflepuff, I suppose," Pansy snickered.
There was a beat of silence between us, and it suddenly turned very awkward. I looked up to her, feeling intimidated for some reason. Probably because of the coldness in her expression or how effortlessly beautiful she was.
In the corner of my eye, I saw Hannah standing with her back to the wall, waiting for my conversation with Pansy to end. Her arms were crossed, and she was scanning the hallways.
"Anyway, I best get going, this is getting far too soppy and vomit-inducing for my liking," Pansy sneered in a way I was far more accustomed to, "See you around, Parsons,"
**
After speaking to Pansy, I was feeling more conflicted and confused than ever before. I knew things between Draco, and I were never simple, but when did it all get this complicated?
I was sitting in the common room with Hannah, trying my best to engage in our conversation and really make an effort in getting our friendship back to where it was before. But all I could focus on was Draco and everything Pansy and I spoke about.
My leg was bouncing up and down, the itch to go and seek him out was getting harder to ignore. Something had slid around my heart and starting squeezing, it was like my body was trying to tell me that the only thing that would loosen it was being with Draco once again.
I wanted to kiss him again and heal my wounded heart, but I also couldn't forget the harsh sting of betrayal and the breaking of that trust I had for him. Do I listen to my heart or my head? My heart or my head? Give in to what I want, or listen to rationality?
"Are you okay, Maddie?" Hannah waved her hand in front of my face, "You're clearly somewhere else, and you look like you're about to cry,"
I hadn't even realised my eyes had welled up with tears until Hannah pointed it out. I blinked my eyes quickly and took a shaky breath in.
"I'm really glad we're friends again, Hannah, and we've hashed things out, I really am-"
"I know, babe. I am too," Hannah nodded, sounding a little concerned,
"I don't want to lie to you again. I can't be here... I need to go and speak to Draco," I said shakily, my heart racing.
Hannah didn't speak for a moment and had a pensive look on her face as she sat there. I was so afraid of what was about to happen next... had I just ruined things between us again? She was just glaring at me.
She threw her arms around me, which completely took me by surprise. I returned the hug after a moment's shock.
"I understand, go get your man back," Hannah said eventually, with a soft giggle, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear,
"You're not mad?" I breathed out,
"No, how could I be?" Hannah shook her head, "Stay there a moment!"
Hannah ran towards our dorm room and the knot in the pit of my stomach was getting tighter, but it somehow didn't feel as bad. The familiar warmth of love spread through me, and pool in my chest. My heart was racing, and it was as though it was bragging to my head, saying, "Ha ha! I won."
**
After fetching a mascara and dusky-pink lipstick to apply on me, to in her words, "make Malfoy fall at my feet," I took a deep breath and started to look in all the places I thought he could be.
I ran to the Slytherin common room, the Quidditch fields, the Astronomy Tower, the library, and the Prefects common room. I couldn't even find anyone I knew to ask.
If I weren't as high on adrenaline, I would have started to panic. I was just about to make my way round the castle once again when I spotted a head of white-blonde hair making his way out of the Courtyard.
The snow had stopped falling and there was a thick, white blanket on the ground, it radiated against the sky and made everything seem a little brighter. My heart fluttered as I recognised Goyle, so I could only assume he was with Draco.
There was a couple of younger students, taking part in a Courtyard duel, a Slytherin and Ravenclaw. By the looks on their faces, it just was a friendly match between the two boys.
"Draco!" I called out, sounding a lot more confident than I had done in quite a while.
He turned round his face lit up, and he uncrossed his arms from over his chest. My heart was pounding faster than ever before.
"Draco, I need to talk to you!" I shouted, "I want to tell you something!"
I started to run out into the Courtyard, towards him, making sure to tread carefully on the freshly laid snow. I had the biggest smile on my face, and that made him smile back at me.
I glanced round to the boys duelling, when I saw a red light cast out of one of their wands. I tried to keep looking at Draco, but I felt compelled to look over at the two boys and the sparks emitting from their wands.
It was all so overwhelming... it happened so fast.
One minute I was hastily making my way to Draco, ready to tell him I wanted to give things another go with him.
Then the red light got closer and brighter. My eyes were glued to it. Even Draco's muffled scream wasn't enough to tear my eyes away from it. Everything inside me felt heavy and fuzzy. Time slowed down and everything was moving at less-than-half-speed.
That was when everything went dark...