Sam's pov
I quickly shoved my phone into my pocket as soon as I heard Ellie's knocks on my apartment's door, which probably made me look more suspicious than I wanted to.
"Hi!" she said as she appeared in front of me. "Oh, uhm, sorry if I interrupted something" she added, noticing I was still clutching at my phone even if it was in my pocket.
"No, all good" I reassured her, letting her in. "How are you?"
"Very good actually" she smiled, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. "I just got off the phone with Vic. I'm going to see her for a weekend next month!"
"That's great! I'm happy for you baby" I said, giving her a quick kiss. "I was about to make myself some tea, you want some?"
"I'm good, thanks" she kissed me back, moving to my couch.
It felt really good to be back in such a stable and healthy point of our relationship, and to spend our time together so much again. I somehow felt like the feelings between us were stronger than ever, on my end at least.
The more time I spent with her the more I realized how in love with her I was, and how amazing she was. And it felt great.
It really all felt great. Apart from a not too small detail.
I used a moment in which Ellie had gone to the bathroom to switch my phone back on, to see that it was still open on the texts I immediately hid earlier.
Maya: you sure about not wanting the stuff i told you about back?
Maya: just wondering
you: Yeah, you can keep everything
We'd shared a few texts after our talk. Just short and meaningless, like about stuff she'd found at our place after we'd broken up and I never got back that one time I had to go back to her place to collect things I'd forgotten.
And she'd always be the one to reach out, I would have never dreamed of doing that. But I couldn't help but wonder if I was doing something wrong by still not having told Ellie about it all.
I really wanted to, but I just couldn't get myself to start the conversation. And it'd only been a few days since it happened, it wasn't as if I'd been keeping a secret for ages.
Seeing her in such a good mood that evening once again prevented me from even thinking of telling her about it. And I also was too happy to spend time with her to ruin it all. Even if I knew that the more I waited the more damage I was creating.
I once again exploited the role of my sister as the only person to whom I could talk about these things, and called her in a moment I knew Ellie wouldn't come over because she was at work.
"You don't want to start lying to her now, do you?" she plainly said when I was done explaining. "Look, I honestly can't believe you're still allowing that ex of yours to create so many problems in your life. But I thought you'd understood how lying can only negatively affect a relationship by now. You shouldn't even need someone to tell you this, you're literally thirty years old and probably able to realize when you're doing something stupid"
"I know! I know" I replied. "I just can't get myself to, I'm scared of upsetting her. I feel bad if I just think of telling her I went to Maya's house and talked to her. Even it ended up being useful for the both of us"
"You'll upset her for sure if you wait any longer, Sam. If you cautiously explain that it ended up being a useful experience, then you'll create the least amount of damage possible. But if you keep postponing it she'll end up worrying about why you felt the need to hide it from her"
"Yeah, you're right. I need to stop being such a coward" I sighed.
"It's not about that, I know you're scared to hurt her and stuff. And it's valid. But trust me when I tell you that the more you wait, the more she'll get hurt. I imagine it won't be an easy conversation but it has to be done" she said, rightly.
"True" I said, checking the time. "Okay, she'll be here in like two hours. I have two hours to get over myself and prepare to talk to her"
"That's more than enough. I'm sure you can do it, I believe in you" she reassured me.
"Thank you" I chuckled. "Sorry if I disturbed you, also. I just don't have many other people I can talk to when these things happen, you know"
"Of course you didn't disturb. I'm always happy to hear from you. Let me know how it goes, yeah?"
"Sure will" I replied, feeling relieved. "I'll text you later"
"Great. Bye then, miss you" she said.
"Bye, miss you too" I smiled to myself as the call ended.
She was right, I was only harming the both of us if I kept waiting. And I needed to stop needing people to tell me I was doing something dumb instead of just realizing it myself.
So I spent the next two hours rehearsing what I was going to tell her in my head, trying not to feel too overwhelmed or anxious.
Unfortunately, I knew Ellie sensed there was something going on with me in the past few days, since she'd been asking if I was alright more than usual. But she never was the type to pressure me into telling her stuff, so I just brushed it off.
"Everything okay?" was the first thing she asked after greeting me with a kiss as she entered my flat.
"Yeah, all good" I instinctively said.
"You sure?"
"Yeah. I mean...kind of" I admitted.
"What do you mean? What's wrong babe?" she furrowed her brows, following me to the couch. There was no way I was going to tell her everything while standing up because of how dizzy I already was.
"Nothing's wrong" I emphasized the last word. "It's just that, uhm, I've been wanting to tell you something"
"Yeah, you've been acting weird. I figured" she sat in my lap.
"I figured you'd figured" I chuckled.
"But what happened? Did I do something wro-"
"No, it's not about you baby" I intervened. "Not entirely, at least"
"What do you mean? You're worrying me now" she furrowed her brows.
"Well...basically, I...me and- fuck, hold on" I stumbled on my words, to my own surprise since I was usually good with speaking.
"I'm not in a hurry, take your time" my girlfriend said with a concerned face.
"Sorry about that" I breathed in. "Me and Maya talked to each other. Recently. A few days ago" I blurted out, instinctively closing my eyes for some reason.
I opened them back after not hearing any kind of response to see an indecipherable expression on Ellie's face, something between confused and disappointed.
"It's not like that! Nothing...we didn't...I mean. It's not what you might think it is" I added, starting to panic about it all.
"Okay..." she just said after a long pause. "I'm gonna need a bit more context here"
"We, uhm- she texted me. She texted me asking if we could talk. And I didn't reply for like a whole day because I obviously did not want to see her"
"When was this?" she cut me off, moving next to me instead of on my lap.
"Uhm, five days ago I think" I felt my voice shaking as I spoke.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I...I got scared and I was confused and I didn't want you to get worried, I guess. I don't even really know. I know it was stupid of me" I sighed.
"And what did you say? Once you replied" she went on.
"I told her I didn't wanna see her. But she basically threatened to tell you other not nice stuff about me. Not that there's anything I'm hiding from you, but I had no idea what she meant by that. And I got scared, like really scared. So I agreed, 'cause I really just wanted to protect you. I know it sounds completely ridiculous, but-"
"It doesn't, I can see Maya doing something like that" she said. "I believe you. But I wanna know everything that happened, I think I have the right to"
"Of course" I cleared my throat, trying to stop my hands from shaking so much as I picked at my manicured nails. "I agreed and we met the day after-"
"So you didn't actually have a work meeting?"
"Uh, no" I looked down, feeling ashamed. "I'm sorry, I really am"
"Go on" she just said. I don't think I'd ever seen her looking so serious. "Why did she want to talk?"
"She basically wanted proper closure from our breakup, since, uhm, we ended things quite abruptly, I guess. And she felt like we'd be scarred by everything we got wrong in those last months forever if we didn't talk about it once for all"
"Do you agree with that?" she asked, looking as if she was carefully analyzing something.
"I didn't at first. I was fucking pissed to even be there. Which I know is ridiculous because I wasn't forced to go to her. But anyway, as we had our conversation I realized that maybe she was right. Most of the bad moments I've had with you were caused by me being scared of being confronted with my past. And she admitted she'd been behaving like an asshole because she was projecting her anger on you"
"Right" she mumbled. "How long did you talk?"
"Less than an hour for sure. Forty minutes maybe. But I swear that's all that happened" I needed to seem as convincing as I could.
"I believe you" she said plainly. "Did it make you feel better? Talking to her?"
"Kind of. I mean, yeah. I didn't realize I'd been having a weight on my chest about it until that moment. And I felt weirdly relieved after"
"That's good, then" she went on, without batting an eye. "She's been acting strangely nice to me recently, I guess that's why"
"Yeah, probably. I get it if you're mad at-"
"I'm not mad" she once again cut me off. "I just wish you'd told me before"
"I know, I'm stupid. I shouldn't lie to you like that, it's not fair" I cautiously took her hands in mine, my eyes feeling watery. "I'm sorry"
"If all of this means no more problems because of the Maya situation, on both ends, then I'm glad. Whatever it is that you talked about. I'm not sure I want to know. But you really need to tell me when things like these happen. You can't start hiding stuff from me, I'm sure you know it wouldn't end well" she searched for the eye contact I'd been avoiding.
"I'm aware" I said as I squeezed her hands a little harder. "I'm sorry. I won't. I just didn't wanna upset you but I know it's dumb. I feel really stupid"
"Hey" she placed a hand on my cheek and looked at me, causing the tears I'd been holding to run down. "You're not stupid. I know you were feeling scared. But you need to promise you'll tell me if something similar happens in the future, okay? And maybe we can both stop allowing Maya to cause any other problems in our relationship from now on"
"Yeah" I sobbed. "I'm sorry" I couldn't help but repeat those words because of the extreme guilt I was suddenly feeling.
"No need" she immediately hugged me. "It's okay. We're okay"
"But I really am sorry" I said as I rested my chin next to her shoulder. "I'm always letting you down and you just continuously have to deal with it. It really doesn't feel right. I don't want you to suffer because of me"
Everything I'd been keeping in was coming out of my mouth without me being able to think about it, and by then a damp spot had formed onto Ellie's shoulder.
"Sam..." she said with worry in her voice, gently rubbing my back and still hugging me. "Everything's okay, really"
"I just feel so guilty. I don't want to hurt you" I sobbed. "And now I'm playing the victim when you're the one who should probably be hurt by what I did"
"Listen to me" she continued, not letting go of me. "I'm not hurt. I might be a bit confused, and I still wish you'd told me before. But I'm not hurt and the thought of you playing the victim didn't even occur in my mind. I don't know why you'd even say you're always letting me down because that's not remotely even true"
"It is kind of true, though" I mumbled, lifting my head to look at her. Her beautiful green eyes looked like tears were about to come out of them.
"It isn't" she held my face in her hands. "I love you. And I swear that no one else has ever made me feel as amazing as you make me feel. It's as if my life makes complete sense when I'm with you and I never ever want to let go of you because I'm completely, desperately in love with you, okay?"
I just nodded in reply, not really knowing what to say. It was strange to be the one who was being comforted and not the other way around, but her words were everything I needed in that moment.
"And yeah, you might have made a few mistakes in the past months, but we were able to figure stuff out each time, weren't we? Those mistakes are nothing compared to all of the good things you brought into my life. I really want you to know that" she wiped my tears with her thumbs.
"I love you" was the only thing I was able to say, hugging her tighter than before.
"I love you too" she kissed the top of my head. "You just need to promise you won't start keeping secrets from me, okay?"
"Yes" I said with a hiccup. "Thank you for not getting mad at-"
"It's alright" she silenced me before I could finish my sentence, kissing my temple.
I really had no idea what just happened, because I wasn't planning on completely breaking down when thinking of what to tell her.
But we ended up spending the next hour just lying together on the couch, not saying a single word. The last thing I remember before I fell asleep was Ellie holding me in her arms while running her hand through my hair, making me feel like that was where I truly belonged.