Sam's pov
I told myself everything was going to be alright one last time before the elevator's door opened. And I once again thought of escaping when I rang the doorbell, but it was probably too late, Maya soon after appearing in front of me.
"Hi" she said, a smug expression already on her face. "Come in"
She looked the same as the last time I'd seen her, except from her hair surprisingly being her natural color, apart from one strand. Her apartment also looked quite similar to our old one, I even recognized some pieces of furniture.
"Hi" I sighed, looking around as I tried to ignore how fast my heart was beating. "Let's make this as quick as we can, yeah?"
"You look exactly the same" she just said, closing the front door behind us.
"And this house is weirdly similar to our old one" I turned towards her, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, I...I didn't want moving out to be as disruptive as it already would have been. It's definitely smaller, though" she mumbled. I could tell she was also nervous, she'd never been good at lying.
"When did you move out? Like, how long after, you know..." I asked. Maybe attempting small talk wasn't a great idea. But I wasn't really able to think lucidly in that moment.
"Oh, uhm, after a month, more or less"
"Nice" I said, realizing we were both kind of eyeing our figures up, mostly to notice any changes. On my end, at least.
"Yeah" she nodded, suddenly avoiding eye contact.
"So" I cleared my throat. "What is it that you desperately wanted to talk about after telling me you never wanted to see me again ten months ago?"
"You told me the same, to be fair"
"Rightly, I may add. But here we are" I shrugged.
"Still haven't lost your attitude, I see" she said. "We should sit, at least. You want anything to drink?" she nodded towards the open kitchen door on the other side of the room, two white chairs placed next to the counter.
"Nope" I sat, crossing my legs and leaning back.
"You probably already drank a bottle of something before coming here" she said under her breath, sitting next to me.
"Actually, no" I said, already annoyed at her. "I'm not...I'm not really doing that anymore. Not that you ever cared"
"I did- Whatever. Let's not get into that. I'm glad you're not, really" she mumbled, still not facing me directly.
"Yeah, if you told me to come here just to repeat our last conversation I'm out. And thanks, I guess" I firmly said.
"No problem" she cleared her throat. "Uhm, anyway. I just, I don't know, I wanted to, uhm- shit. Hold on" she tried to formulate a coherent sentence as I stared at her, amused. Her smug expression soon turned scared.
Feeling like I was on the verge of an anxiety attack wouldn't prevent me from purposefully intimidating her for sure.
"Okay, so. When we broke up, we both probably thought it'd be the last time we'd have to see each other" she started, resting her visibly shaky hands on her lap.
"Without 'probably'" I cut her off.
"Yeah, okay. And I was fine with that. I guess you were too"
"Indeed"
"Right. But I realized it was all so abrupt that-"
"Was it, though?"
"For fuck's sake Sam, let me speak!" she said, looking frustrated.
"Alright" I chuckled. "I just don't seem to understand where you're going with this whole speech"
"It was kind of abrupt. Better? Like, we'd been arguing for months, I know, but we never had a proper breakup talk. You just stormed out of the house. And I don't blame you for it, but still. I thought it was better that way at the time, but suddenly seeing you last month made me feel just like I did when we last saw each other, as if no time had passed"
"Yeah, same. I felt like shit. Fucking cried for hours. And I hate you for it"
"Always nice to be reminded of such things, I guess" she laughed. "But maybe it could have been avoided if we'd both given each other proper closure"
"So I'm here because you want to have a breakup conversation after ten months?" I squinted my eyes, trying to understand if she was actually being serious. "Are you sure you didn't ask me to come here just because you're not over me or something?"
"No! Not at all. I mean, I admit that it probably took me longer to get over you than it took you, and I definitely hadn't reached that point when I saw you at work that day. But nothing of this has to do with that. You know, realistically speaking, now that you're my co-worker's girlfriend we'll most likely have to deal with each other in other occasions''
"More like my girlfriend started working with you more than a month after we got together, but yeah. I think it can be pretty much avoided, especially if you don't go talking about me to her, what do you think?" I suggested, ignoring the first part of what she'd said.
"I thought I wasn't telling her anything she didn't know already" she snickered.
"Wow, ruining my relationship just because you're not over our breakup, so funny" I said as the anxiety I was feeling started to turn into anger.
To my surprise, she had definitely become more bold than I remembered. Me showing the smallest sign of being angry was enough to shut her up in the past.
"I am sure as hell over our breakup. It's not that easy to get over a cheater, you know" she looked me in the eyes for the first time since we started the conversation, knowing she'd pushed the right buttons to catch my full attention.
"And this is why I knew it was better not to come here..." I scoffed. "You know you fucking ruined my business trip to London since we fought because of you the day before I left?"
"Yeah, I imagined something similar had happened. Ellie was weird in those days"
"Of course she was, you almost made us break up!" I said with a louder voice tone. "I know you would have been happy about it, so no point in telling you"
"I couldn't have cared less, really. Look, I'm happy for you, you deserve to have someone who makes you happy and that person wasn't me apparently. I'm okay with it. Ellie is a genuinely really nice person. I just can't really figure out how you managed to move on so easily, a five year relationship is not a small effort to get over"
"It is if we'd been on and off for the previous year. But anyway, please stay away from Ellie, I'm begging you. If you think she's so nice then don't hurt her just to get to me, as a revenge plan or something. Please, Maya. We can talk things out now if you want, but I'm really really happy with her and you ruining that would be the worst fucking thing that coud ever happen to me at the moment" my words almost came out as if I was literally begging her.
"You know what surprises me the most?" she asked. "She's so different from me, as a person. How did you move from two completely different girls so quickly?"
"Maybe seeing what happened between the two of us was a good indicator of the kind of people I should avoid" I chuckled.
"Thanks again"
"You're telling me you'd date someone similar to me after everything?"
"I mean... I don't know. Probably" she looked back down.
"You should change your standards then" I shrugged with a laugh.
"Look, you can't ignore all of the good things that happened during our relationship. I know sarcasm and all of that is like your thing, but you're painting me like some monster who forced you to stay in a relationship with me for years. And you know that's not what happened" she started to sound more serious.
"I did not say that" I replied, confused. "I know good things happened, and I'm grateful for them. Really. But it's inevitable for me to associate the person I became during our last year together with our relationship. I've been trying my best to not be like that anymore, something that I apparently couldn't do if we hadn't broken up, and what happened with you and Ellie made lots of bad memories linked to that resurface"
"So this is all about you, not me. That's what I was trying to say"
"What?" I asked, even more confused and ready to hear her call me selfish or something similar.
"All of this stuff about you wanting to forget me and painting me as a terrible person is mainly about you projecting the old version of you onto me" she plainly suggested.
"But that old version of me hasn't come out of me ever since I got with Ellie. So you're the one who encouraged it in the first place"
"You sure about that Sam?" she asked as the expressions on our face suddenly switched. She started to look as if she was challenging me while I looked more puzzled by the second. "Because it seems to me that what you did to me upsets you more than what I did to you. And you've been so scared to end up doing the same thing with your new girlfriend that seeing me and being reminded of it all made you panic. Which doesn't mean I'm not sorry about and recognize what I did. But just think about it."
"That's...that's not true" I said, my voice shaking. Maybe it was true.
"Why do you look so distraught by what I said if it's not true?"
"I don't know. Fuck, where is this conversation even going? Suppose that you're right, then what?" I blurted.
"Nothing, really. I just thought that talking about all of this would eventually allow the both of us to close this chapter of our lives for good"
"Can't you just let me be fucking happy for once?" I felt my eyes getting watery. I was not going to allow myself to cry in front of her.
"I do want you to be happy. And if you're happy with Ellie, I'm glad you are. It's bittersweet, but I really am glad" she sniffled, her voice suddenly also becoming shaky. "I'm just sorry that I couldn't be the one to give you that kind of happiness. I thought we'd be able to become better people together, at the time. But I've accepted that wasn't possible, for some reason, a long time ago"
"Of course you gave me happiness. And I know I made you happy too. It just didn't last, and that was for the best. As much as you like to hear that or not"
"I know" she wiped a tear from her eye. "But I also know we're both still scarred from everything that happened. All I wanted from this conversation was to put an end to that. I don't want what happened between us to affect us for the rest of our lives"
"That's a bit dramatic, isn't it?" I attempted to joke as I felt a tear running down my own cheek.
"You know what I mean" she chuckled between sobs. "If we're both acknowledging our mistakes, maybe they don't have to be something we're so scared of repeating and we can learn from them. Maybe we can get over all of it once for all"
"I don't know, Maya. It's not all so immediate"
"I'm not saying we should start getting along, I know you hate me and I kind of despise you too. Like, a lot. But it'd be nice to let it all go, wouldn't it? Our breakup could be a peaceful one"
"After ten months?" I couldn't help but laugh.
"I don't think it's too late, you know. Wouldn't it be nice to avoid having to feel as bad as last time if we ever have to see each other again?"
"Again, you're saying it as if it's a switch you can turn off or something" I said, frustrated from it all.
"Is it that difficult to recognize our past mistakes, though? That's all I'm asking. You know it'd also avoid other trouble with your girlfriend"
"I told you not to bring Ellie into this"
"Okay, but you said you were about to break up because of what I told her. The reason I told her all of that was me subconsciously projecting everything that resurfaced after I saw you onto her. Then you probably got mad at her because you were reminded of what you did to me and got scared "
Hearing those words made my heart sink to my feet, leading me to just stare at Maya for a few seconds.
"Uh oh" she said.
"What?"
"I know that look" a hint of a smirk appeared on her face. "You're either really mad or scared and trying to hide it"
"I...I'm not. I was just thinking" I defended myself.
"I literally know you too well for you to pretend. A while might have passed but I still remember how to read your expressions"
"Well, I'm obviously not very happy right now" I said, resigned at the fact that she did in fact know me too well.
"Did I strike a nerve?"
"Stop it" I rested my forehead on the palm of my hand. She wasn't wrong about what she said, and I absolutely hated that.
"Looks like I did" she chuckled.
"You want me to admit you're right or something?" I looked up.
"I admit it'd make happy if you did"
"You're not completely wrong, I guess" I grumbled, not wanting to give her that kind of satisfaction.
"You haven't changed a bit, I see"
"I'd like to think I have, actually"
"The attitude I mean. It's still there, as I said before" the smirk was still on her face.
"Can't do much about that" I shrugged. "Anyway, if recognizing my mistakes is what you want me to do, that's not very difficult for me. What is difficult, though, is keeping them in the past because of you...existing"
"What if I promise to keep everything that happened in the past once for all?" she suggested.
"Sounds nice, but I'm not sure you'd be able to do that"
"Of course I'm able. I've been thinking about it a lot recently and I realized I'm harming the both of us if I don't"
"At least you're aware of it" I chuckled, almost surprised.
"I'll try my best, okay?"
"Mhm" I just mumbled. "Are we done?"
"I'm sorry about treating you-"
"Nope, not gonna do that" I said, knowing where she was going with those words.
"You're not sorry about what you did?"
"Of course I'm fucking sorry for cheating on you three times" I said before thinking about it, surprised at myself.
"And I'm sorry for not wanting to help you through your struggles before it got too bad and saying you were just faking everything for attention. And for lying to you. Multiple times" she sighed.
"Oh, so you admit it now?" I tilted my head, not expecting that from her.
"Fuck you, Sam" she laughed. "I do, okay? I'm sorry"
"Appreciate it" I nodded.
"And I appreciate your apologies. Which doesn't mean I forgive you"
"God no, absolutely" I readily agreed.
"Good, then" she said after a few moments of silence.
"Great" I replied, not knowing what else to say.
"You know what?"
"What?"
"We would have had amazing sex after an argument like this a year ago"
"Maya!" I glared at her in the most annoyed way possible.
"Sorry. Am I wrong, though?" she continued.
"I am not gonna give you an answer to that. Are we officially a broken up couple in good terms now?"
"I guess so"
"Feels weird, doesn't it?" I said as I got up.
"Very weird" she agreed.
"I admit I do feel like a weight has been lifted from my chest, though"
"Yeah, me too" she followed me to the door.
"You really need to promise me not to tell Ellie anything about this" I said, already feeling terrible about it.
"I won't. But don't make lying to her a habit, you know what that leads to"
"I know what I'm doing, thanks. If anyone's gonna tell her it's me, not you"
"Fair enough" she nodded. "Bye, then, I guess?"
"Bye Maya" I said, heading outside. "I absolutely incredibly really hate to say this, but thank you for this talk"
"No problem" she chuckled. "See you".
"Don't know about that, but yeah, bye" were my last words before the door closed behind me.
I only fully realized what had just happened once I walked out of the tall building, finding myself on the same sidewalk I was standing on just an hour before feeling incredibly panicked. Instead, I felt weirdly relieved at it all, and the fact that I was relieved made me feel panicked again.
What the fuck had I just done?
If someone had told me I'd go to my ex's house to talk about our past mistakes just a few days before, I would have laughed in their face.
I kept convincing myself that I'd only gone there in the first place to avoid Maya telling more bullshit to Ellie as revenge, but after talking to her I actually felt like maybe we needed to do that. Which was insane to me, because just the thought of having to see her, let alone talking to her, would usually fill me with rage.
But maybe she was right, if we'd never confronted each other one last time it would have been much more difficult to move on from the state of mind the breakup had left us in.
While I was aware that basically all of the disagreements me and Ellie had in the past months were linked to me and my past, hearing another person saying it aloud really did feel painful. Especially if that person was the one who caused most of the behaviors I was scared of repeating.
I started to walk home as the feeling of panic slowly turned into anger and frustration, both at myself and Maya. Especially Maya. I hated that she was right about what she said, and that she probably was feeling extremely pleased with herself in that exact moment.
a/n: y'all really had no trust in sam with the comments you left on the previous chapter lmao