Trigger warning: mentions of self harm and suicide
Disclaimer the song used is not my own it's called Tattoos and the artist is Citizen Soldier
Iri's POV
As I walk away towards the small stage I take a deep breath trying to calm my racing heart. "I don't think I've ever been this nervous from singing around anyone much less from just being around them." Feeling my chest fill with air as I rest a hand over my heart all my nervousness slows to a halt. As if the distance between us made it easier to think. "What did that kiss do to me?" Shaking my head I climb the stairs onto the stage where a tall bench waits in front of an old microphone.
There's a very loud silence taking over the bar as all eyes fall on me. I take my guitar from it's cage and adjust it on my knee before slowly allowing us the freedom we both have been craving.
A slow melody sings from it before my own voice joins in.
"Used to pull down my sleeves
Used to put makeup on
So everyone would think
I'm fine and nothing's wrong"
I close my eyes feelings the emotions flowing through me. This lyrics having a heavy and meaningful tone I wanted to do them justice. I lift my eyes to the crowd not focusing on anyone but letting my eyes wander slowly from face to face.
"I buried all the pain
Used to feel so ashamed
Of all the things I wrote
About myself with razor blades
But I kept holding on
Until the final page
Survive the story
'Cause the ending changes everything"
My eyes turn to our table where my friends are standing some singing along others just taking it in. My gaze finds the green splattered with gold one in the crowd.
"And now I wear my scars just like tattoos
Because I'm so damn proud of what they put me through
I've learned without a doubt every mark that
Makes you feel worthless, can give you a purpose
And now I wear my scars just like tattoos
'Cause I'm a miracle, every cut is proof
Another chapter written in the story
What couldn't kill me made me something so brave
I wear them like tattoos"
I dropped my eyes to the guitar softly guiding me through. Holding myself together with a shaky exhale I press on.
"I've held my story down
I've swallowed every scream
Thought if I wasn't fake
They'd think that I'm a freak
I buried all the pain
Used to feel so ashamed
Until I learned that you can't change the past
Just choose the frame
So I'll keep writing songs
Until they know my name
'Cause there's a kid out there that's hearing this
That's in that place"
I raise my storming eyes to the crowd. Seeing some people tears rolling as I try to hold mine in. I blink as my feelings threathen to spill over.
"And now I wear my scars just like tattoos
Because I'm so damn proud of what they put me through
I've learned without a doubt every mark that
Makes you feel worthless, can give you a purpose
And now I wear my scars just like tattoos
'Cause I'm a miracle, every cut is proof
Another chapter written in the story
What couldn't kill me made me something so brave
I wear them like tattoos"
Every breathe I took trembled from all emotions flowing with the lyrics in a pain filled plea.
"No more dysmorphia, I will not grieve
The darkest days that made a masterpiece
I choose to celebrate what made me me
'Cause a heart of gold, no it don't come cheap
And this heart of gold's one the world will need"
I find Cobra at our table as he puts his hand over his heart singing as if his life depended on it.
"And now I wear my scars just like tattoos
Because I'm so damn proud of what they put me through
I've learned without a doubt every mark that
Makes you feel worthless, can give you a purpose
And now I wear my scars just like tattoos
'Cause I'm a miracle, every cut is proof
Another chapter written in the story
What couldn't kill me made me something so brave
I wear them like tattoos"
I allow myself to open my eyes not even having realised I closed them and I am met by a cheering emotional crowd. A lot of tears flow through broken mirrors to healing souls.
"Thank you!" I say bowing slighlty at the waist before putting Ellie into her bag. I walk off the stage prompting a teary eyed Dj to climb up the couple of steps. They clear their troath before calling the name of the next person.
As I approach the table we claimed for the night the dirty blonde haired life guard breaks from the group and hugs me. Soon after the whole group is entangled in each other, me in the middle. The others that have joined us for tonight look at us in an heartfelt haze. I see Rob say fuck it before launching himself into the hug pulling his boyfriend along. The others join except for freckles who slowly approaches wiping away a tear. Everyone parts allowing her to enter the inner circle and fall into my arms before closing back in on us.
We stand like that for a couple of minutes. I leave a soft kiss at Sam's temple as we all pull away and click back onto our places at the table. "It's weird how well this group fits with each other. Effortlessly gravitating towards each other while gracefully navigating through the dynamics without the need for any words to be spoken."
The crowd goes around the bar crashing and reforming like waves meeting the beach. Tuned into the stage as if it was the moon steering them along their path.
As the calm of the night starts to weight on people the bar gradually empties. I look around the table noticing some people having fallen asleep, or fighting not to.
"We should call it a night!" The people still awake perk up and nod in agreement taking it upon themselves to see to the others around them. My eyes turn to the starry woman at my side. I am given a sleepy smile. "How are you getting back?"
"I'm driving back!" Sam points her thumb towards the outside of the building as if to make her point. I look at the others too looking at the tired but content faces.
"I think a coffee is in order for the ones driving! Raise of hands please!" A few hands raise up. I count and move to get up. "I'll be right back!"
"I'll help!" The light skinned girl stumbles out of her chair to follow me. Having to rest a hand on my shoulder to regain her balance. An amused sigh escapes me.
"Okay come on but try not to fall this time. Wouldn't want you to ruin your pretty face." Her features all but go up in flames.
"Oh stop it!" She playful pushes me away barely moving me which she makes a face at.
We reach the counter ordering the coffees to take. "Thank you for asking us to join your group! I had fun." I prop my elbow on the dark wood, tilting my head that is resting against my fist towards the side while examining the constellations adorning her face. Sam rewards me with a bright smile. "Her smile is one the cutest things I have seen!"
"I had fun too!" Her eyes flicker down to my lips causing her face to turn red she turns herself away from me to try to hide it. I was about to tease her about it whe the barista interrupted.
"Here you go! Have a good night!" We give our thanks before moving towards our friends with their warm caffeinated drinks. As they see us they step outside each going their own way while waving at us and offering their goodnight wishes.
Only a few seconds later most people are gone leaving me, Sam, the two lovebirds that are Sam's friends and Raph (aka Snake) still standing there.
"Can I get a ride?" The light green eyed boy asks as he looks at my motorcycle. I nod and peak towards Sam that has her friends fussing over her.
"I'll catch up!" I point towards my matte black Harley Davidson softail slim 2013. I approach where the trio is standing. Lewis smirks at me.
"Saying goodbye to our girl?" I raise an eyebrow at him to which he shows his hands in surrender.
"I'm going to take the kid home!" I say looking back at the boy drooling over my bike. I take my hands from my pockets not quite knowing what to do with myself realising how nervous I was over something so casual.
The taller woman walks up to me and takes my hand as she looks in the same direction I did earlier. "Be careful. We'll see each other soon hopefullly!" Her smile could melt the coldest of hearts.
I return her gesture giving her hand a light squeeze. "Stay safe. We'll see each other soon!" I wave at the boys behind her. "Bye lovebirds!" Sam doesn't move for a few seconds just looking at my face as if she was trying to commit every detail of it to memory. Silently letting go of my hand and allowing me to leave. I turn my back and take a second to close my eyes as I took a deep breath to smooth my heart that seemed hell bent in bolting out of my chest.
I reach Snake in a few paces. "You ready?" He questions with a soft expression in his eyes. I nod and climb onto the bike. He follows my lead and I hand him one of the helmets before we ride off into the well lit streets.
The drive is uneventful and I am back at my house in less than an hour.
I go out for a nice long walk with the dogs taking a chance to appreciate the night sky before retiring for the day.
I'm woken up only a couple hours later by a phone call from one of my old comrade's mom. I'm given some awful news that make me lose all the sleepiness that was still clinging on to me. I hold back a gasp of sorrow as I make plans to leave but not without making arrangements with my best friend to keep a watch over my dogs for the time I'm away.
All I take with me is a small bag with a change of clothes and a few of my belongings. Since I had to stay the night in an hotel before the funeral the next morning. "I never thought this was going to be the way we would say goodbye ... With such a heavy sadness and without a word. I don't know how to feel. Or how much weight you were carrying for you to make such a decision. You were my best friend in my days after my injury ... One of the few that always treated me with kindness. I'm grateful for that. It probably was what saved me from the same fate. I'm sorry I couldn't have been there for you." My head spinned as I laid in the bed at the hotel not being able to sleep or to stop myself from drowning in my own thoughts.
I only snapped out of it when my alarm pierced through the fog letting me know it was time to get ready. I put on a formal all black suit with a white shirt and a light blue tie. It was his favourite colour.
I made my way to the site where the family and close friends would meet to take the walk with the hearse back to the cemetery. The weather seemed to match my mood completely dark and sad but refusing to shed any tears for fear of hte flood that would follow.
I was in autopilot too busy wrestling my own thoughts and feelings to be able to process everything.
A few hours later there was flowers blooming around his tombstone contradicting the feelings inside me but so fully representing his impact on other people's lives.
"Goodbye friend I hope you find peace!"
I leave not even stopping on the way to the airport or bothering to change clothes. I wait for hours for the next flight available but I don't care. I'm tired to the bones but all I wanted to do was go home to my dogs, my friends ... to Sam.
"I want to see her!"
My mood doesn't lift during the flight back to england those two hours and fourty minutes only draining me further. As the plane touches down I call a cab to drive me back to get my dogs and from there we walk off. Back to our quiet peaceful place. Back to our home.
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Please if you're ever struggling with similar thoughts search for help. There's support lines you can reach out to or a friend, a family member someone. The world is a better place with you in it.
You're not alone.
this site has some of the lines available if you need support
https://www.cnet.com/health/suicide-hotlines-crisis-hotlines-to-call-when-you-need-help/
please reach out
Hotlines for the LGBTQIA+ community
The Trevor project: 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678678
Trans lifeline: 1-877-565-8860
Mental health and suicide hotlines 988
Crisis text line: Text Hello to 741741 (US or UK), 686868 (Canada) reach out via whatsapp or crisis line on facebook for help
Youthline: Text teen2teen to 839863, or call 1-877-968-8491
Childhelp National Child abuse Hotline: call or text 1-800-422-4453 They offer phone support in 170 languages, or you can chat online with a counselor.
Domestic and sexual violence hotlines
Text "START" to 88788 or call 1-800-799-7233 Anyone who is experiencing domestic violence and/or abuse, plus anyone concerned about a friend, family member or loved one can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
They offer support in more than 200 languages, and offer a confidential, secure online chat.
National Deaf Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-855-812-1001 You can get help over email, or talk via video call to a trained counselor.
Rainn: 1-800-656-4673
Drug or alcohol abuse
SAMHSA National Help Line: 1-800-662-4357
If you are struggling with addiction or are concerned about a loved one's alcohol or drug abuse, you can contact the hotline for the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. ~
Some other helplines:
https://www.nytimes.com/article/suicide-prevention-helplines.html