-Our situations had finally flipped-
Sila
Breathing can sometimes turn out to be the loneliest experience, especially on frigid days. Summer was around me, but all I could feel was the frigid breeze of cold regrets and sorrow.
I was in a mourning mood.
The tragedies of the past, the regrets...
Sitting in my office alone, I was sifting through files and realizing one crucial emotion, one that I had never built to courage to face before...
Forgiveness.
My eyes tightly closed in despair, as I inhaled an agonized breath of air and then reopened my eyes to tiredly look at the envelope resting in the middle of my office desk. My office room was small, white tilted and had a wall-length window (situated behind my desk) that peered at the blue, smoky sky.
I was miles above the ground, and I felt as if I had climbed this high to escape from everything that my heart didn't want to accept.
I didn't want to forgive myself.
Despite finally moving on with my life, accepting my scars and heartbreak as an experience, forgiving myself was the one thing I could never do. I held a grudge against my stupidity, my stubbornness to become an easy target.
I had made it too easy for people like Eliyas to prey on my heart,
My choices, even my arrogance about believing a guy could go crazy over me...they had been my biggest mistakes, and I hated how much I had lost because of my dumb choices.
People, like Eliyas, were in numbers. They hurt and ruined, lurked in corners for a chance, and I, being ungrateful for my comfort, had decided to foolishly jump straight into a common trap. That was something I could never forgive myself for, and if I couldn't forgive myself, how could I ever forgive anyone else?
Tears of suppressed hurt and pain gathered in my head that mourned the loss of a girl who was madly sure about being a princess meant to be rescued by a prince charming, and I leaned back against my office chair, staring at the white ceiling with despair.
There was sunlight flooding my room...a desperate need to focus on something that kept me going was stressing my mind.
Nabeel...my baby boy...
I had to focus on him. I had to remind myself that I was a mother to a little boy who had been deceived by a loved one, too. We had a common factor in our lives; the same man whose selfishness had ruined so much for us, and I needed to save my son from becoming as scarred as me.
He was still so young, still had hope...
And if Eliyas took that hope away from him, I would never be able to forgive myself. It was my way of healing. If I could save Nabeel from his father's mess, I would feel as if I had rescued myself, too.
I was desperate.
I needed severe rescuing.
I missed my home and my loved ones who had probably already disowned me...and if I truly needed to keep out the extreme feeling of loneliness and abandonment, I had to keep working on the feels that made me feel part of a family where the bonds were willing to fight for each other.
Nabeel and I only had each other in this place.
We couldn't let Eliyas take that away.
I couldn't allow Eliyas to take away yet another source of happiness from me.
The tension, the anxiety, the fear...it was now starting to give me a headache.
Quickly taking a sip of coffee from my coffee mug placed on the right corner of my table, I then straightened up and decided to do what I had been dreading throughout the morning. I had made extra calls to Nabeel's school to let them know not to allow anyone to come and even meet Nabeel.
I had even called the police station to let them know where I would be today, in case Eliyas decided to act funny.
Now, it was time to face the situation head-on.
Sighing, I piled up my work files on the left side of my table, so I had enough room to relax and look at the envelope meant for me.
Placing both arms on the desk, I then grabbed the envelope with both hands, feeling a trembling sensation jolt my strength, and opened it up.
My Sila,
I am missing you.
I almost crumbled this paper at the audacity...this disgraceful, spineless and selfish man...
I close my eyes, and you are there. I look around, and I feel breathless because of your absence. I am dreaming about you, being told about how lucky I was to be loved so beautifully. And I know this is my punishment.
Remembering you now...
I am a broken man. And I hate how I had to break down to accept that I was actually living the biggest irony in my life.
To want someone I had always promised to hate.
I am a complete idiot, and that doesn't change anything.
I still miss you.
I don't want to. I don't know why it is happening...why now when women from the cities have always disgusted me so much, when I hate the rich for being so entitled and throwing scraps for the people on the muddy side. I don't want to be a lover...yours to keep, but why is missing you making so much sense?
I cannot get rid of my racing heartbeats, the memories of that day you stunned me while dressed up as my bride...you looked soft, cute, small...easy. I had to marry you. This is my why. You asked me so many times, and I am understanding that now.
I was a complete fool to deny that you were something that was so out of my control.
Now I know I have done too much to ever earn your feelings back for me.
It is one of my biggest regrets...my biggest loss.
To have something and lose it when you finally want it...
I know you have been a good mom to my Nabeel.
So I will never hurt you or my son by forcing you to stay.
Instead, I will win you and my son back....even if I never get the chance to cherish the feeling of being your whole world again.
The loose pages placed in the envelope are all the moments I jotted down while obsessing over you in my jail, being told by my jail mates how lucky I was for having a wife and child outside.
I hope you read them all. I hope you understand what happened to me in prison, how many times I breathed after dreaming about you...
Your husband.
Lies...all he ever spoke were lies, but even his truth was no better.
A gulp of tears and misery hitched up my throat.
Easiest; that is why I had always rebelled. The weak feelings were where it all started. So easily used and suppressed, I had chosen Eliyas to feel heard and cherished. Something I looked for amongst my cousins. I had chosen to trust love because it had made me feel like I was finally something to be earned.
And yet again, Eliyas believed he could pull me towards him by manipulating me. He thought I was gullible enough to buy it all again, would go back for his scrapes and learn that he was just abusing the word love for me.
I hated how I had once been all that and more...
It aggravated me so much to even remember those moments of being dressed up as a bride for him. For such obvious lies, I had made a complete fool of myself. I had made a complete drama out of myself for someone whose toxic nature was all his own doing.
I should never have become part of his drama. I should never have let a damaged man with a dirty heart soil my happiness, too.
I hurt my family for someone who envied my life.
I knew what this letter and 'missing you' was all about. A man out of his depth, who had experienced losing it all...this was a momentary reaction towards dealing with a dented ego.
People with suppressed goodness never did what Eliyas did to me.
Good hearts never propelled the ruination of another.
Eliyas was simply a rotten, highly complex and selfish criminal who was now dealing with the shame of getting clobbered at the prison. People who returned back from prison either craved dark retribution or had finally learned their lesson.
Eliyas was probably a lost aggressor who was bleeding with the humiliation of feeling powerless among the prison walls. He wanted to have control again. Me again, so he could once again feel good about himself, but this time, I wasn't going to be any man's punching bag.
In fact, I was never going to be an easy target for anyone.
Emotional manipulation; I was once such an easy target of people manipulating me by telling me what I wanted to hear. They fed me lies after capturing my desperation for affection, and I was finally done with giving just so many chances to those who knew exactly what they were doing.
I couldn't forgive myself, and now I was going to make people witness how deadly and lethal my hate was.
No more melting at soft words and patiently waiting for changes that just never came...
I was going to make sure Eliyas knew he handed over his son to me, and now he had to fight, beg, and plead to even get a glimpse of my boy. He owed me more, too. Permanent freedom, but I would not let that become my weakness.
I would speak up, fight in the court...
But an abuser, like Eliyas, was never going to be able to manipulate me by dangling the word 'love' before me again.
I would never stand that again...never get used in search of lies that just weren't meant for me.
Crumpling up the letter in mad fury, I was just about to toss it away when I heard a knock on my door.
"Sila, Ma'am is not in the office. I am sending the man we called in to interview for the new intern post to your office. You can check his credentials and his sample works while we wait for ma'am."
Shoot!
I was so not in the mood to deal with anyone or anything at the moment. Also, I never dealt with taking interviews before. He? This office was female-centric, so why was a he even being hired? Probably to help around in the IT department.
Ugh!...to talk and listen...
However, before I could say anything, my office door was softly knocked.
I heaved a sigh of exhaustion, placing Eliyas's envelope in the compartment below my desk.
"Come in..." I sat up straight, dutifully looking at the door, as I folded my arms on top of my desk.
To smile in moments when I felt so low and quiet...when I felt like silently mourning my mistakes and regret...
"Good Morning, Ma'am,"
My breath hitched, my skin paled...my strong posture melted into a crumble of emotions...as locks of hair instantly escaped my well-set and covered style.
In life, we dream about so much. We dream of a chance, some retribution, and sometimes, we do circle back. People who hurt us so miserably, so badly...sometimes, we are presented with the chance to have an upper hand and trace back the wounds that crushed us.
Standing before me was the man who destroyed so much for me; made me the loneliest person, and suddenly, life had given me the chance to make or break him. This could be a game or a con (words he had promised in his letter) but the look of hesitance, desperation and destruction told me I had a starving man before me who really did need a job.
Eliyas was nervously scratching the nape of his neck, giving me a side-loped grin.
Disgust filled me.
I could send him away.
I could refuse, say no...scream and hyperventilate my opinion.
I was already breathless, but I knew I had to be quick with my choices.
I could either wither way or enjoy this delicious reversal of power and use it to make sure Nabeel never had to deal with his messed-up dad.
Immediately my expression turned cold and reserved.
"Morning, take a seat."
(THIS STORY WILL REMAIN OPEN-ENDED FOR NOW, until I fully get back to writing. It is continuously giving me writer's block because I am trying to write it without feeling it, lol.)
a/n: thank you so much for reading, voting, sharing and writing. This means so much to me. Sooo sorry for the long wait. Life has caught up with me, so I have temporarily run out of writing juice, lol. Been busy getting a new job, dealing with society, and learning how life is just that...a four-letter word. We invest too much time in dreaming, when it is all about understanding and surviving...lol. Trust me, being special is not everyone's game. Some have to play the supporting role.