In the wake of our phone call I tried to check in with myself. Deep breaths and attempts to untangle my thoughts availed me nothing. My head felt so scattered, it was like cleaning a room without putting anything away. I knew that seeing Pedro would make me feel good, but was it good for me? That was an important distinction that I currently failed to grasp.
Although we had breached that initial phase of determining whether or not this was worth pursuing, we were still getting to know one another. After all, it had only been a couple of weeks.
If I followed the "it's too soon for him to see you like this" trail of thought, the end result my mind conjured was painful. I'd overwhelm him and that would provide justification for cutting himself loose. This budding connection would wilt and wither away.
But if I followed the "he seemed happy at the prospect of coming over" trail, something inside me truly believed that this would become serious. I enjoyed my time with him, but I wasn't sure if I could handle serious at this point in my life. There was still a part (a very tiny part) of me that wanted to see what, or who, else was out there.
Both scenarios activated my fight or flight response, albeit in different ways. I felt like we were at the sweet spot in the beginning of something, and I wanted to live there. I knew it wasn't possible though. Having him over was taking a step out of that space but I still didn't know which direction it would take us.
Things did feel different, but that could easily be attributed to the fact that our interactions had been relegated to the phone because of our busy schedules. Truthfully, I had only seen him twice in person, and I opened myself up to the third time being like this? With my hair a mess, body bloated and achy, and pimples along my jawline? Unstable emotions and disorganized thoughts? Clinging onto my heating pad for dear life while I drank lukewarm tea and watched trash tv? What was I thinking?
My phone vibrated, pulling me out of my downward spiral and into the present.
Pedro: I'm glad I still get to see you tonight.
Divine timing? I laughed out loud. It was nearly impossible to fight the urge to ask.
Emi: Really?
I bit my fingernail as I watched the bubble of ellipsis, anxiously awaiting his response.
Pedro: Yeah, even if you are kind of gross.
I rolled my eyes, imagining his smirk as he typed that out.
Emi: Shouldn't you be working?
Pedro: It's hard to focus when my head is filled with thoughts of you.
A blush crept onto my face and a heat seeped into the pit of my stomach. I didn't like that he had that effect on me, especially over text. Perhaps my raging hormones had a part in this, but I doubted it.
Emi: I'm already nauseous, don't make it worse.
Pedro: That's Emi code for 'I love it'
What I disliked even more than the effect he had on me, was that he was aware of it. I was reminded of when we first met at the bar. He knew what a whispered compliment and a lingering glance could do. I was softened by it until I realized that was a bit naive of me, so I challenged him. I had begun to see that he was multifaceted but when this frisky and presumptuous part of him came out, the defiant and daring part of me did too.
Emi: Shut up.
When do you think you'll be done?
Pedro: Probably in an hour or so. But I wanted to make a few stops before coming over.
My heart stumbled in my chest as I imagined him picking something up for me. I had no idea what he was referring to and that almost made it worse. My mind was already scrambled, it didn't need any more fuel to go completely haywire. I needed clarity.
Emi: Stop where?
Pedro: Don't worry about it. Oh, I just realized I don't have your address. Can you please send it to me?
Emi: No.
Then I immediately followed up with details of my address. I knew I was being difficult, but I couldn't help myself. Seemed like he didn't seem to mind much though, and that was encouraging.
Pedro: Perfect, can't wait. XO
I sighed and wondered how I could kill a few hours. I debated showering but washing curly hair proved itself to be a very involved process, and almost always needed styling. I had the time for it, but not the energy. Then I contemplated masturbating. Not because I was lustful at the moment, but to completely shut down the possibility of being aroused by the slightest thing Pedro did. The waves of feeling amorous while on my period was a phenomenon that still confused me. Perhaps the answer was simply hormones, but I always justified masturbating with the loose fact that orgasms relieve cramping.
On the rare occasions when I was with someone while on my period I always told them. Some individuals still wanted to have sex because they didn't care about the blood. One even said he would perform oral on me because he found me so attractive. I declined but I still think about that sometimes, and I'm not sure if I should be flattered or disgusted. I wondered if Pedro would be like that. Then I thought that maybe he was so quick to say yes because he expected that boundary to be in place. That settled it. I would masturbate, then shower and hopefully feel satiated when he arrived.
–
Pedro: Alright, I'm done. I'm coming over now, is that ok?
I quickly slid the notification away, not wanting to distract myself from the video currently playing on my phone. There was a couple in the bathroom. The man was fucking the woman from behind, holding her neck and whispering in her ear, both of them watching their reflection. I kept thinking about Pedro. How he would feel inside of me. The noises he would make. The things he would say to me. I was so turned on it was almost painful. I had given myself an orgasm before the shower, and upon seeing my naked reflection and imagining what Pedro would say if he saw it, I climbed into bed to give myself another. Right on the edge and focused intently on how the woman reacted every time the man thrust into her, the sound stopped and was replaced with a ringtone.
Pedro was calling me.
"For fucks sake." I said out loud. With a deep breath I took my hand out of my underwear.
"Hello?" I answered a bit out of breath and exasperated.
"Hi." Something in his voice sounded playful and intrigued, "am I interrupting something?"
I swallowed, feeling a heat rise to my cheeks. Did he know? I didn't want to respond to that.
"What's up?" I asked, sitting up and reaching for the glass of water on my nightstand.
"I just wanted to make sure it was ok that I'm heading over now. I texted you but you didn't respond."
"Sorry," I took a couple sips of water and looked at the message. He had sent it about fifteen minutes before calling me. "Yeah, that's fine. What's your ETA?"
Selfishly I wanted to continue masturbating and was hoping there would be enough time.
He chuckled, "Well, I was feeling a little impatient so I'm already on my way. Should be there in about ten minutes."
My eyes reflexively widened and I had to stop myself from blurting out in surprise. "Uh," I started, taking a deep breath. "Doesn't make sense to tell you to turn back now."
He laughed at that then sarcastically said, "I'm excited to see you too."
I couldn't explain it to him, or I guess I could but I didn't want to. "Sorry, didn't mean it like that. I just have to clean up a bit before you get here." A bogus excuse left my mouth as I rubbed my hand over my face.
"Don't worry about it. I don't want you cleaning if you don't feel well."
"Thanks." My reply came out a little flat, mostly because I wasn't going to clean anyways.
"Is there only street parking?" He asked as I sat up and walked to the bathroom sink, holding the phone against my shoulder with my ear. I washed my fingers.
"Yeah. I forgot it was Friday." I sighed, accepting the reality that I wouldn't be able to come again before seeing him. "You might have to walk a bit. My neighborhood gets kind of crowded on the weekends. I'll send you my location so you know which building it is."
"Great." I could hear his turn signal on in the background.
"Awesome." I tried to sound cheerful but my stomach instantly knotted.
I looked at myself in the mirror. Why did I push it? Why try to have two when I already had one? I didn't want to be horny around him, but maybe the end result would be the same no matter what. My thoughts were filled with erotic scenes revolving around Pedro and he would be walking into my apartment any minute now.
✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺✺
HIII sorry for the slow updates! Life has been anything but slow lately. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Kind of filler, kind of set up? Definitely mature. Sorry about that if you don't want it. I don't know. Just wanted to write and post because it's fun!!
ALSO THANK YOU FOR 4 K READS!! And for putting me in the top 5 of #Pedro and #Pascal !!!! DID NOT IMAGINE THAT WHEN I STARTED THIS SILLY LITTLE THING. I am so grateful for everyone who reads, comments, and votes. You guys give me lil dopamine boosts throughout my week and it has been so wonderful lately.
I'll try to upload the next chapter soon!!