Loki hasn't been outside long before Thor sits down by his side. He only opens his eyes long enough to ensure it is his brother before he closes them again, allowing himself to bask in the sun's rays as he lies in the grass. He'd begun to think he'd never touch grass again. He doesn't want to give it up now.
"You look happy," Thor remarks.
"I am happy," Loki replies. For the first time in weeks – for the first time since Frigga left, even – he's happy. He's not going to hide that.
"How come?"
Loki takes a long, deep breath, letting the fresh air fill his lungs. "I'm outside."
Thor huffs, a laugh of a sort. "You are outside."
"Do you know how long it's been since I've been outside?" Loki asks wistfully.
"No more than 12 hours, I'd assume."
Loki opens his eyes and looks over at his brother to find the stupid smirk he'd expected to see. "You're not funny."
"You think I'm funny," Thor says.
"I really don't," Loki tells him.
"Yes, you do."
Loki just rolls his eyes good-naturedly.
"Is that all you're happy about?" Thor asks. "To be outside?"
Loki hums in response. "That, and I prefer the sight of trees to that of buildings, and the air unpolluted by thousands of cars below." He smiles and folds his arms behind his head. "Really, I am just happy to be here."
"I'm glad you are," Thor says. "Do you like your new room?"
"I love it." Loki sits up and turns to face him. "Have you seen it?"
"I have," Thor says. "I helped Stark move the fridge in."
"So you've seen that I have a TV?"
Thor chuckles. "Yes, Loki, I've seen that you have a TV."
"Isn't that incredible?" Loki asks, beaming. "I have my own TV – in my room! I don't have to go to the common rooms. I can watch a movie from the comfort of my own bed!"
Thor's smile falters, but he still pretends to be supportive. "That's going to be wonderful. You'll love it, I'm sure."
Loki frowns. "You don't seem nearly as happy as I'd hoped." Does he not understand how exciting this is? Does he not care?
"Of course I'm happy for you," Thor assures him. "I am thrilled that you have your own television. But don't barricade yourself in your room with it."
"I never said I was going to barricade myself in my room with it," Loki protests.
"I know, but it sounds like you are," Thor says. "Isn't it more fun to watch television with somebody else?"
Loki's frown deepens. It depends on who the 'somebody else' is, but he can't deny that he has a point. The team's movie nights are always hit or miss, but with just one or two other people, it really is more fun. And Steve did just ask him to watch a movie...
He shakes his head, ridding himself of the thought.
When it becomes clear that Loki's not going to respond, Thor starts a new conversation. "I just passed Clint and Natasha. They told me they talked to you."
Loki shrugs awkwardly.
"They seemed happy about that," Thor adds.
Loki sighs. "They were, and it was incredibly uncomfortable," he says. "Everybody is so nice now. It was never like this before."
"But that's good, isn't it?" Thor asks.
"No, it's weird," Loki says. "They were never this nice before, and I don't understand what changed. Was my absence truly so powerful that even the most stubborn of Avengers became overwhelmed with concern?"
"Well... yes." Thor furrows his brows. "Does that surprise you? That they noticed? That they cared?"
"Of course it does!" Loki says. "Barton is being nice to me! He's never once said a nice thing to or about me, and today, he let me eat the rest of his steak! He showed me how to microwave it without any judgment! This is not normal!"
"Isn't that good?" Thor asks. "You didn't like 'normal.' This is better, isn't it?"
"It's weird," Loki insists. "He's never treated me like this. He pities me, I think. They all do."
"Do they pity you, or are they worried about you?" Thor asks. "It's been six weeks since you locked yourself in your room, and until today, you hadn't spoken to anyone but me or Mother. You don't think the others are concerned about you?"
Loki frowns. Well, when he says it like that... With a sheepish shrug, he says, "No, I didn't."
"They do care about you, you know," Thor tells him. "You've lived with them nearly three years now. They see you as a friend and a peer, and they worry about you as one of their own. You are part of this team, in your own way, and I think you may be the only one who doesn't see that."
Loki clasps his hands in his lap, looking down at them wordlessly. That's not... that can't be true. He's not part of this team. Nobody sees him as a part of this team. He's the reason this team exists, but that's because they fought against him. He may not be the enemy anymore, but he's certainly not a friend. He's not a teammate. Is he?
Loki sighs and leans against him, resting his head on his brother's shoulder, and Thor rests his head on top of his. It's quiet for a short while, and Thor doesn't try to push him to speak. He doesn't have to. They have all the time in the world, which is more than the others can say.
"They're going to die one day," Loki says quietly.
"I know."
"I'm not ready for that," Loki says.
"I know," Thor says again. "Neither am I. We may never be ready for it. But they're not dead yet, and there's no point in grieving the living. Enjoy their presence while you still have it."
"That's easy for you to say," Loki mumbles. "You can make new friends once they've died."
Thor sighs. "We'll figure something out."
"There's nothing to figure out," Loki says. "You have the entirety of the Nine Realms at your fingertips. I am stuck in this compound for the rest of my life. I can go no further than the tree line. And when they die, I'll be here all alone. You'll be my only visitor; my only friend." Maybe he'll still have his mother, but that's it. That's not enough. He'll go mad if he's left alone for most of the next few thousands of years.
"And then we will figure something out," Thor repeats. "I'll be king one day. I'll have the power to change things. We can figure this out then. Alright?"
Loki sighs. "Alright," he concedes. It doesn't do much to quell his fears, but it's nice to know that he's willing to help. He doesn't know how he will. He can't imagine there being anything his brother could do for him, even as king. But they'll figure it out. At the very least, he knows his brother won't abandon him – not at first, at least. Not until he gets bored or he gets busy, and hopefully that won't happen for at least a few decades.
It gets quiet again. He doesn't mind that. He appreciates it, really. Sometimes he likes that silence. He's had a lot of it over the last few weeks. It can be nice at times. It can be nice to share it with someone.
"Have I ever apologized for that?" Loki asks eventually.
There's a pause. "What do you mean?"
"I ruined your coronation," Loki says. "Most of what I've done, it was because things got out of hand, but I have no excuse for that. I was jealous and I was afraid, but that's not an excuse; that's just..." He trails off with a sigh. "I'm sorry. You'll make a great king one day. I'm sorry you have to wait on that because of me."
"It's alright," Thor assures him. "I don't know that I was ready to be king at the time. I've learned a lot since then."
"You could have learned it on the throne with Father to guide you," Loki says. "It wasn't my place to stop you, and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that." You didn't deserve a brother like me. That's what it comes down to, really. There's a reason Thor's always been the golden child. Loki's done nothing but hold him back, and the fact that he still cares at all after what he's put him through means a lot to him.
"It's alright," Thor says again. "The past is past. I appreciate your apology, but that was years ago. I think we can both move on now."
Loki offers him a small smile, though with his head on his brother's shoulder, he's not sure Thor can see it. This makes him feel a little better. Thor forgives him. He's not sure he can accept forgiveness from anybody else. He certainly can't forgive himself. But his brother forgives him, and that's what he needed to hear.
"What do you mean, you were afraid?" Thor asks.
"Hmm?"
"You said you did it because you were afraid," Thor recalls. "What do you mean? What were you afraid of?"
Loki lets out a long breath. "I don't know," he admits. "Being alone, I suppose. You were already so much bigger than me; so much better in every way. We hadn't been equals for a long time, but you weren't yet my superior, and that was about to change. I felt like I was losing you. I didn't want a king; I just wanted a brother."
Thor sighs and wraps his arms around him. "You weren't losing me," he assures him. "You're never going to lose me." Teasingly, he adds, "Try as you might, you will never get away from me."
"Good." Loki snuggles in closer. "I don't want to get away from you. I love you."
Thor chuckles softly. "You really must be in a good mood," he remarks. "You never tell me that you love me."
"Maybe I should," Loki says. "Maybe I should tell you I love you more."
"Maybe you should," Thor agrees. "Maybe we both should." He squeezes his brother tight. "I love you, too."
Loki smiles, closing his eyes and letting himself relax in his brother's arms. He's outside and he's in his brother's arms and he's breathing the fresh air and he's sitting in the grass and wow, this is nice. This is really nice.
"You know," Loki says quietly, "I dreamt of Asgard last night."
"Mm?"
"I don't remember much of it," he admits. "But I remember that it was nice. It was comfortable. It truly felt like going home. I didn't want to wake up."
"Maybe you'll go back home when you fall asleep tonight," Thor offers.
"I hope so," Loki says. "It's nicer than the alternative."
Thor's silent for a few moments; then, "How many days is this without a nightmare? Three, now?"
"I believe so," Loki says. It's the longest he's gone without one since he told his mother what happened to him. It bodes well for his future, he thinks. Maybe this is it. Maybe he's getting over it. Talking about it brought all those memories back in full force, but maybe it helped him work through it. Maybe it helped him move on.
"That's good," Thor says. "Do you think it's getting better?"
"I don't know," Loki admits. "I think so." He's been getting better at coming out of them, he thinks. He's been getting better at knowing what's real. He has his brother to thank for that, he's sure.
"Do you think you'd be alright tonight if I went back to Asgard?"
Loki frowns, only because he knows his brother can't see it. He really doesn't want him to, but... "If you want to go home, you can go home. Don't let me keep you here."
"Are you sure you'll be alright?" Thor asks. "I don't want to leave if..."
"I'll be alright," Loki assures him. Even if it goes spectacularly wrong, he'll be alright in the end. It might take some time, but he'll be alright by the time Thor comes back.
"If you're sure," Thor says. "And you'll have Rogers if you need somebody to talk to – or Stark, even. You won't be alone."
"I told you I would be alright," Loki reminds him.
"I know that," Thor says, though he continues talking as though he doesn't. "And you can ask Stark to turn FRIDAY on if you want somebody to know if you have a nightmare."
"I will be fine," Loki insists. He doesn't need Tony's spyware alerting the Avengers to his every bad dream.
"Did you see the spare bedroom in your hallway?" Thor asks.
"I did," Loki says cautiously. He hadn't thought too much of it, but now he's suspicious.
"If you want somebody nearby, they can sleep there," Thor says. "I assume it will belong to me most often, but the rest of the team has said they'll gladly take my place — the twins excluded, of course. I didn't ask them."
Loki lifts his head to look at his brother, an eyebrow raised. "The entire team," he repeats.
"Of course," Thor says. "They all want to help you if they can."
"Even Barton?" Loki says skeptically.
"He doesn't expect you to choose him, but yes," Thor says. "If you ask him, he will do it. He will be glad to have the chance to help you."
Loki presses his lips in a firm line. That's suspicious. Is it suspicious? Maybe he's being dramatic; maybe it's just weird. Either way, he doesn't like this. He doesn't like that everything's changing. He doesn't like that he doesn't know what to expect anymore. At least everything was largely consistent in the Tower. The people who liked him liked him, the people who didn't didn't, and Tony flip-flopped between the two depending on the situation. It was easier back then. Now it's just weird.
But he's sure he can't explain that to Thor – hell, he can barely make sense of it himself why this makes him so uncomfortable – so he changes the subject back to the matter at hand. "I am not going to bother one of the Avengers over something this ridiculous," he says.
"They wouldn't be bothe–"
"I am not asking anyone to do something this ridiculous," Loki amends. He's not going to bother them, whether they would admit they're bothered or not.
For the briefest moment, Loki thinks this is it. He almost lets himself believe that Thor is done being overly dramatic about this. But he's wrong.
"Did Stark tell you about your other room?"
Loki furrows his brows. "What other room?" A common room, maybe? A room with a TV? Is there a man cave in this new Avengers Compound?
"He must be waiting until you've settled in," Thor remarks. That doesn't mean much, apparently, because he tells his brother about it now anyway. "He set up another bedroom with the rest of ours, in case you one day decide you don't want to be alone. It's as far from the twins' room as it can be, but it's near mine and Rogers' and Banner's and Stark's. You don't need to bother anybody, but you don't need to be alone, either."
Admittedly, Loki does consider that for a moment, but he shakes his head. "Brother, I will be fine. I will survive one night alone. Now stop pestering me, will you?"
"Alright, alright," Thor concedes. "I will be back tomorrow. I just want to talk to Mother and Father, and sleep in my own bed while I'm there."
"You do not need to explain anything to me," Loki assures him. "Go home. Enjoy yourself. I've kept you here long enough."
Thor smiles and bumps his shoulder against his brother's. "I'll see you tomorrow."
Loki gives him a small smile in return. "I'll see you then. Tell Mother I said 'hello.'"
"Do you need anything before I go?" Thor asks.
Loki shakes his head. "I'm okay."
"Alright." Thor pushes himself to his feet. "Don't stay outside all day. Make sure you're still eating."
Loki rolls his eyes. "You know, Thor," he says, "I have a bad history with fathers, given that I killed one and the other wanted to have me killed. Perhaps you should stay away from that parental role."
Thor shakes his head to himself. "I'll see you tomorrow, brother."
"Don't rush on my account," Loki replies.
Loki watches as he walks away, and only once his brother has reached the back door does he allow himself to lie back down. He briefly debates the merits of conjuring his blanket, but it's warmer than it was yesterday and he's already wearing his sweats and that might get to be too much. Instead, he just allows himself to bask in the sun, though only his face can feel its heat. Maybe he'll take off his hoodie later. He'd doubtlessly be more comfortable in just his t-shirt, though he likes the soft, baggy material of the sweatshirt too much to take it off just yet.
He closes his eyes, a small small smile on his lips. This is nice. He's having a nice day. He should probably make the most of that, because he's not sure this niceness will follow him to bed tonight.
There was a time when Steve would have been more than enough company for the night. He would have trusted him to handle the horrors that haunt him at night. He still would, really; it's not a lack of trust that's an issue. It's not even that things are so weird between them right now (which is his own fault, he knows). He just... He doesn't know if he can go there again. He doesn't know if he can ask that from him knowing that he'll be gone in a matter of decades.
But he'll cross that bridge when he gets to it. These last few nights have been fine. He hasn't had any nightmares. He hasn't needed a knight in shining armor to save him from himself. Hopefully tonight will be the same, and he won't have to worry about this, anyway.
Right now, that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that Thor's leaving for the night. It doesn't matter that he doesn't know how to act around Steve. It doesn't matter that Clint is being suspiciously nice to him. It doesn't matter that suddenly Tony's working his ass off to make him comfortable when he's never really cared before unless Loki was on the verge of tears. He doesn't care about any of this. He just cares that he's outside, breathing in the fresh air and listening to the birds sing, and he's happy.
He hopes it lasts.