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Chapter 45
Imbes na sagutin ay nag-iwas ng tingin si Terrence mula sa akin at itinuon ito sa mga bata. That hurt me. Pakiramdam ko, mahirap para sa kaniya ang sabihin sa akin kung sino si Shannen.
Bakit ito ang palaging bukang bibig ni Alexene? Is she that close to her? Sa paanong paraan?
"Don't talk to your mother that way, Alexene. You promise me to be nice to her once you meet her." may disiplinang sabi ni Terrence.
I looked at his side profile and he was staring at our daughter with seriousness.
"I'm trying, Daddy. But.." Alexene breathed a sigh that made me look at her. "Why does she have no hair po kasi?"
Nagbaba ako ng tingin kay Alexandre. He was just staring at me and he reminded me of Sir Zion before. Sa tuwing titingnan niya ako noon, ganitong ganito ang pagdilim ng mga mata niya.
"Why does her bald head bother you so much anyway?" matigas ang tono na tanong ni Terrence.
Marahil ay napansin ni Alexene ang pag-iiba ng tono ng ama niya na naging dahilan ng paglabi niya. Yumuko siya, umatras at nagsimulang humikbi.
"Huwag mo nang pagalitan ang anak mo, Terrence. You don't expect her to be okay with... Priscilla..." she glanced at me with indifference. "Right away. It takes time."
"I get that, ate. But that doesn't mean she can talk to her mother that way. Mas matanda pa rin ang taong nasa harapan niya. At least show some respect!" may diin na sagot ni Terrence.
Tumungo ako, pasimpleng minasahe ang sentido. The sound of Alexene's sobs pains me. Bumuntonghininga ako at nag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya.
"Okay lang kung hindi pa sila handang makilala ako, Terrence. I can wait until they're ready." kaswal na sagot ko.
Kahit pa sa mga sandaling ito ay gustong gusto ko na silang yakapin. I badly wanted to jail them inside my arms and tell them how sorry I am for leaving them when they were still young.
But then they aren't ready to give me that chance yet. At wala akong magagawa kung hindi ang maghintay.
"Maybe in all the surprises you have received throughout your lives, this is by far the worst. I'm sorry..." I smiled to conceal the tears building at the corner of my eyes. "Maybe one of these days, I can introduce myself to you. You know, in a proper way. I'll try to be beautiful by that time-"
"You are beautiful."
Natigilan ako nang sabihin 'yon ni Alexandre habang diretsong nakatitig sa akin. Walang kahit anong emosyon na naglalaro sa gwapo niyang mukha ngunit ramdam ko ang katotohanan sa mga salitang 'yon.
Alexene meanwhile was looking into a far distance as if she was currently having deep thoughts. Pero alam ko naman na ayaw niya lang akong tingnan o intindihin.
"My sister tends to be bad sometimes and I'm sorry for that."
Ngumiti ako sa kaniya. Mas tumibay ang kagustuhan kong yakapin sila ngunit alam kong masiyadong mabilis ang galaw na 'yon.
"I understand, Alexandre. Thank you."
I felt Terrence hold my hand but I ignored it. Siguro, masama rin na naghahangad pa ako ng lalapit ang kahit na isa sa mga bata at tatawagin ako sa tamang paraan.
But it didn't happen.
"It's already late. You two can talk to the kids tomorrow." sabi ni Clarisse na pumutol sa pagtitig ko sa mga bata.
"Why are you here, ate?" Terrence asked.
"I just visited them. Nagdala rin ako ng pastry para sa kanila." kaswal na sagot nito.
Her fierce eyes have once again dug a hole in my soul. This time, she didn't smile and gazed back to Terrence.
"I'll go now."
Pumihit siya patalikod para halikan sa pisngi ang kambal. Iyon lang ang ginawa niya at naglakad na paalis ng kwarto.
At some point, I realized that maybe she's mad at me. Kung alam niya ang totoong nangyari sa akin, maaaring ang ikinagagalit niya ay ang biglaan kong pag-alis... at pang-iiwan ko sa kapatid niya.
Narinig ko ang malalim na paghinga ni Terrence. Nilingon ko siya. Hindi ko na magawang alisin ang alinlangan sa puso ko lalo pa at hindi pa rin nasasagot ang tanong ko sa kaniya.
"I'll just tuck them in bed." he said.
He let go of my hand. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin hanggang sa puntahan niya ang mga bata. He whispered something to them that I didn't hear anymore. Sumama ang kambal sa kaniya patungo sa magkaibang kama ng mga ito.
I watched how Terrence put them in bed. I witnessed how he can easily tame Alexene with just a butterfly kiss on her forehead. I realized that it's me who should be doing that but ended up watching them from afar.
"Good night, Daddy. I love you."
"Good night, Dad."
Tipid akong ngumiti nang marinig ang bati nilang 'yon kay Terrence.
"Aren't you going to say good night to your Mommy?" Si Terrence.
Sabay na tumingin sa akin ang kambal. Alexandre's way of looking at me was a bit chilling. Habang si Alexene ay tila ba natatakot pa rin sa akin.
"Good night." seryosong bati ni Alexandre bago nag-iwas ng tingin at humiga na.
"Alexene..." may paalalang tawag ni Terrence.
Alexene sighed as if she's having no choice.
"Night."
I was about to answer when she immediately lay down with her small back facing me. Napailing si Terrence, nakapameywang habang titig na titig sa dalawang bata.
"This isn't what I'm expecting from you." his voice was in pain.
Matapos lagyan ng comforter si Alexene ay tumalikod na siya at pumihit paharap sa akin. Nagtama ang mga mata namin. I swallowed for I felt a lump suddenly blocking my throat.
Ako ang naunang tumalikod at lumabas ng pintuan ng kwarto. Ilang segundo lang at naramdaman ko na rin ang pagsunod niya.
He gently held my elbow that made me stop. Huminga ako nang malalim at pumihit paharap sa kaniya. Alanganin akong ngumiti lalo pa nang makita ang lalim ng pagtitig niya sa akin.
"I'll just sleep in the guest room."
His eyes darkened. Jaw clenched tight.
"We have a room here. Ours. Together in the same bed."
Umiling ako. "Huwag natin biglain ang mga bata, Terrence. It might shocked them if they see or find out that we are sleeping in the same room-"
"I see nothing wrong with that."
"It might be wrong..." I insisted. "Now that they are fond of someone else."
Hindi siya nakasagot. The mere fact that he couldn't answer despite knowing what I was talking about gave me pain.
Bumaba ako ng sala at kinuha roon ang isang bag ko. Umakyat ako at naroon pa rin siya sa kinatatayuan niya.
"Please show me where the guess room is." kalmadong sabi ko.
He didn't answer. Mariin niya pa akong tinitigan na tila ba tumatagos ito sa kaluluwa ko. He then looked away, dropped his gaze down and clenched his jaw.
Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin hindi kalaunan.
"Walk straight. The first room on your left."
Tumango ako. Hindi na ako nagsayang pa ng oras at nilagpasan na siya papunta sa kwartong iyon. Nang makarating ay kaagad kong isinara ang pintuan at naupo sa dulo ng kama.
Hindi ko na nagawa pang purihin ang ganda ng kwartong mayroon ako ngayon. Naiwan akong tulala, ramdam ang bigat ng puso ko.
I felt unwelcome. I know I should not expect them to be happy now that I'm here. Sa reaksyon pa lang ni Clarisse, alam kong mas matindi pa ang makikita ko sa ibang Monasterio.
Kaya kong tiisin. Palagi kong tinatandaan na kagagawan ko rin kung bakit ako nasa ganitong sitwasyon.
Ilang minuto pa bago ako nagkaroon ng sigla para maligo at maglinis ng katawan. Kahit matutulog na lang ay hindi ko pa rin inaalis ang scarf sa ulo ko. I will never be comfortable having a bald head.
Baka mas lalong matakot si Alexene sa akin. Maybe I should consider myself wearing a wig for the mean time.
Habang nakaupo sa gilid ng kama at nagbabasa ng libro na mayroon sa side table, bumukas ang pintuan at iniluwa si Terrence.
He was already on his gray sweat pants and plain white round shirt that hugs his masculinity. Sa isang kamay niya ay naroon ang isang baso ng gatas.
"I brought you milk."
Isinara ko ang librong hawak at tinanguan siya.
"Thank you."
I put my attention back to the book. From my peripheral vision, I saw him place the glass of milk on the bedside table.
"Enjoying the book?" he asked in between my silence.
Tumango ako nang hindi siya tinitingnan. "It's good. Nakahiligan ko na ang pagbabasa ng ganito simula nang magkasakit ako."
Naramdaman ko ang pag-upo niya sa tabi ko. He even snaked his arm around my waist that made my heart race in pain. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ang simpleng pagtabi at paghawak niya sa akin ay nagbibigat pait sa puso ko.
"I'll sleep here."
I sighed. "I told you that we can't sleep in the same bed-"
"Why not? The last time I checked, we're engaged."
The last time. How about now?
"We still are."
Those words gave me the right amount of courage to look at him. Nakatingin siya sa kawalan pero ramdam ko na nasa akin ang atensyon niya.
"I believe I ended whatever we have before I left you, Terrence. I gave you the blessing about loving someone else. Hindi na ako umaasa pang magiging tayo ulit-"
"Then I'm the only one who still hoped even if there's no assurance," he paused. "A blessing to love someone else?" he chuckled sarcastically. "I don't remember myself wanting that kind of blessing from you."
Nakagat ko ang labi, mas lalong bumigat ang dibdib.
"A blessing from the priest is what I want, Priscilla," he whispered huskily. "A blessing for a life with you."
Hanggang ngayon, gusto niya pa rin akong pakasalan. Sa kabila ng itsura at sitwasyon ko, ang hinaharap pa rin kasama ako at naiisip niya.
I wanted to call myself lucky but something's bothering me.
Someone.
"Sino si Shannen, Terrence?" I asked.
Huminga siya nang malalim. Marahan niya akong kinabig palapit sa kaniya dahilan para mapasandal ang gilid ng ulo ko sa mismong balikat niya.
"She's Ate Clarisse's friend. I've known her since they're college. She left the country to pursue her dreams and she's now back." he said it casually like it's no big deal.
Iyon lang?
"Hindi sa nakikialam o nanghihimasok ako, Terrence. Pero... may relasyon ba kayo?"
Matunog siyang ngumisi. "Manghimasok ka hangga't gusto mo. Hindi kita pipigilan."
"Seryoso ako, Terrence."
"Seryoso rin ako nang sabihin ko sa'yong hindi kailanman ako tumingin sa ibang babae kahit pa noong iwan mo ako," aniya at pinatakan ako ng halik sa mismong sentido. "Hindi ko magawa, Priscilla. Ang hirap-hirap mong palitan."
Aminado akong bahagyang napawi ang pag-alala sa puso ko sa sinabi niyang 'yon. Hindi ko itatanggi na isa 'yon sa mga bumagabag sa akin.
"Malapit siya sa mga bata." sagot ko.
"Only to Alexene. Mailap sa kaniya si Alexandre. They met Shannen one time I brought them to Mama's house. Naroon rin si Ate Clarisse. I don't know how they became close but you know... it's a girl thing I can't understand."
Kung ganoon ay mas doble tyaga ang dapat kong gawin pagdating kay Alexene. Sa kanilang dalawa ng kakambal niya, halatang siya ang mas malayo sa akin.
"Does she ever... come here?" I asked trying to sound brave.
"Yes. One time with Ate Clarisse."
Natapon ang panibagong pait sa dibdib ko hindi ko nagawang umimik.
"But I wasn't here when they went here. Sinabi lang sa akin ni Alexene..." putol niya sa paglalakbay ng isip ko. "I thought I have your blessing to like someone else? Why do I hear jealousy through your voice then?"
Akala ko rin handa akong makita o malaman na mayroon na siyang iba. Ang daling sabihin na kaya ko siyang hayaan sumaya sa iba. Pero kung harapan na, ang hirap. Hindi pala ganoon kadali.
"I guess it was a lie," malungkot akong ngumiti.
I felt him kiss me on top of my head that made me close my eyes.
"No matter how much you try to push me away, even if you ask me to look for someone else who will make my dreams come true, I will still choose to stay with you, Priscilla..." he sighed and held me tighter. "I will always be in love with that beautiful woman in Casa Vallejo who made me believe that love at first sight is damn real."
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