October
Darren
I am a poor excuse for a human being.
Kenneth doesn't deserve me.
These are the thoughts that linger - after being alone for almost a month - in my mind. Ever since I initiated the break, my emotions have been repressed inside me. As the days go by, the more I'm ready to burst like a balloon. Too much air. Too many thoughts. No therapy. No Kenneth.
Each tally I scratch onto the wall next to my bed marks another day that the two of us have successfully avoided each other. It's getting suffocating.
The first few days were the hardest. I would always see him. It doesn't matter if it was in the hallway in passing, the cafeteria, or during rec time, he was there. Always taunting me, encouraging the guilt to build up in me. I did think it was intentional in the beginning.
Sometimes, on Meditation Mondays, he'd walk around the grassy area, waiting for nothing. Waiting for me? Probably. At this point, I should bite the bullet and talk to him again. My mental health is starting to deteriorate, and it's all my doing.
I still think we need a bit more time before we reconnect. I can see that my attitude has rubbed off on him. He doesn't deserve all of this negativity weighing down on him. I should be his life preserver, not his anchor.
But yet, I can't let go of him. Not like this. He's my only hope of getting out of here. He's my only chance at having true happiness.
I've never been infatuated with someone like this. Just look at me, I can barely stay afloat without him. Who was I before I met the man with baby blues and a habit of his glasses falling down his face? I don't remember pre-asylum Darren.
My usual guard drags me to the cafeteria that smells of mold and patients slowly rotting away. The employees pile my tray with some sort of yellow mush they call "food." Soon after, I find the table I always sit at, alone.
I pull a cigarette and a pack of matches from the pocket of my jumpsuit. Ever since the break began, I've been resorting to smoking. Nicotine has been the one cure to ease my tension. It's become a familiar routine and a bad habit.
As I take a drag, I'm reminded of when Kenneth would slip me a fresh orange or an unopened candy bar underneath the table. Real food. These little gestures are what make me appreciate having him in my life. No other employee cares about us the way that he does. I have to stop taking advantage of the one good person in my life.
I'm starting to regret this break. Kenneth didn't even want this. Do I even want this? Am I too dramatic? Too clingy?
As I'm enjoying my cigarette and avoiding the sun's puke on my plate, I'm interrupted by a man who hovers right over me. His auburn hair and hazel pupils threaten above me. He sports a white, short-sleeved button-up and pants of the same color- a nurse. I don't know who he is exactly, and I don't care to know.
"Mr. Walker?" he coughs. I'm not sure if it's from the smoke or to grab my attention.
I look up, annoyed, "What do you want?"
Before the unknown man replies, he sits down across from me. I never asked him to, but I don't feel up to arguing today. Lucky him.
With a weary smile, he says, "I was informed that you don't need your weekly evaluations."
"Is that a problem?" I raise an eyebrow, blowing smoke in his face. He waves it away.
"Uh n-no, it's not," he dismisses, caught off-guard. "However, you still need to have someone oversee your well-being. Just to make sure you're up to par."
"And you are?" I ask.
I'm growing impatient with each second that passes by. Lunchtime is my thirty minutes of freedom and, now, it's wasted on some nurse who's afraid of me. This is getting tiring.
"Oh, pardon my ignorance, I'm Terrence Evans, your assigned nurse." He continues, "I will be with you during a lot of your leisurely time. It's just a temporary measure until you go back to Dr. Baker."
"Great," I breathe out. "Maybe I should just go back to therapy now. This is much worse."
As my new babysitter rambles on about shit I don't care about, I spot Kenneth and Edward strolling into the room. They're laughing. I don't know what the joke is, but I think it's me. Even though I know it's not, my self-esteem likes to play tricks on me.
Seeing them enjoy each other's company makes my blood boil. I can feel my upper lip twitch. I haven't seen Kenneth smile like that in a while. At least not since the break began. Every ounce of hope left inside me crumbles.
I made a stupid decision. I thought it was selfless, but now I'm afraid it could drag us apart if I let it go on for too long. Especially now that Edward is involved. He knows the relationship between Kenneth and me. He knows I get jealous when they're together. I have every reason to believe that he's fucking with me as a form of revenge.
"Darren? Hello?" Terrence interferes with my stalking.
I shake my head back to reality. "Huh?"
"Did you even hear a single word that I said?"
"No."
The nurse groans, "Alright. I'll tell you one more time. Got it?"
***
As I lay in bed, I pick up the only book the penitentiary allowed me to have, hand-picked by them, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. The description tells me it's about a patient in a psychiatric hospital who suffers from hallucinations and delusion. Good one, Holmes Chapel. Great read while I'm trapped in an asylum. A very ironic choice.
When I flip over to the first page, my reading is shortly disturbed by a resounding knock on my door. If my estimate is correct, it's time for medication. I wonder who the lucky visitor is today...
With a sigh, I roll off of the bed and walk towards the cause of the interruption. There's a small window attached to the metal door that slides to see the outside. I draw it open, and there's the one person I did not want to see.
Two paper cups are given to me, one containing a white pill and the other having water. I grab it from his hands, then swallow and gulp. After I've finished, I hand back the cups and cackle, "Too afraid to open the door?"
"Wh-"
"I mean, you have the key. Kenneth and the other nurses have no problem facing me without the barrier. Or, is it because you're scared I'll almost kill you again?"
"Actually," Edward retorts, an evil grin slowly appearing on his face. "I am scared because I know you'll hate what I'm about to tell you."
I laugh to hide my fear. He has the advantage now.
"So, you'll be glad to know that Kenneth and I are attending the fall carnival tonight. It's a shame that you won't be there to see him enjoy my company more than yours."
"Oh please, he's not even your type." I roll my eyes, trying to hide my growing anger. "It's pretty messed up to play with his emotions like that."
"Says the man who discarded Ken like a pile of trash. He's been pretty fucking upset the last month over you. Also, very desperate for attention. Thankfully, I can provide that for him since you can't."
Ken is my nickname for him. This bastard wants to die.
If I ever get out of here, Edward would be the first person I'd visit, and not for fun either. He was right. If the door were open right now, his blood and body would be on the ground. I guess it's best for both of us that we have this wall.
"He told you?" My voice grows louder, barely able to control the rage brewing inside of me.
"Of course," he shrugs nonchalantly. "Ken and I are closer than ever, thanks to you. He always begs me to hang out."
"I don't know what you think you're trying to do, but stay the hell away from him," I growl.
"Oh, I won't have that issue, he will," Edward says, then starts to walk off to the neighboring cell.
"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, EDWARD!" I bang on the door with my fist. "YOU BETTER BE AFRAID OF ME!"
The black-haired asshole eventually disappears into the long hallway until I can barely see him. Frustration still flows inside of me like a raging river.
I kick the door then, without much thought, punch the concrete wall. With each hit, the more pain it causes and the more bloody my knuckles become.
As the pain becomes unbearable, I give up and slide down to the ground, back against the wall. Tears drip from the brim of my eyelids and down my cheeks.
Disgusting. Idiotic. Pathetic. I never cry. Ever.
My obsession with Kenneth has gone too far. All I can think about is him. All I want is him. He makes me envious of anyone who gets to spend actual time with him. I can stand this hiatus anymore.
I made a huge mistake.