I woke up in a panic. Literally.
My chest was tight, as though someone had dropped a weight and didn't lift it off. As I clutched at my chest, desperate to clear the weight, my mind went into a whirl, and I realized I couldn't breathe.
I fell out of bed. I was on all fours on the floor, heaving, trying to get any sense of regular feeling back.
Everything was blurry, everything was moving too quickly or too slowly, I couldn't tell. I couldn't tell anything except that I wasn't breathing correctly. It made me scared, so scared that I grabbed my hair and yelled.
Somewhere behind me, I heard my bedroom door open, light pouring in from the living room.
And the next moment, I felt hands on my back. They were warm, but they didn't help my breathing.
"River?" came a voice.
My eyes were shut, and I had collapsed on the floor, but I didn't care. Nothing mattered except escaping this feeling, this horrible feeling. I was falling, or maybe drowning, still held down.
With my eyes closed, I was reminded of my nightmare, and all I could see was him. The man that ruined my life over and over again.
I couldn't catch my breath. I was vaguely aware that Holly sat beside me, still with a hand on my back, gently resting it there.
"River... you have to slow down your breathing," I heard her voice say.
It was a distant voice, but it registered.
"I... can't..." I managed to get out. My breathing still scared me; it was much too fast. My head was starting to hurt.
I gasped a few times, my eyes shut so tightly that tears were coming out. The warm hands left my back, and I had a new sense of dread wash over me. Where had they gone? The warmth had left my body for good. This was the end.
And then the warm hands were back, tangled in my own hands. I squeezed the hands that were in mine, not thinking straight yet, but knowing that they were my best hope of calming down.
"Hey..." came the voice. "You're okay. I know it feels bad, but it can't hurt you, whatever it is. It's not here. I'm here."
It's not here. He's not here.
"Good, just like that, focus on me, okay? You're fine. You're doing great. Look, it's just you and me in this room. The moonlight is here, see?"
I opened my tear-filled eyes. Through the hair falling in front of my face, I looked at our hands. They were bathed in white moonglow from the window.
"Just us and the moon. It's a beautiful night, too. My window is open, and the wind is nice and cool. I think we'll have a good autumn."
"Just us..." I repeated with a shaky breath.
"And the moon, don't forget. It deserves to be included, too."
My forehead touched the floor as I stayed down. My chest didn't have any weight anymore. My hands were still holding the warm ones.
"It feels bad, but it won't hurt you. You're safe. I'm here."
I took a final shuddering breath before my breathing returned to normal. I was aware that my hands weren't intertwined with Holly's anymore, and I sat up, looking at her through my falling hair.
Holly sat beside me, her legs folded beneath her. Her eyebrows were furrowed, and her hair was down. She wore her pajamas, a bright pink shirt, and soft shorts. Her eyes held concern and a sort of tenderness that I had never seen before.
"Thank you..." I said, rubbing my eyes with my fists. This was so embarrassing. She had to see me like this again. No one ever saw me like this. It usually happened away from everyone, which was another reason why I should've had my own-
"I'm here for you," she said.
---Holly's POV---
River lifted his head, his eyes meeting mine. Half of his face was covered in a bright glow from the moon out the window. His messy brown hair fell in front of his eyes, but I could still see the twisted pain in them.
"I appreciate it," River said. His voice sounded stronger already.
I knew he'd be embarrassed, but I didn't mind. After the first panic attack, I had researched how to help someone going through one. Talk about something physical, something familiar, something good. Reassure them that nothing will hurt them. Let them know you're there.
He had calmed down a lot sooner than last time, and I felt proud of myself for helping. I wished I could always be there for him.
River let out a big sigh and sat against his dresser. I sat in front of him, waiting for him to speak.
"I didn't mean to wake you," he said.
I shook my head. "I wasn't asleep yet; it's only been an hour since we went to bed. I was drawing."
"You like drawing at nighttime?"
"It helps me clear my mind and get ready for the next day, yes."
He nodded in interest, then closed his eyes and took another deep breath.
"Instead of saying sorry... Thank you for being here," he said, his eyes still closed.
"I'm glad I was."
❁❁❁❁❁
Morning announced its arrival by throwing sunlight into my face. I groaned and rolled over in bed, but the damage was done: once I was awake, it was hard to go back to sleep.
Sunday. A day of rest.
I didn't have work today, since my boss was training another employee, so I wanted to ask River to hang out. Maybe we'd go grocery shopping together, or go see a movie.
But when I left the bathroom after getting ready, he was nowhere in the apartment.
I found a text on my phone from River that read, call me when you can
I called him immediately.
"Hello?" came his voice.
"River?" I said into the phone. "What's wrong?"
"Did you move my stuff?" asked River.
"What do you mean?"
"I had things organized in my room, but they were misplaced when I woke up," he explained. "Did you move them?"
"No," I said, frowning. "That's odd. Why were they moved?"
"You didn't snoop around my room after... what happened last night, right?"
"I didn't."
A brief silence, and then I heard him say, "I have practice until the evening. See you then."
He hung up, and I slowly lowered my phone.
It sounded like he was angry with me. Did he not believe that I hadn't been messing with his room?
I stood in his doorway to investigate, scared to go into his room further but also wanting to see what he meant.
Everything had its place in his room. He was very organized and neat. I looked around, but I didn't see anything seemingly out of place. Perhaps he had bumped it in the night.
I shrugged to myself and went out of his room. It was probably nothing.
❁❁❁❁❁
River was still upset when he got back to the apartment that night. He came inside the living room, threw his backpack down on the table, and went into the bathroom. No usual greeting, no typical smile. He ignored me.
I stood up from the couch and went to the table. I sat down and turned on my tablet, pulling up my art app to sketch for a class.
River came out of the bathroom and stood in front of the table. I looked at him.
"Are you still mad?"
"Yes," he said simply. His eyes were squinted slightly, as though he was trying to figure out if I moved his belongings or not.
"I told you," I folded my arms, "I didn't touch your stuff. I don't go into your room! Why would I move your things around?"
"I don't know..." said River in an angry voice. He then sighed and pushed his hand through his hair. "Sorry. I just find it hard to believe that you didn't move it when I know I didn't move it."
"Well, I didn't," I said in a snappy tone. I went back to drawing, annoyed.
River sat across from me at the table but didn't speak a word while we both did homework. I could feel the tension between us, but not the good tension. More like the type that would take a long conversation to resolve.
About ten minutes later, I lifted my head.
"Do you hear that?"
River also looked up, his eyes sweeping the room before landing on mine.
"Hear what?"
"That. There it is again," I said, frowning. I turned around in my chair but couldn't see anything.
"I don't hear-" River stopped.
We both stood at the same time like marionette puppets being pulled up by their strings. I froze in horror as River's bedroom door slowly creaked open.
A girl stepped out of his room and smiled.
"River, I've been waiting for you."