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Really quick A/N: Umm, so quick trigger warning -panic attack-
I don't want to disrupt the flow of the book too much with warnings, so I hope this is sufficient enough for the rest of the book. "***" borders around the panic attack so, if you wish to continue, but choose to skip that part, continue reading after you see the second "***"
Please be overall careful while reading. I don't plan on adding too many of these types of scenes, but I'm still writing this entire rest of the story, so not even I know how anything will really progress.
Also... THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 170 READS AND THE INCREDIBLE SUPPORT YOU'VE GIVEN ME! I APPRECIATE YOU SO MUCH BEYOND WORDS!
Other than that, enjoy! <3
(Any advice in terms or writing or overall educating me regarding any matters, mental health or otherwise, I'd very much so appreciate it!)
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"Wow... you made all this?!" We're currently gathered in my kitchen, staring into my freezer probably looking a bit ridiculous as all pairs of eyes currently stare at all of the desserts in a trance-like state.
"Yeah, I had to rush a bit though, so don't expect too much, please," I exhale deeply through my nose, placing the bowls side by side on my counter after ordering them not to touch any of them yet. Even with them insistently offering help, I manage to hold my ground long enough until we all sit around the table once again after carefully setting the bowls down in the middle.
"Alright, so..." I go on a small rant, attempting to explain my thought process as to why I chose a specific way of preparing each dessert tailored to everyone's preferences. The reason I wanted to add that bit of liquor to those two bowls totally has nothing to do with the fact that they were the ones who had the most wine during our previous dinner. All the while, trying my best to not make it obvious that I noticed the, not-so-sneaky, sips of coffee Asher takes behind the counter during his shifts. No no, it's all coincidence and I just so happened to take a mental note of it all, which seems to have come in handy for this dessert.
After distributing their dessert, I take in the fact that the room has gone beyond silent. The white noise tickling my ears only fuelling my anxiousness. Taking a brave look around the room, they're all looking at me with a mix of various expressions. Two of which are from my closest friends who are, now, leaning on each other with very obvious smirks.
The others definitely appear to be in shock and I'm still racking my brain to figure out if that's a positive reaction or not...
"You really did all of this... for us?" Hazel eyes meet mine with astoundment still very clear on his face, while I duck my head after confirming that I did, in fact, do all of this for them. I can't even manage to fool myself, I guess. I really wanted them all to like everything this evening, it all had to be perfect.
I shove his bowl closer to him with my index finger, silently telling them to all dig in and move their gazes off of me. I nudge my seat back, sitting down with a quiet huff as I finally listen to the sounds of their cutlery scraping against the bowls. Satisfied hums and gasps follow soon after while I take my own bite of dessert in hopes that the cold will cool down the heat in my face.
"This is..."
"Delicious!"
I force my gaze up to see the sincerity shining off of them and notice the nods of approval coming from the girls out of the corner of my eyes. A bunch of 'thank yous' are verbalized while I stare at them in a bout of shock. The bowls end up being empty before I could even acknowledge that they actually liked the dessert. That I did a good job...
"Happy birthday, Tyler!"
The cursive letters written in a bold red sit atop the three tier cake that took me all day to complete while he was out doing interviews. Glancing up to the time blinking on the oven, I take in the fact that he'll be home soon, so I race up the stairs to finish placing the balloons in their rightful place by the staircase.
He specifically asked me to not go overboard with his birthday this year so, to respect that, we'll celebrate casually at home. I did, however, have a lot of fun preparing the decorations. A long table that we usually keep outside on the balcony has been brought inside as a mini-snack-buffet area by the couch. Bright balloons sway along the walls and ones that aren't taped down or tied up float carelessly along the ceiling. His cake is set perfectly in the middle of our square dining table and every other piece of furniture has been moved to the sides for the fort I built in the middle of the living room for our movie night.
Keys jingling have me wiping down my sweaty palms while jogging to the doorway to cover his eyes in time. His voice speaks out from behind the door as he speaks with someone on the phone and as soon as he nudges the door open just a crack, I run up to him to make sure he won't see anything before its time.
"Yeah, don't worry, I'll see you tomorr- Babe?" His suit looks the complete opposite of what it was this morning, the tie completely open and top buttons are all crooked as if they've been torn open. Brown hair spikes up in every which way while his coat is loosely hanging off his elbow. His cheeks seem to flush as he catches sight of me and he rushes to hang up the phone. "What's all this?"
Due to all of my excitement, I ignore his questioning eyes, the admittedly suspicious behavior and odd inquiries to ensure my hands complete their duty of covering his eyes as soon as his phone disappears safely within his pocket. "It's a surprise, birthday boy!" I pull him forward, reminding him to keep his eyes closed just in case.
As soon as his shoes are off and he's standing in the middle of the living area where the main event lies, I pull my hands away and he breathes in an audible deep influx of air at the sight before us. "You- you prepared all of this... for me?" My eyebrows furrow slightly at the tone of disbelief in his voice.
"Of course, I even prepared your favorite dinner!" I run in the direction of the kitchen when his voice yells out.
"Wait!" I whirl around and notice the apprehension in his expression, which worries me more than I'd like. "I- um, it's just-" he pauses, his chest falling and rising slowly, "I kind of already ate dinner with a new... friend I ran into..." his palms rub against each other, a nervous gesture he does when he feels guilty about something.
"Oh, well, that's alright we can save it for tomorrow's dinner then!" I brush off the slight tinge of disappointment burning within me and move over to show him to the snack buffet and he visibly seems to calm down at my lack of annoyance. "Plus, we can have cake for dessert!"
I pull his attention to the fanciest cake I've ever attempted to bake on my own and he tenses again, "wow, this looks amazing, Babe..."
I consciously ignore the excitement missing in his voice and tell him to get comfortable after going through my plans for him this evening. Getting all settled in the fort in front of the TV, he begins telling me all about his interviews and how one of them went particularly well after making a friend at one of the companies he visited. The same one he ended up having dinner with after he caught wind that it was his birthday today when the interviewer yelled out a 'happy birthday' on his way out.
Apparently, the guy insisted they have dinner and he couldn't find it in himself to refuse and, even in this darkness, the blue light emanating from the screen is enough for me to notice the resparked twinkle in his eyes as he speaks about today's endeavors, especially the particularly fun parts that include a certain someone; that same look I've been waiting to see from him ever since he got home instead of that look of guilt he's been showing me.
"Seems like you two get along really well,"
His nod is fervent, almost too fast, and he seems to notice as he tones it down a bit with a sheepish grin. His emotions have always been see-through for me, so denying the envy in my heart at his excited expression as he talks about his dinner with this guy would be an impossible task for me. Unlike him though, I've gotten good at masking my feelings for reasons I won't even bother to name.
Despite it all, I leave it be. Communication is key, I know, but it's his birthday and all of my energy has been used on baking today. I don't have any reserves for arguing tonight. All that matters is that he's here, with me, now. Right?
I'll just... share the untouched cake with my friends or something...
"Thank you so much for tonight!" Lucy holds onto me tightly, rubbing the palm of her hand along my back, much like Jas did before she ran off to hold the door open for her..
"Thank you guys for coming," I lean further into her until she retreats first, leaving me alone with the guys who gave no room for argument when I insisted they didn't need to help clean up.
I exhale deeply, leaning against the wall, right beside the opening that leads directly into the kitchen, in an attempt to steel myself to handle the rest of the night. Rounding the corner, I catch sight of something that would be the very last thing that would even dare cross my mind. Which is the view of seeing two very attractive men making out in my kitchen. Julian's ring adorned hands roam along Asher's waist with a firm grip. Their mouths clinging to each other, breathing in each other's air, completely immersing themselves in their own world while their third completes odd chores around them. I watch his back as he shifts around the stove as if his two men aren't currently eating each other's faces off not even two feet away from him.
A wave of arousal that I haven't felt in what feels like years hits me before an image of a completely different trio rushes through my head, cutting off the heat originally running south. Images of Tyler and Lucas replace the duo actually sharing air in my kitchen, my own body starkly contrasting Sebastian's as it is now myself, from nearly a year ago, standing in that all too familiar kitchen doing the entire clean-up job on my own while the other two have fun together.
***
What was meant to be a crash of arousal, is now nothing but realization and ostracization slapping me across the face. The feeling of being indirectly rejected washes over me all over again as I watch the blurry scene before me unfold and I can't escape this conscious memory no matter how hard I innately yell at myself to stop. They're not us!
They're different, they have to be. They stop, looking directly at 'past me' wiping down the stove, only for their images to finally fade into someone completely different... Someone I, thankfully, haven't seen in years, not since senior year of highschool. His cheshire grin is nothing to scoff at as he watches the distant memory with me wearing a knowing expression. His expression is more than enough for me to gather his silent words telling me: "I told you so."
They have to be different... please. They're not like us! They... they love each other.
Right?
My head starts to spin the harder I try and physically shake myself out of this, their images wavering, even going blurry sometimes, but never disappearing. My vision tunnels in on them further, as if my own mind is forcing me to remember what I've already been through. This is too much, all of it is too much. Too many scenarios are replaying in my mind, scrambling around too much, I can't get a grasp on anything anymore.
I can feel the burn of his hands on me again. Get them off! I want them OFF! DON'T TOUCH ME! They love- but he's always so-
What am I even thinking about anymore? There's nothing to focus on.
Too much, it's too much.
Stop, please, just stop.
Get away! Don't do this!
How could you?!
I WANT IT ALL TO STOP!
"NOAH!" Cold, it's cold... my hands, they're freezing cold and wet. They're wet and cold. So cold... The tips of my fingers tighten around whatever is in my hands, rolling the items around as the images start to finally fade away.
"Get some more, I think it's working..." colder, they're getting even colder. I can feel my eyes squeeze shut, the temperature drop shocking me enough to register the familiar voices surrounding me. "Wait, don't touch him yet,"
Yeah, no touching sounds pretty good...
Something equally as cold and wet wraps around the nape of my neck and I think I hear myself gasping out at the feeling. My lungs are burning, screaming, for oxygen that I can barely supply them with. Darkness still invades my vision as my lids remain shut and the presence of others starts to register as well. "Noah, can you open your eyes for us, please?"
At first I shake my head, pausing, needing to focus on taking in a much needed extended breath. The sounds of others' rhythmic inhaling and exhaling lulls me to do the same and I find myself attempting to follow their pattern. They seem to notice as their own breathing begins to synchronize even further. I keep my eyes closed, refusing to look at the people whom I probably scared away and, as soon as I remember who is actually with me, a spark of fear runs through me.
"Noah, we're not leaving," can they read my mind? I hear shuffling around me, but they only get closer, not further away. That observation is enough for me to lock away a bit of my fear, for now at least, and open my eyes.
***
My rapid blinking chases away the remaining tears I didn't realize were still flowing down my cheeks and I take in the people who are still here. Sitting with crossed legs are all three of them creating a half-circle around me and, to me, it feels like a shield from the outside world. A collective sigh leaves them all as soon as I take each and every single one of them in. The crease in their brows dissipate and their frowns literally turn upside down once my sniffles start to slow down.
"Can we touch you?" The deep timber of his voice is unmistakably part of the reason I was able to calm down as quickly as I did. It's the complete opposite of the one that used to plague my dreams nightly. With a hesitant nod, they slowly reach out to hold onto my hands that are balled into tight fists that have no doubt cut through the skin of my palms.
I let them drag me to the couch since my mind seems insistent on wandering this evening. Panic attacks. Yeah, those haven't happened in a while, not even when I first left the very person who, at a certain time of my life, offered me the most comfort. Maybe it was the new apartment, the new job, the new routines and the new people. My brain perhaps didn't even have the time to think about sending me though a dark spiral. That sounds illogical to me, but it's the only thing I can think of. Either way, they haven't happened in a while, so why now? Why with them? Not even my nightmares have been making an appearance as much as they used to, but I had one... at their place! So, why?!
My stomach begins gurgling and that familiar feeling of nausea creeps through me. Darn, I definitely haven't missed this feeling. I have no idea if they're talking to me or not, but I hear them talking. If they are talking to me, I hope they aren't expecting a response. They're sitting around me, one of them resting in front of the coffee table to sit in front of me, but I don't think they're trying to talk to me. Even if they were, their voices are mere mumblings to me right now and the only thing I can even think to focus on is really needing some water.
With that in mind, I shoot up from my seat, I think, but somehow end up eyeing the floor a little too close. I just want to get some water, why am I almost on the floor? The view below me eventually gets further and further away from me until I feel myself sitting again. Why?
"...ter?"
It feels like there's a blanket of fog around my head, keeping me from deciphering their words. Keeping me from taking in my surroundings at all really...
I know I'm at home, but it still feels as if I don't know where I am. It's unsettling and I'm definitely not a fan... how sad is it that I can barely keep myself in check in front of my own guests for one measly evening? If only the world wasn't fuzzy right about now, maybe I could actually get some water...
"....sta-... night?"
I remember the first time I experienced something like this like it was yesterday. I was 15 and at school, trying to deal with it on my own in an empty bathroom stall. I, to this day, can not figure out what the issue was, but I do know that I had a presentation to do right after. Needless to say, I was lucky I managed to get a pass with my performance. My years of highschool, mainly before senior year, is a pretty hazy ball of memories anyways. Whenever I do try and think back on the occasional event, it feels like my own brain actively pushes my prodding away, remaining hidden deep within a locked up box somewhere unreachable to my conscious mind. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose...
Someone rubbing against the back of my hand brings me back to the present. My eyes, that I probably closed again at some point, blink open. "Noah, let's get you to bed," well, at least they're saying full sentences to me now.
They're all looking at me, no, watching me, with careful gazes. Eyes searching me for something, anything, as if I could break down right here in front of them all over again. Great, now they're going to treat me like I'm made of glass. Just amazing...
What feels like a whole five minutes later of virtually no movement from two of them, the other headed off to who knows where during minute three, something clicks in my head. Besides their obvious scrutinizing and the distinct wariness in their eyes, they might have another motive behind their motionless pause. I think, perhaps, just maybe, they're waiting?
Waiting for me to give them permission to take me to my room?
From what I've been told, I usually yell out to whoever is around me not to touch me during my moments of unclarity. Well, that's what Tyler and my mom always said. Maybe I did it this time too? I mean, they did kind of drag me over here after asking if they could touch me, but...
Ugh, I don't need to be overthinking this, I'll just walk up there myself. Before my foot can even shift off of the couch, a hand hovers over my ankle, prompting me to halt my attempt to get up. I hold back a sigh, shifting my eyes up to the brunet with scrunching eyebrows. Why?
He responds to my silent question with a singular shake of his head and I figure I may as well just not even try to fight him on this. I don't have the energy to walk up the stairs anyways, let alone to dispute anyone.
To test my theory, and to finally be able to leave this tense atmosphere in favor of sleep, I simply nod my head, looking in front of me to avoid their incessant staring. It appears that I may have been correct, as not even a second later my bum lifts off of the soft surface and is the only sign that we're finally moving and no longer staring at each other in silence.
I don't question their behavior, nor their reasoning for staying with me as the bedroom door shuts behind me. As soon as my body hits the mattress, I'm out like a light. Any quick shuffling of those around me, feelings of soft blankets covering my body and sounds of concerned voices ringing out from downstairs, goes nearly unnoticed by my sliver of consciousness still just barely awake. I'll deal with them, and everything else, tomorrow.
I just had to go and ruin what was supposed to be a fun and relaxing evening, didn't I?